Courtney's life begins here, redux

[Courtney G]

Hello, everyone.

After a bit of a scary start following the loss of all of my content since I joined her 2 years ago, I'm off and running with a new blog. My first blog heavily chronicled my fears and doubts, and explained how I simply couldn't continue without doing anything about my ongoing feeling that my body was wrong...

Fast forward to now. I've been on HRT for two years. Changes have occurred. Instead of a place to vent my fears and search for my identity, Susan's has become a place where I share my story with friends and support them, as well as others who might wander in here.

Many thanks to the friends here who have supported me so far.

[REM.1126]

Happy 2 year anniversary.

I agree with everything you said. 

I guess being 61, we are fairly close in age and have similar experiences.

[Courtney G]

Thanks, Rachel.

I was able to grab a few of the posts from the original version of this thread from Google's cache, so I'll look through them and post them here if I find them to be of value.

In other news, I seem to get the stupid newbie verification thing wrong the first time, pretty much EVERY TIME.

[Gina P]

I really like your new avatar pic Courtney. Very beautiful.
Gina

[Courtney G]

I really like your new avatar pic Courtney. Very beautiful.
Gina

Thanks, hon. For those reading along, it's a FaceApp rendering of me, but it's stunningly similar to the way I currently look.

[Oldandcreaky]

Hey, Miss Courtney. You led this blog with some illuminating comments. Have you talked to some young trans-folk and had them tell you what you wrote?

[Courtney G]

Hey, Miss Courtney. You led this blog with some illuminating comments. Have you talked to some young trans-folk and had them tell you what you wrote?

Hi, O&C. If you mean to ask if my comments above were informed by conversations with younger folk, then yes, indeed. Oh, and by "younger", I mean people in their late 20s, 30s and 40s! They had a lot to say, and it was pretty discouraging. I defended Susan's, but I was kind of in the lion's den, and I couldn't effectively dispute all of their points, because they weren't all wrong. I just told them that it's a great format and there are great people here. From my perspective, that "it takes every kinda people" perspective only goes so far when you're young and idealistic. The same could be said for many older folx, though...

I might be completely wrong, but the fact that there are thousands of active users in that space, with hundreds online at any given time is, to me, a sign that they either prefer that (stream) format and/or they don't want to be here.

The whole thing is a major shame because it's pretty near impossible to stay on one thread/topic for very long, as it gets buried in the stream of comments - more like a chat room than a forum. And going back to refer to informational posts is impractical

Susan's provides anonymity, a treasure trove of reference materials from folx with widely varying experiences, and the ability to curate and develop a conversation to a productive conclusion. Can't do all that anywhere else, in my opinion. That's why I've donated (a small amount) to the site several times, continue to donate, and hope it stays around.

Anyway, I'm sorry it was so harsh. I was in a pretty dark place and I was feeling angry and down. But I'm a lifetime fixer of things and I make my living my carefully working online spaces for maximum engagement, and it would be a mistake to stick our heads in the sand over this. As I mentioned, I feel that we need some of those people to join our ranks. Taking care to avoid being overly restrictive regarding content was a great start.

[imallie]

Hey Courtney - You're certainly correct that any place needs new blood, and your heart is in the right place trying to let younger transfolk know the value of the Susan's community.

But as the saying goes - "You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to float on its back, THEN you've really got something!"

Come to think of it, I might have that saying slightly wrong...  

[Courtney G]

Hey Courtney - You're certainly correct that any place needs new blood, and your heart is in the right place trying to let younger transfolk know the value of the Susan's community.

But as the saying goes - "You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get it to float on its back, THEN you've really got something!"

Come to think of it, I might have that saying slightly wrong...  

Lol. Words of wisom, Allie. I think. Lol.

[Courtney G]

Onward

I managed to scavenge a few entries from Google's cache of the "old" blog, but there's so much missing, I'm not sure there's any point. Let's just put it this way:

I came out to myself recently (11/2021) and didn't waste any time starting HRT. I'm still (as of this entry) presenting male and I'm not afforded the opportunity to dress feminine. I'm not even sure what I want - my previous blog was full of my complaining about all of this, and struggling through doubt and pain. I guess I'm still struggling, but I'm transitioning despite myself. Two years of estradiol will do that to a person.

Major hurdles for me:
1. Friends/people I know, almost all of which are very middle-aged.
2. My receded hairline
3. I'm tall
4. My nose is pretty big
5. I just really afraid of being: ugly, laughed at, unwanted, etc.

Some of that sounds like things a cis woman might complain about.

Also, I do often worry that I won't like it, that I'll find out that I don't really want to present as a woman. This might end up being true. On the other hand, it could be that because I've repressed this desire over so many years, while seeking fulfillment privately, I'm come to associate my transness with my sexual needs - I've fetishized it. I'm 100% sure that this is very common, that we end up thinking we're just weirdos, and society has done little to assuage those feelings.

But:

1. I've changed my body through HRT and I'm feeling a sense of body positivity and well-being about my physical self that is unlike anything I'd ever dreamed of
2. I have hair replacement surgery scheduled a week from now
3. After removing most of my dark facial hair through the use of a handheld IPL device, I've started seeing an electrologist
4. I've built a support network, from the peeps here, to a Discord group, to my therapist, a trans man, who I've been seeing for about 18 months.
5. That profile pic was created using my face, with some hair, light makeup, a tiny change to my chin, ever-so-slightly larger eyes and nothing else. I could really look like her.
6. Super exciting "mystery news", which I'll share in my next post

It's all very scary and hard, but here I am - I'm doing it. As I probably mentioned in my previous blog, I started transitioning because I wasn't able to continue to *not* transition. I guess that will have to be enough.

