Transgender Stigma and Embarrassment

[Breeze 57]

I don't really think anyone will have an answer to this, but I wonder if anyone else has felt or currently feels this way.  I've been an angry, depressed, moody, and very poor husband for the majority of my life.  My wife was a saint to stay with me all those years (35 to be exact).  I've always known there was something wrong with me, but I thought I could control it and would eventually outgrow it.  Well, neither of those things happened and I finally came out to my family as transgender a few years ago.  I started HRT and, for the first time in my life, I felt good and was a totally better person.  I also started electrolysis then and while my wife, 2 adult kids , and brothers thought it was "weird", they put up with it as long as I did not parade around our small, conservative town in girl mode.  6 months later, my wife told me she was ready to move on with her life and I totally understood her position.  We are still married, but separated.  Now, I live about an hour away from them and have had FFS.  I live full-time in girl mode now and I'm doing all right with that.  The issue is my family.  While I know my wife and kids still love me, they are also ashamed and embarrassed by me.  When I visit them, I'm not allowed to go outside or do anything in public, even though I have been wearing my old guy stuff and showing my receding hairline (on a positive note, I'm scheduled for hair transplants in July).  They do not want their friends and neighbors to know about me.  The thing is, I understand their feelings as I also feel embarrassment and avoid the people I knew when I was a guy like the plague.  I understand the whole trans thing and I feel I must have been born like this because I would do almost anything (short of self harm) to be rid of it.  I hate being trans and the stigma and shame society puts on it.  For me, the only thing worse than being trans is being the person I was before I started transitioning.  Now, my heart is broken as I know I'll probably always have to live in the shadows with my family....a constant reminder of embarrassment and shame for them.  My wife told me tonight she didn't care what other people thought, and yet, she refuses to go to a restaurant with me if there is even the remotest chance someone might recognize us.  Is there a way to help my family?  I moved an hour away to try to insulate them from me so hopefully they could avoid the stigma of being associated with me.  Do I need to let them move on without me?  I've got a 1 year old grandson too who I love dearly and it just kills me to think I probably won't be a part of his life.  I've shed so many tears over this.  Any advice?  Wisdom?  My heart is so broken over this.

[krobinson103]

I can relate. My ex wife could not handle the 'shame' of being associated with me. In the end I had to just cut ties except for those needed for the kids. My children accept me completely and their mother? Well she can think and do what she chooses because its no longer my concern. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself.

We all know that no one chooses to be trans and doing nothing about it is quick ride to going crazy! There is no shame in being yourself and anyone who says you should feel ashamed, or sorry for being who you are in my opinion has to be... removed. In that way they live their life, you live yours, and the least amount of pain is inflicted on all.

If your SO can't understand this then maybe its time to let go...

[sarahc]

I regrettably do not have an answer for you. I'm dealing with unmovable family embarrassment as well. It's a tough situation. Unfortunately, if the family stays firm about what it is willing to support, you're going to have to make a terrible choice between different psychological needs. I don't think there is a right answer...it really depends on your situation and your feelings. If you have access to a therapist, it really helps to have one work with you on this type of situation - this is a big choice for you to make.

Sarah

[NancyBalik]

Wow Paige, So hard. That would hurt me soooo much...the people who I want to love me being embarrassed by me. I think the way that I would interpret it is that they are (unfortunately) unable to love the real you — only the person they wanted you to be. When we continue to seek love from those who can not love us we continue to be disappointed and hurt. I know that my wife does not accept Nancy, so after many tearful and angry episodes, I now keep that part of me in the closet. You've chosen not to do that. A huge part of the cost of you coming out is learning that their love for you is in fact conditional. So sad.

Only you can decide what to do with this situation, but I would encourage you to be realistic with your expectations. If she could love Paige, you'd still be together, and the kids are likely following her lead. Try not to wish for things that aren't going to come true.... Best, Nancy

[Devlyn]

So it took you 35+ years to come to terms with yourself. You said you came out to them a few years ago, more or less 35 months. That's quite the learning curve you're expecting them to adhere to. Remember, you're asking them to override societal norms that are practically burned into us. Give them all the time they need to process it.

Hugs, Devlyn

[RobynD]

After initial support, I have dealt with similar attitudes in my family. It hurts, it hurts a lot. The bottom line is that it is latent transphobia in a culture that is increasingly shedding that. Even the most liberal circles of people experience this.

I never bought into the argument that well so and so married a man, so you can't expect them to stay or blame them, etc. I believe that is wrong. Gender should not be so pivotal that it breaks relationships or adversely impacts them. Call me an idealist, but changing looks and clothing, changing social circles even, should not have that outcome. Yes, it may be throwing them a curve ball that they never expected to have to try and hit, but life with others, in general, does that.

The embarrassment comes from a place of insecurity. You are in the right, they are not. Your expectation is right, their reaction is not. Sometimes we tend to let people we love off the hook on such things and it doesn't serve them. Cultural stigma, double takes all the stuff associated with the really hard things that many trans people face is because the culture is flawed. It has to change one person at a time and fortunately, there are many forces of that change at work, in a positive direction.

