Love, before and after

[Jessica_Rose]

For those who have transitioned, how did it affect your intimate personal relationships? Please keep your responses clean.

I am one of those who was lucky to have a spouse who decided to stay. I have asked her why she stayed with me after decades of being witness to my anger and rage. She always responds 'because I love you.' At my company's National Coming Out Day event in 2020, my wife and I gave an update which included this:

The journey was difficult, but I was never alone. I wouldn't be here if not for one special person. Somehow, she found the strength to stay, through decades of anger and rage. But true love knows no bounds. For over 36 years she has stood by my side -- for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. I am lucky to have this beautiful, loving person in my life, my best friend, my wife -- Susan.

In many respects, I am not the person I used to be. Obviously, my physical attributes are now quite different, but my emotions and interactions with others have also changed dramatically. As far as my relationship with my wife, we are now more like partners, except she gets the deciding vote! In many ways our relationship has tremendously improved. Unfortunately, intimacy has suffered. It isn't her fault, at this stage I no longer find most women sexually attractive. I don't know if it's the total lack of testosterone, or if my sexuality has shifted.

When I began my journey, a friend asked my wife 'does that mean Jessica likes men?' My response was along the lines of  'I was a male for over 50 years and didn't like it. Why would I want to date one?' In the past I was never attracted to males. Now, my outlook is somewhat different. Just because I was an ass doesn't mean all men are. I have seen a few guys who I do find attractive, and one day I may decide it's time to experience what I took away from my wife. However, before that can happen, I need to discuss it with her. One thing that hasn't changed is my loyalty. Susan has stayed at my side through so much, she deserves the same from me. Our relationship has changed, but that doesn't mean our love for each has waned.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[traciknight]

Most of my life as a male I considered myself relatively straight, but after two years on hormones, I started finding men more attractive, and though I don't think I'll be the prettiest gal around, I do hope to find a ,an to further my transition experience.

[tgirlamg]

Hey All,

I was one of the ones who flipped the script... hetero male to hetero female... I had never seen myself as homosexual in my male life... I never had a desire to be with a man... as a man but... my thoughts of being a woman were accompanied with thoughts of being with a man...

Early in my transition I decided that as I moved forward boldly into my new life, I would move boldly into this area as well. After a lifetime of relationships with women, I started going out with men and took to it like a duck to water. What I had always viewed as my healthy attraction to women just did the slow fade... replaced with perhaps a bit of envy and the sense that the greatest loves in my life had been the women I had most wanted to be in a part of myself that wasn't apparent to me at the time... we can hide so much from ourselves until we are ready to deal with what is there and what it all means!

I was blessed to find the greatest man in the world in the middle of this new whirlwind my life had become and later this year will mark our 8th wedding anniversary...

I guess the lesson in all this is that transition is indeed transformative in all aspects of our life... be open to, and anxious to discover all the new possibilities that become yours to explore in your life... Live it all... Love it all

Onward We Go Brave Sisters!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

[EllenW]

Before and during my transition, to be very honest, I was turned off by the thought of being with a man. After my wife died, I signed up on dating sites looking to date women. Slowly after my GCS I started looking at men differently. I changed my profile stating I was interested in meeting men. Although I am currently dating a great guy, I am still not sure if I am more attracted physically to men or women. Only time will tell.

Ellen

[big kim]

I was more attracted to women prior to transition. I had the odd fling with men & women but no long term relationships apart from falling madly in love with a violent alcoholic shoplifter with a drugs problem. I spent 3 years as her punchbag before we split & I started transition.
It took me 5 & 1/2 years after bottom surgery to try it out & it all worked great! Had mutiple flings with men & women since but when I hit 60 I just lost interest. Sometimes think I missed out having never married or had a long term partner though.

[LauraE]

During my entire pre-transition life, I was only attracted to women. Now, mid-transition (closer to the end than to the beginning), that's still the case.

however, being an older (ok, more mature) woman, I knew the price of admission was that I'd never be in another relationship. Three years into living full time, despite being on seven dating sites, I can't even get a first date with a woman.

At least I have cats who love me.

Laura

[Gaby_Doll]

For me, there was never really a before. Like, I came out as a gay man in college and had the desire to date men but couldn't bring myself to even approach anyone. That might've had something to do with social anxiety, but there's also a part of it that is hard to explain. I just couldn't see myself dating anyone of any sex as a man. I was also overplaying the part of the overtly flamboyant feminine gay boy in social interactions in a way that wasn't true to the honestly kind of quiet person I am. When I finally did start to transition, I quickly started a relationship with another trans woman which lasted for six years. I think it just seemed easier than trying to find a man who would be interested in a very early transition girl and having to explain so much stuff that I was still figuring out.

