One New Life to Live

[LauraE]

June 11, 2023

I owe you stories, so i'll try to make a dent in the backlog today.

Overall, i'm in the middle of what i feel is a five year journey to become Laura, Day 1 being the day i went full-time. I've written before how i feel there are two parts of transitioning: Physical, which you can begin before outing yourself, and Social/Emotional, which can only begin when you start living your authentic life. For me, HRT and FFS came before FT, but i still have years of physical work: another 1 ½ years or so of facial electrolysis (currently at 2 ½ years) and bottom surgery. The Social Emotional work has progressed nicely. I'm happier and have more friends now than at any point of my life. I do feel that i've evolved nicely but believe it will be another two years or so before i've completely painted Laura's picture. Still, all my good news stems from how my life is better since i've evolved sufficiently to enjoy being Laura.

That's not to say everything is perfect. It's not. At least 20 states have passed anti-trans legislation and we are now referred to as pedophiles and groomers by the GOP. This crusade seems to be paying off since an increasingly growing share of voters buy into their propaganda. If you aren't afraid, you should be. I mostly try to compartmentalize these events and have been fairly successful, primarily because i live in a blue state.I'm safe. For now. If the GOP ever captures congress and the presidency, they'll be coming for all of us, though.

California isn't perfect. I still have haters at my tennis club and at all the tennis clubs our teams play with. Despite years of HRT, operations, and socialization, everyday i'm stared at. Those of us who transition in our fifties and sixties are less able to become passable, so we'll always stand out,something that caused me much anxiety in the past.

I've evolved and while my journey isn't complete, i know how different i am now than i was at the beginning of going FT. I'm happy and doing my best to live my life at its fullest.

Now, where do i start?

Story Time

Hawaii
I've just returned from a 10 day stay on Hawaii's Big Island, staying at the same condo complex as last year. My 2022 trip taught me i was ready to live life, and people have begun noticing that i'm a different person, shedding some of <deadname's> less attractive qualities. I've forgiven myself for not being perfect my first 18 months FT because it takes time to shed our old skin.

Many of the condo residents remembered me from last year, and we chatted throughout my stay. Never was my transness a problem. I was just Laura to them.

Hawaii is like a second home, my father having been born in Hilo in 1925. My first wife was from Hawaii, so we frequently traveled there on vacations. Now, when i go, i only want to "chill", read, enjoy the local foods, and go on a few excursions. This time, i traveled twice to Hilo, stopping by the volcano the second time since it had just begun erupting. I also took a trip up to the top of Mauna Kea (it's highest peak at 14K feet) to view the sunset. Oh, the pictures i took this time. By the end though, i had begun feeling homesick, missing my two fur babies.

The flight back was long and i arrived back at home at 11PM Friday night.

Nora's First Baseball Game.
The next morning, i played with the 16 member tennis group that i organize each week. This group is my safe space, so only nice people get invited to play. Over the past two years, i've assembled a really great group of people.

After tennis and showering, Nora and i went to SF to watch her first baseball game, which also was Pride Day at the Giants. We both got cool pride jerseys that the team was passing out. Nora was surprised how much she enjoyed the game and commented that she wants to go again.

Interclub and a New Conversion
February and March are when tennis players pair up for the next season's team. I didn't play last year, having been turned down by 14 women. This year though, someone asked me to be their partner. (More on that later and how it may turn out to be a problem. Not now, because it deserves a long post of its own.)

Once she and I paired, she (Isa) began to invite me to sub for her team, which because of rain delays, would continue their matches into early May. (the season typically ends in early March). In all, i subbed 6 times and i'm proud that not only did i win often, but that i felt i was a much different person on the court with them. Oh, the haters are still there, both at my club and at the clubs we play, but i was perfectly nice the whole time.

New Conversion?
At the same time, one of Isa's team members began asking me to play in a foursome she assembles each week. That was a surprise mainly because she was one of my haters. Her name is Laura, too, so i'll call her LP in this story.
I knew LP from my first season of playing Interclub. Yeng and I beat her and her partner to gain entry on the team, which meant LP and her partner would be on the sidelines that season. My belief that she was a hater was later confirmed when i learned that she had blocked me on FaceBook, which is weird because she and i weren't even FB friends at the time.

Two years later, LP and I are now both on the same team so she began inviting me to play with her. During the first month or so of play, i was highly suspicious of her intentions. I know some people can pretend to be friendly in order to get dirt for their gossip, so while i was polite during these matches, i was also very cautious, even perplexed. Over time, though, as she shared intimate details of her life to me, i began to build trust with her. While i am still a bit guarded, I'm now more confident that her intentions were genuine and that she was acknowledging my evolution and my evolved personality.

This was my hope at the beginning of my transition, that people would eventually begin accepting the new me. Perhaps i tried too hard my first year, or perhaps too much of the old me was within Laura so that people had a reason to dislike me. What i do know is that i'm a very different person than i was two and a half years ago, that all my friends have noticed this, and that, with time, more people will come on board.

I'm not delusional though. I fully realize that many women at my club and at other clubs will always dislike me because i'm trans. What's different now is that i just don't care. I don't need their understanding or acceptance in order to be happy.

And that's why Laura has more friends and is happier now that she was at the beginning.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

August 7, 2023

I only drop in here from time to time now to chronicle some of the events in my evolution. It's not that i have little time to write, but just saying, "hey. I got out of bed, fed the cats, played tennis, and then sat on the couch all day" doesn't work for me. It's drivel and not meaningful without a reference about a story i need to tell, to record for myself, or a memory of what i endured during this thousand mile journey i'm on.

