Yeah this may upset some of you, it would upset me if I were reading this.
I have been friends with this girl since high school and we were platonic until she developed a crush on me. She did not know about me being trans at the time.
I rejected her then because I did not want to hurt her in any way once she found out I was trans, and I also did not want to hurt myself in the event that she had second thoughts after coming out. I was especially not ready to deal with any dysphoria or discomfort because I didn't really accept myself at the time. So I rejected everyone equally as a way of avoiding the inevitable.
After I rejected her we didn't speak for two years. Two years later we met up again just to catch up, and she seemed interested in being friends and so was I. We talked for a few months and then she started to act in a romantic way with me. I was more open to pursuing a relationship and was interested in being with her but still put off coming out to her. I did NOT do anything sexual with her, or anything that could have possibly made her feel "betrayed". Even when she tried to come onto me I would just ignore her attempts and waited it out until I came out to her. I also enjoyed the feeling of just being a regular dude. I enjoyed the attention and the feeling of being "normal".
Not long after things became kind of weird, I felt it was unfair of me to stay stealth, so I came out to her. She reacted the way I had expected her to react: she was friendly and curious. She asked if I had any surgeries (I had top surgery only), and if my previous girlfriend from high school was straight or lesbian before we started to date. I then stopped talking to her because I couldn't deal with the idea of her changing how she felt about me after I came out. If there is one thing that I have learned, it's that everyone (no matter who they are) changes the way they look at you whether they like it or not. It's like a fuse that once activated, it cannot be undone.
Well, earlier this year we met up again and decided to go to a museum. She didn't bring up any trans business at all. It was like things were the same as always. I was just me and we had fun together. I was weirded out when she began to hold my hand in public, in front of all these people (middle of Manhattan!) I then took this as a sign that she was still interested in me. We held hands, and she was pretty clingy to me the whole day. Not to mention that in the past she would kiss my neck and stare at my lips on several occasions.
A couple of weeks later, I decided to bring up how we keep acting weird around one another and "couply" in public. I told her that I was interested in seeing where it went and she seemed to be genuinely excited with this. I felt excited as well, and left feeling really happy.
A couple of more weeks passed and we were talking about our relationship once more, and she said she was only interested in being "buddies". I was confused by this and calmly asked why. She gave me three reasons:
1) Our personalities are very different (they are, but we get along great regardless)
2) She enjoys being single and is tired of being "the girlfriend". She wants to figure herself out and doesn't want to commit with anyone.
But #3 hurt the most. Before she said it, she said that this reason was purely selfish, and that she felt terrible about it. I already knew what was coming. She said that oral sex and the use of toys is "nice and all", but that she "needed a dick" in her life. She enjoyed the "feel" of it, the way it reacts, the way it feels, and the intimacy of PIV sex.
I felt all of the warmth in my body just drain, and that has never happened to me before. I had already thought plenty of times about the lack of intimacy that I would always miss out on, simply because I would never be able to feel my partner the way a cis-male would feel. This absolutely DESTROYED me in the past, and it absolutely destroyed me now.
She said that she felt horrible and that she thought it "invalidated" me, and she felt bad that no matter what I do, I will always have that problem. I felt angry in the moment, not only with myself (dysphoria), but at her as well for feeling selfish. I told her to shut up and that it was not her problem, and that I already knew about the reality of my existence and that she should stay out of it. I realized later that it was actually her problem, whether I liked it or not and that I acted "immaturely" and extremely defensively.
She then asked me if I would date a "girl who had a dick" and I told her I would, if she didn't use it. She then said "Wow, love is love" and I said "Yes it is. Why should I miss out on an opportunity to be happy, just because of a minor inconvenience?" I was truthful with my response, and then laughed and told her to not feel like I was attacking her with my answer. She then just kept on saying that she still felt selfish no matter what.
A couple of days later, I apologized for my reaction and she said again "sorry, but it just isn't something that I could live without".
We are still talking as "buddies" BTW, so it's not like she just completely lost interest in me. She just isn't interested in a more intimate relationship, but that is not the issue here.
