Hi everybody!
(Hi Miss Stephanie!!)
Okay, silly Simpsons joke...
It feels like forever since I've posted anything here. There have been a few things of note, but generally speaking, it's just life. Here are some highlights.
YogaI started taking an introduction to yoga class on January 7th. I had a few goals in mind. One, get a little exercise. Two, maybe take advantage of what I'd heard about the stress-relieving properties of the discipline. And three, spend more time doing things that allow me to spend more time around my kind (yes, I know that's not the intention of yoga, but it's a fact that a lot more women do it than men).
I have to admit I was a bit nervous about walking into the first one, especially considering the clothing I was wearing - exercise tights, a sports bra, and a tank top. It didn't help that I had a hard time finding the place and walked in late with everyone watching. Ugh. But it was fine. And, like everyone, I'm told, I learned my favorite pose is savasana.
I've attended two classes now, and the way my mind works, I had to wonder whether I was passing or whether the instructor was "just being nice to the trans lady." But so far it seems that nobody knows, evidenced by the two followup emails she's sent to everyone, both of which started with, "Hello Lovely Ladies," and another thing she said while we were practicing one of the poses. The pose is called "happy baby" and the instructor told us that in other classes where there were men present, she wouldn't use this analogy, but since there are only women in this class, the way to think of this pose is when we're on the table at our gynecologist's.
I guess that counts as affirmation.
BuncoI have such mixed feelings about being part of the once a month all-women's game night I've become part of. You might remember the drama behind this back in October, though it ended up being okay despite some misgendering incidents. I was only able to attend one before other things, such as volunteering at the Deland airshow and visiting Europe got in the way. I was finally home for the latest one on the 10th.
And the misgendering continues. It is so frustrating that every single stranger I've had contact with, since probably August, genders me correctly, and the people who can be considered closest to me just can't get it right. Maybe I'm being uncharitable, but after about 16 months of being out to them, I'm getting a little tired of the excuse, "Oh, but we knew you so long before. It's so hard to remember." If I truly have changed in my presentation, as many of you tell me, why can't they just take a good look, and associate the obvious pronouns with that?
I had a long talk with my therapist about this, and though he wouldn't recommend it, he did suggest that maybe the stress that the misgendering is causing might not be worth the affirmation of being invited to an all-woman event. I'm in a bind - it's possible that if I force the issue I'll be viewed as a prima donna, an oversensitive drama queen. A few of the guys in the neighborhood have already taken that attitude and we don't talk much any more. But if I don't say anything, it might just continue.
It happened three times at the last night. Twice there were only "insiders" at the table of four, and while it's frustrating, it wasn't a big deal because everyone knew. There's one member in particular that just can't seem to get it right, and then she gets the others going in the wrong direction - even one of my most ardent supporters messed up because of her. But once it happened at a table with one "outsider," along with one "insider" and my wife. When the "insider" used the wrong pronoun, my wife decided to jump in and correct her. That just drew attention to the whole situation. Luckily, the games tend to be noisy and rambunctious, and I'm not sure if anyone noticed. There wasn't any fallout from it, so I guess all's well that ends well.
I did seriously consider just quitting, and I may yet if this continues. But the game is set up to move to each member's home in rotation, and guess who will be hosting it next month? Uh huh. Miss Stephanie. So I'll tough out this next one, maybe have a little talk with the most egregious offender, and see where it goes.
I'm considering taking this person aside and asking her to just stand and look at me. Present as best as I can. Ask her if I look like a "he." Try to get her to really focus on who she's talking with. Maybe if I can get beyond the casual relationship and get her to really understand, she'll fall into the correct habits. I have no other ideas.
The last thing I want to do is what the trans woman did in the video store when she lost her temper when she was misgendered (it's all on YouTube in all its disturbing drama). That kind of thing might be cathartic, but in the end helps no one, and actually hurts the cause. So if it turns out that things aren't going to change, I'll just quietly tell the organizer that I appreciate the effort, but it's not going to work out. Then I'll go do things with complete strangers, such as the yoga class, and enjoy being known only as the woman I am.
Dear FriendsThe flip side of dealing with "friends" who can't remember who I am, is being privileged to spend time with those who can. The guy I built the last plane for, and his wife, ("D" and "E") are so incredibly supportive and loving as I transition. I am so lucky to have them as friends. They like to travel, and wanted to hear about my trip to Europe, so out of the blue (literally!) they flew up last week (in the plane I'd built, of course!) and took me to lunch. They even asked to see my slide show, and sat through it with actual interest! It was a wonderful way to spend the day. E took note that I was gendered correctly during lunch, and was as happy about it as I always am.
