HRT turned my brain to mush...

[Madison2002]

Last year dysphoria and depression hit pretty hard and I dropped out of school, started going to therapy, and started HRT. I've gone back to school this semester but can't keep up with studies like I used to, despite only having 2 classes. My average day is filled with sleeping a bunch, existential crises about my mortality and life choices, worrying that I'm ruining my life and body with all the HRT drugs and antidepressants that I'm on, and trying to escape my own life by chatting with friends and spending an inordinate amount of time on the internet or with my grandparents because I know that they won't be around forever. I just feel worthless and selfish, a general sense of malaise and apathy. My agoraphobia has increased, and I consider it a victory to just get showered and shaved and show up to class each day. I just want to sequester myself away for the rest of my life, or tear it all down and start over...

Does anyone relate to this? HRT has not been a pleasant experience overall. What's even the point? What will this solve? I don't know anymore.

[Allie Jayne]

Madison, I doubt your symptoms are caused by HRT. Transitioning is a major decision which many of us experience some anxiety about, but it sounds like you have other things going on. You need to get back to your gender counsellor and doctor to work out what is going on and how to manage it. Good luck finding the right way forward.

Allie

[Winter02]

Madison,
I know the feeling. However, i dont think its from the HRT...

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[AnneK]

I haven't experienced that, in the short time I've been on HRT, quite the opposite in fact.  I suspect there's some other issue.

[bonkatie]

What you are experiencing is just being trans and not due to the HRT.  I've gone through similar experiences where I feel that all of this is just taking over my life.  It's all I think about.  But will say that I'm thrilled to be on HRT and you will gradually start to think about things in a more positive light.  There's nothing better than catching glimpses of the new you during your transition. First there's a lot of what am I doing? Then a lot of ups and downs. Some moments you feel great others not so much, and eventually you get to a point where you think. I can do this! Then one day you realize you are there.  Just remember feelings are temporary.  It will get better. It's just gradual. So definitely not the HRT and over time you will be thankful you started when you did. 

Kate


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[GingerVicki]

It sounds more like a stress reaction to me. Stress messes up with memory and many other things. Finding ways to deal with the stress you are under would be better than anything. I had a very difficult time dealing with my stress at first and tried many outlets. I found one and things improved shortly after. I wish you the best of luck with finding something that helps you.

[Madison2002]

I mean, don't they say that estrogen rewires your brain and stuff? Wouldn't that cause some issues with doing more logic-oriented tasks?

[Maid Marion]

Brain plasticity typically allows  rewiring the brain to stuff you do now, and may result in decreased abilities in stuff you used to do in the past.  But, if you are going to school, presumably you are only dealing with stuff you are learning, nobody expects  you to remember stuff in the distant past.