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Jenn's Journey, Part 2

Started by Jenn104, January 03, 2024, 04:31:48 PM

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Jenn104


Just starting a new blog, which I seriously considered naming "Jenn's Journey, deja vu all over again" or "Jenn's Journey, once is not enough". I do know that like vowels, once you get yourself an irrevently named blog, it is yours to keep. 

Off to hop on my bike trainer, do a few things.. and consider how I want to summarize 45 pages lost in the bit bucket of doom.

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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Jenn104


On further reflection, I am rather content to let my pervious blog disaapear into the ether. Better to look ahead than try to recreate the past.

I have big goals for 2024.

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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Northern Star Girl

@Jenn104
Dear Jenn:
It is your choice as to how you wish to handle your old blog and starting a new blog....
and choosing the Subject Title is all your decision as well.

I fondly recall when you had started your first Blog thread on the previous Forum and you
and I exchanged a few messages about what you wanted.

I am eagerly looking forward to whatever you will be sharing on your new Blog thread.
HUGS,
Danielle 
****Help support this website by:
Subscribing !     and/or by    Donating !

Check out my Personal Blog Threads below
to read more details about me and my life.

             (Click Links below):  [Oldest first]
  Aspiringperson is now Alaskan Danielle    
           I am the Hunted Prey : Danielle's Chronicles    
                  A New Chapter: Alaskan Danielle's Chronicles    
                             Danielle's Continuing Life Adventures
I started HRT March 2015 and
I've been Full-Time since December 2016.
I love living in a small town in Alaska
I am 44 years old and Single

        Email:  --->  alaskandanielle@
                             yahoo.com
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REM.1126

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Jenn104

Quote from: Northern Star Girl on January 03, 2024, 08:59:59 PM@Jenn104
Dear Jenn:
It is your choice as to how you wish to handle your old blog and starting a new blog....
and choosing the Subject Title is all your decision as well.

I fondly recall when you had started your first Blog thread on the previous Forum and you
and I exchanged a few messages about what you wanted.

I am eagerly looking forward to whatever you will be sharing on your new Blog thread.
HUGS,
Danielle 


Yeah. I remember my clueless days fondly.. which where followed closely by my 'wait.. therapy is amazing! I can tell someone about me' days..

like 5 lifetimes ago,  right?

keep your popcorn bowl full Danielle.

Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

  •  

Jenn104

"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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Jenn104

#6
So

Upon further reflection.. I am gonna spend a few posts recapping the blog that's gone missing, for no better reason than I owe it to myself. I think it's easiest to do in a few posts, in increments covering 6 ish months...


Jenn's Journey-- June 2021 to December 2021:
  Yes! I was a clueless newbie, in so many ways. I screwed up my courage and took the first of many leaps of faith. I posted. then exhaled. I maybe underrate that moment, or did at the time. It was my first real leap. Kinda cool it was here...

  Then, on to therapy. mmmm Yeah, can we skip this part? Its almost embarrassing thinking back to the "WOW! I get to talk about my dysphoria, with a sympathetic ear?" stage.

  and then my story takes an ugle twist. My wife snooped in some private notes, figured I am trans.. and things got very ugly. very very quickly and persistently. I tried my best to change the dynamic. I failed. If there's a silver lining its that I identify this as the first time I can remember I had something I cared about, or more properly, someone-- me. If I got it unfairly and meanly from my wife, my own strength started to form. Hard to say.

  and the year ended with me making an appointment to at least talk HRT with my future prescriber.

Tune in soon for 2022..

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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Jenn104

Marking magic post number 15 with 2022..


2022..  hmmm

it was the best of years. it was the worst of years.
it was the age of being lost. it was the age of finding myself.
it was the epoch of trying to save my marriage. it was the epoch my marriage failed.


and then my memory for Dicken's fails me.

sigh

2022

It was the year no amount of pleading would stop my wife's anger. she crossed lines that shouldn't be crossed. I've never posted those violations, a word I don't use lightly by the way. I don't intend to now. Every marriage has a breaking point. I can't say when mine failed, just it failed in 2022. (Full disclosure-- we are married. divorce is costly. we don't live together. nor speak on the phone).

I went for an HRT consult. I didn't tell her. I didn't then and don't now think I'd have been safe telling her. I nearly started HRT in March 2022. I decided the time wasn't right. I am glad I made that decision looking back.

I told the kids. One child in particular was badly botched. We're still recovering.

It was an ugly time of my life. I didn't sleep well. I had trouble focusing. I wasn't living. I was sleepwalking as much as I could through my day.

I decided the time was right to start HRT in October. October 4th to be exact. (yes! check the new user name-- Jenn104, I am carting it around, thank you.) 

