Job Loss

[Iztaccihuatl]

At the place where I work they announced today an IT outsourcing deal which would eliminate an estimated 80% of the IT workforce, including my position. For the moment I am ok since my exit date is not until the end of the year and then a decent severance package will kick in, so I am not really worried yet. At least the full weight of that announcement today hasn't set in with me yet, so emotionally I am doing fine.

Normally in this situation one would dust off their resume, start the job hunt in fall and hopefully land a job in January to enjoy double income while the severance pay is still trickling in.

However, my trans side is smelling an opportunity here: start with HRT and hair removal asap, go full time in January and use the time of severance pay as a transition sabbatical and find a new job as a woman next summer. Sounds great, doesn't it?

Well, the rational me thinks that I am not prepared yet for such a leap forward for a couple of reasons: (1) I came out to my wife very recently (6 months ago) and I am still officially in the explorative phase to find out where on the trans spectrum I stand (although I officially I feel I am more on the transition end of the spectrum) (2) I haven't worked out the situation with my wife and moving fast on my side carries the risk of a separation and/or divorce. She tolerates some cross dressing at home but this is pretty much the whole extent she is willing to come along at the moment. I also have not brought anybody else of my family into the loop. (3) Trying to find a job as a not-yet-passable woman will be difficult and carries the risk of having to settle for a job with lower salary or lesser responsibilities that I would be able to land as a male. (4) Waiting until the end of severance pay carries the risk of running out of severance pay and still not having a job with not many options to reduce spending.

In other words: Sooo many reasons not to jump at this opportunity, but at the same time such a great eagerness to jump right at it!

I would like to see what you all think of this and how you would handle this situation.

Thanks,

HM


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[KathyLauren]

Sorry to hear that you will be losing your job.  Only you can decide what to do.

Rushing your transition faster than planned could have some unpleasant consequences.  You have noted that the risk to your marriage will increase if you rush it.  And that job hunting before you are more passable could be a problem.  The emotional strain (there is always some) of transition will be bigger if you rush it.

What is the advantage of moving quickly?  I suppose you would avoid transitioning in a workplace.  I can't think of anything else. 

Is avoiding a workplace transition worth the risks?  Most large employers have transgender and transitioning policies in place that would protect you during a transition.  There are lots of workplace transition stories on the forums here, and I can't recall many that were negative.  Most find good support, at least in larger corporations.  It doesn't need to be a huge worry.

When you do your job hunting, you can scope out the policies of prospective companies to ensure that you get one that has supportive policies.

In short, I can see a bunch of negatives to rushing your transition, and no significant positives.

[Rachel]

Hi,

You could find a new job now and start there now. When you are ready to transition then transition. You could find a HRC 100 scored company and one the has great benefits for trans, teaching hospitals and Universities come to mind. My transition has cost a lot of money and insurance was an big help. It helps that my CEO is awesome and she supports evidence based research and its application to staff.

At some point you and your wife should go to couples counselling. It would be helpful to be open and honest. Keep in mind as time goes on and you develop your new self transition may be something you must do and at a level you are just imaging now.

I was coming out of spin class tonight. I passed by a full length mirror and looked at my reflection. I thought I look pretty good, even a little cute. I neve thought the dream would come true. The price was a lot for me and my family but I feel right in my skin now. You may at some point feel great in your own skin. My first therapist said it was possible but it would mean a lot of hard work and sacrifice. She was right.

Woman are paid less, work harder and get a lot of crap from many guys. Many guys dismiss our ideas and expect us to be silent and listen to their wisdom and agree. It is worse for trans woman. You have to claim your space as a woman and be all that and more.

[Dena]

Pretty much the same thing happened to me except I didn't get the warning or the pay. I had been doing part time and I figure it would be 6 or more months until I went full time. I decided to move the schedule up and look for a job as a female because if I got a new job, it would probably be a year before I was secure enough in the new job to address full time. It was a trade off between too soon or too late so I favored soon.

