The flip side of coming out

[Anne T]

Hello All,
I have not been on here since February! So much has happened since then. My spouse Susan who is MtF gave me permission to tell her story to my pastors.  I needed to do this so I know where I stand with my church if I was to continue teaching there.  They were very supportive of me and had empathy and compassion for Susan and her story.  That is not to say they would welcome her with open arms.  I'm still processing what that means myself.  I'm leaning toward finding a more accepting church that would welcome both of us with open arms.  We also have come out to our three daughters and their spouses and some of our grandchildren too.

Everyone was very accepting....the oldest was a bit belligerent about past issues at first but was completely accepting about Susan's transition.  She's always been a drama queeen with the focus on her.  The middle daughter was very loving. The youngest was just as loving and even talked about make up with Susan.  Susan was able to talk with two of our grandchildren who were very curious but accepting.

There was a HUGE unexpected result to Susan's coming out.  Shortly after we left our youngest daughter's home, her longtime boyfriend and fiancé of 5 years came out to her MtF.  It was very bad timing as she was still processing her father's coming out.  She has now made the decision to break off the engagement and move back home.  It was not our intention to be a catalyst in someone else's coming out.  It's very painful for me to see my daughter hurting over this.  I have chosen to stay with my spouse of 22 years despite her transitioning because I simply love the inner person.  We have no little children at home and have the freedom to let Susan live the life she was meant to live.  Not everyone can do this.  It's hard at times and very lonely.  I understand why my youngest broke off her engagement to this wonderful man whom she does love.  I will support her just as much as I support my spouse in her transitioning.  Family and love are very important to me.

[LizK]

Hi Anne

Thanks for sharing your progress. That was a truly unexpected result with your daughter but I guess that's life. I have a wonderful wife and we have been together now for 34 years now. She has stood by me throughout my transition and we have found a way to get our relationship to continue to work. I was even lucky enough to have her fiercely support me through my GCS which had to have been a very tough time for her. Your daughter sound like wonderful people and have shown a great amount of love and respect for Susan in supporting her. They sound like fantastic people and you have a really great family. I am sure you will all pull together as a family through the tougher times of transition and revel in joys which come along as Susan progress. I wish you all the happiness in the world.

It must have been hard to get a response from your church that has you thinking about moving to a more accepting one. That really is quite awful and I hope you can find a more accepting church.

Take care

Liz

[Bea1968]

You are not responsible for the daughters fiancée coming out. I am so happy that you support your Susan as its not all that common.  My wife is struggling with our relationship and while she tries, I can see it takes a toll on her.  I admire the love you have.

Be well,

Bea

[Jessica_Rose]

Hello Anne, I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm glad you and Susan are still doing well and making progress, and that your daughters and grandchildren have been accepting. I am saddened by what happened with your daughter and her fiancé. Despite their long relationship I can understand why she broke off the engagement. It can be difficult for a person to continue loving someone who has hidden their true nature for so long. Those couples who do stay together have a very special relationship, one which can survive anything.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Anne T]

You are not responsible for the daughters fiancée coming out. I am so happy that you support your Susan as its not all that common.  My wife is struggling with our relationship and while she tries, I can see it takes a toll on her.  I admire the love you have.

Be well,

Bea

I think all 'significant others' struggle from time to time. Creating a new normal is tiring, stressful and lonely. Why lonely? Because our experiences, emotions and thoughts are not as easily acceptable to society nor in our circle of friends and family. So we tend to suppress our daily living around others. 

Communication and trust so very important in during any marriage especially in a marriage where one partner is transitioning. For me communicating about every decision and expectation helps me be supportive. It really does help if the transitioning spouse is supportive of the non transitioning spouse as feeling, expectations and fears may differ.

Give your supportive spouse time ...creating a new normal takes a lot of time and patience.

[Anne T]

Hello Anne, I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm glad you and Susan are still doing well and making progress, and that your daughters and grandchildren have been accepting. I am saddened by what happened with your daughter and her fiancé. Despite their long relationship I can understand why she broke off the engagement. It can be difficult for a person to continue loving someone who has hidden their true nature for so long. Those couples who do stay together have a very special relationship, one which can survive anything.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Hello Jessica Rose,
I hope you are doing well and fullly recovered! Things are going very well for us. Susan and I are going out and about daily. In fact I haven't seen very much of "him" lately.  Susan is so enjoying her freedom and is rapidly coming to the point of saying "heck with the world" and going completely full time.

  My daughter has shared that her fiancée coming out was the last straw for her. Apparently there are other factors.  She's talking about counseling for both of them so she hasn't shown him the door yet.  There are other problems that need to be addressed and I'm glad she's seeking help for them before saying "I do". 

   Thank you Jessica for all your help and support during this transitioning!

Anne T

[Moonflower]

Anne! How I've missed you! Such progress for you and Susan! I'm DELIGHTED that things are moving along.

Congratulations on reaching your milestones. Such scary steps, but you are doing so well thinking clearly through them. I looooove that Susan is focusing more on expressing her genuine self, and losing touch with how others judge her. You make me smile from head to toe!

Hello All,
I have not been on here since February! So much has happened since then. My spouse Susan who is MtF gave me permission to tell her story to my pastors.

Wow! Wow! Wow! This was a huge milestone! You are being so strong, focusing on whether you like their responses, rather than worrying whether they'll approve of you.

I needed to do this so I know where I stand with my church if I was to continue teaching there.  They were very supportive of me and had empathy and compassion for Susan and her story.  That is not to say they would welcome her with open arms.  I'm still processing what that means myself.  I'm leaning toward finding a more accepting church that would welcome both of us with open arms.  We also have come out to our three daughters and their spouses and some of our grandchildren too.

Such a relief! I can feel it all the way over here!

Everyone was very accepting....the oldest was a bit belligerent about past issues at first but was completely accepting about Susan's transition.  She's always been a drama queeen with the focus on her.  The middle daughter was very loving. The youngest was just as loving and even talked about make up with Susan.  Susan was able to talk with two of our grandchildren who were very curious but accepting.

There was a HUGE unexpected result to Susan's coming out.  Shortly after we left our youngest daughter's home, her longtime boyfriend and fiancé of 5 years came out to her MtF.  It was very bad timing as she was still processing her father's coming out.  She has now made the decision to break off the engagement and move back home.  It was not our intention to be a catalyst in someone else's coming out.  It's very painful for me to see my daughter hurting over this.

I can feel your tension in the pit of my stomach as you wonder how things will work out for your youngest. I feel your concern as you wonder how similar your situation is to your daughter's,  and what the differences are. I suspect that her thoughts of moving back home have a lit to do with her compassion for Susan. This is a great time for the two of you to compare similarities and differences between you and her, and between her fiance and Susan.

I have chosen to stay with my spouse of 22 years despite her transitioning because I simply love the inner person.  We have no little children at home and have the freedom to let Susan live the life she was meant to live.  Not everyone can do this.  It's hard at times and very lonely.  I understand why my youngest broke off her engagement to this wonderful man whom she does love.  I will support her just as much as I support my spouse in her transitioning.  Family and love are very important to me.

Thanks for sharing your updates. Hooray for most of it! And I send comfort for the prickly parts.