One New Life to Live

[LauraE]

December 4, 2020

Pronouns

I want to share that something that completely made my day.

I've been full-time for a week now, but my Friday doubles' group has know and accepted Laura since last summer. It's always been a bit confusing, name wise, for me to be Laura on Friday and then <deadname> with the larger tennis group on Saturday. This has led some of them to call me <deadname> by accident on fridays.
It's take some time for Laura to feel completely comfortable with the Friday group, and at times she's been much more quiet than <deadname>. Our group has played together for more than 5 years, and our banter has been constant and unyieldingly fun.

As Laura becomes more comfortable in her skin,  now that she's  full-time, it's easier for the group to remember to name her correctly. While we were playing today, i said something that <deadname> would have said. Playful bantering really that Laura has been working into. Shortly after, Person One, the first person Laura came out to,   referred to me as "she", as she was talking to her partner, which is something i've never heard. That correct pronoun made my day. i know it may seem silly, but it meant everything to me.
@Pammie, @Danielle, & @EllenW
Believe me when i say that the occasion was momentous to me. I even texted my friend afterwards thanking her. I'm glad that things finally clicked "between the ears" so i could live authentically and stop caring if people accept or reject Laura.

I've a very interesting story about today's tennis group i'll share next.

Laura

[LauraE]

December 5, 2020

Second Time with Saturday Tennis Group

While my Friday tennis group of just four players has known and played with Laura for some time, last Saturday I went full-time and introduced Laura to people who had previously known <deadname>. Today's 12 player group included four friends who knew Laura before, three who met Laura for the first time last week, and four players who were about to meet Laura for the first time.
And something happened with one of them that, four years ago, would have caused me to stop HRT, purge my clothes and quit tennis. It could have been THAT traumatic.

It didn't phase me a bit.

As i entered the courts today, i greeted my old friends as well as those who met me last week. For those who were meeting Laura for the first time, i went up to each individually and introduced myself. Now, my old friends are comfortable naming me, but some of the New To Laura friends are still a bit hesitant. I know this is a process for them. Even the conservative cop, whom i came out to last month and was quiet the first time we played together, now calls me Laura with ease. I know the New To Laura people will come around in time. In the meantime, i'm letting my confidence in myself shine through.
Two strange things happened today.

I must preface that we play four sets and have a different partner each set to make sure sets are balanced and we all have fun. It's always about fun and the bantering.
During the first set, my parter was a man who was new to Laura. As we were getting ready to play, he turned to me and said that i was pretty. Now, i've never considered myself attractive and while this interaction was strange to me, i can't say i was bothered by it. it's nice to be recognized.
The second incident though, was far different and took place during the second set when another New to Laura was on the court with me. This time, though, was different. I introduced myself to him, and after a few seconds, he literally fell to the ground laughing. Now, <deadname>/old Laura could have taken this the wrong way, feeling completely embarrassed and ashamed. I chose to rise above it and didn't show any emotion. I wasn't really bothered inside either and we began the second set.
Later, he apparently talked about this with one of my good friends, explaining that he thought my dressing up was a gag. My friend shared that it wasn't. After we finished the forth set, this man came over to me (he had been on another court) and apologized, explaining why he behaved so badly. Now, had a added a few words to my introduction, as my friends are encouraging me to do to provide some context, we might have avoided this incident.

So, next time when i introduce myself to a new person, i'll say, "Hi. I'm Laura. This is who i've always been and who i'll be from now on." That should do the trick. Oh, and the one new woman who met Laura today told my friend that she was happy for me.
so, yes, another extraordinary day.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

December 9, 2020

Name Change

Today i submitted all the forms to the court for my name and gender change. They'd been filled out for six months, just waiting for the space between my ears to be ready. Once i went full time, two weeks ago, and felt completely comfortable introducing myself to people who knew <deadname>,  I knew the time was right.

So, after playing tennis today with my good friends (all whom have known about Laura for at least five months), i drove down to the superior court clerk's office to submit the forms. It took some time for the clerk to review them, make small corrections that the self-help center had missed, and run my forms by her boss to make sure they were in order.

