I've been putting off writing this post. I've been wondering if there's any point to it, as it seems only about three or four people actually read this thread any more. I feel much like my friend
@Faith , who sometimes feels like she's shouting into a void where no one is listening (it's not true, Faith, but I know why you feel that way).
Almost all my news has been upbeat and happy lately, but as I thought about it, I decided that if there actually is anyone out there, especially those in the early stages, it's worth noting that even when things are going well - even when we feel like so much of transitioning is behind us - we can still run smack into a wall sometimes. I'd been bragging that it had been a very long time since I'd had a major meltdown. Well...
The catalyst for much of this was the conversation I'd had with my neighbor about a month ago. I wrote about it here back then, but in a nutshell, he blamed me for being an oversensitive snowflake; being too conscious of being deadnamed or misgendered. I had suspicions that he was the one who was in danger of melting due to his discomfort with me (despite his protestations to the contrary), so I checked around the neighborhood, and it seemed like he might be the only one with the problem.
But then there was another nail in the coffin. My other neighbor, who lived across from the first one, had a run-in with my wife, who had made the mistake of bruising his fragile ego by correcting him when he misgendered me (I was 700 miles away on our epic flight to Kentucky at the time). Words were said by both sides, and I returned from my trip to a veritable ->-bleeped-<--storm in the neighborhood. Not knowing anything about this, I had marched down to his house to share the details of one of the coolest adventures I'd ever had, and I was completely frozen out. I had been being very careful to acknowledge and thank him when he got it right, and ignore it when he got it wrong. He was trying, and that was a good thing. But then my wife, with the absolute best of intentions, pushed exactly the wrong button, and now I had some serious damage control to do.
We sat down and talked frankly, and he didn't blame me for what she'd done, but he had also reached the conclusion that he was tired of feeling like he was walking on eggshells around me. I tried to explain how I might have had a serious problem earlier, but I was a grownup now, and as long as I knew he was trying, I had no problem with the occasional slip-ups. But he'd decided that he had had enough of feeling on edge about it, and was going to quit beating himself up. He was going to keep trying, still considered himself my friend, and had no problem with my decision to transition... but I shouldn't take it personally if he decided not to go to the same fly-ins or sit at the same tables, or in general distance himself from me.
For both neighbors, distilled down to the essence: I'm your friend and support any changes involving you, as long as everything stays the same.
Since then, I've watched as the group at the other end of the runway take off and fly to lunch - with no invitation to me to go along. At our last fly-in, neither of them said a single word to me, though they were within eyeshot the entire time.
Okay, things have changed in the neighborhood, but so have I.
@SassyCassie describes my whole world before transitioning as something that could be held in her hands - essentially this neighborhood was everything to me. Now my world and my entire consciousness has expanded to something that can't be held in outstretched arms, while the neighborhood is still that little hand-held thing, nestled into a corner of my expanded universe.
Except for one thing. That whole world is
literally all over the world. I feel I have friends everywhere across the US and the world, mostly because of this wonderful thing we call Susan's. But so few of them are where I can get a hug. Only one special person calls or texts me with suggestions for having fun together, and she has her own obligations, and is over an hour away. There's nobody who calls me up for a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip, dinner out, or invitation to just drop by and chat. I had been having a lot of fun lately with my trip to Kentucky and volunteering at the DeLand Sport Aircraft Showcase, but it was all behind me, and I was back to the real world, where nobody really had time for me. All of the isolation really got to me.
I was also trying to process the results of the elections, along with the news from the HHS, and what that meant to me if I couldn't get my birth certificate changed before I was defined out of existence.
It seemed like I couldn't do anything right all day. I was draining the fuel out of the plane and put a 5 gallon tank under the drain - for 10 gallons of gas. There was 5 gallons all over the hangar floor. I'd gotten my nails done the day before. I wanted to make an impression on everyone at the wedding I was invited to on Saturday, and was really happy with the way they'd turned out. And while working in the yard, I tore off most of the one on the right thumb.
But by far the worst was the horrible dream I'd had of rejection by my BFF. I don't even want to describe it.
Rejection by neighbors. Terrible isolation and loneliness. Everything going wrong all day. Worries about my future. And that terrible terrible dream. I melted down, and stayed melted down all day Thursday. My BFF was out having incredible fun with some of her ciswomen friends who'd invited her out for the night, and didn't realize what I was going through. Knowing that I didn't have friends such as hers who'd do that for me just made the pain worse. When I finally whimpered for a video chat, all she could do was sympathetically watch from 60 miles away while I blubbered into my tablet.
Talking with her always helps, and I finally got some sleep. Next morning was still pretty bleh, looking up lyrics and chords to sad songs, but after sending some emails to Facialteam and a special envelope to Colorado (more on that later), along with some online shopping and occasional text bantering with my BFF, I slowly pulled out of it. Later that afternoon I got a surprise text from one of my snowbird neighbors, inviting me out to dinner. That really made me feel better (despite getting misgendered by him at the restaurant). Saturday my friend and the owner of the plane that we flew to Kentucky came to take it home, and he brought his wonderful wife, who is among my biggest supporters, and his friend, who as far as I know, only knows Stephanie. While waiting for the skies to clear we all went to breakfast at the restaurant where we'd celebrated my name change last December. That evening we went to the wedding, as described above. Sunday I mowed the grass, one of the few things I do that I can see positive results of in a very short time. And surprisingly I actually got an invitation to join the pilots at the other end of the runway to fly to lunch. I had to decline, since I had plans to go shopping with
@SassyCassie, as written of above.
By the end of the weekend, I was more or less back to normal.
So, I hadn't intended for this to go on so long, but you know me. To the 2 or 3 people who still read this thread, thanks for sticking with me. If there are any others out there who read but don't write, know that these types of episodes are par for the course. I had a great weekend and things are better now. Know that no matter how deep down you go, it does pass and things will always get better if you let them.
Stephanie
