Hi everyone --
I haven't been posting over the past few months, and the main reason for that is I have felt like things have been going well for me. I don't like being "too" positive on the site because (a) it's not that interesting, and (b) I don't want to be one of those "Facebook trigger" people. You know the ones I'm talking about. They're insufferable.
Anyway, I think I'm going to start posting again because I am now going through a rough patch, and this may be helpful to others. I am dealing with "anxious attachment" issues that are tied to my transition and how that affects my romantic relationships.
The backstory:
You all know about how I have made finding "my person" a top priority over the past year. I have been going through prospective partners like crazy. My friends used to like to ask me if I wanted to bring "guy du jour" to any parties / events that we went to. Nobody knew names, but they knew I always had SOMEONE on the line. Nothing ever stuck, and I really got tired of dealing with men. I was always feeling like I was being treated as "damaged goods" or a "piece of meat" because I was trans.
I eventually got to the point where I realized that I'm MUCH more interested in women than men. I also found a handful of women to date. One person in particular was absolutely amazing. She and I hit it off immediately through messages on the HER app, and we met in person soon after.
Here are a few things that I really like about this person: She is a beautiful 49-year-old bisexual woman (my age) who lives 15 minutes away, is well-educated, witty, and completely OK with me being transgender (with or without my extra appendage). She's also a genuinely good and honest person who raised two daughters on her own. I admire the heck out of her. We quickly progressed to the point of being in a committed relationship. I finally had found my person, and I was on cloud nine.
Here's where the <poo> hit the fan, though, folks. I have never fully gotten over my "nobody will ever want me" transgender self-loathing. I felt as though I didn't deserve her. I would subconsciously overcompensate by trying too hard (and we all know how I'm a complete "try hard" person anyway LOL). I would then feel like she was not that interested because she wasn't putting in as much effort as I was. To add to that, I'm still a bit unsure about what the future holds for me sexually. What am I going to like? What turns me on anymore? How do I express sexual love now and in the future? I'm re-learning everything, and that causes me a lot of anxiety. I worry a LOT that I won't be able to perform or satisfy my partner.
This all came to a head a few weeks ago when my GF had a 3-day migraine and wasn't very responsive during that time. This was also at the end of a week where I had been struggling mentally with my upcoming GRS (long story for another time), and I really needed support. I stayed up all night one night convincing myself that she wasn't that into me, and I acted out by letting her know that "my needs weren't being met" and that I "needed to be selfish for once and look out for myself". Oof. She responded by kicking me to the curb. Can anyone say "self-destructive"?
We met up a few days later, and I was able to patch things up by explaining the entire series of events that led to this. I felt like we were going to be OK. The truth, though, is that she never really got over it, and I never really changed my behavior. We split up for good a few days ago.
I'm heartbroken and devastated. I had something special and blew it because I didn't feel like I was good enough. Here's the thing, though. I have recently realized that as irreplaceable as she was for me, I was much the same for her. She has some medical issues that cause her to have a pretty small dating pool. She can also be a bit difficult at times, and my personality type is one that handles her temper quite a bit better than most others. She needs someone that is extremely supportive and easy-going, and I fit that bill perfectly. If I weren't so danged anxious, I may have realized this a lot sooner. She's going to be difficult for me to replace, but I'll be difficult for her to replace too.
I'm starting this new blog post because my original was lost in the "New Years Crash of 2023". Truthfully, though, this problem is a completely new one. The original story was more about my journey through transition, and this one will be more about me trying to be my best self. I plan on embarking on a journey of self-healing, and I'll give updates on how things are going in this thread. I'm hoping that maybe this will be helpful to others who feel similar levels of anxiety.
Before I go, I want to make a very serious request. Please don't respond with any discussions about my ex. She deserves better than that. She didn't do anything wrong here. This post is not about my ex-GF, our relationship, or any attempts at getting back together with her. That ship has sailed, IMO. This is more about me doing the things I need to do to make sure this type of thing doesn't happen the NEXT time I find someone special. It may be a long while before I find someone as wonderful as she was, but I always have hope – that's just who I am.
~Sara