After about 30 minutes and $435, i was good to go, completely surprised when the clerk told me i should have the order in about 10 days. The advice i had read from CA's Transgender Law Center said it could take six to eight weeks, so i was a bit shocked/thrilled.
One strange thing happened though. As i was leaving the clerk's window, she had forgotten to give me copies of the application, so she called out to me, "Sir". Now, having just played tennis as Laura and presenting as her at the window, this came as a bit of a surprise and more than a bit disrespectful. I didn't let it bother me. Nor did i correct her. Like last Saturday when someone fell down laughing when they recognized me as <deadname>,  i decided not to care. I am who i am. i've finally gotten the "between the ears" thing right.

This small incident reminds me that my city and most cities south of me in the great central valley, received a grade of D from the Human Rights Campaign. That was one reason i was considering moving north where LGBT acceptance is greater.

i'm good though. i have friends who accept and support me. 

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

December 19, 2020

Several Stories For You From the Past Week

i've been mostly offline the past week, although i have returned briefly to post news stories. i'm enjoying this new role so we can celebrate our little successes while understanding our continued challenges.

A few weeks ago, Time magazine listed their Top 100 Books of 2020. I tore out the pages and stapled them so i could browse them for a few months to pick possible reading fodder. One of the books, by a science fiction writer i like, turned out to be book two of a trilogy, so i download both from my county library to my e-reader. Several days of binge reading followed.

Now, i've been thinking of baking Christmas cookies ever since @Danielle posted pictures of her baked goods and while <deadname> NEVER baked Christmas cookies, Laura definitely wanted to. So, after researching cookie recipes online, i downloaded three to beta test before i made them for my friends. These included what are called thumbprint cookies, snow ball cookies (also called wedding or Russian cookies) and traditional stamped cookies.

It turned out that the recipes were well designed although i did save some notes to the PDFs for the next time; little things like baking time (which mostly always needed to be longer), and adding a little extra milk to make the dough more pliable. So, last Wednesday after tennis was baking day.
Boy, did i use a LOT of dishes, but over the course of the afternoon, had great fun. Some were eaten almost immediately, so i knew i had to get these out of the house. Sugar is my heroin. If it's around, I'll eat it. On Thursday, I put together a box of them and delivered them to Person One, who lives a few blocks away. Here they are.


I also put together a plate of cookies for one of my neighbors. Now, i'd told my neighbors about Laura several months ago, but they've never seen her, even though i'm mostly fulltime. So, i walked across the street (as Laura), knocked on the door, and delivered them. To my surprise, the wife, who had answered the door, remembered my name and thanked me.

Now that i've got this down, i'll be baking more on Tuesday.
On Thursday, Laura ordered a Tesla Model 3, Long Range,  as well as a charger for the garage. While the car should/may be ready for pickup in one or two weeks, the charger gets installed by an electrician next Wednesday. How exciting.

Finally, a tennis story.
Today was the third Saturday playing tennis as Laura, last Saturday being rained out.  While, my Friday doubles group consists of friends who have known Laura for many months and know her whole story, Saturday doubles, with 12 participants, consists of many regular players while several people New to Laura appear each week. Today, two women who knew and have played with <deadname> were there.
As i began warming up, one of the women was on the court next to me, so i walked over to her to introduce myself. She was quite friendly back. The second woman was farther from me, so i didn't immediately have a chance to meet her. However, as we finished warming up, the group leader, who is Person Five, called us all together. He introduced me to the whole group and asked if had anything to say, which was a bit of a surprise. The first thing i did, was turn to the second woman to introduce myself. I then told the group that this is who i've been and who i will be from now on. I think Person Five was expecting me to give the "whole" story, but that's something i'll save for people who become closer friends.

Still, Laura had a good week.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

December 30,2020

My New Tesla Model 3, Long Range
Buying an electric vehicle (EV) is something I've pondered for several years. yes, i'm a firm believer that climate change is real and that we have to reduce our carbon emissions. Up to this point, though, EVs haven't really made sense to me because they were quite expensive and their range wasn't comparable to gas-powered cars, what we EV snobs call Internal Combustion Engines (ICE).

I truly believe the EV market hasn't hit a tipping point yet, but will within the next five years. Every car manufacture is investing in battery technology and planning EV models in their lineups. However, the era where you can buy an Honda Civic-type EV is years off and since Consumer Reports believes that you should never buy a car that's in it's first year of release, i would be 75 before EV prices come down dramatically.

Remember when LCD TVs cost $10 or more? Now you can pick one up at Costco for under $500. That's the power of mass production. Between that and research into more powerful and efficient batteries, i'm certain EV prices will come down from the stratosphere.

