and..
2023, the next chapter of my blog recap.
Overall, 2023 was a remarkable year. It had its vicissitudes, to be sure (and if that is not an A+ crossword puzzle word, I don't know what would be), but the highs were worth all the lows. Which is way easier to figure out in hindsight.
Maybe that's worth repeating-- the highs are worth are the lows. I've had both. Everyone's transition unfolds in its own unique and beautiful way. The zen of my journey is being knocked, picking myself up, hitching up my big girl panties, and going to work, ultimately getting things done. I've got resilience I never knew I had, or at least very focused stubborn which is just as good.
anyway...
The family-- well 2023 was a pretty ugly year for me and my wife. We bottomed out in 2022. We're still at the bottom. It is what it is. Pardon but I'm a gonna skip details. Our children are all over the map. Oldest daughter is supportive. Youngest daughter is turning corners. Middle daughter remains angry. I understand all the kids reactions. I am working with each in ways that make sense to me and them. I am optomistic about 2024 with my kids.
Transition-- yeah. I went full time in May. Comically, I didn't figure it out until June. I was chatting my therapist about doing this, that, and the other.. and was like "hey! I think I've been full time for 3 weeks". Cool moment for me, it just happened. Mmm it took until July-ish but team endo got my E and T into female range. I did voice therapy, which came with a mighty struggle against my health care insurance. I think I started to get a handle on what I think of as the nuts and bolts of life-- what is my style? clothes? makeup? jewelry. There were mis-steps. I am proudly past 'clown' makeup, thank you. I've got a few clothes I thought I wanted and probably look ok in, they just aren't me.
Social Life-- I break this out because I believe transition in a vacuum is impossible. I put myself out there. It worked. Christmas Eve Day my oldest daughter and I invited everyone I'd met in the last year over. I made more good friends in a year than in previous twenty combined. Friends from volunteering, cycling, support groups, even one from here.. plus my electrolysis tech. I existed in a shell, super-shy, pre-transition. Ummmm gone. Kind fun.
Social Life, susans edition-- I've met two of us offline. TxSara is even more lovely offline than online. Jamie H has wonderful taste in wine. Jamie and a cis couple I know drink a lot when she's in town. I hope to meet more of us in the future. Come hang out in the halloween capitol of the world.
Work-- umm yeah. I told my peers and the PRIDE DEI space on TDOV, the trans day of visibility in March. Its been a charmed life since. I get a lot of love at work. I'm co-lead of the trans pod in DEI land, I lead a peer group lunch, I rep PRIDE in new hire training. I've been tabbed as a recruiter-- I got to give a talk to a women's engineering society at a local college. Very cathartic moment realizing they see the authentic me. I did some very visible work in the company and have a few VPs that are personal friends. My gender diverse peers and I lunched with the CEO in December. He's a good guy and promised to come back. Remarkable stuff.
Transition, part 2-- somewhere along the line I decided part of the zen of my journey is taking leaps of faith. I figure out what's next, I hold my breath, I leap. Sometimes I fall flat. Sometimes it works. If I fall, I pick myself up and move on. I've cried a lot of tears to figure that out. No shame in doing so. If E has given me a new vulnerability, I embrace it and welcome it.
Healthcare-- I've cried a lotta tears. I've cried a river of 'em. I've perservered. I am better for it. I figured out last January there was absolutely no way to figure out anything about what my transgender related benefits are on my insurance's web portal. I fought a running battle, at times against my own company's benefits people. I educated myself on how to effect change. I quietly yet firmly talked to the right people in the correct government agency to listen and advise me. I got significant changes made in December.
More Healthcare-- I cried a whole lot more tears. I've had multiple prior auth's denied. I cried. I cried a little more. I got moving and am so far perfect on appeal. I am entitled to a personal rep; I went through six of them before finding a keeper. Funny how 3 of them came down with "health problems". If I am honest.. I think part of the tears were E kicking my butt.. who knows?
Transition, part 3-- My own transition has become a journey to come out the other side as a better, more whole person. Like I said, If I am more vulnerable, I embrace it. I don't need false bravado anymore. If I am more emotional, I am. I am way more resilient. I am fierce. I am cool AF and don't lack confidence either..
maybe that's a good place to stop. I've left stuff out and its a poor narrative but who care?
Happy 2024. I am marching ahead, to a beat all my own.
~Jenn
