More difficult to live as a non-op trans woman than as a post-op trans woman?

[DebbySoufflage]

I don't mean to play the oppression olympics and I hope no one will take it that way.
But honestly, I sometimes wish I had more genital dysphoria, so that I had a valid reason to undergo GCS.
I have never been interested in GCS because I found the surgery too invasive and the recovery too rough and time consuming. But honestly, I sometimes wish I was post-op.

When I'm dating someone I drop the bomb about my medical history through email after 2 dates. Usually the person still wants to date but their mindset changes completely. I become a sexual curiosity instead of a potential long term partner.

I can't put it out of my mind that if only I were dysphoric enough to get SRS, my life would be easier overall.

But here I am with the facts: I'm not that dysphoric that I need SRS. I don't like my genitalia touched at all by a partner but honestly, I have no problems with them when using the sanitary or when I'm being intimate with myself.

Sometimes I feel like an outsider in the trans community too for being non-op. Especially when visiting online forums and seeing almost every trans person online talking about GRS as a long term goal. It makes me feel like an exception.

Sometimes another trans person would ask me whether I'm planning on SRS or have already had it. I always say that money is tight but that I plan to get it. Because there is judgement, subtly, when you don't want it. I'm scared of being labeled a "fetishist" or "wannabe".

That's why I usually prefer not to be around other trans people. The fact that we have dysphoria about different things makes me even more dysphoric.

What are your non-op stories?

[Kylo]

I get the distinct impression there are lot more non-op or pre-op transwomen out there than we might think. I've encountered several online whom everyone assumed were post-op but were not. There is still an assumption in the public that being post op is somehow more validating and people accept it more, which some people do believe both trans and non trans, but it's not necessarily what's been developing out there. Several prominent trans commentators have revealed they are non op or pre op and it hasn't much affected their reach or how people interact with them on the whole. Which is promising.

But it has to be said there is an assumption usually leveled at them at some point that they are "going to have it done". The idea that it "completes" transition is a very ingrained one, but it's certainly not possible or desirable for everyone. In time I think the idea not everyone does will come to be accepted more.   

[emma-f]

I'm a lawyer and when I came out it unfortunately had to be in a pretty public way, locally at least. I went to see the local Judges and even one of them started asking when the op date was. At present it seems very much the expected thing, and as trans issues become even more well known, people feel more able to ask outright. Even my mum basically asked first question when my op was.

I am having my op, and I'm maybe trying to kid myself and block out the months ahead that I'll have to go through, but for me its not even necessarily about a dysphoria over genitals but just being able to live as myself, freer and easier. To be able to travel the world at less risk. To be able to go into town in a short dress without worrying what I'm showing off. To be able to wear yoga pants to the gym, bikinis on the beach, tight jeans. But we all have our own reasons for what we want and don't want, will and won't pay, and will and won't risk.

Em

[Bea1968]

You are not alone.  I will likely stay non-op as well for reasons similar to yours.  I think there are quite a few non-op members here.  People have a hard time understanding things that are not black and white or in this case, bianary.  We present uncertainty to others as they cannot use traditional gender roles to categorize and define us and that is an uncomfortable feeling for most people because we all look at the world through lenses that help us predict some things and make sense of others.  When they feel like we are not predictable and safe because we don't fit a specific role or stereotype it creates stress for them.

Just my 2 cents,

Bea

[DebbySoufflage]

I get the distinct impression there are lot more non-op or pre-op transwomen out there than we might think. I've encountered several online whom everyone assumed were post-op but were not. There is still an assumption in the public that being post op is somehow more validating and people accept it more, which some people do believe both trans and non trans, but it's not necessarily what's been developing out there. Several prominent trans commentators have revealed they are non op or pre op and it hasn't much affected their reach or how people interact with them on the whole. Which is promising.

But it has to be said there is an assumption usually leveled at them at some point that they are "going to have it done". The idea that it "completes" transition is a very ingrained one, but it's certainly not possible or desirable for everyone. In time I think the idea not everyone does will come to be accepted more.

I hope I will live to see the day that SRS is no longer seen as a prerequisite to be trans.

When I was discussing this on another website, the other day, a post-op trans woman told me that I shouldn't call myself a binary trans woman because a binary trans woman would die over the fact of having a penis between her legs permanently. She insisted that non-binary was my label. It kind of made me feel enraged and feel sorry for her narrow mindedness at the same time.
I mean, I am a woman, whatever my parts are.
It's my mind that makes me a woman, not my genitals.

Blaire White and Gigi Gorgeous are also non-op. I follow them on YouTube.
But there is still this expectation that they will sooner or later have the surgery, by the public.

[DebbySoufflage]

I'm a lawyer and when I came out it unfortunately had to be in a pretty public way, locally at least. I went to see the local Judges and even one of them started asking when the op date was. At present it seems very much the expected thing, and as trans issues become even more well known, people feel more able to ask outright. Even my mum basically asked first question when my op was.

I am having my op, and I'm maybe trying to kid myself and block out the months ahead that I'll have to go through, but for me its not even necessarily about a dysphoria over genitals but just being able to live as myself, freer and easier. To be able to travel the world at less risk. To be able to go into town in a short dress without worrying what I'm showing off. To be able to wear yoga pants to the gym, bikinis on the beach, tight jeans. But we all have our own reasons for what we want and don't want, will and won't pay, and will and won't risk.

