Do you still see and hear who you used to be?

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: December 05, 2021, 06:16:47 am »
Does you mind ever catch up with reality after transition? I became Jessica nearly six years ago, yet when I think about myself, my mind deadnames me. When I see my initials, which didn't change, my mind translates it to my deadname. Is the voice you hear in your mind the same voice others hear when you speak?

When I look at my reflection, I still see features that remind me of the person I used to be. When I see a photo of myself, my mind sometimes doesn't know who it is. My past is exceptionally painful, and I am still in the process of getting rid of reminders. I don't display any of my old photos, items with my deadname have been banished to storage or discarded. My wife knows how painful it can be for me, and she helps protect me from the occasional piece of mail which may include my deadname. One of the reasons we recently moved was to get away from the neighborhood where we had lived for 15 years, where all our friends and neighbors knew my background -- even newer neighbors who have only known me as Jessica. I often wish there was a 'reset' button I could press which would cause others only to remember me as I am now.

The person I was protected me for decades, and ultimately gave his life so I could exist. Maybe that's why reminders are so painful, and so hard to forget.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Oldandcreaky]

I am saddened reading your post, Jessica Rose. I think time will help.

[Jessica_Rose]

I am saddened reading your post, Jessica Rose. I think time will help.

Thank you, O&C.

I think the older we were when we transitioned, the longer it takes our brains to fully adjust. Some of the surgical procedures I've had were attempts to erase the vision of who I used to be. It is better now, but my old ghost still visits occasionally. There is one more procedure I'm considering which I think will help, and it is really minor compared to everything else I've done. I'll post more information once everything is a 'go'.

Love always -- Jess

[EllenW]

Jess,

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling out your old self. The only time I think of <deadname> is when I feel the loss of my wife. I think I have been able to put him in the rear view mirror is the fact that I have had to create a new life as a widow.

Ellen

[Moonflower]

Great question and thoughts about your relationship with your reality. Thanks, Jessica, for all that you share.

[Sarah B]

As I have mentioned before, I have never transitioned, because I just changed my clothes and put some makeup on and instead of having a years holiday, I just went back to work inside of 3 months, probably a little sooner than that.  Reality did not change for me.  I still had to live.  So, I do not see or hear, who I used to be.

My mind did not change in anyway whatsoever, I was still a female.  I was just still me.  I just continued on with my life,   I assume hormones that I was taking, took the edge of that wanting or longing that was ever present at the time and I did not have to think about wanting or longing to be a female anymore.

Its been 33 years since my surgery or 36 years since my epiphany and I have matured as an adult and achieved so much more than I ever did.

It's extremely rare for my previous name to come up, especially in the family and if it does, it is usually unintentional or used in a historic reference, I cringe very much when I hear it and I say please don't mention it, in a polite way.  Nobody outside the family knows it, except one old high school friend.  I cannot forget it, because it was part of me for 30 years, but the less I hear it, the better off I am.

Very recently, I mentioned that I would destroy old photos of me, if I came across them.  However, not all of them got destroyed and the ones that are left, I have scanned them and the ones of me and my brothers when we were young I will give them a copy.

Which comes to the final point where Jessica_Rose says in her OP and I quote.

« on: December 05, 2021, 06:16:47 am »
The person I was protected me for decades, and ultimately gave his life so I could exist. Maybe that's why reminders are so painful, and so hard to forget.

Reflects pretty much the same about me in a sense and that was, "He died so that I could live".  I have memories of my past life and they are part of who I am today.

Kind regard to one and all
Sarah B

[Moonflower]

As I have mentioned before, I have never transitioned, because I just changed my clothes and put some makeup on...  Reality did not change for me.

Similarly, I'm still me and MORE me. When I was a pre-teen, I noticed that I wasn't as feminine as other girls. When I was a teenager, I noticed my androgyny and tried to persuade a doctor to do a hysterectomy. I considered it part of my 1960s/1970s cool feminism. In college, I put on the clothes, did my hair, and played the girl part while enjoying shocking people with my interest in car mechanics, woodworking, electrical circuits, and my own muscle strength.

Like you, then I changed my clothes, but I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped wearing heels and stockings. Eventually stopped wearing bras because I didn't have much there anyway.

I still enjoy the ease of throwing on a dress, much like many men of other times and cultures.

So, when I got my cancer diagnoses, cancer dictated the chest and pelvic surgeries, but my gender identity brought me great peace and comfort. My body feels Right, now. It feels more familiar. I am pleased with the results. My surgery put me more in touch with how nonbinary I am. It confirmed my gender identity.

[Sarah B]

Similarly, I'm still me and MORE me. When I was a pre-teen, I noticed that I wasn't as feminine as other girls.

You have hit the proverbial nail on the head in describing me.  Like you, I have done so much more since surgery and I'm still me.  I really get it.  I will rephrase your last words, "I noticed that I wasn't as macho as other boys".  I liked what other girls were doing and I wanted to join in and do the same thing, I can remember the yearning as if it was only yesterday. The pain, anguish and sadness still hurts me today, that little girl could not play with the other girls.