My car choice was fairly simple. Most of Tesla's models are too pricey for me, but the Model 3, which has been out for three years, has worked out most of its bugs.
Now, base price of the standard Model 3 begins at $38K, which while being pricey, only gets you 260 miles of driving. With this being my final car, i needed a car could cover more distance before recharging. That ability to get a 353 mile range added $9K to the cost. Yes, more money than i'd like to spend, but now that i've sold one of my rentals, paid off my mortgage and decided to stay here rather than move, i was quite content with this decision. Plus, i'm going to save a bundle on fuel costs.
I ordered both the car and a home charger on December 17th, with the charger being installed last week. Lucky me. My local electrical district pays a $500 rebate for installing a home charger, which turns out to be the exact price charged by Tesla. My only cost was for the electrician to add a 60 amp, 240V line and connect the charger.

EV's aren't perfect, and i'll talk more about this in another post, but i'd say that we're no where near the point where Danielle will buy one. Cold weather, particularly in a small town in Alaska, dramatically reduces battery efficiency and while Tesla's models have a battery heater and cooling, i'm hearing of a 30% reduction in capacity during cold winters in the US. Here in sunny California, i'm not too worried.

Yesterday, i took a bus from my town to the Pleasanton BART station and took the train just one station, which is two blocks from the Tesla dealership. Here's my first picture of her as i was preparing for my inspection.

More on the next post.


Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

January 1, 2021

Driving Tesla
This is part two of what is turning out to be a three part series. i promise the next and final post will be about the driving experience.

Regenerative Braking
If you've ever gone to Disneyland and ridden on the little cars in Tomorrow land,  you'll remember that the cars only had a gas pedal. You pressed it to go and when you lifted your foot off, the car slowed to a stop.  The  same happens in a Tesla. While we do have a brake pedal, regenerative braking allows the car to recapture some of the energy as you slow to a stop. i've rarely used my brake. Once you get used to slowly lifting your foot off the gas so the car will stop at the right place, it's fairly easy. In fact it really rewards more responsible driving so you'll get the maximum miles out of each charge.

i've never been a fan of automatic transmissions. All the cars i've owned in my life have been manual transmissions and what irked me about auto transmissions was that at intersections, you had to keep your foot on the brake so the car wouldn't creep forward. Now Tesla can be set to do the same thing, but most us choose the option of Hold, which keeps the car in place when you're at a stop, even on a hill.

Maintenance
Unlike gas cars, there's very little maintenance needed with a Tesla. Yes, i still have to replace the windshield wipers, the tires, and the 12 volt battery (i'm still confused why a car that has a GIANT battery needs a battery.) The only problem, though, is that the installed base of Teslas is still small enough that service centers aren't close to me. For my Honda, i can take my Civic to the Honda dealer in town (which i do) or to any of a variety of shops that cater to Japanese cars. Teslas, being entirely different, really require mechanics who know the specifics of our cars.
That may/should change as more cars are sold, but for now, i'll have to drive nearly an hour to the closest shop (which is the same place where i picked up my car.) Oh, the price we pay for being on the bleeding edge.

Headlights
While i'm past the days where i change the oil and filter on my cars, simple maintenance, like changing a burned out headlight, is relatively quick and cheap if you do it yourself.

NOT ON a TESLA.

Tesla headlamps are self-enclosed units and to replace them requires you to disassemble quite a bit of the car's frunk  and front bumper. I've seen the video and it's not for the light of heart. Headlight replacement by Tesla will set me back around $1K, far more than what it cost me to replace the lights on my Civic. Let's hope my headlights last for many many years.

Onward,

Laura May

[LauraE]

January 16, 2021

My Electrolysis Dilemma

Back Story
I first began electrolysis more than four years ago, shortly after i began HRT for the first time. For about eight weeks, i'd lather up my face with lidocaine, wrap my face in plastic wrap, and make the 20 minute drive to a local electrologist. It wasn't fun and i found the lidocaine wearing off sooner than i'd like. It didn't help that my pain threshold wasn't as high as others. I stoped electrolysis when, after six weeks on HRT, i stopped out of fear, something that would dog me for the next three years until i came out to my best friend. That really was the turning point in my transition.
During each of the many times the first three years i attempted to  to stay on HRT, never lasting more than six weeks, electrolysis didn't cross my mind.