I apologize for not dropping in more often to read the postings here and comment. I know how important it is to have a support network as we make our journeys. I really don't need anyone to read my postings because this is just my online diary and perhaps some of my stories are instructive.

To Love
I'm on at least five dating apps and while i know in my heart it's a fruitless venture, i'm not one to give up easily. Anyone who stays in a marriage for ten years after understanding that her wife was never going to express love in any form is someone who doesn't give up easily. That i wasted a decade of my life is old news, but i think what i regret the most is the time missed being Laura for a longer period.

I am happier now than at any point of my life and while my evolution is still proceeding, i'm a better person now too.

Better, but lonelier.

You see, transitioning at my age comes with the understanding that i'll never be passable. My body has been poisoned by T for too many decades. After FFS, BA, and three years FT, I still don't see Laura in the mirror. I do sometimes see hints of her in some of the pictures i take. And yet, I would never to back. I've always been Laura from the age of 12 and i'm happy that she finally gets to breathe and make new friends, even if that means getting stared at every day.

 i have more friends now than at any point of my life.

And yet, I know i'll never find love again. The CIS world has dating pool the size of an ocean. I have a puddle and after years of profiles on multiple dating platforms, all i attract are scammers.

This current bout of loneliness is not a depression. I'm a far distance from the rabbit hole. It's more about the impossibility of finding love. Let me tell you about the trigger.

I've written about my Saturday doubles group, which ranges from 12-16 players each week. It's my safe space and i only invite people i feel safe around. I also scout potential additions in Sid's evening doubles group and have added around 10 of his players in the past year, several whom have become friends. You see, when i scout, i don't look to see the quality of their play. I look for a kind heart and a sense of humor. Those are the people i want to surround myself with.

So, Kay and her best friend Trinh are two of those additions. They joined my group last winter and played until early summer when it got too hot for them. They did invite me to play with them twice a week in the evening and i've been taking advantage of their offer. Kay is a delightful woman and her husband Paul is a kind soul. You may remember Kay from an earlier post about the Bunko party i attended. Trinh is her divorced best friend.

Each Tuesday and Thursday, i play tennis with Kay, Paul, and Trinh and have a great time. I make the effort, though, because Kay's the kind of person i'd like to make a closer friend so being present when asked is important to me. It's also something <deadname> was terrible at and Laura is trying to correct.

Over time, though, I've found myself becoming attracted to Trinh. A few weeks ago, i was playing in Sid's group and Trinh was playing that night. We weren't partners during any of the three sets, but we waved to each other. Afterwards, she asked if i'd like to get drinks. Now, this was certainly an invitation i was going to accept and while i was scouting Google for a bar close to the tennis club, another friend of ours came by. Trinh asked him to join us but because he was hungry, we agreed to meet at a local Mexican restaurant. Unfortunately, it was closed, so we decided just go home.

The following night, i played with Kay and Trinh again. During the first set, Trihn and i were partners and her conversation turned to the age range i was looking for when dating. I gave it some thought and told her 15 years, a fairly random number, but also the age difference between my ex-wife and myself. What happened next was totally by accident. I asked Trinh, "how old are you?" When she replied 56, i said, "perfect."

And that's when i realized i said too much, that my mini-crush on her may have been too transparent. I was fairly quite the remainder of the set and the following week, i said nothing to infer any attraction.

And yet, I do have a crush on her and know it's fruitless. I can't even test the waters because i don't want to ruin the friendship i'm trying to build with them.

And so, I mope.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

August 15, 2023

This post is for me only, a way for me to remember both the highs and lows of my transition. No comments or advice on this one, please.

Pilot Error
Whenever a plane crashes, the FAA's National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) investigates and issues a report, usually a year later, that explains the accident's cause. "The accident was caused by the pilot's failure to xxxx" is the most common phrase cited by the NTSB. Pilot error. In pilot circles, we often debate the circumstances that surrounded the accident, that perhaps, in some cases, the pilot was only partially responsible and that other factors played a role.

Most accidents are the result of a chain of events that can begin before the plane takes off and certainly ends with the accident. Had any of those chain linkages been broken, the accident would never had happened. "A" happened, followed by "B", then "C" and finally "D." If the pilot had not done one of them, the chain wouldn't exist and the accident wouldn't have happened.

Today, I was pushed down the rabbit hole, and I'm feeling lost.

Let's review the chain of events that got me here.

1 & 2. Shared in my last post, i've been sad the past few weeks. Between the combination of feeling lonely from my complete failure with online dating, and a one-way crush on someone I can never share, nor expect feelings to be returned, my reality is that i'll always be alone. Sure i have friends, but I know love will never enter my life again.

Saturday, there was an incident in my Saturday doubles group involving Nora. I've spoken many times about how this group is my safe space, how i've chosen people i feel comfortable around to invite, and how some of the women players have either become casual friends or more. It's the one thing i consider mine, that i feel i have control over, and that brings me joy and happiness each week.

Over the past few years, i've built four playlists of music for our group play, all from my personal collection, and i rotate lists each week. I always press play before people arrive to establish the atmosphere for our fun playing.

Now, while Nora will admit she likes some of my selections, she's also not shy about complaining about my choices, so when we're driving together, sometimes i get my way, and sometimes I give her control over what's played in the car.

Saturdays are different. It's my house, the one thing i feel i have control over.

Mid way through the fourth set, I heard my music stop, followed by new music playing. Nora had turned off my speaker, turned on hers, and began playing her music. I know she thinks it was funny but it bothered me to no end. I rarely get upset at Nora, but i was at that moment, so when my court was finished playing, I gathered my things and left without saying goodbye.

