There wasn't a huge event for me, nor were there any feelings of suicide, self-harm, or anything. It's just that I've had dysphoria for twenty years now, and recognized I was trans around 16 years ago. It's always been there all of these years. And it has been a daily thing since sometime in high school. I've kept myself from actively doing anything about it because I know it would upset my family.
Now, I can go into a lot of detail on this, because all of this is very fresh on my mind, just over the last five months:
What really pushed me after all of these years to seriously come out to my mom and start therapy with the intent of HRT, began early this year. As I said, no big event here, I just think it was a variety of things culminating. The first being: I moved to a new room in the house with my own bathroom (yay!), and that bathroom has huge mirrors facing me when I come out of the shower. I'd have this tendency to look at the mirror, and when I did that I would see my body and it made it would make me cringe and upset me every time. I had to take my towels off of their hanger (which is quite several feet away, with many steps closer to the mirror) and put them on the floor right in front of the shower, so I could get them on ASAP and not accidentally glance at the mirror beforehand.
I also used that silly FaceApp app. When I did, something really dawned on me. I had one picture feminized, and then I looked at it, and I realized that the feminized version - which to me, wasn't actually all of that feminized - was exactly how I saw myself internally, yet it was very different from what I actually looked like. The unfeminized picture really upsets me... And to think that's what I actually look like, and not the more androgynous face I always picture myself having really ate at me.
Perhaps we can blame FaceApp for that. Was it a mistake for me to use that app, or did it reveal something to me? (I don't usually look pictures of me, for obvious reasons).
I think what it really showed me was that now that I'm 30, my face is starting to age again and is becoming more masculine and it was at this point that I really thought I can't take it anymore, something absolutely must be done.
There's also hair loss, which has become quite dramatic since around last November/December. Additionally, my facial hair has become very aggressive over the last several years. I can't stand facial hair at all. I want it all to just vanish forever. The ability for me to sustain the belief that shaving every once in a while keeps it at bay enough has stopped. No matter how much I shave, it just isn't enough, and it grows back so fast. I can't control it anymore and it really upsets me.
Ultimately it was that feeling of urgency mentioned above that started this. I had heard that drinking spearmint tea could give some T blocker effects like softer skin and loss of libido. I decided to make myself drink a lot of it everyday even though I couldn't stand the taste of spearmint (I got used to it). It was after a couple of months of that, that I really stopped and thought about the fact that even if spearmint tea in of itself might not be harming me, I am feeling so pushed into a corner by all of this that I am willing to seek out these unproven, potentially harmful, alternative methods, and there's no telling when I might seek to take it further to something that might really harm me. At this point, it really began to stop feeling like something I could just set aside anymore. I had already proven to myself that I can't, that I'm going to hurt myself (through indirect means) if I can't get it (HRT) officially.
Even after coming back out to my mom, and setting up a therapy appointment, it was like over a month after and I was finding it hard to even make it there. Again, it's not a direct feeling of harming myself. It's something very hard to describe.
Also, I have to note that I've been dealing with some medical issues for over a year, and they have made it very hard for me to get around the house, go anywhere, work, etc. when they get really bad. This has given me literal depression at times, yet on top of that came this bout of gender dysphoria which I just couldn't ignore. My mom once asked me "Shouldn't we get this medical issue taken care of before getting started on therapy?" and I told her "No, it can't wait". The time came. I didn't want it to. I at least would have liked to be in working shape, making money regularly. But not anyone or anything could stop me from starting the therapy.
But even today, sitting here waiting for my next appointment where I get my HRT letter, I'm still trying to ask myself sincerely "Is this really what I need?", "Is my pain enough? Is it even actually real?". Dang, the mind is weird, I know what I've felt, but I still ask these questions (probably mostly because I haven't had a feeling of suicide/attempt or actual mental breakdown like many others here have).