Staring HRT in Earnest
i began my current journey on October 7, 2019. At that time, i began planning to erase my beard growth through mass electrolysis at Precision in Chicago. I'd done the research between them an T2000 in Texas, but was impressed by the great reviews i was hearing from Precision's customers. While mass electrolysis is more expensive, i liked the idea of two technicians completing about 15 hours of work in one day, while wonderfully sedated. While the downside might be the additional cost of the flight to Chicago and two nights at a hotel, the convenience of only growing my beard once every six weeks was highly attractive. Plus, i really wanted to get most of the work done before going full time.

Then came COVID.

There just wasn't a chance i was about to fly commercial with COVID raging until i had access to the vaccine and while i have hopes of getting it this March. At that point, i was planning to begin traveling to Chicago.

Today
Now that i've been full time for nearly two months, i feel my electrolysis options are more limited. If i choose the Precision route, i only have to be <deadname> four days every six weeks in order to prepare for electrolysis. If i were to return to weekly sessions, Laura would be out of commission for three-plus days every week. I could shave Saturday morning, play tennis, and then not shave until my Precision appointment on Wednesday. Laura wouldn't be able to go outside Sunday through Tuesday due to a growing beard. 

Because i'm full time, all my tennis friends now have been playing with Laura since last October. Precision preparation would cancel tennis for me on Sunday-Tuesday, limiting that week to playing only on Friday and the weekend, but that would be a small price. There's just NO way <deadname> is going to play tennis again, not after my friends have gotten used to being around Laura. Some of them still accidentally dead name me, not out of disrespect but because muscle memory can be difficult to change.
GCS Preparation

A few weeks ago, after jumping through a variety of hoops with Kaiser, i received a referral for genital electrolysis at a shop in the Bay Area, about a 70 minute drive from my home. After this work has been completed, which should take about one year, my GCS can take place. 

The other day, i called them to set up an appointment and ended up having an interesting chat with the owner, who is also MTF. She came highly recommended by Kaiser and uses the Galvanic method. My first appointment is next Wednesday. As  we talked, she asked about facial clearing and i shared my desire to complete this at Precision, which didn't go over well. This owner/technician has strong feelings against mass electrolysis and mentioned T-2000 (in Texas) as problematic. She was fairly convinced and suggested i also get a referral from Kaiser for facial electrolysis which could be combined with my genital work each week, effectively driving once to get two things done.

Which sounds like a good idea.....I have asked Kaiser for a referral, but i'm fairly (ok, completely) cautious. As i shared above, i'm full-time now and if i choose weekly facial sessions, Laura will be cancelled Sunday through Wednesday since there's just NO way  Laura wants go be outside or around friends with a 1-4 day beard. It's a little disconcerting.

Onward,

Laura May

[LauraE]

January 29, 2021

Tesla Review
I'm long overdue for a transition update, and while much has happened the past month, i promise a post soon. If you're a regular reader to my blog, you'll know this post will be long.
Today is my one month anniversary of owning a Tesla Model 3, Long Range, or as we snobs call M3LR. LOL. Now that i've driven it over a wide range of conditions, i feel i have a better perspective from which to post a review.

First, terms.
EV: Electric Vehicles
ICE: Internal Combustion Engines
i'm convinced that EVs are the future of ground transportation, and with GM now announcing that it will completely phase out ICE cars by 2035, the writing is on the wall for the industry. That's good news for research on battery technology that is lighter, more efficient, and cheaper. We're years away from the tipping point, but the end of ICE cars is in the not so near future.

ICE won't completely disappear, though. I still think that there are situations where an ICE is more effective, say in Alaska, and airplanes will never be battery driven.  Why?
It comes down to weight. My M3 weighs 4,000 pounds, much of which is from the battery, which affects tire duration by the way. My little plane carries 26 gallons of fuel and six quarts of oil, which comes to roughly 170 pounds. Any battery replacement would shorten range to a few laps around the traffic pattern before i'd have to recharge, so ICE is here to stay for airplanes.

Cost
It's certainly cheaper to own an EV. For comparison, my Honda Civic, which i sold last week, got around 37MPG on the highway and around 34MPG overall. At today's Costco price for fuel (2.95/gal), that comes down to around nine cents per mile, which doesn't include regular maintenance charges like oil changes. I drove my M3 887 miles over the past 30 days, including both city driving and four longer trips to the Bay Area. In all, the car consumed 220 Kilowatts of power from my home charger. At 15 cents per KW, the current winter rate in my town, that results in a cost of just under four cents per mile. My Civic would have consumed $77 of fuel, where my M3 used $33 of electricity.

