I have an... odd relationship with gender tbh. most of my life i've been fairly apathetic to social gender roles because my tendency to ignore them and do whatever I want has never been a problem. I suppose it's way easier to be gender non conforming when you present as female in western society, heck it's even encouraged.
As a result my tomboyish ways were never a problem, I was never teased for my interests, never told I couldn't do something "because you're a girl", seldom excluded due to my sex.
I also grew up in a culture that did NOT divide the genders much in school, we played all sports co-ed for example, which I always thought was a really important thing to do.
It wasn't till I hit puberty that my biological sex became an issue. I didn't like how my body was changing, I felt like a freak, I was uncomfortable and I was in horribly horrible pain.
My body doesn't really understand HOW to function correctly when it comes to hormones and as a result from the point puberty hit I was miserable and SICK.
But despite that, I still just kinda plodded on. I still thought gender was "a load of nonsense" and honestly I kinda still DO.
Least, i think gender presentation and social gender is a load of crock.
But dysphoria is, for many people, not relieved simply by "cross dressing" or "passing". I know that for me, transition is less about how others see me and more about me actually being able to stand myself. To feel well (biochemical dysphoria suuuucks) and to not see bits i'd like to change when I look in a mirror (boobs, I hate boobs. They're great on other people, they look wierd and wrong on me okay!)
For me, I see transition as not really any different to taking medicine for a medical condition, like say, betablockers for hypertension and the physical aspects as no different than getting your nose done or your teeth whitened and straightened.
A lot of CIS people hate certain aspects of their body and nobody questions them when they get cosmetic procedures done, so why can't we trans and non binary folk do similar?
Just because we're changing sex characteristics doesn't make any difference surely?
I would LOVE a penis but alas, technology isn't enough there yet for me to be happy with it, so I intend to remain as I am down below, at least till we get some super awesome bionics or something going hah.
But interestingly, because all my life i've had a degree of detatchment from social gender, I find people misgendering me only slightly disappointing more than it is upsetting. In many cases I flat out don't care and then I feel like I SHOULD care because other trans people do and I think maybe i'm wrong or something.
I also get peeved when people tell me how a guy SHOULD act and SHOULD present because I think it's stupid. There's this assumption I suppose that all trans people want to pass completely and utterly and be almost... the "best" man/woman possible and unfortunately that means a lot of people fall into the trap of gender stereotypes.
"guys should like sport and cars!" "guys shouldn't wear floral patterns" "guys can't have earrings" "guys can't wear purple" "your mannerisms are too effeminate!" and so on.
frankly, bite me.
I'm flamboyant, loud and OTT and i'm not gonna change my fundamental personality just because i'm dropping the S from my pronoun.
Because ultimately, from my perspective, that sounds an awful lot like swapping one mask (the girl one) for another (the manly man mask) and i'm neither of those things.
The whole point is being the me I feel I was always meant to be, to have my biochemistry match with what my brain has been saying for decades. Adopting interests or fashion styles that are fake to further a macho persona is counterproductive and exactly what a lot of us have been doing for years as we tried to make do with our birth gender!
Your attitude toward sex and gender reminds me a lot of myself actually. Falling somewhere in between the binary.
I feel that in me, personally, because I want T and I want the masectomy I fall far more toward "transmale" than i do "non binary" but I sort of straddle that gap and i'm AOK with that.
I fully intend to be a guy who gives no hoots about gender roles or gender conformity, just as i was always a girl who did the same.
gender roles are dumb, the narrow blue and pink boxes are damaging and limiting. I have zero interest in having anything to do with either.
I'm a boy, but i'm still gonna sit here and play with dolls hah!
