Im sorry everyone if this is long its also a journal for me to see where I started and see how far I have come, farther than I ever thought I had the courage to do. And now where I go from here since im at the cusp of social transition stage for me
This journey started preteen before I even knew what transgender was I just knew that I was a bit odd for a boy and I didn't quite fit in with boys or girls. In those days the Gay Rights Movement was just starting and Transgender individuals were seldom even mentioned unless it was to ridicule and shame the freaks.
I was like most of that era and before just told what was allowed for boys and girls to do. if I did anything remotely feminine sometimes just corrected but most of the time was punished and publicly humiliated for every indiscretion which were many in the younger years. Over time I was conditioned that feminine feelings and expression had to be hidden at any cost to protect myself and cause more pain from family and friends. So in private I would express myself and could express but in public I had to hide as best I could any feelings of femininity, this did not always work but I tried so I could just fit and blend into what the standards society set.
This went on thru one marriage , kids , and grandkids but as many here it can only be suppressed for so long until my emotional stability just could not take the pain of it any longer.
I was married at 18 , first child at 18, second child at 20, divorced at 27, first grandchild at 35 second grandchild at 40. Im currently 53.
Once I was divorced I started even back then doing things that mostly couldn't be seen, started wearing women's underwear I believe was the first, the first time going to work in them I was so scared someone would know, was sure that someone was going to figure it out it didn't happen that first day. So I tried another day and nothing happened so I just became the norm for me and over time I never even thought of it any more.
Then I stared wearing women's jeans same thing figured someone was going to call me out on it and again nothing happened so it became the norm. I have worked in construction all my adult life so this was a bit odd to be on construction sites in women's panties and jeans boots and eventually everything was womens except for my shirts because I had such a belly at the time but I made sure that it nothing overtly feminine and it only came up once years down the road.
I was doing a lot of welding and used a torch a lot in those days so the sparks would burn my arm hair and had a piece of molten slag go down my shirt sleeve and ignite my underarm hair one day. That night I thought about and the next day I showed up with my arms and underarms shaved I actually joked about not having to worry about catching on fire with everyone there. Everyone laughed about what happened the day before watching my try to put out my underarm hair. They joked a bit then went back to work and from that day forward I shaved my arms and underarms and no one ever again said anything.
I slowly over years introduced things like above thinking that someone would notice and call me out on anything but it never happened , I also was shavings my legs wearing clear nail polish and although some may thought it strange for them just accepted all these little things about me as who I was.
But i got to the point where I there was nothing left I could do to help relieve some of the pressure I was feeling emotionally inside. I was living at home alone female 95% of the time. At 49 I was getting close to where I was when I attempted suicide at 15 and knew I had to do something.
Im 5'6" and at the end of 2014 I weighed 250lbs of pure misery , I decided if I was going to try to really transition at least a little I did not want to do it so overweight. So I started on exercise and calorie counting , I lost 110lbs it took me about one year I was down to 140lbs but found I needed a few more pounds to feel a little better so I went up to 143lbs and felt wonderful.
I also at that time stopped cutting my ¼" long hair, so that everyone would see it get slowly get longer but not short one day and long the next , my hair is now 16" long
I started therapy in 2016 with one insurance company but when It came time to get HRT they couldn't find a endo with any Trans experience. I had heard good things about Kaiser Permente and their care for transgendered patients so I made the switch at the beginning of 2017 but had to start their process again and was able to start low dose HRT in May of 2017.
My plan at the time was just to be low dose HRT maybe to retirement if I could but after the first few days I knew that was not going to be possible for just low dose. The Anger and rage and frustration I had my entire life was lifting just a little at a time. I did not even know how much anger and resentment I actually had until I started HRT and just the little relief I had from the low dose was enough to let me know that there is another way I could live I had never felt before. Happiness and Contentment
So I had the endo start raising my dosages until I was on a full transition dose, still not at this time actually believing I would socially transition. A lot of the fear of the public transition for me stems from owning a smaller commercial construction company. This is my livelihood im a expert in my field and I would be financially ruined if it goes bad and I cannot get any projects. I have been told by a few people that they would never hire a women to do work for them.
Losing the business/home/ and stability has been my biggest fear during this whole process and still is my biggest fear today
At the beginning of 2017 my actual only goal was to start low dose HRT with so many fears that anything else at that time seemed inconceivable and way to much to ever think of accomplishing
My therapist asked to me list what I have accomplished since first sitting in her chair in 2017
• 2016 Therapy
• May 2017 start of low dose HRT
• June 2017 bad experience with voice therapy only two sessions and stopped
• October 2017 to Feb 2018 laser hair removal on face
• December 2017 started electrolysis of face every an hour every wed, fri sat until now
• November 2018 First FFS consultation
• March 2019 Orchiectomy
• Started getting maam instead of sir even in andro mode about 30% of the time
• April 2019 Came out to all family and friends 100% out , except for business
• May 2019 second consultation FFS
• Printed all forms for gender/name change so ready when I am
• May 2019 electrolysis enters maintenance stage
• May 2019 orders custom hair system
• May 2019 started voice therapy
• May 2019 booked lessons with a Make-up artist experienced with transgender
• July 2019 appointment set for 3rd consultation FFS
Looking at everything at a whole that it takes to transitition when I was trying to decide if I was going to take the leap and transition would overwhelm me and I would suppress again and again for years. But all it took was that first step and completing one thing at a time. The whole process takes a long time and it give me a chance to process each choice before it is made and given time I now look back and what I have done and just say wow never thought I would get this far.
I will now it seems be moving faster because im at that point. I had so much fear to start but I did not want to start presenting until I was done with facial removal and so I was able to just cruise along mostly for the last two years with less fear because I new i had some time but one day my electrogist just said I don't have anything here to work with you will need to start coming in less often . It snuck up on me and that fear has come back because I now have to start again about how to socially come out in public.
I will continue to post to this as things progress from here