HOLY STUFF. I've described the first week of E to friends as "WAIT! the world is in color? not black and white? whoooooooaaaaa. I stand by the assessment.

hmmm. it didn't change my home life. things got worse. we muddled thru the holidays of 2022.. and separated in late December.

but hey.. hang tight for more tomorrow. things got better in 2023..

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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imallie

Welcome back Jenn & Happy New Year!

The new pic is beautiful!

Love,
Allie
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Jenn104

Quote from: imallie on January 04, 2024, 08:52:48 PMWelcome back Jenn & Happy New Year!

The new pic is beautiful!

Love,
Allie

Thanks Allie! I'll post the non-headshot version at some point.

Happy New Year to you and yours too.

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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Jenn104

and..

2023, the next chapter of my blog recap.

Overall, 2023 was a remarkable year. It had its vicissitudes, to be sure (and if that is not an A+ crossword puzzle word, I don't know what would be), but the highs were worth all the lows. Which is way easier to figure out in hindsight.

Maybe that's worth repeating-- the highs are worth are the lows. I've had both. Everyone's transition unfolds in its own unique and beautiful way. The zen of my journey is being knocked, picking myself up, hitching up my big girl panties, and going to work, ultimately getting things done. I've got resilience I never knew I had, or at least very focused stubborn which is just as good.

anyway...

The family-- well 2023 was a pretty ugly year for me and my wife. We bottomed out in 2022. We're still at the bottom. It is what it is. Pardon but I'm a gonna skip details. Our children are all over the map. Oldest daughter is supportive. Youngest daughter is turning corners. Middle daughter remains angry. I understand all the kids reactions. I am working with each in ways that make sense to me and them. I am optomistic about 2024 with my kids.

Transition-- yeah. I went full time in May. Comically, I didn't figure it out until June. I was chatting my therapist about doing this, that, and the other.. and was like "hey! I think I've been full time for 3 weeks". Cool moment for me, it just happened. Mmm it took until July-ish but team endo got my E and T into female range. I did voice therapy, which came with a mighty struggle against my health care insurance. I think I started to get a handle on what I think of as the nuts and bolts of life-- what is my style? clothes? makeup? jewelry. There were mis-steps. I am proudly past 'clown' makeup, thank you. I've got a few clothes I thought I wanted and probably look ok in, they just aren't me.

Social Life-- I break this out because I believe transition in a vacuum is impossible. I put myself out there. It worked. Christmas Eve Day my oldest daughter and I invited everyone I'd met in the last year over. I made more good friends in a year than in previous twenty combined. Friends from volunteering, cycling, support groups, even one from here.. plus my electrolysis tech. I existed in a shell, super-shy, pre-transition. Ummmm gone.  Kind fun.

Social Life, susans edition-- I've met two of us offline. TxSara is even more lovely offline than online. Jamie H has wonderful taste in wine. Jamie and a cis couple I know drink a lot when she's in town. I hope to meet more of us in the future. Come hang out in the halloween capitol of the world.

Work-- umm yeah. I told my peers and the PRIDE DEI space on TDOV, the trans day of visibility in March. Its been a charmed life since. I get a lot of love at work. I'm co-lead of the trans pod in DEI land, I lead a peer group lunch, I rep PRIDE in new hire training. I've been tabbed as a recruiter-- I got to give a talk to a women's engineering society at a local college. Very cathartic moment realizing they see the authentic me. I did some very visible work in the company and have a few VPs that are personal friends. My gender diverse peers and I lunched with the CEO in December. He's a good guy and promised to come back. Remarkable stuff.

Transition, part 2-- somewhere along the line I decided part of the zen of my journey is taking leaps of faith. I figure out what's next, I hold my breath, I leap. Sometimes I fall flat. Sometimes it works. If I fall, I pick myself up and move on. I've cried a lot of tears to figure that out. No shame in doing so. If E has given me a new vulnerability, I embrace it and welcome it.

Healthcare-- I've cried a lotta tears. I've cried a river of 'em. I've perservered. I am better for it. I figured out last January there was absolutely no way to figure out anything about what my transgender related benefits are on my insurance's web portal. I fought a running battle, at times against my own company's benefits people. I educated myself on how to effect change. I quietly yet firmly talked to the right people in the correct government agency to listen and advise me. I got significant changes made in December.

More Healthcare-- I cried a whole lot more tears. I've had multiple prior auth's denied. I cried. I cried a little more. I got moving and am so far perfect on appeal. I am entitled to a personal rep; I went through six of them before finding a keeper. Funny how 3 of them came down with "health problems". If I am honest.. I think part of the tears were E kicking my butt.. who knows?