[Susannah]

Nice to see you here again, @Courtney G.  I enjoyed interacting with you since before you started your transition.  One day I will join you.

[Courtney G]

Nice to see you here again, @Courtney G.  I enjoyed interacting with you since before you started your transition.  One day I will join you.

Same, Susannah. I hope when this is finished and we've both gotten to where we want to be, we're able to meet up and have an in-person conversation.

[Oldandcreaky]

I've started seeing an electrologist

I think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

[Courtney G]

I think you'll find that losing your facial hair will be a huge gender marker for you.

I agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

[Jessica_Rose]

I agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Even after years of electrolysis, I still have an occasional dark hair under my chin. Those things are like cockroaches, I think they can survive just about anything.

If finasteride, minoxidil, and biotin don't provide enough relief, a scalp advance (I had one) or other hair restoration procedure may be able to help. I also know several ladies who wear wigs.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Oldandcreaky]

I agree 100%. Honestly, I just can't get past two things:
Facial hair
Receding hairline

I feel as though I could get past my other "issues" but I just can't see a woman here with those issues staring me in the face.

And gods, those chin whiskers are gosh-darn stubborn!

Keep plugging, Courtney.

[Courtney G]

Even after years of electrolysis, I still have an occasional dark hair under my chin. Those things are like cockroaches, I think they can survive just about anything.

If finasteride, minoxidil, and biotin don't provide enough relief, a scalp advance (I had one) or other hair restoration procedure may be able to help. I also know several ladies who wear wigs.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thank you.
You probably didn't notice, but I have hair replacement surgery scheduled for later this week! 3000 grafts from the back of my head, to be placed in the front to bring my hairline down. I didn't think it was possible - didn't think I could get acceptable results, but the hair restoration place told me I'm a great candidate. My donor area (back of my head) has very dense hair, my hairs are thick, and I'm naturally curly, all of which bode well for a good outcome. Luckily, my crown isn't too badly thinned, so longer hair might cover it - or I'll go back for another procedure in the future.

This comes after many, many years on topical minoxidil, 4 years of oral finasteride, plus biotin supplements, microneedling and of course, estradiol. I still thinned, despite 30 years of minoxidil, but I'm pretty certain my loss would have been significantly greater if I hadn't used it.

I'll update this thread with some progress pics, and some photos as the hair begins to grow. For those who are reading along and have been thinking about hair restoration: do shop around. The place I'm going to is $7,000 cheaper than the place down the road from it. The more expensive place has a board-certified plastic surgeon's name on the masthead, whereas this place does not, yet the online reviews are stellar. And you might think, as I did, that it can't be done, but a consultation might be worth it.

Here are some "before" pics. I asked them to create an inverted "U" shape, as opposed to the "M" favored for male hairlines. I also had them add a very small point near the center, as many women have that and I think it adds more of a natural look.

[Jessica_Rose]

Awesome! I thought you had mentioned that, but my short-term memory is terrible. I hope the results exceed your expectations.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Courtney G]

Awesome! I thought you had mentioned that, but my short-term memory is terrible. I hope the results exceed your expectations.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

It's understandable! I'd imagine moderating a forum like this one is very time-consuming, and that you can't absorb every bit of what everyone is saying.

I usually don't post this often, but I had a conversation today with my best friend that was eye-opening:

She (bestie and I) were talking about clothing and positivity and she advised me to be careful not to be too boastful about my body around my partner. I've said before that having something I finally like about myself (my body) is blowing my mind. I've never, ever been a show-off because I've never felt "enough", let alone good enough to feel pride. But I'm very middle-aged (almost senior-aged!) and my body is looking pretty good. Bestie pointed out that women her age are often feeling down about the body they once had, or the body they always wanted, and the joy I'm feeling over my blossoming body could trigger frustration or jealousy in others.

It never occurred to me that someone might be jealous of me, of all things. And it's not the reaction I want to evoke from others. I just want validation and acceptance.

Anyway, I feel it could explain a lot about coming out to partners who've experienced pregnancies and general aging and aren't always going to be as excited about our bodies as we are. Perhaps it partially explains the reactions of some cis women. Some could feel that we haven't suffered the marginalization they have, gone through the difficulties of childbirth, etc. - that we're "cheating the system" by pumping ourselves full of hormones and declaring "I'm a woman." (we know it's not that simple). I'm not making excuses for bad behavior from anyone, just trying to understand why some might react the way they do.

[Maid Marion]

Yes, that was an issue before my partner passed, as she was a size 22 and I was a size 4.
Not only that, I could pass for a woman in my 20s.  Ten  years later, my CIS friends have said that if I wanted to, I could dye my hair and pass for a woman in her 20s! I went to a summer pot luck party wearing a fitted tee shirt and shorts as if I just got back from the beach! 

I realized later that the CIS woman like to show off the nice clothes and jewelry they own at these parties as there are few opportunities these days to wear them. When in Rome dress like the Romans! Last time I went I wore a boldly colorful Lily Pulitzer skirt.  One lady confided that she likes to wear them too but she needs to lose some weight to fit in hers.