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The other side of fear

Started by Jessica_Rose, January 02, 2024, 09:32:24 AM

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Jessica_Rose

« on: July 01, 2019, 07:43:23 pm »
My company holds a yearly National Coming Out day event on or near 11 Oct. Last year I volunteered to tell my story live during the event, and it was an incredible experience. I asked if I could return to the event this year so I could tell more of my story, and it looks like I will be able to speak once again. I was asked to write a newsletter article to help build interest in the event, so I decided to provide details about what was almost the last few minutes of my life. The details are difficult for me to talk about, but I wanted others to know how dark your life can become when you have been forced to hide for so long. I hope no one ever reaches this point in their life.

Most of us have fears. We learn to live with them and work around them, but they still affect our lives. If you're afraid of heights, you may never experience the stunning views from the edge of a cliff. If you're claustrophobic, you may never experience the wonders deep inside a cave. If you're afraid of coming out, you may never experience the joy of simply being yourself.

Suppressing your true self can cause internal conflicts, for me it was anger. At the National Coming Out Day event last year I spoke about an incident that occurred before I came out. My family and I were in our car and I had become enraged over a trivial issue. There was a handgun in the glovebox. I told my wife to shoot me. I almost did it myself, but I was stopped by the terror in our daughters' faces.

The day after telling that story I visited my older daughter. Sitting in the hotel room after she left, I cried in anguish as vivid memories about that day in the car came flooding back. It wasn't my daughters' faces that stopped me. I had realized that ending my life in front of them would destroy their lives as well. I couldn't imagine how they could ever recover from it. Then I had the darkest thoughts anyone could ever have. There were four of us. My revolver held five rounds. Who goes first? What if I miss? I was only stopped by the possibility of not having enough ammo to complete the task.

That is how far into darkness someone can fall when they have hidden and suppressed their soul for decades. I was a heartbeat away from destroying my entire family, and no one would have ever known why. Decades of living in fear had kept me from understanding and accepting who I was, coming out, and becoming my true self.

George Addair once said, "Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear."

I now find joy in simply being myself. Family and friends comment about how much happier I am. Seeing people overcome their fears and become their true self is a heartwarming experience, and it gives hope to those still hiding in darkness. Please show your support and join us for the National Coming Out Day event in October, the life you save may be your own.


Love always -- Jessica Rose
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Gwendoline

#1
So great you used the coming out day to share your story.

But most of all it takes currage to write so open of th final crossroad you passed! So glad you made the choice to go on on the dark rode and still here with us. I think lots of us had a point of no return before we went on the road to get treated.
  • skype:Gwendoline?call
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tgirlamg

QuoteGeorge Addair once said, "Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear."

Jessica!... I am glad you found your way to the other side! We put ourselves through so much and in the end... all the fears are for naught..

Ranier Marie Rilke in "Letters To A Young Poet" put it like this...

"Our Fears Are Like Dragons Guarding Our Most Precious Treasure"

Onward

Ashley 😀💕🌻
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment" ... Ralph Waldo Emerson 🌸

"The individual has always had to struggle from being overwhelmed by the tribe... But, no price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself" ... Rudyard Kipling 🌸

Let go of the things that no longer serve you... Let go of the pretense of the false persona, it is not you... Let go of the armor that you have worn for a lifetime, to serve the expectations of others and, to protect the woman inside... She needs protection no longer.... She is tired of hiding and more courageous than you know... Let her prove that to you....Let her step out of the dark and feel the light upon her face.... amg🌸

Ashley's Corner: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,247549.0.html 🌻
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Northern Star Girl

#3
@Jessica_Rose 
Dear Jessica:
Thank you for sharing your story regarding your coming out journey....
....  I very much enjoyed what you shared.

Like most journeys in our life... it will continue on ...  and I am
eagerly looking forward to following your life endeavors as you share
them around the various Forum threads and on your Blog thread.