Thank you for reminding me of how much, I wanted to be a girl, These particular memories, cement in my mind that they were not just random fleeting moments. 

When I was a teenager, I noticed my androgyny and tried to persuade a doctor to do a hysterectomy. I considered it part of my 1960s/1970s cool feminism. In college, I put on the clothes, did my hair, and played the girl part while enjoying shocking people with my interest in car mechanics, woodworking, electrical circuits, and my own muscle strength.

You were certainly brave to suggest that to a doctor, imagine me asking a doctor for a change in anatomy!  I would not be able to even squeak.  Attending university three years after surgery, I got to play me, wore crappy clothes like tracky dacks, no makeup, did my hair as always and shocked the men and boys in my prowess at mathematics, electrical circuits and programming and even tutored them in those subjects. Yay girls rulz.

Like you, then I changed my clothes, but I stopped wearing makeup. I stopped wearing heels and stockings. Eventually stopped wearing bras because I didn't have much there anyway.

It was so liberating to finally wear what I wanted, when I wanted and how I wore them.  I can relate today on not wearing a bra, so funny in the earlier days I so wanted to wear them, now I cannot wait until I can get home and remove my bras as fast as I can.  The irony is not lost on me.

I still enjoy the ease of throwing on a dress, much like many men of other times and cultures.

These days I would not even know how to dress as a male, I would not even try to do that.  If I did do that, I would look absolutely ridiculous.

So, when I got my cancer diagnoses, cancer dictated the chest and pelvic surgeries, but my gender identity brought me great peace and comfort.

Nobody deserves to suffer from cancer and I'm sorry you had to suffer in that way.  However, in a sense, I suppose it was a blessing in disguise.  I know exactly how you feel about your peace and comfort.  I woke up from my surgery the second time and as I drifted of back to sleep, I felt a peace and contentment fall upon me, that I have never felt before and I don't think, I will ever again.

My body feels Right, now. It feels more familiar. I am pleased with the results. My surgery put me more in touch with how nonbinary I am. It confirmed my gender identity.

My body feels right too.  I'm comfortable with it and of course I'am pleased with the results, I never knew what the surgery entailed at the time.  So whatever my surgeon did, he made me extremely jubilant female.  I only ever had surgery for one thing and one thing only and that was so that I could function as a female in society.

Your description of yourself as non-binary explains to me how, one can be non-binary in this world.  I'm happy you have confirmed your gender identity.

Best wishes for the future

Love and hugs
Sarah B

[KathyLauren]

I only see my old self when I look at my hairline in the mirror.  There's nothing I can do with it except cover it up.  But my eyes, my lips, the rest of my face, that's all Kathy.  I am completely Kathy in my own mind, and I seldom think of my old self.  When I reminisce about the old times, it is as me, not as him. 

I don't mind old photographs.  I still have my old "hero shot" from my flying training days in the air force.  That was a fun, exciting time in my life, I have good memories of it.

I am the worst when it comes to misgendering myself.  I have no problem with my name - I am always and only Kathy - but on the rare occasions when I refer to myself with third person pronouns (like when I talk to the cats), I use the wrong ones.  I think it is because I use them so seldom.

[Sarah B]

I only see my old self when I look at my hairline in the mirror.  There's nothing I can do with it except cover it up.  But my eyes, my lips, the rest of my face, that's all Kathy.  I am completely Kathy in my own mind, and I seldom think of my old self.  When I reminisce about the old times, it is as me, not as him.

I do not look in the mirror really, when I do all I see is me, just plain old Sarah.  I only think about what I have done, as I have said just recently in one of my posts, "one final thought on this, my past life makes me who I am today."

I don't mind old photographs.  I still have my old "hero shot" from my flying training days in the air force.  That was a fun, exciting time in my life, I have good memories of it.

I don't mind very old photographs of me and my brothers and I just found some just recently and when I get the chance I will give them a copy as well.

I am the worst when it comes to misgendering myself.  I have no problem with my name - I am always and only Kathy - but on the rare occasions when I refer to myself with third person pronouns (like when I talk to the cats), I use the wrong ones.  I think it is because I use them so seldom.

When I spoke I was very careful and slow, when it came to pronouns.  Which serves me well today.  I'm not immune to making the proverbial clanger regarding pronouns, extremely rare but luckily it was in front of a family member. So practice in front of your cat, it will do you the world of good.

Best wishes and hugs
Sarah B

[D'Amalie]

Hear me out 'afore you shoot me?!

I think I am still who I used to be.  I see and hear "who I used to be" because I'm still me.  My transitioning is not a hard stop one way and beginning another.  It's an evolved and evolving condition.  Sure, my clothing reflects a change, leading an judging observer to assume one way over another.  Female hopefully over male.

But I stand on it's "only me" after all.  My old self is still me.  My "new me" is me but maybe not so new.  The entire situation isn't one of black and white.

