Hello all, I've been following this page off and on for some time and decided my next step in this journey is to create a profile (baby steps).
First let me say, my name is Ashley and this is how I got here...If I go back far enough, I can remember wishing in my early teens (or sooner) I was born a girl. I don' t remember how or why but soon after I began finding clothes to dress in and would do this on and off the rest of my teen years. At the time, I didn't know much about what transgender was so what I was doing and why I enjoyed dressing up was a mystery to me. I found I was more relaxed in women's clothing (although there was some anxiety about it after). As life went on, and when time and privacy permitted, I would drift between dressing and the desire to be a girl to shame, guilt and confusion.
This went on for a few years. Most of the time I repressed these feelings and forged ahead with life. Thoughts of dressing or other feminine desires would quickly be dismissed and I would find a distraction. I did my best to fit in and conform to expectations. I started a family, found a good job and became what I thought I was supposed to be. The problem is I was never comfortable in my own skin, although I still never really made the connection between my suppressing my desires to dress and be feminine with my general feeling of being uncomfortable.
Eventually I drifted into self-medication and spent most of my nights drinking enough to erase anxiety and get myself to sleep. On occasion, I when I was alone, I would have a few drinks and find some clothes to dress in, but these times were few and far between. Most the time I would just drink to ease the pain, and it worked...until it didn't. Eventually heavy drinking led to strains with my family, friends, and work. Now NOT drinking would cause me anxiety and my general gender dysphoria became only one of a thousand things that would cause me to panic.
Eventually I was given anxiety medication, which was bad idea as one day I took a handful, not because I was really trying to hurt myself, but rather calling for help and not thinking clearly. Waking up from that mess really made me look at myself, I needed help and I told everyone. Eventually I was able to get to rehab and get sober. This saved my life, my family, and even my career.
Now, fast forward a few years later, I no longer drink and have changed my lifestyle for the better. Eventually though, those old feelings of dysphoria from way back began to resurface. It turns out, you can't ignore a problem until it goes away. I started to have desires to dress again, my dysphoria became worse than I could ever remember and my desire to express my feminine self would grow stronger. This time however, I reached out to a therapist who specialized in these things. This was about nine months ago. She's helped me slowly begin to accept myself. While I haven't opened up and come out, I have begun to embrace who I am and not run from these feelings but explore them, which brings me here. My name is Ashley, and transgender, MTF. Coming out on this page, is just another in many steps I have taken and will continue to take.
If you read this all, thank you. It was a bit much but felt good to type.