Nora did try to call me a few minutes later when i was getting a drink at AM/PM, but i didn't hear her call and didn't return it because i was still upset with her.

Now, my tennis lesson is on Monday and i've let Nora take part in it for some time now. I reminded her the day before and then sent her a wake up text the morning of the lesson. This week she didn't reply to the first and then texted that she couldn't come after the morning wake up text. 

Today's Tuesday, electrolysis day, where i drive into the Bay Area for two hours of needles and pain. Today's session, where our work focused on my lower and upper lips, was especially painful. Torture really. About one hour into the lesson, Nora called, but given i was lying down on the table being tortured, i didn't answer. Nora tends to forget that i'm occupied until a bit after 12pm each Tuesday, but she did follow up with a text that said, "This is the second time I called you and you didn't answer."

On the way out, i called her but the call went to voicemail and while i was texting her, she returned my call. She was immediately upset with me.

Over the next 10-15 minutes, Nora told me how wrong i was that i had gotten upset, that she had nothing to apologize for, and that my attitude was why people didn't like me.

I was stunned and frankly, the more she drove at me, the more i felt myself falling into the rabbit hole, the first time in 18 months. During the whole conversation, all i could muster in return were "OK" and "I understand". On the edge of tears, i told her we'd have to talk later and i ended the call.

I cried all the way home and afterwards.

Am i too flawed to be likable? Are all the changes i've made to my personality insufficient? I'm confused because i've worked hard to be less like <deadname> and more like the woman i want to be. Apparently, it's not enough and i'm lost.

Laura

[LauraE]

August 18, 2023

You Can't Put the Bullet Back in the Gun

My previous two posts are the lead up for today's story.

I continue to be lost and in survival mode, just keeping my head above water. I've been here before, but this time is different.

The first two chain linkages were the lead in and will probably always be a source of frustration. After reflecting a few days, i have some thoughts.

I have always loved women and there haven't' been many periods during my adult life where i wasn't either married to or dating a straight woman. I believe in love and i think i've matured over the years to be a better partner each time. That i have a crush on a straight woman, Trinh, is most frustrating. She's a relatively new friend, still a casual one, and she's Kay's best friend.

Trinh's history is that she's a pediatrician whose husband left two years ago to be with another woman. Crushed, she immediately rebounded and began cougar dating a man 20 years her junior. While they've broken up a few times, they're still together. She admits she doesn't love him, but she stays with him. As a fellow introvert, i think i know why. No one wants to be lonely and sometimes it's better to be in a bad relationship than to be alone.

I could be wrong.

Regardless, no amount of wishing is going to make Trinh bisexual. Not going to happen. Why is it that i seem to only attracted to straight women? Is it because i've been with them my whole life? Have I been forced here because most lesbians don't consider us to be women? I don't know. I just know that despite looking far and wide, i'm going to be alone the rest of my life.

It was Nora's push that sent me down the hole and her words keep reverberating around my head. Because i got upset with her for changing music during Saturday doubles, I am a bad person and that's why people don't like me.

This next part involves Bobby and Trix, the same from much earlier posts. For several years before going FT, Trix, Bobby, Nora and I were part of a Friday doubles group that met for several years. In many ways, they were my weekly lifeline during a depressing period of my life. Shortly after i went FT, Trix dropped me from the group and brought on Jason as their new fourth. That rejection still hurts to this day.

Jason is an interesting man. A retired prison guard and MAGA devotee, he may be quite skilled on the tennis court, but when he begins to make errors, he turns in to an angry jerk. Nora had previously been doubles partners with him at tournaments, but finally his behavior became too much.

During Nora's Tuesday tear down, she mentioned that my behavior was why Trix and Bobby didn't like me. Upon reflection i find that curious. If i'm such a terrible person that these former friends don't like me, am a worse person that Jason? After all, they continue to play and socialize with him?

Wednesday, Nora called to check up,, which was probably not a good idea. Now, Nora has been my BFF for four years, was the first person i came out to, and has been an important mentor during my evolution. She's scolded me in the past when she thought i was wrong and i know those events were because she cared about my development. This time felt very different. During her Tuesday rebuke, whatever self-esteem i had disappeared in a flash. All the pride i felt about my evolution vanished. Did i really make new friends, or were all these new people in my life just temporary?

During Nora's wednesday call, i reminded her that she told me i was a bad person, crying as i shared. Over my talk, i could hear her say that i wasn't a bad person.

Then why did you fire the bullet that caused irreparable damage to my heart? Taking back those words won't pull me out of the rabbit hole. You can't put the bullet back in the gun. In my 1000 mile journey, i feel like i've been knocked back 100 miles.

We haven't talked since. We will at some point, but i'm not sure if our friendship wound will heal. The reality is that the many friends i've made the past 18 months are just casual friends.None have evolved to become closer. None invite me to play with them, nor invite me to hang out.

So, perhaps Nora was right. I'm not the kind of person people can like. 

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

August 26, 2023

I'm lost and i'm not sure what i'll be once i crawl out of the rabbit hole. I don't think i'll be as confident as before, and i feel less inclined to reach out to people than before. I realize now that i really have no friends, that those others were just people who were friendly but not really friends.

In the two years i've run my Saturday group, no one has asked me to play with them, nor attempted to be a friend. I encountered friendliness only when i reached out to women, but i'm tired of feeling needy. I don't want to beg people to love me. These interactions never led to anything more substantial though. Casual friends, but not close ones.

Perhaps this is partly because i'm still struggling with the person i used to be. Having lived most of my life as someone else means i never developed some of the habits and behaviors CisWomen have. I find i all overwhelming.

