I'm having a rough time right now.
I mean firstly there's my health issues. It's getting worse and worse. I got literally 3 days without pain this cycle. I had a headache, a severe headache for about a week and then a few days of feeling not awful and then the pms kicked in again, the low grade headaches started, the slight nausea is begining, my chest has swollen up and hurts so badly I can't even touch them without wincing, down below is tender and sore and swollen up which then pulls on my scars in that region which leads to THOSE hurting so badly I can't sit comfortably.
I just feel so unwell.
I can't stop sleeping either. I'm tired ALL the time. The exhaustion is just unreal.
I feel sick constantly. Chronically and unendingly sick.
and that messes with my mental health so despite my antidepressants the depression is creeping in, that feeling of helplessness, of hopelessness, that feeling that things will never ever get any better.
I've had these problems ever since I hit puberty and over the years i've had to fight endlessly for treatment, to be listened to, to actually be acknowledged and still, twenty four years on, i'm no closer to being well. In fact, if anything, i'm even worse.
Every time I seek medical help the circus starts up again. The endless hoops I have to jump through, the hurdles I have to climb over and ultimately it always ends up the same. I subject myself to endless tests, being poked and prodded like a slab of meat and they come back with a shrug, tell me it's "idiopathic" and send me home with painkillers or hormones that make me sicker.
and so it continues, around and around and around till I give up because i'm too exhausted to continue to fight.
And every year or so it restarts, I get the energy or desperation to seek help again, the whole thing restarts and again i'm defeated.
I just feel like nothing ever changes. Nothing ever gets better. Every step forward is three steps backwards, every time I think we might have a solution a dozen or more hurdles are thrown up, more walls are erected to prevent me accessing that solution.
And i'm genuinely too tired to continue.
I have a doctors appointment on monday, two actually. one with the nurse to have glucose and hormones done AGAIN for the upteenth fricken time and one later in the day to try to convince my gp to give me an ultrasound and perscribe metformin.
But they won't give me metformin on the NHS because they suck and my private specialist wants all my bloods first so it's more waiting, more enduring, more wanting to just curl up and not wake up again.
What is happening to my body goes above and beyond anything i've ever heard about PCOS. PCOS sucks but it's not supposed to make you this phsyically ILL.
It's been allowed to continue unchecked for too long and it's already done irreperable damage. I've got hypertension, i've got high cholesterol, I'm at a huge risk for type 2 diabetes and heart disease and stroke.
My body isn't just struggling, it's shutting down.
I feel like i'm dying. Very very slowly, but i'm certain this will kill me.
I can't continue like this. I just can't. Life has become intollerable. Existance is untennable.
And I can't help but fear that even WITH the metformin it won't help. That even IF they finally decide to give me T it won't help.
I just want to feel well. To be comfortable and happy and healthy. I don't actually remember what it feels like to be comfortable in your own skin, to be healthy and happy to be you. It's been so so long, I can't remember it.
Right now i'm at war with my own body. I can't even HIDE these feminine traits right now because the swelling means my usual sports bra binding technique isn't working at all and these damn things show up even under multiple baggy layers and the pain down below means I can't wear anything with a seam because it irritates very swollen very sensitive tissues so I have to wear skirts.
and it's bad enough to feel so SICK, but to be forced to present in a more feminine manner because your body is betraying you is just utterly cruel.
and then to top things off my husband is getting... wierd with me.
He's never been great when it comes to me needing emotional support, he says it "stresses him out" and basically shuts me down so I feel like I can't talk about it.
But he also tenses up when I talk about my hopes and the exciting things T does.
And I mean I get it, it IS a big deal to have your wife become your husband but I just wish he'd stop giving me such mixed messages.
He's still physically affectionate, but then shuts down when I talk about stuff.
and he admitted a couple of days ago he wants to talk to a therapist because he's "not processing this"
and so on top of my health issues im panicking thinking i've destroyed my marriage as well. I feel guilty and i'm terrified he's going to leave me.
It was our wedding anniversary yesterday. We've been married 10 years and I fear he thinks it was all under false pretenses.
I can't help but wish i'd worked all this out earlier, rather than waiting a decade to drop this bombshell.
but I don't know how to handle this, how to support him when I need support myself and have nobody to lean on at all.
I feel like i'm fighting everything alone, and i'm genuinely not strong enough to keep up that fight solo.
I can't keep living like this, but at the same time, I haven't got the strength to climb all these hurdles and make a difference.
the universe just keeps throwing more and more in front of me and I can't do it. I can barely get out of bloody bed, how the hell am i supposed to fight for my health and marriage?