Since the process of transition began many years ago, i suffered severe bouts of 'depression', in inverted commas because it is not classic depression. In the early days, these attacks would last several days, a very deep and morbid state in which I contemplated and later planned suicide.
The attacks moderated as I progressed through into Life 2, but they didn't, and haven't, gone away. Now they last 24 hours, they're triggered by, as far as I can see, a post-happy adrenaline drop, worsening weather and a gap in the diary. When all three coincide, I fall into the hole.
I cannot think positively when in the episode, I cannot motivate myself, and I can do little to escape. At some point, usually about 24 hours later, sometimes as little as 8 or as much as 48, the mood passes, and often, it lifts almost instantaneously. One moment, i'm depressed, thee next, it's like the sun has come out and i'm OK.
My doctor and my psychologist agree that it isn't clinical depression but neither know what it is. I've fiddled with the dose of estradiol, but the problem persists at all dose levels. It persists when my life is going really well as well as really badly. I'm losing one day every ten, on average, to it, which is frustrating, and not easy for my husband to deal with.
Occasionally, there have been odd affects that have in the end made me wonder if it is some form of migraine. The odd things could have been olfactory or aural aura; things all tasting the same, all smelling the same. Sometimes, extreme nausea when a little stressed, by travel and by being in a group of people I don't know or am uncomfortable with, usually.
Given how odd it is, and how it started with transition, I'm wondering f anyone here has any ideas what it might be?
