Sara's Wild Ride (Part II)

[Oldandcreaky]

Plus, I mean, aren't we all just broken cookies? Hoping someone will still reach down and grab us out of the bottom of the bag?

Fine writing. Poignant and true.

[Sarah B]

Hi Sara

When she was through talking about her brother, she looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

Ouch. That's going to leave a mark.  I'm not sure this is going to help me much with my relationship insecurities.  I know she meant well, but dang.  I don't think I needed to hear that.

~Sara

I'm sorry also that you heard that. However REM said

I am sorry you were hurt by what she said.  I think you need to reassure her that she didn't ruin your life.  That you will always love her and you loved sharing your life with her.  The children you created and raised together are precious to you.

This above, sums it up

Love and Hugs
Sarah B

[TXSara]

Here.  Let me analyze this one a bit because I think y'all are a little off the mark about what I'm bothered by.

"You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."

This one doesn't bother me one bit.  It is just the typical over-dramatizing that people do when they are upset.

"I shouldn't have ever married you."

Same here.  Total drama.

"In the end it was that you were really a woman."

This one doesn't move the needle, either.

"When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing."

Here's the part that hurts.  I know she's telling the truth because I remember that she looked like a deer in the headlights that night.  She knew it was coming, yet she still sat there for a good 5-10 seconds before coming back to the world.  She was definitely conflicted.  She didn't feel that "electricity" that people want and expect when they are really in love.

I can only hope that my inability to get anyone's "motor running" was tied to the fact that I was in the wrong body and I never felt comfortable in it.  When I look in the mirror now, I see a body that, for once, I really like.  Of course, there's one small thing that needs to be fixed in a few weeks, but we'll look past that LOL. 

I still don't "lead" with sexual tension, though.  It doesn't feel right to me.  Lizzie and I like to joke around about how bad we would be at sexting.  "Uhh, do you like sexting?  Do you want to?  OK.  We are sexting now..."     Talk about weird and awkward.  I don't know how people do it. 

Maybe I just need to get laid so I can stop overthinking it all. 

~Sara

[REM.1126]

I wasn't 100% sure what hurt, but I could see that might be it.  I certainly can relate to that.  I was totally in love with my wife, but for her part I think she knew something was different about me. 

Her first husband had a lot of bad masculine traits that were somewhat opposite of me.  He was unfaithful, I was strongly faithful.  He was a controlling person.  I wanted nothing but to be an equal partner.  He gambled (poorly).  I am risk averse and don't like to gamble.  He never helped around the house.  I always have. 

I am not saying that any of that related to my gender.  It's just the way I am.  But, I was the polar opposite of him in many ways important to her.  She felt safe with me in a way that she always felt suspicious of him. 

She felt safe with me.  Was she madly in love with me?  I don't think she ever was.  But, she did and does love me.  And, she knew her kids liked me a lot.  And, I make a lot more money than her ex. 

Did she marry me for my money?  No.  But, I'm sure it didn't hurt.  She married me because I was everything he wasn't,
And not the things he was that hurt her.  I think I was more the polar opposite of him than she realized.

I have never been high on sexual attractiveness to anyone.  I have tremendous difficulty being the instigator of sex.  I am not sure I have ever done that effectively, even once.

[Sarah B]

Hi Sara and Rem

I'm humbled by your stories, thank you.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

[TXSara]

So, I saw Dr. Torres (my new therapist) yesterday.

We talked about a lot of things, and I'm finding that it's going to take a while to unravel all of the little strings that have come together to get me all knotted up.

We focused a little on the core wound associated with my lack of sexual chemistry in dating.  As I talked through my childhood years, both she and I came to the same conclusion.  Many of my behaviors toward women came from an attempt to distance myself from the "womanizing" behaviors of my dad, uncle, and grandfathers.  The men in my family were cheaters, and I didn't want to grow up to be like that.  In an attempt to break the cycle, I swung the pendulum completely to the other side.  It didn't help that my mom grew up in a very religious household and acted as though "sex" was a dirty word.