My best advice is to get family counseling and that work may result in changes. Often when adults talk openly about their insecurities with a third party, they understand their attitude is not defensible.

[Rachel]

Hello, I know the pain.

There are stages to coming out, expressing and being ourselves. I too was so ashamed of who I am. I went to therapy, came out, went on hrt, changed my name then had procedures, divorced more procedures . It has been 6 years and I accept who I am.

I think next I started to like who I am and realized that helping others an being myself felt pretty good. I keep myself pretty busy with work and transition related items. I still am doing hair removal, 3 different technicians. The war on the facial hair will be won. I have to get my voice corrected from the last 2 procedures. I still need to lose a little more visceral fat and it is coming along awesomely. Bathing suits on order. Maybe a third hair procedure, maybe larger boobs, voice must be corrected and a decision point will be made June 3. love clothing and shoes and light makeup. My hair is curlily and I am starting to really like it. I am thin and muscular (lower 1/2). I like work and the people I work with. I like the gym and the classes and people there.

My daughter graduates in June and I am not invited. My ex and daughter will not be seen with me in public. Her family does not know why we divorced.  love them very much and it hurts that they reject me. Society or neighbors are excuses. They reject me because they see me as something unacceptable. It is their issue to resolve. I am a pretty nice woman and I know a lot of really nice people. Maybe those people are embarrassed to be with me  in public. I do not know. I take them at face value and they are nice it me.

I use to dwell on the loss of my family. I would dwell on why I was trans and how I should have executed plans I had all my life. At some point something happened and I do not know what it was but I feel really good about myself. I put into perspective I am there for my family (My ex never rejected alimony or daughter tuition, car insurance, car repairs, spending money, parking fees, book fees food money and so on)but they are unable to be there to stand next to me. I do not fault them and I do love them. I do not love all the things they have said or done and I am sure they feel the same of me. Maybe we will be together again some day. Until then my life is beginning to go in a different direction.

Anyhow, I know how hard it is and how the emotions can be overwhelming. I also know that finding new interest and getting out, there are a lot of nice people out there. I know I feel pretty good about myself. It has been a very long hall. I am thinking of stopping therapy some day soon. Maybe I will find someone special and I will make a new romantic connection.

There was a point where the pain decreased and the self started to feel good. It helps to repeat the positive things that happen and give your self forgiveness for the pain you feel you caused others. At some point I just want to move onto a new beginning. 

[Breeze 57]

Thank you all for your comments.  They are appreciated.  It's Wednesday now and some of the hurt and sadness has ebbed into the background again.  Rachel, I especially appreciated your comments as they seem to somewhat parallel what I'm feeling and experiencing.  It's so difficult to move forward past the ones who have been the center of my universe for oh so many years.  But I'm going to have lunch with a potentially new friend tomorrow and I'm going to keep trying to build a new life for myself.

[Janes Groove]

My experience was that all of the success I achieved in my life before I came out was impossible for me to enjoy.  How could I enjoy it?  None of it belonged to me.  All that success belonged to an impostor. 
He couldn't enjoy it either because he wasn't real.

Sounds like what they want is to be close to the impostor.  They can't shower the support on you because they are still relating to the impostor.   The choice is theirs.  You have shown them the truth.  Maybe they'll come around. Maybe they won't.  It's the bargain we make.  The price we pay.

[Allie Jayne]

Like so many other posts on this forum, I can relate. Though small differences might allow another perspective. My wife is terrified someone might see me en femme. She loves and accepts me, though not enthusiastic about my gender change. She is my second wife. My first wife left me as she couldn't cope with being a mother to pre schoolers, so I raised them. My current wife was a close friend for many years, and was partly attracted to me as I was maternal and a homebody. Before we married 20 years ago, she was shocked when I told her I was trans, and initially left me. She realised it was partly my female side which she loved, so we married and I was allowed to be myself at home.

Her issue is that she has family and friends who would probably not react well to me changing gender. She has a real fear someone will see me and make unkind and embarrassing remarks to her. Right now, those fears are probably enough for her to leave me. I think she would reconsider and maybe come back, but I don't want to lose her or need an expensive divorce in my late 60's. I am very empathetic, and I can see the reason for her fears. My plan is to medically transition and let her slowly get used to a more feminine me, and slowly come out to my close family and friends, and hopefully she will see that others will accept me and her fear will diminish.

I came out to my boss a couple of weeks ago as she was worried about why I was seeing specialists (Psyche and Endo) every few weeks. My boss is way more than accepting, and is super confident all my co workers (mostly female) will be thrilled when they find out. I am confident my children and other family will accept me as they know I have a female brain. As my body softens and becomes more feminine I believe it will be easier for others to accept me and my wife will come around. Yep, lots of if's, but I'm not ready to go full time yet, and she is worth the effort!