[no_one]

Sorry to hear about your job loss situation however the notice is great.  While I am not going through the job loss portion, I am in a similar spot with my wife and figuring out myself.  I can not see any benefit from my perspective into rushing, especially if you are trying to keep the marriage.  I understand the temptation, I worry the cost benefit is not there.  Good luck and hope to hear from you soon!

[Iztaccihuatl]

Kathy, Rachel, Dena and no_one,

Thanks for your insights. I have to admit, the timeline I lined out is aggressive and wouldn't leave much room for unforeseen events.

What triggered this idea was the realization that in all likelihood we have to relocate for a new job and both my wife and I would have to build a new set of friends in the new location. Since one of my wife's concern about me being more open and presenting as a woman is a feeling of embarrassment in front of her friends, such a move to a new location would eliminate that feeling.

Clearly, there are softer approaches as well, such as trying to find a job as a male in January in a trans friendly workplace, relocate and go full time except on the job, but build a new net of friends who only know me as trans and then transition later on the job. And, save the severance pay for transition related expenses. However, even that scenario would be tough for my wife, since she would lose her husband for good if I presented female at home 24*7.

Again, thanks for your input, sometimes it is good to have friends who hold you back a bit before doing something that can backfire. It is just that the emotional appeal of speeding things up and grabbing this opportunity now is really huge!

HM

[Allie Jayne]

HM, unless you can prevent fairly convincingly now, you may not be able to reach a comfortable presentation in that time frame. If you haven't figured out your place in the spectrum yet, I'm guessing you aren't on HRT? Under the care of a therapist? If you aren't passable, it may make it a bit harder to get a job as a woman. My advice would be to talk about this with a therapist, and your wife, to find where you are at and how to proceed to achieve your goals. I'd hate to start a new job as a non passing tg, distracted by trying to save your marriage, or worse, going through the hell that is divorce.

The secret to transitioning is to be patient and make good decisions.

Allie

[Iztaccihuatl]

Yes, of course I plan to talk this over with my therapist in my next session. I just wanted to get some other opinions here as well, thanks to all who replied.

Whatever I decide, I will make sure that my next employer has an excellent health insurance that covers lots of transition related stuff and has a trans-friendly policy which is actually enforced.




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[Allie Jayne]

Although incidents like job loss are horrible and scary times, they are also windows of opportunity, and often you will ultimately glad they happened. Use the opportunity to re start your life working towards your goals. It was an illness which finally pushed me to start hrt, and though i hated being sick, it was the window I needed. It sound like you are on track to make it work for you!

Hugs, Allie

[Rachel]

You and only you manage your transition and what you need to achieve and do to be comfortable and happy (yes happy).

HRT can take years to be impactful. There are other procedures like facial hair removal (laser and electrolysis) which I recommend you start very soon. I am approaching 500 hours of electrolysis and I am finally seeing good results. 

Weight loss and toning is something you can start if needed.

Learn to use a little makeup. Nail polish is tough as you are not out at work. I use powder and it is awesome but it stays on for 2 weeks. Something to look forward to.

Clothing is something to buy and use at home.

Your wife has a lot of adjusting. You may urge her to see a therapist.

[Iztaccihuatl]

Rachel,

Thanks for your tips. I have been secretly crossdressing for a couple of years, couldn't bear the burden of the secret any longer and came out to my wife last November. She tolerates the crossdressing, so since then I have built a decent number of outfits. And I dipped my toe into the makeup area. Since my skin isn't as smooth as I would like and the beard shows through a bit, my makeup always results heavier than I would like.

My wife has been with me to some of my therapy sessions, but even my therapist thinks that she is very firm on her opinions which is that she is okay with crossdressing at home but nothing beyond that. I am aware that this is the most important problem I need to solve. I am hoping that constant small little steps will help her become more accepting, but that requires a lot of patience. And  am not a very patient person.