Here's something I have noticed -- The more I liked someone as a younger person, the less likely I was to "make a move".  It's almost like I connected flirting and seeing someone sexually as being disrespectful to them.  While it has gotten better since my teenage years, I still have a long way to go. 

I logically know that I overcorrected for my dad's bad behavior.  I also know that showing sexual interest early on is NOT disrespectful -- in fact, it is desirable if done right.  I just need to retrain my brain to be more open to being a bit more seductive.  I have a "hot date" for Saturday night, so maybe I'll work on that! (Yes, I'm burying the lede a little bit...)

The other major topic was a question of why I have a "thing" for more difficult women, specifically those with a fearful-avoidant attachment style (I would consider both my ex-wife and recent ex-GF as being FA).  She wants me to really think and journal on the question of "What do I get out of this?" 

I think it all comes from a strong need to feel "needed" and knowing that what I naturally give is exactly what they desire most.  What a fearful avoidant really needs is to find someone they can truly rely on.  Someone who can be steadfast, honest, and help them to eventually let go of their fear of interdependence.  Obviously, I don't do this purposely -- it's just how that puzzle piece "fits".  The bad side of this is that, as a more anxious-preoccupied type, I set myself up for mental beating after mental beating as my fearful partner continually pushes me away and I'm left feeling rejected.  Ugh.

~Sara

[Gina P]

Sounds like your new therapist is digging deep. It can be so hard to look deep in your soul and try to resolve issues. I'm glad you found someone who you feel comfortable with.
Hugs Gina

[imallie]

Sounds like some uncomfortable conversations, Sara.

That's awesome. That's where the good work happens.

So happy you seem to be with someone you like!

Love,
Allie

[TXSara]

Well, the "First Thursday" is quickly becoming my favorite night of the month.  I attended my second "Chick Happy Hour" last night, and I may have had even more fun than last month!

This time I knew a few people, so I had a "home base" to work from.  I really have enjoyed hanging out with my new friends.  We were joking around and laughing a lot, and the wine was definitely flowing  .  Like last time, I met quite a few new people.  I'm going to struggle remembering names LOL.  One of those happened to be another transgender woman who just had her bottom surgery a little over 2 weeks ago.

WHAT?!?!

Yes, I said that right.  She was just a little over 2 weeks post surgery and was walking around, visiting, and drinking wine along with us.  Crazy.  Sure, her surgery was minimum-depth, but DANG!  I have no expectations of being able to do anything of the sort, but it DOES give me just the slightest bit of hope that I'll be able to will my way into the Sleater-Kinney concert on 3/5.  A girl can dream, right?

Here's the best part of the night...

I went to stand in line for the bathroom, and someone walked up to me asking if I was Sara.  I looked at her, and it was the woman I have a date with this Saturday!  What luck!  It was really nice getting a chance to break the ice with her prior to our date in a couple days, and I came away really impressed.  She is very attractive, and she exudes warmth in both her tone and mannerisms.  I'm looking forward to getting to know her. 

Before you guys get the popcorn out, though, know that this is probably the last time I'm going to mention this woman on the blog.  I think it's better policy for me to keep all that stuff to myself even though I may still talk a little about how my therapy sessions are helping me (or not) to avoid those feelings of insecurity that plagued my last relationship.

Anyway, another great night with great new friends!

~Sara

[Jenn104]

Before you guys get the popcorn out, though, know that this is probably the last time I'm going to mention this woman on the blog.  I think it's better policy for me to keep all that stuff to myself even though I may still talk a little about how my therapy sessions are helping me (or not) to avoid those feelings of insecurity that plagued my last relationship.

Yeah, That.

I am very happy for you and where you are at. I also believe knowing what to post or not to post in your own story is a form of self-care. I hope everything works and look forward to no updates at all.

Altho -full disclosure- I do have witch museum passes put aside for you.

~Jenn
I am really happy for you Sara.

[imallie]

Anyway, another great night with great new friends!

~Sara

Such great stuff, Sara!

What follows is not an original thought of mine. But I read it the other day, and reading your post it really brought it home. And of course I know how much you've struggled, and how life continues to be complicated, the way life is.

But you are very much trying to live your best, authentic life.