Transition, part 3-- My own transition has become a journey to come out the other side as a better, more whole person. Like I said, If I am more vulnerable, I embrace it. I don't need false bravado anymore. If I am more emotional, I am. I am way more resilient. I am fierce. I am cool AF and don't lack confidence either..


maybe that's a good place to stop. I've left stuff out and its a poor narrative but who care?

Happy 2024. I am marching ahead, to a beat all my own.

~Jenn

"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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Jenn104

2023 redux.

I probably should note, 2023 was the first year I...
 
   - Went out in public authentically
   - Told my peers at work
   - Told most of my lifelong friends
   - Got serious about my personal health. I lost 30ish pounds. maybe more. I am not uptight about it.
   - Told extended family-- cousins and such
   - shopped for myself, in person. the world did not come to an end, either
   - Got my first apartment since the 80s.
   - started yoga. got more serious about putting miles in on my bike
   - embraced being a 'flexatarian'. I eat mostly vegatarian, not completely. I am flexible with limits.
   - switched to the gender appropriate bathroom, thank you. which came with its own mental blocks
 
darn this blog recreation thing is hard..


~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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Jessica_Rose

Sounds like 2023 was a great year for you, Jenn! Just think of the possibilities 2024 may bring.

Love always -- Jess
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
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Jenn104

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on January 05, 2024, 08:57:05 AMSounds like 2023 was a great year for you, Jenn! Just think of the possibilities 2024 may bring.

Love always -- Jess

I have that post ruminating in my head, thank you. I have big goals.


~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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TXSara

Definitely!  You've gotta go with big goals.  If you don't quite meet them, you STILL did better than if you hadn't made the goal.

You're killin' it! ❤️

~Sara
My Latest Blog Thread:  Sara's Wild Ride (Part II)

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Jenn104

Quote from: TXSara on January 05, 2024, 11:31:08 AMDefinitely!  You've gotta go with big goals.  If you don't quite meet them, you STILL did better than if you hadn't made the goal.

You're killin' it! ❤️

~Sara

Right on Sis.

Aim High. Don't be afraid to not make all your goals. There is no fail, except sitting around waiting for something to happen.

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

  •  

Jenn104

New Math, in my own style:


Cold Outside  + Soft Flannel Sheets  + Freshly Shaved Legs  = Slice of Heaven

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

  •  

Jessica_Rose

Quote from: Jenn104 on January 06, 2024, 04:51:23 AMNew Math, in my own style:


Cold Outside  + Soft Flannel Sheets  + Freshly Shaved Legs  = Slice of Heaven

~Jenn

OMG, yes! It's amazing how everything feels when you don't have a blanket of hair covering your legs. Makes me want to actually practice math again...

Love always -- Jess
Journal thread - Jessica's Rose Garden
National Coming Out Day video - Coming Out
GCS - GCS and BA w/Dr. Ley
GCS II - GCS II and FFS w/Dr. Ley
FFS II - Jaw and chin surgery w/Dr. Ley
Hair - Hair Restoration
23Mar2017 - HRT / 16Feb2018 - Full Time! / 21Feb2019 - GCS / 26July2019 - GCS II / 13Oct2020 - FFS II
"It is never too late to be what you might have been." - George Eliot
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Jenn104

Hey!

I have had a mad-stupid-crazy start to the year. my reading and posting time is down according.

I am back in -erm- serious discussions about my health care coverage and prior auths with my insurance provider. I am hassled to the point of very experienced provider-side people (i.e. doctor's insurance liasons) are puzzled why I am treated like I am.

I have high goals. Mostly private. Sorry, not sorry, I figured out a while ago privacy works better for me. I'd rather post after the fact for most things. Leave it as some goals are transition related, some bettering who I am as a person, some giving back/volunteering, some just *there*. I have an invite to do the Gran Fondo NY  (its 85 miles racing on a bike, starting on the GW bridge in NYC) with a friend.. its on the maybe list. I think I am in, kinda. sorta. maybe.

I can renew my lease. Its a funky old house with slanty floors, drafty windows, old lady switch covers.. but its my space and I can stay.

I am working through issues with wife and kids. stay tuned.

I ran into a provider a few days back. I told her "this transition thing.. you need three things-- resilience. a little more resilience. even more resilience. oh and umm more resilience". she chuckled. I am feeling its tough but doable. stay tuned.

Looking forward to better, more complete updates soon. as for now, I need to hop on my bike trainer. Friday sweet spot training time.

~Jenn
"I want to be remembered as a woman ... who dared to be a catalyst of change."
                 - Shirley Chisolm

"We need to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections."
                  - Marsha P. Johnson

"Why not question everything?"
                  - Lynn Conway

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REM.1126

Good luck.  It's not like you really need it, but it feels good to hear it anyway.  (Paraphrasing Chuck Prophet)
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