For me, I guess it's mildly interesting seeing how what I was looking for in a relationship has changed over the course of transition and as I became more secure in my sense of self. I am very heterosexual and have built up the patience and confidence to be able to deal with clueless straight guys and I am definitely in pursuit of marriage and kids and all that in the long term, which are things that I never thought I could have or that I deserved a decade ago. I'm currently single but moderately optimistic about the future. I live in a good-sized metropolitan area and I know just from existing and working a job where I interact with the public that there are plenty of people who are at least curious about getting with someone like me. I honestly feel like my poverty is a bigger barrier to finding someone than my being trans at this point.

[Jessica_K]

Very good question, I have not been lucky with my transition concerning my wife, she knew I was a trans woman but as my transition progressed the more anti she has become. We no longer have any love and I am beginning to be staying with her out of obligation rather than any feelings.

I have also changed my view about men. I was never a gay man before I transitioned and seemed natural that I still loved women making me a lesbian. Now I think I am straight again. I find men more attractive than women and any new love I think will be in that direction.

I don't expect it will happen as I would not even contemplate it until I was a whole woman with a SRS. Then I am in my seventies and not so sure a toy boy would fancy me lol

Hug
Jessica xxx

[Susan]

Jessica Rose,

Your narrative provides a candid look into the complexities of navigating intimate relationships through a transition. It's an important discussion, shedding light on the reality that while some aspects of a relationship may strengthen, others, like intimacy, can face challenges. Your journey with Susan underscores a shared experience among many who transition, where the dynamics of love and attraction evolve over time.

Transitioning can significantly impact relationships, particularly in terms of emotional connections and sexual orientation. As you've noted, the shifts in your feelings and attractions have introduced new considerations into your partnership. This is a common experience, reflecting the fluid nature of sexuality and the impact of hormonal changes on desire.

The decrease in intimacy you've described is a reality for some couples post-transition. It's crucial to recognize that these changes are not indicative of a decrease in love or commitment but are part of the evolving nature of a relationship. It's about navigating new terrains together, finding ways to maintain closeness and understanding, even as certain dynamics shift.

Your approach to potential changes in your attractions—considering new experiences while ensuring open and honest communication with Susan—highlights the importance of loyalty and dialogue. These are foundational elements in any relationship, especially when faced with significant changes. It's about respecting the journey you've shared while acknowledging the individual paths you're navigating.

The loyalty and commitment you both exhibit, despite the evolving nature of your relationship, speak to a deep, enduring bond. This aspect of your story is critical for others in similar situations, emphasizing that love's essence can withstand change, so long as there's mutual respect and open communication.

Your experience serves as a reflective mirror for many facing similar challenges, offering perspectives on loyalty, change, and the complex dance of relationships through transition.

[Nadine Spirit]

My wife and I have stayed together through my transition.

We initially began seeing each other when we were 15. We're now 52. So it's been awhile. We have been quite sexually active throughout our relationship. Early on I thought that the more sex I had the better, that it would help me to get rid of the gender dysphoria. Sadly I didn't really recognize how it was terribly aggravating to my GD instead of alleviating. 

Anywho, we have continued to be sexually active with each other throughout my transition. Prior to my full bottom surgery I tried to continue doing things the way I always had, but eventually, after vast amounts of therapy, it really became too traumatic to continue that way. We still tried to remain sexually connected in various other ways to keep the closeness and intimacy.

After my GCS we had sex several times but things were a bit uncomfortable for me so it was a bit awkward. Hence, part of the reason for recently having a revision surgery. I have yet to receive clearance for sex but I'm excited to try! Things are much better by myself so I'm anticipating that things together are going to be fun to figure out!

Oh and I am still very much attracted to women, but surprising to me I'm open to sex with men, though that that has not yet happened and most likely wont ever, but I still don't find them very attractive. So sex yes, but no to bringing them home for anything more than a fling.

Was that clean enough? Hmm..... I guess we'll see.

[ChrissyRyan]

This is a bit off topic but...

There is something about someone giving you a prolonged look that is interesting.  When it is plain staring in an uncomfortable way this can be somewhat bothersome.  But there are times when what you believe you are receiving an admiring glance, that is a bit satisfying. It is nice at these times to have this attention.  It depends on who gave it I suppose. 

Was it my clothes, my hair, my movements, my face?  Who knows.  I have a sweetie so I am not looking for anyone, she is really nice.  But sometimes a stranger notices you too for some reason.

Chrissy

[Faith]

My therapist, after having spoken to both of us although predominantly me, had this to say:

I've never seen two people more in tune with each other regarding thoughts and feelings, shared thoughts, shared pain (emotional and physical). It's like the closest of close bonds that are usually attributed to identical twins.

physical intimacy? no, that's gone (we both prefer men). Everything else, yes! Love didn't diminish, it got stronger. It's simply different now.  We're coming up on 44 years of togetherness this year. While that may change should a man worthy of it enter the picture it is not a forgone conclusion nor is it anything being strived for. It's more, we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

[pretty pauline]

Hey All,

I was one of the ones who flipped the script... hetero male to hetero female... I had never seen myself as homosexual in my male life... I never had a desire to be with a man... as a man but... my thoughts of being a woman were accompanied with thoughts of being with a man...

