Onward
I managed to scavenge a few entries from Google's cache of the "old" blog, but there's so much missing, I'm not sure there's any point. Let's just put it this way:
I came out to myself recently (11/2021) and didn't waste any time starting HRT. I'm still (as of this entry) presenting male and I'm not afforded the opportunity to dress feminine. I'm not even sure what I want - my previous blog was full of my complaining about all of this, and struggling through doubt and pain. I guess I'm still struggling, but I'm transitioning despite myself. Two years of estradiol will do that to a person.
Major hurdles for me:
1. Friends/people I know, almost all of which are very middle-aged.
2. My receded hairline
3. I'm tall
4. My nose is pretty big
5. I just really afraid of being: ugly, laughed at, unwanted, etc.
Some of that sounds like things a cis woman might complain about.
Also, I do often worry that I won't like it, that I'll find out that I don't really want to present as a woman. This might end up being true. On the other hand, it could be that because I've repressed this desire over so many years, while seeking fulfillment privately, I'm come to associate my transness with my sexual needs - I've fetishized it. I'm 100% sure that this is very common, that we end up thinking we're just weirdos, and society has done little to assuage those feelings.
But:
1. I've changed my body through HRT and I'm feeling a sense of body positivity and well-being about my physical self that is unlike anything I'd ever dreamed of
2. I have hair replacement surgery scheduled a week from now
3. After removing most of my dark facial hair through the use of a handheld IPL device, I've started seeing an electrologist
4. I've built a support network, from the peeps here, to a Discord group, to my therapist, a trans man, who I've been seeing for about 18 months.
5. That profile pic was created using my face, with some hair, light makeup, a tiny change to my chin, ever-so-slightly larger eyes and nothing else. I could really look like her.
6. Super exciting "mystery news", which I'll share in my next post
It's all very scary and hard, but here I am - I'm doing it. As I probably mentioned in my previous blog, I started transitioning because I wasn't able to continue to *not* transition. I guess that will have to be enough.