I'm sure I've said it before, but y'all are so wonderful!
It turns out that her mother is totally supportive, which was something she was rather worried about. I've never met her mother, but I'll admit, I was a little worried myself. Her mom even set her up with her first gender therapist appointment. She's excited. I'm.. worried, but I can't really articulate why. It's likely something to do with the fact that my only therapy experience is for bipolar and PTSD. To me, therapy is hard. I do hope that it's as easy and awesome as she expects it to be. Either way, I will have chocolate at the ready for after.
We're going clothes shopping together for the first time tomorrow. I'm actually kinda dreading this because I know absolutely nothing about clothes, fashion, makeup, shoes, or really any of the more feminine arenas. I mean, don't tell her, but I could honestly care less about any of that stuff. (she knows) I do know what looks good on her, so there's that. My only real hope is that it's a little less awkward than our first venture into public. No cheesecake this week, but I am going to suggest Italian for dinner.
She said something recently that kinda bothered me. She's noticed my fairly gradual transition towards a more masculine presentation. This has come pretty naturally to my nonbinary self, and I try tone it down a little for her, as I'm pretty sure she's still primarily attracted to the feminine. Frankly, she loves my breasts so much, it's the only time they don't trigger dysmorphia. Anyway, she said that she hopes her transition isn't "pushing" me to be more masculine. I pointed out to her that I started wearing a binder most days months before she came out to me. The truth is, being around her does seem to amplify it a bit. I think she accepts it, but i could find no real appropriate way to tell her that we are [I am] not dealing with my gender issues right now, thankyouverymuch, let's just focus on you.... I don't want her worrying about me, especially not in this context. I may have come out to her first, but she's much further along in her journey than I am ready to go myself. I just started another round of trauma therapy. My therapist and I have agreed that we can address my gender issues, but that it's not my primary goal right now.
Wow, that was a clunky paragraph. Side effects of not having anywhere else to let it all out. I guess this one is all about the fears I didn't realize I had... The fear of her eventual rejection, as she realizes that she no longer needs me, or that we're actually really not compatible, or that the timing is really wrong for us with all our different issues.... Or....
I never pursued girly girls before, but now that I've got one, how do I not lose her? How do I not lose myself in her?