HUGS,
Danielle
[Northern Star Girl]
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             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
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Susannah

I am still firmly in the closet.  I have taken hrt for a few months but stopped because my body started to change.  I am still terrified to come out even though I came out to myself.
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Jessica_Rose

Quote from: Susannah on January 10, 2024, 09:28:16 PMI am still firmly in the closet.  I have taken hrt for a few months but stopped because my body started to change.  I am still terrified to come out even though I came out to myself.

It's OK, Susannah. It's the not knowing that is most frightening. Now that you know and have accepted this, you have an opportunity to discover ways to cope. Not everyone is in a position where they may safely transition. However, there are many things you can do which may provide relief. Some of these are from personal experience, others are suggestions I've seen from other members:

1 - Use nail polish on just one nail, even clear polish will do. Maybe even just your little toe.
2 - Wear clothes marketed towards women, even if it's just a pair of socks.
3 - Grow you hair just a little longer.
4 - Get one ear pierced. Both ears if you're daring.
5 - Try some makeup, even just a matte lipstick that matches your existing lip color.

There are many things you can do which are virtually invisible, but they may provide some relief from the constant struggle we deal with.

I initially considered transitioning over 20 years ago, but I was scared that I would lose everything. It wasn't until a few years after my anger and rage nearly cost me everything that I discovered my truth. At that point, I realized I was going to lose everything anyway, so I had nothing to lose by trying.

If you can find a way not to transition and still find happiness, that would probably be the best path for anyone. Transitioning is expensive -- financially, physically, and mentally. But for me, it was the only option I had which would result in my continued existence. Hang in there, Susannah. You're here, and that's half the battle.

Love always -- Jess
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot

Maid Marion

Hi Susannah,
You may find some relief in learning how to transition, so that when the time comes you will blend in the crowd and not stick out like a sore thumb because of widely inappropriate choices.
There is a lot to learn in presenting female.  It may give you some relief to study how to look good by selecting makeup and clothes that match your skin tone.  As well as learning fashions that complement your body shape.
Some of us start out by underdressing,which is wearing panties and/or bras under our regular clothes.  We may also wear female clothes to bed or in the privacy of our own homes.

ChrissyRyan

Fear can be scary.

No joke, it is hard to overcome until you seem to become more comfortable with your surroundings.  What that means or entails differs between individuals for sure.

There is much to be learned and this takes time and effort.
Progressively presenting more feminine can be the way to go.

What Jess says makes sense.

Chrissy
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.
Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Be brave, be strong.  Try a little kindness.  I am a brown eyed brunette. 
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ChrissyRyan

Be aware of the "male nod."  For those of us who are MTFs, it is a very hard mannerism to break from.

Chrissy
Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding. Accepting yourself as the woman you are is very liberating.
Never underestimate the appreciation and respect of authenticity.  Be brave, be strong.  Try a little kindness.  I am a brown eyed brunette. 
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Confused_Corgi

Quote from: Susannah on January 10, 2024, 09:28:16 PMI am still firmly in the closet.  I have taken hrt for a few months but stopped because my body started to change.  I am still terrified to come out even though I came out to myself.

Wow, this is EXACTLY me at present.  Apart from the 'come out to myself part'

Taking hrt in secret.  Was amazed that it actually made a difference to breasts which I was strangely excited about, but saw myself in the mirror and thought I have to stop, I will soon not be able to cover up and someone will notice.

🥺
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darksou

This story reminded me so much of the moments I had experienced before coming out. I was experiencing concerning suicidal thoughts before being open about being transgender. I remember it was so severe that I knew I has to either come out or just end my life.

Then... I thought... Well, even if I were to lose everything, I wasn't afraid of it anymore. Why keep hiding myself in fear? Best decision I ever made and I no longer experience these thoughts. I'm much happier now. My body feels mine each day testosterone gets in my system and makes me smile despite the pain of the needles.

My only regret is not doing so sooner, but I try to not feel guilty over it since the circumstances at the time made this decision so much harder to make. Not having a job makes you dependent on people who can and will try to stop you. I really don't miss my teens.
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