My personality is still me.  Maybe more boy than girl 60 years ago, as expected by those who directed my early life as is our uptight culture of today, shoehorned into boyhood, but dreaming and sneaking in girlhood. I'm more woman than man these days.  Really, I suggest to you all that Im just "more me" these days.  I see me, a sum of what I was, what I am, and who I'm going to be.

I hope I don't get hate mail off this philosophical view of self.  Read too much Neitzsche maybe; increasingly preoccupied with the creative powers of the individual to overcome cultural and moral mores in pursuit of new values and aesthetic health.

[D'Amalie]

So sorry folks.  I'm gonna go home and have cocktail.  Something fruity "'cause I can't shoot whiskey." ((liberally taken line from some country song memory))  All because i still see and hear who I used to be, who I am, who I'm gonna be.

[Sarah B]

Hi D'Amalie

I'm not going to shoot you, why? I still would like to hear more stories about your life and times of D'Amalie.

Rolling Me Down The Highway by Jim Croce

"I've got a dream, I've got a dream Oh, I know I could share it if you want me to If you're going my way, I'll go with you Movin' me down the highway Rollin' me down the highway Movin' ahead so life wont pass me by".

So fitting, so fitting, for all thats' happened in my life, I have remained me and I will not change who I am.  I have spent more than half my life as a female, although I know I have always been female.

Hate 'mail' is just a wasted activity, so let them at it, I have better things to do than humour them, in their wasteful verbiage.

I really don't drink, but on this occasion, I will toast a drink to 'ME'.

Love and Hug
Sarah B
PS RIP Jim, you were take too early.

[D'Amalie]

Took me a moment of looking back and forth to pickup on the Jim Croce reference.  I appreciate that! 
Croce was quite the crooner!

[D'Amalie]

I just seems that many folks on the site present as so firmly, so very firmly, anti-anything that isn't hard core female.  That's why I worry about being "shot" in this virtual environment.  I found this site five/six years ago and continue, astounded at the frankness and attitude of sharing.  I simply had to participate.  basking in the openess so many can't enjoy streetside.  Maybe breifly I had/have blinders on?  Forums can be so limititing.  writing...reading...translating...analysing.

Certainly I'm not meant to dismiss positions differing from my own, disrespecting their position about being who they are.  Oh my gosh, not so.,but maybe there are a raft of us that aren't almost militant about being trans.  I'm finding a comfortable position and riding out my rather too short life, without getting in the way of anyone.

This isn't a fantasy fulfilment life I have.   My life's no fantasy.  I'm finding I can't afford hiding from life on one hand and forcing my femme self out there on the other, saying "I'm a woman, what are you going to do about it, huh? Punk?"

Thanks for sticking with me.  I hear who I used to be, I see who I am, and I don't know what I'll see and hear when the future brings the next scene to the stage.

[Gina P]

Some days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina

[Jessica_Rose]

Some days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina

Don't give up Gina. It does slowly get better.

One of the things that bothered me was my hairline. Although I could hide it a bit, I always got a stark reminder after taking a shower. I had a hair restoration procedure last week. If it's successful, my hairline will be completely different than at any time in my life. Hopefully that will be enough to banish the ghost I see in the mirror.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Sarah B]

Hi Gina

Jessica said it most elegantly:

Don't give up Gina. It does slowly get better.

Trust me on this, she is telling you the absolute truth.  I don't remember what the old me was like, all I do know is that my past is part of who I  am today and all I see in the mirror is just little old me with memories of what I used to do in the past.

Cheerup and please take care of yourself, you have come so far, so be proud of what you have achieved so far.

Love and Hugs from downunder
Sarah B
@Gina P

[Mariah]

Some days I will look in the mirror and see the woman I am, then other times I see the old man and it really brings me down. I know its all in my head but after a year of full time I would think the old man would be gone.
Gina

Gina,

One thing I have learned during my during is to be gentle with myself. I know how difficult and frustrating it can be to see something that reminds of us to much of our past. I know for me it can be disheartening to see who I presented as before my transition in the mirror when I get my hair colored. However, I remind myself that is just how hair is styled at that moment as the color is being applied and processing.

My spouse transitioning after we got married result in my taking stock in how far I have come since transitioning. That was the first point where I started to realize, I didn't need to be so hard on myself. Those around me really were what allowed me to relax and enjoy my life now and enjoy my authentic self today.

Transitioning is a journey that takes time. Just as, Hormones take time to have an impact in softening things and helping redistribute fat and the growing of breasts that we can't wait to see blossom and grow. In the end be kind and patient with yourself and give yourself time to blossom and grow as authentic self. Hugs
Mariah

[Gina P]

Thanks ladies. Its only been a year, full time, but it seams like an eternity. I look in the mirror and think my chin is to big, as is my nose, cheeks to small, eyes to squinty. Hair covering my large forehead... Then a friend says you look great.. Not like me!!! I guess we are our worst critic. Changes keep happening from HRT but sometimes its like watching paint dry.