Nora and i aren't talking and i don't think we ever will. She hurt me deeply and destroyed both my self-confidence and my joy. I'd been happy for 18 months, so i was stunned when i so quickly fell down the rabbit hole.

And here i sit. Alone.

Dating is impossible, and my crush on Trinh is fruitless. She and i will never be close friends, nor will any woman in my life.Maybe it's safer for me to have no friends and to just enjoy activities by myself.

Laura

[LauraE]

September 3, 2023

Prelude to Destruction

Three weeks after "the event", I continue to be depressed. For me a good day is one where i don't cry. I am lost. Oh, i can fake being happy when i'm playing tennis with acquaintances or my team. Being around people helps me survive and often is the only thing i can hold onto.

Isa is our team captain and my partner on the team. Last week was her birthday, so Laura (the queen bee) arranged a play day followed by lunch at a local restaurant. The tennis was wonderful and roughly 16 people attended the luncheon. After everyone was settled and had placed their orders, I commented about the empty chair next to me. Laura replied that it was reserved for Nora, who had been invited. I quickly texted Laura, who was sitting across from me, that Nora and i weren't talking. "Oh, >-bleeped-<", she replied back and before i knew it, the chair was moved to another part of the table. Nora eventually arrived and became part of one of the conversation groups. We didn't speak to or acknowledge each other.

Everyone was having a wonderful time and several groups of conversations were going on at the same time. I, though, wasn't part of any of the conversation groups, so over time I forgot to fake happiness and my sadness began to show through. Laura actually noticed it and asked if i was sleepy or if anything was wrong. I chose not to share because i don't want my situation to be gossip and i certainly don't want people feeling sorry for me.

The same goes for my birthday, which is this Thursday. No one knows about it and i've not shared the date with people. My birthday, as usual, will pass without notice. It reminds me of the birthday i had a year before my second marriage imploded and i scurried away to therapy.
That day, as my ex and i rose from bed, there were no birthday greetings, no card, and no present. This was curious, I thought, so i played along all day, wondering if some surprise was in order or if my ex just didn't care.

In the late afternoon, her best friend came to our house bearing both a card and a present. I think this is when my ex realized it was my birthday. What hurt me was that she showed no embarrassment, no remorse, and no apology. My birthday just didn't matter to her. The following day, she did buy me a card, but there was no apology or excuse. While it was obvious to me, once again, that she didn't love me, I chose not to confront the elephant in the room. My marriage was obviously over, but neither of us wanted the conversation. Of course, i suspect that like all the other events the prior 10 years, she'd offer some excuse that i'd choose to accept rather than challenge. With some form of birthday PTSD, I now expect not to happy when my birth anniversary arrives.

Back to Nora, though.

It's not that i don't have issues with Nora. Like too many other relationships, i have a tendency to depreciate my own needs in order to make people happy. I'm not a person who wants to start a fight or cause friction in a relationship. I don't like rocking the boat, or maybe i'm just afraid to rock it because i fear that it may tip over and all will be lost. However, when i ignore my own needs, perhaps others think i don't have any.

The first issue involved a visit to my old friend, Beth. After more than 40 years apart, we finally connected last August during her visit to Las Vegas where she has a time share. My visit was brief because of my schedule, but we talked so much during our time together.

So, when she wrote me that she was returning to Vegas last month, i quickly accepted and made plans to drive there. Nora, upon hearing of my trip, asked to accompany me, which was fine because it would be nice for both my close friends to meet. However, over the course of a few weeks, the trip gravitated from one where i get to spend time with an old friend, to one that was more focused on Nora.

I purchased tickets to a show, asking Beth if she'd like to attend with us, but she declined. Then Nora started making demands, complaining that she wanted to have fun and didn't want to be bored while Beth and I caught up. Nora even demanded we stay an extra night in a hotel, since Beth was returning home the day i had planned to return home. Nora wanted to make this a trip for her, while i wanted to come home once Beth left. I should have been firm with Nora, since i'd made plans for us to go to a show and do other things together during our stay. It wasn't enough for Nora though.

The next event was a presentation Nora had to make to a business group she belongs to. Nora had no experience planning or delivering presentations while these were some of the skills i'd honed during my career, so several times in the past, Nora would come to my house and we'd spend hours brainstorming, researching, and constructing her presentations. While time consuming on my behalf, i was happy to help my close friend.

In early August, she announced her turn for another presentation was just a few weeks away and that she needed my help. No problem i told her. Just come over and we can begin work. Over the next several weeks, she procrastinated and since it's not my job to nag her or remind her of her obligations, i stayed silent.

The day before her presentation, she called me while she driving to a city nearby to play doubles with new friends, directing me to create her presentation since she hadn't time. Really? You're choosing to play tennis when you could spend the morning at my house working on it?

So, i spent a few hours brainstorming, researching, and putting together a presentation that i placed in Google Docs, sharing the document with her. When she returned home and read the document, she called me expressing disappointment. Really? This is my fault?

And so it goes.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 24, 2023

I am SO delinquent with my storytelling. I have many stories, mostly wonderful, from the past three months. I'll try to catch up in the next few days.

First an easy one.

I bought a Tiger

You all know i've had my pilot's license since i was 17 and that i'm currently part owner of a two seater, Cessna 150 which is a cute, fun plane mostly suited for day trips. It's slow speed (95mph), short range before refueling, and lack of luggage space means i've not been able to fly longer distances for weekend trips.

Not now though.

My partners and i have just purchased a Grumman Tiger, a four seater that can fly roughly 500 miles before refueling. Better, cruise speed is 160mph. We've entered new territory, one where Nora and i can fly up to Portland or down to Palm Springs.