That was cool enough, but then last Friday D called. He said he was thinking about the fact that I have no plane of my own right now, and it had been October since I last got to fly anything, and he decided he was going to fly up on Saturday and let me fly him to breakfast. Which we did. I had to fly right-seat, but it was better than sitting on the ground. At the restaurant I ran into some other pilots I've known for a long time (since long before transitioning) and we had a good conversation about the plane we flew in with no awkwardness. D even made sure to point proudly to me and tell them, "She built it!" I did have to ask D what E thought about him taking another woman to breakfast. He said she was curled up on the couch in her jammies with her cat, coffee, and a good book, and was perfectly content, as long as we didn't made a habit of it.
What great people! Despite the crap that seems to often surround us, they give me faith in humanity.
Work!"D" used to be my across-the-street neighbor in the last place I'd lived. Next to him lives another guy, "C," who I became friends with while I lived there. I'd even done some work for him in the past (well, someone I know well did...). Pretty much everyone in my old neighborhood knows my story by now, and I'd friended C's wife on Facebook a while ago. Recently he also friended me. Then, a few weeks ago, he called me to tell me that he was considering buying a plane that was partially rebuilt, and was wondering if I'd like to finish it and get it flying for him. It's exactly the kind of thing I'd been thinking about getting back into (after working on another huge refinishing project for the last two years, if ya know what I mean). It sounded great, and then he told me who he would be buying the project from. It was a guy I'd known for years, but hadn't actually talked with for at least five. After C talked with "J" for a while about the project, C asked me if I'd contact J and get some more technical information. I am so incredibly tired of outing myself, so I started with an email, saying only that I was a friend of C's and needed more information. The only concession I made to identifying myself was my standard business email signature:
Quote
Stephanie Bensinger
/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/
Lone Palm Aero, LLC
PO Box XXXX
XXXXXX, FL XXXXX
Phone: XXX XXX XXXX
http://lonepalmaero.com
http://groppotrail.com
Dealer for the Groppo Trail Experimental Aircraft Kit
Experimental Aircraft and Ultralight Repair and Restoration
After some give and take via email, C decided I really needed to talk with J on the phone. So I put on my best voice, took a deep breath, and made the call. After some pleasantries and technical conversation, he paused. "Uh, you're not kin to [deadname] are you?"
Sigh.
Another deep breath, and I once again recited the out-myself litany. And as I suspected, knowing he's a laid-back kind of dude, he was just fine with it. In fact, like a switch clicking, he immediately started using the correct name and pronouns, and hasn't gotten it wrong once since then. (I can't help but wonder why some people, like him and D and E, can get it right instantly, while others may never get it. But I digress.)
Now I kind of wonder whether I could have just said, "yes, he's my cousin (or brother, etc.). I think, though, by choosing a name so close to my assigned-at-birth one, that I may have closed off that avenue. My bestie is considering doing that in certain circumstances, but she was smart enough to choose a name so unlike the original that it could work. In any case, considering the lack of blowback when I out myself, I guess there's no harm in continuing as I have been.
Oh yeah, the work. It turns out they did reach a deal, and I need to call J tomorrow to set up a date for him to deliver the project to my house. It feels so good to have a focus and a purpose again! And having a little income sure can't hurt either.
Restarting Hair RemovalTuesday was six weeks since my FFS, so I was okayed to restart electrolysis. It had been three months, and it's amazing how fast you get out of the habit. It's an hour-and-a-half drive, but on my bestie's advice, I tried listening to an audio book and it really helps with the drive. My electrocutioner had a ton of questions, but she liked the results so far and really like my new hairdo. She was satisfied with the way the areas we'd been working on before had stayed cleared (I didn't actually notice that - I still have to shave my entire face). I'm a little frustrated by how long it's taking, though, and in an effort to optimize the three-hour round trip drive, I asked if we could do four hours in a day. She's not sure she can sit through that, but we're going to try three hours next week, and consider doing two two-hour sessions in a day, with lunch and a new slather of BLT in between.
Seeing Familiar Places with New EyesAfter today's two-hour HNT session, I rewarded myself with my first gyro in Tarpon Springs in three months. My favorite waiter wasn't there, but the visit was still just fine. In fact, I commented to Cassie that it feels different. I mean, going back to that restaurant feels very very different from the last time I was there. I equated it to a pre- to post-transition kind of difference. I have been so far and done so much in the three short months since I was last there. I almost feel like a different person. My level of confidence was so high compared to before. I seemed to see everything differently. I guess compressing all of the human interaction experienced on a 9000 mile trip to foreign countries, with absolutely zero misgendering, being known only as who you really are, does something to your self-image. It was a familiar, yet utterly new experience. It's a feeling I hope to experience the rest of my life.
Goodnight all.
Stephanie
