Encountered my first negative response

[F_P_M]

I came out to some online friends a week or so ago and they were all like "oh cool, I hope it goes well for you"
but then tonight one of the regulars came back and hadn't got the memo so I came out to her as well.

well uh.. suffice to say, she isn't taking it quite so well.

She's trying to convince me that i'm "just depressed" or "just stressed" and that i'm wrong and honestly i'm a bit offended and also very surprised.
I suppose I assumed she'd be as fine about it as the others had been. Certainly I didn't expect to have to JUSTIFY myself.

She tells me "but you're such a feminine woman!" (i'm not, i'm not at all) and "but you're beautiful!" (oookay, I can be beautiful and male too you know, and surely my health is more important than my appearance?)

and she's telling me to seek out "cognitive behavioural therapy" which sounds an awful lot like expecting me to go have conversion therapy huh?

I'm disappointed honestly. Surprised and disappointed. Up till now i've been really fortunate to have people just not really mind and be supportive or at worst apathetic.
having someone actively trying to discourage it is... a bit of a wakeup call I suppose and now i'm scared that this is a conversation that's going to repeat over and over and over again with more and more people in my life.

I'd lulled myself into a false sense of security over previous people's positive reactions. The sad reality though is that most people are probably going to react more like this woman and that's... really sobering.

I kinda just want to hide.

And this woman keeps going ON and ON no matter what I say, denying me at every turn.
I don't know how to respond to it. I hate conflict, i'm pretty phobic of it and I can feel my anxiety levels rising.

I wish I was tougher, more certain of myself so I could tell her to stfu but she's sewing seeds of doubt and making me question myself, my motives, whether i'm delusional and wrong.

I feel kinda attacked. Like my own introspection and my knowledge of myself isn't good enough you know? I couldn't POSSIBLY know myself and my heart and soul.

How do you handle these sorts of conversations?

[itsApril]

She's trying to convince me that i'm "just depressed" or "just stressed" and that i'm wrong and honestly i'm a bit offended and also very surprised.

* * *

and she's telling me to seek out "cognitive behavioural therapy" which sounds an awful lot like expecting me to go have conversion therapy huh?

* * *

I feel kinda attacked. Like my own introspection and my knowledge of myself isn't good enough you know? I couldn't POSSIBLY know myself and my heart and soul.

Have you got your own gender identity therapy or counseling going on?  It would be a good idea, because you've got a lot of changes and issues on your plate at the point of embarking on transition.  Obviously, you would need a therapist who is familiar with gender identity issues.  Many general-practice therapists would be totally out of their depths dealing with the specific issues that will be coming up in your life.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a well-established and very effective mode of approaching a range of behavioral problems like irrational fears or anxieties (like phobias), bad habits, or some types of irrational behaviors caused by obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).  CBT would be perfectly useless in resolving a fundamental gender identity misalignment.  Also (contrary to what your friend seems to think), CBT is not particularly useful in treating depression or stress.

You may very well be experiencing depression.  It's fairly common among trans folks.  My own opinion (I'm certainly NOT a psychologist!) is that depression is often a PRODUCT of the unresolved gender misalignment that exists at the core of our personalities.  Though I was never clinically diagnosed with depression, looking back on my life before transition, I was clearly depressed trying to grind through life in a male mode that didn't fit.  Transitioning to female mode may have caused all sorts of chaos and disorder in my life for a couple of years, but when I came out on the other end of the process, the depression was gone.

You reported most folks in your life are responding to your news on a range from indifference to support.  I think that's fairly typical.  Most folks will think it's up to YOU to make the right determinations for YOURSELF about YOUR OWN identity, even if they may have a hard time understanding it.

But there are some people who are so wrapped up with defending a binary and absolute dividing line between the sexes that they just can't let it go.  This is THEIR problem, not yours.  Don't let them make it your problem.

You have lots of issues and lots of problems to resolve.  Take a deep breath, don't panic, and take all the time you need to think everything through to work out the right course forward for yourself.  Don't worry about people who shriek at you from the sidelines.  They're not living your life.

[Melinda@heart]

Something similar happened to me this weekend. I have come out to a few friends over the last year and all have accepted me. That is, until this weekend. I came out to someone at work and at first she thought I was playing a joke on her. That was kind of our thing. We would tease each other and pull pranks on one another. Anyway, after I left work Saturday, she asked one of my employees, his name is Clay, if I was serious and he told her yes. He also happens to be one of my best friends and one of the first people I came out to. The woman I told when asked him " Don't you think it's weird? Isn't it a perversion?"

Clay got very emotional and offended on my behalf and vehemently defended me. He explained to her the change in my emotional state since starting HRT one year ago and the fact that for the first time since he's known me I'm not depressed and suicidal.

I later told him not to be offended or upset with her. I said this is what we deal with. People are ignorant of what we go through and they will never truly understand what it's like for us to live our lives in the wrong bodies.

I have been very quiet on this site for months now, I have had to take some time to accept the new me and reflect on the decisions I've made and that I am going to be making to become who I want to be.

I will not let people like her take away the peace and happiness that my decision to align my hormones and body with my mind has brought me.

~Mindy

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[KathyLauren]

I am sorry you had to deal with that.

I'm disappointed honestly. Surprised and disappointed.

^^^ That is what I would say to her.  "You know, <name>, I am surprised and disappointed in you.  I thought you were a friend."  If, as is likely, she sticks to her position, it is time to dump her.

As you have already found, most people are either supportive or indifferent.  Life is too short to put up with people who are unsupportive.

[CynthiaAnn]

How do you handle these sorts of conversations?

By not having them, if somebody is going out of their way to deny or question such a profound personal statement, then they are not worth your time. I think you said they were only in contact with you online, filter them. Sorry some people can be such jerks.

Best wishes on your coming out

C -