Consider this.  Learned in psychology classes is past years.  I don't recall who said it.
"We are the sum of the 7 people we spend the most time with." Also, The happiest sound to ALL persons is the sound of their own name." Not said in anger of course.

I've found it rings true.  If you don't like who you are, find those that have the admirable skill you want to use as part of your personality and can support you!  Not saying its a cure all, yet it is a contributing factor to who you are.

Quote from: imallie on January 22, 2024, 02:52:07 PMI am not going to tell you that you have lots of people here who think you're the bees knees (present company included), because as mentioned, that's a band-aid. But I know there are friends and family in your life who think you're pretty great... and they're the ones who you can lean on if you need a bit of a self-esteem boost. But as you're doing, the rest comes from self-explorations and deciding that you rely on yourself.

Thank you Allie, and I definitely feel an incredible amount of love and support from all of my friends, family, and coworkers.

If I think about it clearly, the issue isn't an "overall" lack of self-esteem.  I still feel very good about myself in most dimensions.  My self-worth comes from many different places, and I still consider myself a good parent, daughter, friend, coworker, etc.  I also take a lot of pride in being a highly respected member of the technical community in the very small niche area that I work.  If anything, in those areas I'm a bit full of myself LOL.

I think that I never fully comprehended how much of my self worth as a romantic partner was tied up in the success of my marriage.  While I have always thought highly of myself in most areas, I have NEVER been very confident with women (see previous post about my struggles with dating as a younger person).  I think that knowing that I not only won her over but made her life a lot better in the process really made me feel as though I was a "good" partner.  My transition changed that, and it really affected me.

Quote from: imallie on January 22, 2024, 02:52:07 PMWish I could offer any pearls of wisdom on the guilt stuff. If you happen to figure that one out, please share. I'm still working on that myself. Miles to go before I sleep.

No pearls here, my friend.  I wish I had a few...

~Sara

Totally understand, Sara.

I guess I was trying (unsuccessfully) to equate loss of professional self-esteem with romantic. It's still "single-issue", but it does bleed into other parts of your life, whether you notice it or not. Because it chips away at your confidence around the edges a bit.

But it's good that you have so much support in so many other areas, AND are aware of it. That will get you through.

Love,
Allie

Quote from: imallie on January 22, 2024, 04:20:44 PMTotally understand, Sara.

I guess I was trying (unsuccessfully) to equate loss of professional self-esteem with romantic. It's still "single-issue", but it does bleed into other parts of your life, whether you notice it or not. Because it chips away at your confidence around the edges a bit.

No, I think you did it quite successfully!  I just wanted to make myself clear about this being an issue ONLY in the romantic relationship area.  The fact that I have a lot of great friends, a great job, etc. doesn't take the sting out of feeling like a failure in a very important part of my life.

It is very similar to your career.  You have a wonderfully loving wife and son, but they can't ever "fix" what you lost when you had to retire for medical reasons because they only move the needle in the areas where your cup is already overflowing.

I am someone who really values my interpersonal relationships, and there is no relationship more important than your primary one (mother to child, spousal, etc.)  When that relationship fails, it's really hard -- especially for someone like me.

~Sara

Nothing much to report over the past couple days.  I'm just doing a lot of introspection and writing (for myself, not you guys!)

My new therapist has me writing about all of my primary relationships going back to when I was a child.  She wants me to think about what kind of attachment they demonstrated and that I had with them, etc.

I started to go into details here, but it's a bit too personal and brings other people into it that really can't defend themselves.  I'll just keep most of it to myself. 

I can say, though, that I believe my mom's very quick temper contributed to my anxiety issues.  She could go from calm to irate in less than a second, so my sister and I walked on eggshells a lot.  While I was usually pretty good at keeping the peace, I wasn't completely immune.  I could definitely get her worked up at times.  You didn't want to be caught being "lazy".  That was definitely a bad word in my house.

I hate saying anything negative about Mom -- She raised two kids as a single mother.  She worked as a high school teacher, got her master's degree in between work and taking care of us, and also worked summer jobs for extra money.  She was under a great deal of stress, and she did a mighty fine job of raising a couple fantastic daughters  .  Still, if I'm completely honest, her hair trigger probably didn't do me a whole lot of good emotionally and may have led me to "people please" in my relationships.

~Sara

How far off would I be, Sara, if I said that you were the one would diffuse any situation in the household by putting yourself in the middle of it... trying to calm your mom, coach your sister, do or say whatever you needed to make any conflict go away.

And you made excuses for your mom to your sister, and for your sister to your mom.

'Cause if THAT rings true, not only are we simpatico... I am starting to think we need to get a 23 & me test.

I don't know how you can do that (pull anything out of your memory of various relationships to analyze their style.  It makes me wonder whether I am emotionally unaware, or I have intentionally put it out of my mind. 
Mess this a case of reading about it examples of styles and matching them up where they fit, or a freelance mother was this way and father was that?

Quote from: imallie on January 24, 2024, 08:43:21 PMHow far off would I be, Sara, if I said that you were the one would diffuse any situation in the household by putting yourself in the middle of it... trying to calm your mom, coach your sister, do or say whatever you needed to make any conflict go away.

And you made excuses for your mom to your sister, and for your sister to your mom.

Get out of my head, Allie!  Yes, that was / is my role in the family.

Quote from: imallie on January 24, 2024, 08:43:21 PM'Cause if THAT rings true, not only are we simpatico... I am starting to think we need to get a 23 & me test.

Agreed.  It's downright scary sometimes!

~Sara

Yes, ma'am. It's your blog, so I won't bogart it... but needless to say... we both lean towards mediation as a form of self-preservation. It's perceived, at times, as a wholly selfless act, but we know better.