Of course, we all need to be trained in this plane. While the basics remain the same, we'll each work with an instructor to get used to differences. My lessons begin next Thursday, and i anticipate it will take roughly three hours over several days to feel proficient. In the end, i'll spend whatever time is necessary to feel competent.

See, that was easy and short.

Another wonderful story tomorrow.

And so it goes.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 25, 2023

As promised, i'm catching up with all the stories that have unfolded the past three months. Enjoy.

Ladies Interclub Tennis

Of the many surprises this year, my second go at playing ladies team tennis, has been notable.

Having gone full-time three years ago, i was lucky that Yeng became my partner for Interclub Tennis that first year. Of course, year one was one where both my dreams and nightmares came true. I was bullied and hated far and wide, sending me into frequent depressions, as i've noted in this blog.

The positive view is that these experiences taught me much about myself and the ways i needed to change to continue my evolution. As i've shared before, transition consists of two tracks: medical/physical and social/emotional, the latter only possible once you've started living full-time.
Because of those experiences, Nora's guidance, and my hard work, I'm a different, better person now than i was then.

Even so, i felt some anxiety about playing on the team this year. After all, another club had filed a complaint against me just last March when i was a substitute. How would players see me now? Would i experience the same level of hate as before? Would clubs file complaints against me, as they had done before?

As it turns out, no (and this was a pleasant surprise.)

Now, it's possible that since i've been Laura for three years, people are beginning to get used to having a transwoman around. However, i think the real reason is that they see i'm a better version of myself now, someone who is kind and easy to be around.

At least, that's what other players have told me, and perhaps that's why it's been a bit easier to make and keep friends. More on that when i blog about my own Friendsgiving, which is in two weeks. Transitioning is a process that unfolds over years. It can't be rushed.

My next entry will be about a Friendsgiving i attended last week. My first, but not my last because i'm invited to another Friendsgiving the week after mine.

A few more steps on my thousand mile journey.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 26,2023

Well, @Rachel Montgomery, we've entered new territory with the Tiger, and while I love the extra speed and weight allowances, working with a CFI to become proficient is the only way forward. One of my partner's lessons begin Wednesday and mine begin Thursday and Friday. Fortunately, my work will also count for my Biannual.

I'm not thrilled about the castering frnt wheel, but i know i'll get used to it, just as i will to the differences between the 150, the 172, and the Tiger.

The Tiger's panel is mostly original except for a Garmin 430. Fortunately, there's a secondary radio so we can listen to ATIS and ATC at the same time. I'm generally not impressed with the 430, having used one when i flew 172s a few years ago. The 430 does allow our plane to be IFR rated, but alas i'm only VFR. Had the 150 been IFR rated, i'd probably have the rating right now, but given that i'm 72, i'm too lazy to invest the time for the rating.

The prior owner when the cheap way for ADSB out, using the wing-tip light, so our first upgrade will be a new transponder attached to a Stratus, which is what we have in the 150.

One bit of bad news is that the new plane won't fit into the 150's hanger. The wings will, but it's too tight a fit for the tail. So, it looks like we're stuck with the hanger the Tiger resides. Why stuck? It's the only hanger that has a downward slope you must traverse when taking the tiger out or putting back in the hanger. The slope is bad enough that the prior owner installed a winch to pull the plane back. Unfortunately, there are no other available hangers on the field.

However, we have a tiger and we're all excited.

Laura

[LauraE]

December 2, 2023

I was going to share a story about my first invited Friendsgiving, but i'll postpone that for something more fresh, my first flight in my Tiger.

We're fully in the holiday season, and my house has been decorated, within and without, since early November. For me, fully celebrating the season helps keep my mood up and reminds me of past Christmases when i was happier, when i was surrounded by family. I celebrate the season, but hate the actual day where silence pervades the house.

Holidays are like that.


First Flight

To acclimate to a different plane, we always work with a Certified Flight Instructor (CFI). Mine, a 78 year old former Air Force pilot and school superintendent, was perfect for the job.

In the 2.5 hours we flew together, we practiced a variety of maneuvers, which helped point out how different the Tiger flies than the Cessna 150 we also own. I can't tell you how many times I announced on the radio, "Cessna 7 Tango Mike ......" oh, the joy of muscle memory. Or not.

In many ways, the Tiger flies like a Cessna 172 with a 180hp engine. Wicked speed and climb rate and oh too easy to carry too much speed in the traffic pattern. We had previously met at his airport just to talk about learning styles, our experiences, and the importance of maintaining a reliable traffic pattern speed, with 85Kts on downwind, 75kts on base and 65 on final. Those speeds work pretty well.

After all the maneuvers, we practiced a number of landings at a small local runway, stopping after many to discuss any changes. This was helpful. Landings at at my home airport were different since the variety of trees at the end of runway kept getting in my head. I could keep 65kts, but once i flared, i tended not to focus down the runway. I'm not particularly worried because it's all part of the learning process to get used to a very different plane.

And, boy is she fun to fly.

We'll return to the sky next thursday to practice a few more landings before he signs me off on the plane.

I'd say it took 20-30 minutes to get used to where each of the instruments was on the panel, but there are also new things to check, but that's all part of coming up to speed with a different plane. In all, not too bad.

i love this plane.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

December 6, 2023

I love the holidays. Hate the actual day because i spend it alone, but oh, how i love the season.

Of my entire family, only my sister knows about Laura. I simply never trusted my other siblings or my mother, so we decided years ago to wait for mom's death before my sister told her two children.