If it doesn't work I will be bitterly disappointed, but I'm guessing I will be having trouble passing as a man at some stage, and one way or another, it will be resolved.  So I feel for you Paige, and I more than sympathise with as we travel the same road, albeit in different lanes. I hope it works out for you.

Allie

[pamelatransuk]

My experience was that all of the success I achieved in my life before I came out was impossible for me to enjoy.  How could I enjoy it?  None of it belonged to me.  All that success belonged to an impostor. 
He couldn't enjoy it either because he wasn't real.

Sounds like what they want is to be close to the impostor.  They can't shower the support on you because they are still relating to the impostor.   

Hello again

First of all Janes' first para above describes my situation perfectly. I couldn't enjoy the success and nor could he because he was false.

Sadly many families including mine wanted to love the impostor instead of me. They were only prepared to accept me on their terms. This a form of control. However I must make it clear that I am NOT implying control happens in other cases on this thread.

I found it painful that my mother (who has now passed) thought of me as an embarrassment and hence I do understand and sympathize with you, Breeze. It was painful to hear the statement "What will the neighbours think?"

I hope, Breeze, that you find resolution to this problem but as others have said, it takes time. No guarantees but sometimes some family members come round given time.

Hugs

Pamela 

[krobinson103]

My experience was that all of the success I achieved in my life before I came out was impossible for me to enjoy.  How could I enjoy it?  None of it belonged to me.  All that success belonged to an impostor. 
He couldn't enjoy it either because he wasn't real.

Sounds like what they want is to be close to the impostor.  They can't shower the support on you because they are still relating to the impostor.   The choice is theirs.  You have shown them the truth.  Maybe they'll come around. Maybe they won't.  It's the bargain we make.  The price we pay.

I agree with this. The 'person' I was for 42 years was never me. All the things I did in that time built me up to the point where I could be me, but it also traumatized me so deeply I'll never really get rid of it. Living behind an opaque wall and pretending was only going to drive me to an early grave. The best thing I ever did was to stop hiding. It cost me my family, my home, almost my career. End of the day none of these things matter. If you can't live as yourself there really isn't much point to life at all.

[warmbody28]

I did have this for the longest time. People who said they were friends and family members as well. But at some point after i finished nursing school and became semi successful I stopped caring what they thought. I told them if they are ashamed of me they dont need to call or come around because always being shamed made me feel bad and i didnt want that anymore. once I changed my surroundings and the people I was around i didn't feel the stigma or embarrassment anymore. the only time i feel the stigma now is depending on where im traveling internationally.

[Zefoxe]

You are fighting against social norms and a good percentage of the population is already afraid of change whether its something simple like a different postman or moving to a new house. Acceptance relies heavily on that persons character and psyche. Time and distance is always helpful especially for healing and lets people think better.

The best way of explaining being trans to cis people to me is likening it to becoming blind or amputee, [its no way anywhere close in relation and I'm not saying being trans is a disability so please dont take it that way] its a drastic change in you but a necessity. I asked my spouse would she leave me if I had a medical condition that caused me to lose a limb or sight and she said no. It became hard to use logical explanation to justify why being transgender was any different other then a battle with social norms.

Hope that helps in any way

-Sabrina

[Kylo]

Living in fear is no life at all.

I know some people are worried about what might happen if it becomes known what I am. I know my partner's folks are coming down in the summer and they don't know so that's going to be "fun". But there's no point hiding from it, imo. I'm too exhausted from realizing the source of my stress through my whole life was mainly this, and I'll be damned if I'm going to live in fear now because of it. This thing ruined my life and (a lot of) prospects in the past, and I guess I just can't be all things to all people. Better to be who you are and let those who love you for that come to you. Those who don't will just have to be acceptable losses. It's a no-win situation in some respects, but it is better to come out of it being yourself than not, at least in my view. In my view, all we really have is ourselves, and the decisions we make... everything else can potentially be taken away from us. To live the way you wanted is to live true in this brief time allowed us.

[Shay9999]

If I were in your shoes, I'd tell them how much I love them. I'd write them letters and speak to them in person. I'd give them everything and tell them that I'm ready to live my life, and to be happy. That who I am is the person before them. I'd tell them that I want them to be a part of my life because I love them, but I deserve to love myself, too.

Personally, I, too, look down on trans people. I see myself as not a real woman at times. But, I need to be myself, and I don't need everyone to be 100% supportive, but acceptance of who I am is nice. I'd tell them I understand their stigma, their negativity, and that we live in a culture that doesn't approve of anything that's not cisgender heterosexuality. But, as someone that loves them, regardless of how they treat you, you'll still be as loving and as supportive as always. With that, I'd leave, and if they want to spend time with me, I'd take baby steps and not put myself into a situation where I feel uncomfortable. If I do feel uncomfortable after telling them everything, I'd vocalize it and wouldn't be afraid to leave if things get out of hand.

Losing family to this disapproval is hard. My family and I had a brief falling out, but they loved me as much as I loved them, and now we're all better. Unfortunately, I was lucky, and your circumstances may be completely different.

Whatever happens, be true to yourself and communicate to your family. Everything will be okay.