We need to tell Nana!

[Transteenmom]

Our 14-year-old came out as trans to us 2 months ago. It wasn't too surprising, and we support, love and accept totally. No one in the extended family is religious. Grandma #1 is a lesbian! The issue: Our teen has had wonderful conversations coming out to grandma #1, grandpa and his wife, aunts and uncles, close family friends and their kids, teachers, classmates and the entire universe on Instagram. But he says he still isn't ready to come out to grandma #2. He also insists his dad can't talk to her about it or that would be outing him against his will.

Nana is the grandparent he's closest to. And Nana and my husband are VERY close, so not revealing this info requires lying and hiding things from her, which is stressful and damaging to my husband's relationship with his mom. Nana is non-religious and politically progressive and gives no indication in any way that the conversation would go badly. She is often grumpy and hard to talk to, but not anti-LGBTQ at all.

We are all so stressed about this. Everything i read says parents should talk to grandparents, which we want to do if our son isn't ready to have the conversation. But he insists that we don't talk to her (which sounds like a copout given his Instagram fame). Can't figure out a way forward...any thoughts or experiences with this would be wonderful to hear. Thanks.

[Haley Conner]

Perhaps you could explain it to her in terms of " There's an issue, but we're unable to talk about it due to privacy concerns, but we're working on it. " ?  Then she won't feel like people are trying to keep her in the dark so much.

[Transteenmom]

Hmmmm, thank you, that could be a short-term fix, I see your point. I'll suggest that to son and husband!

[Iztaccihuatl]

Perhaps you could explain it to her in terms of " There's an issue, but we're unable to talk about it due to privacy concerns, but we're working on it. " ?  Then she won't feel like people are trying to keep her in the dark so much.

Keep in mind that this could also backfire. After telling her that she knows that something is up, but she is still kept in the dark. And she will start to guess what it is and imagine all kinds of things that are not true.

I have tried that approach with my wife shortly before coming out to her as trans in an attempt to soften the blow, and she imagined all sort of things, like I was gay, I was going to ask for a divorce, etc.

[V M]

Hi Transteenmom 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[KathyLauren]

At this point, I think talking to your son would be more productive than talking to gramdma.  Find out why it is important to him to not let grandma know.  Knowing the why of it should hopefully reveal a road forward.

[Rayna]

And make sure your son understands how hard this makes it for your husband, keeping his secret. I had to let my wife tell all her friends and family, because she needed the support and not to hide secrets.

[Transteenmom]

Thanks to all for your thoughts, they are helpful!! I posted don the Introduction page too :-)

[NancyBalik]

It is his story to tell. Whatever happens in his relationship with his grandma belongs to him. Do not get in front of him. Remember, he is only 14 — let him be 14. You are trying to be supportive parents, and you are accepting parents — so many of us wish we'd had the same. But allow this to play out over time... Nancy