With mom's death in September, that task was completed over Thanksgiving, and fortunately, both boys (my nephews) took it well. Today, my nephew's wife friended me on Facebook, so there's progress. More as this unfolds.

Preparations for my third Friendsgiving are moving along well. The house is mostly clean, fully decorated, and i've purchased most of the food/ingredients i need for Saturday. I'll pick up the crab Friday afternoon, and the sourdough bread Saturday morning. Eight friends are coming over for dinner, a white elephant gift exchange and then a few games. I'll write extensively about the party afterwards, but first i owe you a story about ....

My First Invited Friendsgiving

I made three new friends this year, which seems incredible. Laura P began becoming friendly after i joined the tennis team last spring, and she's been consistently nice and kind. Kay i found playing on the court next to me in early 2023 during a Monday evening group and by the end of the evening, i'd invited her to play in my Saturday group. That was the beginning of our friendship, which, like dating, is a slowly developing thing. I met Trinh (my crush) through her. All three women are coming to my friendsgiving this Saturday.

After playing in my group for a few months, Kay began inviting me to play Tuesday and Thursday evenings with her and her friends. I'm able to about half the time, but I appreciate the opportunity to spend more time with Kay and Trinh, as well as their friends.

On occasion, she's invited me over to her house for dinner and games. These haven't been frequent, but friendship is something you feed and build over time. Mostly the same people are present at these events at Kay's house: Kay and her husband, Trinh and her on again, off again boyfriend, Albert, Sam, a neighbor, and usually several other people.

Kay, being an extrovert, glides through these evenings seemingly effortlessly and because she's the ring leader of this band of friends, these evenings are always at her house. Now, this group gets together for other evenings and day trips, but i'm totally satisfied with where i am right now. She sees me as a friend, and as she told me recently, it seems like we've known each other for much longer.

Nice complement.

Kay's friendsgiving was two weeks ago, and besides the usual cast of characters, were several other people i'd not met, but who were also nice. Most of Kay's dinners are pot luck, which makes sense when you do this regularly.

After dinner, we played several different games, and then the group wanted to watch a few episodes of a Netflix series that i'd seen.

In all, a wonderful evening. It feels so nice to be included.

But as Nora tells me, friendships must be fed, meaning that both sides have to contribute and reach out.

Another step on my journey.

Laura

[LauraE]

December 10, 2023

I've had a busy holiday season, and while my Friendsgiving is over, next week is even busier. Besides my lesson tomorrow, i'm also playing Monday night in Sid's group, where i've recruited many players for my Saturday group and found some incredible friends. Tuesday is both electrolysis and a hair appointment. On wednesday, i fly again to practice landings in our new Tiger, followed by making my Filipino macaroni salad for an ornament exchange party on friday. Saturday is crazy with morning tennis, a book club luncheon with both a book and cookie exchange, followed by Trinh's Friendsgiving that evening.

I'm not complaining though. This is what i've dreamed of for years.

Laura's Third Friendsgiving
I'd been preparing for my friendsgiving for months and with eight people coming to my house, I had more tasks to accomplish. That's one reason i fully decorated my house in early November so at least that work was out of the way.

The old me never had people over, and while each of my Friendsgivings requires a fair about of preparation and work, i'm getting better at putting things together. Nora commented about this while we were debriefing the party afterwards.

Besides my past regular attendees, Laura p, Kay, trinh, and my tennis partner, Isa, came, which is the most people i've ever had to my house. And it felt amazing. I'm beginning to enjoy entertaining. There's nothing like the feeling of the house looking perfect just before everyone arrives: the house completely decorated, everything being perfectly clean, all the pre-dinner snacks and drinks being laid out for my guests, and all the food ready to cook or pull out of the refrigerator. Exhausting, but completely satisfying.

I'm including a few pictures, but mostly i'm going to share both my pre-dinner toast and a comment i shared on the text thread to this group afterwards.

Dinner was wonderful, with crab, two types of ravioli, sourdough bread, and a nice asparagus dish from a recipe i found a few months ago.

Afterwards, we talked and had our White Elephant gift exchange followed a game Kay and her friends play during her frequent parties, CodeNames. I wouldn't change anything about the evening.

My Dinner Toast
It's hard to believe it's been 60 years since i knew i was Laura, seven and half since i came out to my therapist, four and a half years since i gathered the courage to come out to Nora, and three years since i began living full time as Laura.

If you've known me during the past three years, you know the first year was dark, where all my nightmares came true. That time, those events taught me much about myself and how i could be a better person.

I'm a writer, so I've chronicled all my adventures during my transition, but i only share this because of my motto, which is on the bottom of all my posts. It goes, "When you are ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens.

You are all magic to me. I feel blessed to have all of you in my life and to able to call you friends.
—--
During the entire evening, everyone was taking pictures and sharing them on our party text thread, which is why i'm blessed to have a record of the evening. I'm sharing a few, because I continue to feel amazed that these people are my friends.

People continued to share their thanks the next morning on the text thread, but i'd like to share one of my replies to the group.

Laura's Group Response
Mr. Rogers (remember him?) used to tell children in distress to "Look for the helpers." Since transitioning, my mantra has been, "Look for kindness" which is how all of you have come into my life. As i shared in my toast, you all are magic to me and to be friends with you is a blessing I always dreamed of and continue to be surprised with.

Thank you all for coming. The old me never accepted invitations, nor invited people over, so to be at this point of my life, surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, funny, and kind women is what i had hoped for my entire life. Merry Christmas.



Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

December 24, 2023

Tomorrow is Christmas, a day I now dred each year. Back when I had family and loved ones, i looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas each year. Now, I do my best to fully enjoy the season, in effort to avoid thinking about the day itself.