Quote from: imallie on January 25, 2024, 10:16:55 AMYes, ma'am. It's your blog, so I won't bogart it... but needless to say... we both lean towards mediation as a form of self-preservation. It's perceived, at times, as a wholly selfless act, but we know better.

Yes, exactly.  I'm actually trying to be better at NOT avoiding conflict.  It's important to have some healthy level of conflict lest we completely lose ourselves and our own desires.

There's definitely a happy medium, and it may take me the rest of my life to find it LOL.

~Sara

Quote from: TXSara on January 25, 2024, 10:58:20 AMYes, exactly.  I'm actually trying to be better at NOT avoiding conflict.  It's important to have some healthy level of conflict lest we completely lose ourselves and our own desires.

There's definitely a happy medium, and it may take me the rest of my life to find it LOL.

~Sara

Gee, where have I heard those words before? Oh yes, the mirror... LOL

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 24, 2024, 09:43:04 PMI don't know how you can do that (pull anything out of your memory of various relationships to analyze their style.  It makes me wonder whether I am emotionally unaware, or I have intentionally put it out of my mind. 

Truthfully, I think that having read the three books on attachment theory helps because I was already thinking through this stuff as I was reading.  I'm sure that if you spent as many hours as I have on this lately, it would come a little easier.

Quote from: REM.1126 on January 24, 2024, 09:43:04 PMMess this a case of reading about it examples of styles and matching them up where they fit, or a freelance mother was this way and father was that?

For me, a little of both.  I now know what types of behaviors from parents may cause different attachment-related issues, so I'm more sensitive to seeing those now.  That being said, every relationship is different, and there's no "match" exactly.

~Sara

This one stings pretty bad...

I came home today and my ex-wife was visibly upset.  She had just gotten off the phone with her older brother, and they must have had a really bad argument.  She said that she was through talking with him and that neither of them wanted to have a relationship going forward.  I gave her a hug and held space for her to just talk it out.  She really appreciated that, and it was nice.

When she was through talking about her brother, she looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

Ouch. That's going to leave a mark.  I'm not sure this is going to help me much with my relationship insecurities.  I know she meant well, but dang.  I don't think I needed to hear that.

~Sara

Sara, it's simply that she SEES your womanhood and she's straight. She likely shared what she did because the two of you had just connected woman-to-woman, so she more than sees your womanhood; she felt it.

Quote from: Oldandcreaky on January 28, 2024, 08:01:03 PMSara, it's simply that she SEES your womanhood and she's straight. She likely shared what she did because the two of you had just connected woman-to-woman, so she more than sees your womanhood; she felt it.

Sara,   What O&C said.  Ditto times eleventy.  Yeah, there's that initial sticker shock that she is now questioning your validity when you presented as a man but she is also simultaneously seeing you as another woman.  In a way it's like someone giving you a million dollars in dimes.

Ladies

I have mentioned my therapy sessions were the absolute minimum and I had a happy childhood.  However, I cannot comprehend the agony, misfortune and suffering that you ladies have had to endure, during your lifetime.

Your knowledge of psychology as mentioned in relation to these posts which are poignant memories of your past, is enlightening.

I hope I can learn just a smidgen of what you know in this area.  Then I will be content.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

Quote from: TXSara on January 28, 2024, 06:47:50 PMThis one stings pretty bad...

I came home today and my ex-wife was visibly upset.  She had just gotten off the phone with her older brother, and they must have had a really bad argument.  She said that she was through talking with him and that neither of them wanted to have a relationship going forward.  I gave her a hug and held space for her to just talk it out.  She really appreciated that, and it was nice.

When she was through talking about her brother, she looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

Ouch. That's going to leave a mark.  I'm not sure this is going to help me much with my relationship insecurities.  I know she meant well, but dang.  I don't think I needed to hear that.

~Sara

Yeah, Sara... if you felt that sting then it stings. No one can dispute that.

But, boy, it almost seems like your wife was really TRYING to say something really nice... and it just didn't come out maybe the way she would have liked, because she was upset.

And also, sometimes people -- with the luxury of hindsight -- rewrite the past a bit,  which maybe she is doing in her mind to make sense of things.

But I'm real sorry that happened between her and her brother, and that you took shrapnel from it.

Love,
Allie

Sara's X

Quoteshe looked at me and said, "You know Sara, I'm really sorry for ruining your life."  Of course, I don't agree with this -- we had many good years and two great daughters that came out of that marriage.  She then said, "I shouldn't have ever married you.  When you asked me, I wasn't sure if I was in love with you.  I felt safe with you, though, and I didn't want to hurt you.  I knew that there was something missing.  In the end it was that you were really a woman."

I am sorry you were hurt by what she said.  I think you need to reassure her that she didn't ruin your life.  That you will always love her and you loved sharing your life with her.  The children you created and raised together are precious to you. 

Yes, you are and were transgender.  And, you did reach a point where you couldn't continue to live as her husband.  But, the time you shared made you the person you are.  And, your life is far from ruined. 

I would take that as a positive dear. A compliment if you like, my ex said why did you marry me if you knew you were trans? Well it didnt come to the surface till later and as you say we had wonderful children so what is wrong about that.

Plus, I mean, aren't we all just broken cookies? Hoping someone will still reach down and grab us out of the bottom of the bag?

I think everyone feels that way — trans, or otherwise. Everyone brings insecurities into a relationship. I don't think trans folk have a patent on that. Nor is that, among, all other things, a reason to avoid a chance at happiness.

The wonderful family Sara built is exhibit A in that argument.