Hello Everyone

[Caitlin]

I've been reading this forum for a while and myself have recently come out as m2f to some of my close friends and family. I'm 24 years old and as with the rest of you I have know this all my life and its something i want to deal with while i'm still at this age. I'm on a 2 month wait list for counseling as there aren't many resources in my area.

About two months ago, I came out to a close friend of mine and was met with acceptance which blossomed into a relationship which was wonderful for me. It allowed me to explore this side of me with someone else, come out to my mother and my aunts as well as some of my other friends.

Last saturday however, I decided to have a down to earth discussion with her. Her family doesn't know about me and she sensors me around them which bothered me to some extent (shes going to school and lives at home). I wanted to know if she thought her family could handle it. She knows my intention of taking hormones in the near future since the beginning of our relationship which she did not have a problem with. I didn't push the issue since it'd be sometime in the future that people may start noticing and asking questions.

She didn't want to deal with the possible repercussions of being involved with me, she ended the relationship the next day. She still wants to remain friends with me, but I'm having a difficult time with that.

I spoke to my cousin the other day who i have also come out to. She is sympathetic but told me that she probably wouldn't want to be seen with me because shes concerned about what people may think of her.

I'm finding that people seem to be much more accepting in theory than in actual practice and its somewhat disconcerting. It seems as though people who are accepting all have people in their lives who wouldn't approve of me. Somehow being involved with me would jeopardize those relationships. I've limited discussion with other people in my life but coming out to my mom was tough. She tends to say what i feel are very inappropriate things to me whenever i come to her in emotional distress.

During the conversation about me i learned (i know things about my father but this was tough) that my mom was on numerous occasions brutally beaten and raped by my father. He had also beaten me as a small child and that both my grandparents and my father fought quite hard to have me aborted.

This is someone i was sent to visit a couple weeks out of the year through my childhood. I always came back in tears. I don't really recall much of my childhood.

My parents were never married and we never lived together for any extended period of time. My mother married when we moved. Hes not much better, very emotionally abusive but not physically.

I've got a lot on my plate right now and I can't wait to get into counseling but right now i'm not doing so hot, sleepless nights seem to carry on forever. I guess i'm just sorta rambling right now, i haven't slept in a couple of days and this week has been rough. I write software and have been on call 24 hours the past week for technical support (which they tend to employ at 3am).

[shanetastic]

Hey Caitlin,

I have to say, for being on the start of this journey, your in for something super hard, so prepare yourself!  I'm sorry about the loss of your girlfriend, but hopefully you can stay friends and she can help you later on in your transition. 

I used to be like you as well, restless nights and never sleeping.  Definitely some sort of anxiety on my part to just start this process and work towards my goal.  I was sick of therapists just saying, "Oh I don't think your ready yet, I don't really know why yet though."  You'll be on your path soon enough, so take a deep breath, relax a little, and prepare for the ride of a lifetime

Welcome and hope you enjoy yourself here!

[cindybc]

Hi Caitlin
Sounds like you got your fair share of knocks, more bumps then billiard balls on a billiard table. Truly thought I do sympathize with you and I do believe you will find others who got heir bumps in early transition as well. I say early transmission because I believe you will learn how to avoid the knocks as you get further into real life experince.

I guess I  had an exceptional child hood. Loving parents and maybe even spoiled me some. I had my freedom to go where ever I wanted because they trusted me. Unfortunately they are both deceased now. he baddest part of my childhood was school, they had me pegged as weird or a freek. And an abusive relationship, I had no way to know back then why I was treated like that but then being an empath I belied that my energy rubbed people wrongly.

Anyway, welcome to Susan's and I believe you will find many answers to your questions  and no shortage of those that will be willing to walk you through your transition

Cindy.   

[Christo]

Welcome to susans place Caitlin

[cjennyb]

Welcome Caitlin,

I hope things get easier for you now.   Having people to talk to helps an awful lot.   
Counselling/therapy should also help a great deal with your issues.

Good luck.  It isn't easy, but it sure is worth it.

Jenny

[tinkerbell]

Hello Caitlin and welcome to Susan's!

Thank you for your introduction.  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

[Caitlin]

Thanks for the kind words, I look forward to becoming a part of this community. Reading posts about your experiences have really helped me get to where i am today. Its nice to know that i'm not alone in this and there are other people out there like me.

I'm looking forward to counseling with someone thats informed about these issues as my first session with a counselor i spent informing her about transgender issues and HRT. Its a little frustrating to have to sit here and wait but i'll get through it.

[Dante]

Welcome to Susan's, Caitlin! It sounds like you had/have a hard life. I hear you. I don't suffer any physical abuse, but my mind is whirling with doubt and uncertainty. I've had more than my fair share of misery. Hope you get to transition soon. I still have a long ways to go.

You'll find it's nice to be able to talk to other people like yourself here. It helps to talk about things, and get advice on how to take care of certain problems. It has helped me a lot. So once again, welcome to Susan's Place!

[lady amarant]

Hey Caitlin,

I'm kinda new here myself, but I've quickly found Susan's to be a very good place to find information, listen or just pour your heart out. I hope you'll be happy here!

What you said about people being way more accepting in theory than practice is very true, I've found in my own situation anyway. People like to think of themselves as progressive, open-minded and accepting, but more often than not they just don't live up to that. I think most people value secure, safe and stable over pretty-much everything else. We introduce an absolute wildcard into their lives, rock their world-view, be it religious, their views on family, or thinking of themselves as successful parents/siblings/friends/whatever. Most people just don't seem to handle that very well, or else it takes a long time for them to.

Good luck, Goddess Bless.

Simone

[Wing Walker]

I spoke to my cousin the other day who i have also come out to. She is sympathetic but told me that she probably wouldn't want to be seen with me because shes concerned about what people may think of her.

I'm finding that people seem to be much more accepting in theory than in actual practice and its somewhat disconcerting. It seems as though people who are accepting all have people in their lives who wouldn't approve of me. Somehow being involved with me would jeopardize those relationships. I've limited discussion with other people in my life but coming out to my mom was tough. She tends to say what i feel are very inappropriate things to me whenever i come to her in emotional distress.

During the conversation about me i learned (i know things about my father but this was tough) that my mom was on numerous occasions brutally beaten and raped by my father. He had also beaten me as a small child and that both my grandparents and my father fought quite hard to have me aborted.

This is someone i was sent to visit a couple weeks out of the year through my childhood. I always came back in tears. I don't really recall much of my childhood.

My parents were never married and we never lived together for any extended period of time. My mother married when we moved. Hes not much better, very emotionally abusive but not physically.

I've got a lot on my plate right now and I can't wait to get into counseling but right now i'm not doing so hot, sleepless nights seem to carry on forever. I guess i'm just sorta rambling right now, i haven't slept in a couple of days and this week has been rough. I write software and have been on call 24 hours the past week for technical support (which they tend to employ at 3am).

Hi, Caitlin,

Welcome to Susan's!  This is one place where all are welcome.  You can share and learn from the collective experiences of many. 

I bolded your text (above) to point out one thing:  When all is said and done, more is said than done.

Families can be extremely judgmental and tend to avoid any member who dares to be different.  They are among the least supportive of all the people I know.  If you open a business that sells what they need at a fair price, they will shop elsewhere.  It never fails.

Please feel free to post whatever you need to, whenever you need to.  There are some very caring people in here.

Wing Walker