It's been a good season, with my first invitations to various Christmas parties, two of which i'll share today.

Trinh's Friendsgiving / Laura's Ornament Exchange

On Friday the 15th, Laura P invited me and 34 of her friends to an ornament exchange at her house. I've not been comfortable socializing in crowds in the past, but i went because Laura is one of the three new friends i've found this year.

Her house was beautifully decorated and tables were perfectly set for all of us, with Christmas plates and decorations. Of course, food was aplenty since this was a potluck, and we all spent time taking pictures in front of her gorgeous Christmas tree.

And, yes, i managed to socialize with new people. Some of her friends stared at me, but i didn't let that spoil my time there. I had a wonderful time.

The following day, Saturday, was Trinh's Friendsgiving.

Trinh's house is about 35 minutes from mine, in a gated community. At 2300 sq ft, my house is cosy, but her 4300 sq ft house seemed massive by comparison.

Present where the usual cast of characters from Kay's group: Kay and her husband, Trinh and her on again/off again boyfriend, Kay's neighbor Sam, Josephine and Anne (both which i first met at Kay's Friendsgiving), and Tonya (a tennis player i knew from the club, but who turned out to be Trinh's long time friend.)  This is the cast of characters who often meet at Kay's house for her parties. They're also the group that travels together, often renting a house at a distant location and spending time together.)

That i've been invited to several of Kay's parties the past few months, still seems part of a dream.. Many of her friends also play tennis, so it's not unusual to see them when i play with Kay on Tuesday or Thursday evenings.

Trinh's party, also a pot luck, was amazing and i only left after midnight, once we'd eaten and played a series of games together. I also was surprised to spend time with Josephine, hearing part of her story. As we were chatting in the kitchen, she shared that Kay had already told her about me and that she felt comfortable talking to me. That felt nice. I've always been a thoughtful listener, so i think she enjoyed getting to know me too.

Am i now part of Kay's group? Will i continue to be invited to her parties? Frankly, i don't know. A few days after the party, they all traveled to Los Angeles, stayed in a rented house, and shared activities. I wasn't invited. I'm doing my best to keep my head up and stay positive. I know people come and go from our lives, but i'm hoping to keep these wonderful, funny, and intelligent people in my life next year.

We'll see.

Next week, i'll share about the highlights of 2023.

Laura

[LauraE]

December 30, 2023

<coda: below is a response to a comment by @Rachel Montgomery, which was lost in the Great Crash.>

You completely echoed what i was thinking Rachel, that i may be going through a Greek "rush".

I became acquainted with Kay early in the year, after seeing her kindness on the court next to me, asking her to play in my Saturday group. Over months, i was introduced to Paul, her husband, and Trinh, her best friend. Still, it wasn't until late April when she invited me to her house for a bunko party.

After that wonderful experience, i didn't receive an invitation until late September. At that point, i'd figured that she was just going to be a tennis friend. However, during all the preceding months, we had chatted during matches and shared little things about ourselves. I guess it took time for her to give me a chance with her group.

I fully enjoyed all times i played with them on the Tuesday or Thursday evenings, so that first invitation to her house felt special. Each time i was invited was with the same group of people, so it was nice to slowly get to know them on another level. Only during Kay's and Trinh's Friendsgivings did i meet Anne and Josephine.

So, has all of this been a test of whether i fit into the group, or is it just random? Will i continue to be invited, or even to be included in their weekend excursions? 2024 will tell and i have some thoughts about the future in my next post.

Thanks for sharing.

laura

[LauraE]

January 25, 2023

I'm now caught up with all my reposting, so my main blog and several threads are back.

Next in the queue are three posts, which still need to be written.
1. Kay's New Year's Eve Party
2. My Year-End Review
3. My anxiety about the coming year.

It may be the weekend before I post.

Laura

[REM.1126]

Yeah, I want a Tiger. I love my plane, and wouldn't trade it.  But, if my son wants to learn to fly, I'd see it as an opportunity for us to go halves.  A backup plane to fly when mine is in for service or waiting for a new engine would be awesome.

[LauraE]

@Rachel Montgomery

oh, what a gift to be a two plane family. Our Tiger cost $100K, so I'm glad we're splitting costs. We knew the operating costs would be higher, but were shocked that our insurance was 300% more than our Cessna 150. that's taking some getting used to.

There are currently three of us, but we're advertising for additional partners. Sunday, I'm taking Nora up for her first flight in the Tiger.

Laura

[LauraE]

January 25, 2024

Kay's new year's eve
Meeting Kay last year, mostly by coincidence, was a blessing. It was a slow build becoming friends with her, and later her gang of friends, so  I'm alway wondering when the bubble will burst. I'll save those thoughts for a post i'm calling, My Anxiety, with will be the mirror to my Year End Review, which is my next post.

I don't remember the last time I was invited to a New Year's Eve party, but i was so happy that Kay invited me to hers. Now, the majority of her parties are with the same gang of friends, mostly tennis players including her closest friend, Trinh.

Everything seems so easy with her. Her parties are pot lucks and afterwards we play a variety of games, with Trinh's on again/off again boyfriend often finding new and interesting games to play

Several guests arrived after 8pm but many of us earlier had dinner and conversation. Afterwards, was a surprise to me. I'd been to Kay's house perhaps five times, but this time, i learned something new about her. Leading us to one of her bedrooms, I found a complete Karaoke set-up and it was obvious that Trinh and Albert had been her before.

For the next hour or so we alternated choosing songs and embarrassing ourselves. It was great fun.

