« on: July 01, 2019, 07:43:23 pm »
My company holds a yearly National Coming Out day event on or near 11 Oct. Last year I volunteered to tell my story live during the event, and it was an incredible experience. I asked if I could return to the event this year so I could tell more of my story, and it looks like I will be able to speak once again. I was asked to write a newsletter article to help build interest in the event, so I decided to provide details about what was almost the last few minutes of my life. The details are difficult for me to talk about, but I wanted others to know how dark your life can become when you have been forced to hide for so long. I hope no one ever reaches this point in their life.
Most of us have fears. We learn to live with them and work around them, but they still affect our lives. If you're afraid of heights, you may never experience the stunning views from the edge of a cliff. If you're claustrophobic, you may never experience the wonders deep inside a cave. If you're afraid of coming out, you may never experience the joy of simply being yourself.
Suppressing your true self can cause internal conflicts, for me it was anger. At the National Coming Out Day event last year I spoke about an incident that occurred before I came out. My family and I were in our car and I had become enraged over a trivial issue. There was a handgun in the glovebox. I told my wife to shoot me. I almost did it myself, but I was stopped by the terror in our daughters' faces.
The day after telling that story I visited my older daughter. Sitting in the hotel room after she left, I cried in anguish as vivid memories about that day in the car came flooding back. It wasn't my daughters' faces that stopped me. I had realized that ending my life in front of them would destroy their lives as well. I couldn't imagine how they could ever recover from it. Then I had the darkest thoughts anyone could ever have. There were four of us. My revolver held five rounds. Who goes first? What if I miss? I was only stopped by the possibility of not having enough ammo to complete the task.
That is how far into darkness someone can fall when they have hidden and suppressed their soul for decades. I was a heartbeat away from destroying my entire family, and no one would have ever known why. Decades of living in fear had kept me from understanding and accepting who I was, coming out, and becoming my true self.
George Addair once said, "Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear."
I now find joy in simply being myself. Family and friends comment about how much happier I am. Seeing people overcome their fears and become their true self is a heartwarming experience, and it gives hope to those still hiding in darkness. Please show your support and join us for the National Coming Out Day event in October, the life you save may be your own.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