Early in my transition I decided that as I moved forward boldly into my new life, I would move boldly into this area as well. After a lifetime of relationships with women, I started going out with men and took to it like a duck to water. What I had always viewed as my healthy attraction to women just did the slow fade... replaced with perhaps a bit of envy and the sense that the greatest loves in my life had been the women I had most wanted to be in a part of myself that wasn't apparent to me at the time... we can hide so much from ourselves until we are ready to deal with what is there and what it all means!

I was blessed to find the greatest man in the world in the middle of this new whirlwind my life had become and later this year will mark our 8th wedding anniversary...

I guess the lesson in all this is that transition is indeed transformative in all aspects of our life... be open to, and anxious to discover all the new possibilities that become yours to explore in your life... Live it all... Love it all

Onward We Go Brave Sisters!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

You've explained it so well Ashley, I dated women before transition and with 3 brothers, my next brother and I would go to night clubs when we were young and date girls,the happiest day of my life when I became a girl myself, my 3 brothers are now married with families, my 2 older brothers accepted my transition but my next brother found it difficult but eventually did, he couldn't understand after years dating women I was now dating men and was shocked when my boyfriend proposed to me, in all the years the biggest surprise to me and my brothers was that I ended up getting married to a man, we are lucky Ashley that we are married to men that accepts us for the women we now are.

[LoriDee]

This.

All my male life I played the hetero role. I've explained all that before. But I was not a happy person. During my first year of hormones, my doctors (psych and medical) described me as "asexual trans feminine". Now, after four years on hormones, I do think about being with a man. I don't date or socialize much, but I think about it. I met a man online and we talked about everything. I admitted I was trans and he said he was "against it". But we stay in touch and text every day. Then he admitted he is still married and getting a divorce this year. We will see. I have my doubts and would like to meet him in person, but I am being very cautious. I protect my heart as much as I protect my body.

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

In previous posts I mentioned that I have always been heterosexual, in the case before I changed, I liked girls very much and yes I went out on dates with them and the possibility of going further did occur on several occasions.

However, something inside me and my nature prevented me and there were several reasons as to why I did not go any further, being puzzled was one reason why I did not pursue these romantic episodes further was to say the least.

In my life, while I dated girls I had a very close friend and we spent a lot of time together, he was younger than me and we belonged to the same swimming club, trained together, went fishing, scuba diving, saw the odd movie, camped overnight at swimming spots, before going on to a swim meet the next day and stayed over night in each others houses, I was very comfortable around him as I learned later.

In the end my friend got a girl friend who also spent time with us, because she belonged to the same swimming club, trained and spent time with us.  I found out I was not a happy camper about this situation.  In the end I realized that I had feelings for this young man and eventually these feelings for him formed one part of my conundrums.  I wrote about these conundrums in 'My Epiphany'.  I also realized that I could not love him like other women could.  Yes, it broke my heart.

Fast forward to after my surgery and about a year later, I finally got the love of my life, we meet through an online dating forum, he new about my condition and he said it was not a problem, he was younger than me, I suppose I must be a cradle snatcher.  As I have mentioned before, I was not going to get involved with guys until after my surgery, so that was not a problem for me.

Long story short we meet and we spent hours talking, well me actually and at one stage he said "you talk too much Sarah" and proceeded to kiss me,  like I had never been kissed before, after that it was on for young and old and I spent the next 7 years with him.  I loved him with my heart and soul, but circumstances eventuated that we drifted apart.

I was studying at university, the company he worked for shutdown and he got another job in another town far away from where I lived, the long distance relationship did not work out and one night he rang me and said this was not working and we should break up.

I had everything I ever wanted at the time, it literally broke my heart in pieces and to this day it still hurts.  I found out later he had a partner and she rang and said, to me, "that he wanted to marry me".  If pouring salt on to an old wound was painful, that comment was worse than hell.

I did eventually date again, but this time around, I had several boy friends and one lasted two years, they did not know about my condition.  However, something was missing and that was I did not love them as much as I did with my first love.  As they say there is nothing like your first love.

I have loved before and I have loved after and I will find someone to love again.

Love and Hugs for Me I Need It
Sarah B
PS I'm going to the markets to cheer up.

[Paulie]

I have loved before and I have loved after and I will find someone to love again.

Love and Hugs for Me I Need It
Sarah B

Love and Hugs to you Sarah.
Paulie

[Sarah B]

Hi Paulie

How sweet of you to post such a lovely response and in the color of my sign off signature no less.  Definitely a tribute and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love and Hugs for you as well
Sarah B
@Paulie