Em

I'm in my last year to become a paralegal.
The field is very conservative.
I had to do a proof term at a local notary and they also asked me about the surgery. I said I was post-op. Felt bad for lieing but had no choice.

[Bea1968]

Every single transwoman started off declaring that their body was a liar and that their truth lay on the inside, that they were women long before SRS.  SRS can ease dysphoria. It can make some social/relationship things a little more straightforward but it didn't change what was inside.  It was that inner self image that defined them and it defines us with or without surgery.

Bea

[Bea1968]

Thank you for the thumbs up. It's unexpected and much appreciated.  Let's all be thankful that most post-op transwoman are not stuck up or exclusionary.  This forum is testimony to that.

I went outside to mow the lawn after making that post and I was mulling it over in my head as I pushed that damn mower.  It seems that while I kinda hit the mark and most observant readers would get it, I thought I'd expand the thought further.  The implicit irony of someone treating you like that is astonishing for they must have felt the very same feelings at some time.  To feel that your body lies, that it betrays you and then later point to your body and say that now it defines you to the point where you feel ok with excluding others is contradictory, inconsistent and just plain silly and shallow. 

[Mendi]

I think the answer to the question is, yes.

And the reason why I rather chose to have an easier life and have a SRS, even though I didn´t have much genital dysphoria either. I could have lived with the previous equipment, but I wanted to make my life easier in many different ways.

But, the main thing is, that you are happy in the long haul.

[Michelle_P]

Decisions about our medical care, and whether or not we have surgery, are intensely personal and private matters.  Yes, some of us share that information here, to help others who have chosen particular medical procedures as part of their transition, but there is no need to share with the public.

Judges, lawyers, and other legal practitioners should understand the need for private and protected medical information, and HIPPA rights in particular in the United States.  It should never be necessary to disclose details of medical care to employers or the casually curious person, as there is no advantage to us, and others are likely to judge us based on what they hear.

My life, and my path through transition is not a topic for the casually curious, and I do not desire judgement of my path and my needs from the ignorant or prurient.

I am not a hypersexualized object for the entertainment of others.

[LaRae]

I have no plans for SRS. The only issue I have is tucking is a pain.

[HappyMoni]

I'm post op. In my wildest dreams would I ever look down on someone who doesn't want GCS. I am not qualified to make judgements on other people's lives like that. If you are spared the genital dysphoria I had, I'm happy as hell for you. I do have two thoughts. One, you may see a lot of talk about GCS here because this is one of the few places to talk about it where people don't think the idea is crazy. It is a big decision for those folks thinking about it, so, yeah, there is a lot of talk. I haven't seen any open ridicule of anyone not wanting it. Two, society may tend to judge non-ops harsher, sadly. The haters go with the narrative of men faking it to get into women's bathrooms. The ignorant may try to judge non-ops that way. Crap, we need to stand together. I promise never to think less of anyone for their personal decision on this topic.
Moni

[Devlyn]

Every single transwoman Some transwomen started off declaring that their body was a liar and that their truth lay on the inside, that they were women long before SRS.  SRS can ease dysphoria. It can make some social/relationship things a little more straightforward but it didn't change what was inside.  It was that inner self image that defined them and it defines us with or without surgery.

Bea

Fixed that for ya! 

I've discovered that "all, none, everybody, nobody" are words that usually don't apply.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Bea1968]

I have a very difficult time imagining anyone who considers themselves as transgender who feel 100% ok with the body given at birth. 

[DawnOday]

I will be non op for the same reasons. I understand I am transgender in the first place. Aside from the genital deformities and late descending testes. I have a severely compromised heart, which are symptoms of DES poisoning. Add depression, diabetes and the chances of me surviving any surgery are slim and none. But, that does not deter me from seeking the solace of presenting the best I can. If I were twenty, I'd probably handle it differently and with the advent of uterine implants, I would be one of the first signing up. But alas it is not possible. However I do find solace in recognizing the person that has been in hiding forever. I gain strength from knowing that the depression I suffered for a lifetime was not just a figment of my imagination. More important is the knowledge that I am not alone.  Lastly, I have made some really important acquaintances that I never would have before and for that I am truly blessed.  I hope that we get to know each other better as I am interested in everyone's progress.

[Maid Marion]

I have a very difficult time imagining anyone who considers themselves as transgender who feel 100% ok with the body given at birth.

Not 100% but pretty close.  I'm old enough to know not to fix something if it isn't broken.  My health is very good for my age and I'd like to keep it that way.  I already have a petite XS hourglass figure and have no trouble looking at myself in the mirror, either nude or wearing female clothes. 

[Linde]

I have a very difficult time imagining anyone who considers themselves as transgender who feel 100% ok with the body given at birth.

I pretty much do.  If they would have left my body alone after birth, I might have been a woman from the beginning.  But somebody decided to make me into a man.  The only indication of that I ever had were male genitalia and some sparsely facial hair growth.  I do not plan any other modification to my body than the genitalia "rebuild" !