By then, the rest of the guests arrived which is when we began playing a variety of games. I've loved attending her parties and hanging out with Kay and her friends, and sometimes i wonder whether all this is just too good to be true.

Still, it was a marvelous evening. I so hope to be invited again.

Laura

[LauraE]

January 26, 2024

Finally, the first real posts of 2024.

The next two posts are opposite sides of the same coin, equal parts of who i am. Part of me is an optimist who refuses to give up, that gives people an extra chance, who is hopeful, who tries her best to be kind. The reverse side of the coin is pessimism and  loss, a feeling that anything good will disappear. That somehow I didn't deserve happiness. It's loneliness and emptiness.  But first i'll share the positive side of the coin.

Optimist Laura

Year End Review
2023 was an amazing year for me and perhaps a testament to my evolution as Laura. I survived the fires of the first 18 months, discarded some of my unattractive features, and tried my best to be the kind of person people would like to be around.

It was my reward for surviving and doing the hard work

Before this year, I had one friend, Nora, and one distant friend, Yeng. Yes, both Beth and Regina were back in my life, for which i felt thankful, but having local friends was something of a surprise.

I'd met Kay earlier in the year when she was playing tennis on the court next to me. When i'm playing in Sid's group, as i was that evening, i'm always looking for two qualities in people i might invite to my saturday group, which for some time had been my safe space: kindness and an acceptable game. I saw that in Kay, asked her if she was interesting in playing, and added her to my invite list. A few weeks later, she and Trinh began coming to my saturday sessions, and those brief encounters each week helped us slowly get to know each other.

It wasn't until April that she invited me to her house, and while i had a wonderful time there, no invitations followed for the next four months. Inside, i wondered if perhaps she didn't enjoy my company or whether i had made a bad impression. I really didn't know, but i continued chatting with her through out summer, and played with her and her friends in her city on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Maybe all these encounters gave me a second chance. I really don't know

I do know that once she began inviting me to her parties in late September, it seemed i'd been accepted into her group. I've shared in all these adventures in previous posts, so i won't dwell, but having her friendship, feeling included in her circle,  was one of the highlights of the year.

So was being accepted by Laura P, the queen bee of our tennis team. I had brief encounter with Laura P two years prior when Yeng and I beat Laura and her partner in the Interleague tryouts. By winning, Yeng and i played on to earn a place on the team, and Laura and her partner were removed. Only later did i learn that she'd blocked me on FaceBook, even though we weren't even FB friends at that point.

When Isa asked me to be her partner, Laura P began inviting me to play Monday mornings, and over the course of a few months, we learned a fair amount about each other. In the beginning, I was wary of her kindness. Mean girls can pretend to be kind to gather information about you, so it took about a month before i began to trust her and see that she was sincere. Laura really is something different: attractive, funny, random, and completely transparent. Later, it was easy to see why she has so many friends, so i've felt fortunate to be among them.

Regarding flying, My last flight in the Cessna 150, which had been in our LLC since 1966, was in May. Somehow, i couldn't motivate myself to go on flights. That is, until we bought the Tiger, which expanded our options and has been a joy to fly. A few posts away are two entries about flights i've taken with friends.

In all, a wonderful year, but clouds were on the horizon.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

January 27, 2024

And, now, the other side of my coin.

Tails: My Pessimism

In back of my head is always the feeling that all the good things that have happened will suddenly disappear. While i know this is a bit pessimistic, my life has been full of luck knocking on my door, and of people walking right out that open door. Since I'm used to losing people, i'm not really surprised when people leave my life or if i'm rejected by a group i want to belong to. As Woody Allen once said, "I never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member"


So, while 2023 was one of the best years of my life, part of me expects all these good things to disappear, as if I don't deserve them.  People have walked away from me before, so it wouldn't exactly be a surprise.

Kay
So, in back of my head is the feeling that Kay and her group will wander off, that i won't be invited to her parties, nor asked to participate in one of her travel adventures where the group travels and stays together. She, of all my newish friends, has potential to become a closer friend, someone similar to Nora. I've no clue, though, what's she's thinking.

Trinh is a bit more elusive. While Kay is definitely a Type A extrovert, Trinh is introverted. She is, though, someone i wish i could know better, but feels that she has already pulled away. Early on in our friendship, I developed a crush on her. She was so easy to be around, and she often engaged me in conversation. That ended sometime in September and she's been a little distant since then. Perhaps she senses my crush, or maybe she doesn't see a potential friend in me. I really don't know, but i've continued to be kind and sincere around her.

Interleague
I've so enjoyed being part of a women's tennis team this year. Whether it's practicing with them during the week, rooting for them on game days, or sharing lunch with them after matches, it's all been a joy.

What's not been wonderful is being Isa's partner. She and i play Line One, which is supposed to be the strongest pair on the team. I've been doing my part and i know I belong on Line One. Isa, though, doesn't. In prior years, she and her partner played Line Four, and still had trouble winning matches. In Line One, Isa is easily overmatched, and her decline in skills and movement is evident to many.

We've not won a single match this season, and i suspect the same will occur during the second half. While i love competing, I don't see us together as partners next season, which is why I've spent some time wondering who might partner with me next year.

The last time I looked for a partner, two years ago, I spoke to 14 women about partnering, and all turned me down, even though i'm a strong player. This time, while i'm a better person and more accepted at the club, I don't think i'll be able to find someone. I've already asked two women, both whom turned me down, and frankly, it's more than a little humbling to be constantly rejected.

Sign-ups for next season begin in March with try-outs starting in April, so there's a narrow window to be partnered. I doubt that anyone will ask me, and it's too painful to keep asking women, only to be rejected.

At least my cats love/tolerate me.

Laura