And what I read was, this very fact is why so many people spend so much time and energy on the anti-trans movement.

Partly, the theory goes, you wouldn't be so obsessed with the choices of other people like this unless you yourself had some questions about your own gender issues. This tracks too in the way the fight against gay rights, gay marriage, and all LGBTQ+ issues come to the front.

But beyond that, there are people who see others with the courage to live their best lives.. when, for a multitude of reasons - cultural, economic, socio-economic, health, etc - are unable to do so, and that galls them. If they can't be happy, why should others get to?

"Why do YOU get to be PROUD when I don't have pride in myself?"

I'm not saying it's an iron-clad theory. But since I heard it, it has given me pause. Another way to look at the other side with, maybe, a bit of empathy. Maybe "empathy" is a bit too far. But at least a possible narrative to explain the madness.

Food for thought anyway. And your happy tale just made me think of it, is all.

Love,
Allie

[Courtney G]

Very cool that you found encouragement in that woman's quick recovery from her procedure. This gives me hope that visiting with you just a couple of days after your surgery won't be too soon for you!

And meeting your upcoming date? Also super cool. Here's hoping it goes well.

[Sarah B]

Hi Sara

Why did you not tell me I was stark raving mad, to go back to work after two weeks post surgery and it was full depth.  I did walk around very gingerley and I did beat all the other girls in recovery time.

They did beat me in the other department. One year later I was not a virgin anymore. Finally.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
PS I'm still crazy!!

[Gina P]

I think minimal depth is a lot different than colon graft, but its nice to hope, right. Are you having any pre surgery jitters yet, Sarah? I know I find I'm a bit worried about down time and discomfort. And yes I want to know all your details of what to expect for when I have mine in June.
Good news that your dating life is back on track. I won't pry there. Looking forward to visiting you after the surgery latter this month. 
Hugs Gina

[TXSara]

I think minimal depth is a lot different than colon graft, but its nice to hope, right. Are you having any pre surgery jitters yet, Sarah? I know I find I'm a bit worried about down time and discomfort. And yes I want to know all your details of what to expect for when I have mine in June.

Well, I'm not having a colon graft (mine is a PIV), but I still have no expectations of going out at the two week point!

Looking forward to visiting you after the surgery latter this month.

Absolutely!  I think Courtney is planning on visiting the 22nd because that's the only day she has available.  You can come then, or you can visit me in at Gaia House in New Hope after I get out of the hospital on 2/23. 

My friends won't be there on 2/22... Jess isn't coming until the 24th, and Lu is going to make a quick trip up to NYC to visit some friends from 2/21-2/23.  It's your call!

~Sara

[Oldandcreaky]

Post surgery, I walked for the first time about five days after the operation and I didn't know whether to faint or puke. However, I went to a water park about ten days later and played all day. Yes, it was ill-advised and I hurt that night, but I did do it. Ah, youth.

[TXSara]

Post surgery, I walked for the first time about five days after the operation and I didn't know whether to faint or puke. However, I went to a water park about ten days later and played all day. Yes, it was ill-advised and I hurt that night, but I did do it. Ah, youth.

Gotcha!  I guess it would be ill-advised to go to that concert, but...



   ~Sara

[Jessica_Rose]

Sara, as always, YMMV. Some people recover much more quickly than others. I was in the hospital for nine days. I think on day five they wanted me to get out of bed. It required several tries before I was successful. It took about two weeks for me to be moderately comfortable on a stairway. In my case, I didn't feel 'normal' until nearly five weeks after my surgery. I had a breast augmentation at the same time as bottom surgery. Although getting both at once was saved some time and money, it was a challenging experience. Two really important suggestions:

1 - Stay on top of your pain meds, don't try to be tough.
2 - Do not push yourself.

Love always -- Jess

[davina61]

I was only in hospital for a week, they had me out of bed the next day and walking down the corridor on day4 I think, had to climb 3 flights of stairs when I got home and did that okay. Didn't need any pain meds either. Lost the facts in the melt down but I think I was driving 2 weeks after and went for a food shop. YMMV.

[Oldandcreaky]

Ha, Sara!