Maintenance
Maintenance costs will also be lower. No more oil changes, radiator fluid, tune-ups, or belts to change. The few things that remain include windshield wipers and fluid, brakes and brake fluid, and the cabin filter. However, while i'll save substantially from yearly visits to maintain my Civic, my M3 should require service less often.  When the M3 does get serviced, i suspect the costs will be greater though. As i wrote about previously, changing the headlights, which being LED should last about 10 years, requires you to disassemble the front of the car to get to the light assembly. It's not for the casual user, so a trip to Tesla to replace the entire headlight will run around $1K. The cabin filter, which in most ICE cars is a fairly easy task to replace, is more difficult in a Tesla, requiring you to take off two panels inside the car. it's doable for me, but much less convenient.
Tires also are a greater expense. While my Civic's Micheline tires could last upwards of 80K miles, Tesla's tires, also Michelines, only run for around 25K miles. Why? I think it comes down to the car's weight which takes a greater toll.

Oh, and a side note about tires. Tesla neither carries a spare tire, nor a tire jack, which i found bothersome. While this may be a weight issue, a side benefit is that the trunk fairly large with a smaller storage space below. This is in addition to the front trunk, or frunk as we call it. The downside is dealing with flat tires, so i'm glad i've kept my AAA membership with it's 100 mile tow range. To deal with tires that may be leaking due to a nail or under pressure tires due to the cold, many of us (including me) have purchased a small compressor that attaches to the 12V port inside the car. It easily fits in my frunk along with a spare charger cable.

Operating System
I have a love/hate relationship with the Tesla operating system, or OS, which controls a majority of the car's systems. I think Tesla wrongly decided to move some functions, which in ICE cars are physical controls, to the OS instead. This has the advantage of making the dashboard cleaner, while creating a learning curve to use features as you're driving.

A great case in point are the windshield wipers, which on ICE cars are usually on the right stalk of the steering wheel. These are really perfectly designed because you can just twist the stalk to turn on and adjust the wiper speed as conditions change, without taking your eyes off the road. Not on a Tesla though.

To activate the wipers, you must press the Wiper icon on the OS, which pulls up the wiper menu. There you turn the wipers on and select the wiper pace. This wouldn't be so bad, but after you've made your choice, the menu disappears, requiring you to constantly reactivate the menu each time wiper conditions change. i've found this "feature" frustrating, something which could be fixed if Tesla would leave the interface up once the wipers are on. I really think the OS designers haven't considered the ergonomics of their interface. The only bright spot is that Tesla is constantly pushing out updates to all cars, some which have bug fixes while most have added features or improvements to the interface.  By the way, you can set the wipers to automatic, but i've found this feature problematic. The auto lights feature is far more accurate though.

The good news about the OS is that i have access to substantially more information about my car than in my Civic.

Visibility
Before my Civic, i owned a Subaru Forrester which was a perfect car for working on my rentals or going camping. I loved the forward, side and rear visibilities. Civic visibility forward and rear were fine but you really had to stretch to check your blindspots.  Tesla's forward visibility is great, but rear and side are a bit worse than my civic, partly because the trunk is higher causing a narrower window looking back. Yes, theres a back-up cam that's easily accessible on the OS, but i always feel i'm not getting the entire picture when i check the rear view mirror

Driving
The M3 is largely a joy to drive, with quick access to speed if you need it and a quiet ride that allows me to enjoy listening to music. Tesla's version of Cruise Control, called AutoPilot has two modes. In the first, you set the speed you wish to maintain. Within the OS, you also determine the amount of car lengths you'd like between you and the car ahead of you. So, if your set speed is 70 and you approach a car going 65, your car slows down to 65 and maintains the distance you've specified. i've set my car to a two second separation. Within the OS, you can also set an automatic cruise speed that is tied to the current road speed limit. In addition, you can increase or decrease  the speed In my case, i've set maximum speed at five MPH above the road limit. Once your speed is above 20MPH, clicking cruise control automatically directs the car to increase your speed your set limit. And, yes, those speeds are easily adjusted with a steering wheel roller button

In AutoPilot's second mode, the car does the above while staying within the current lane. It's a nice feature, but because Tesla now requires drivers to always have their hands on the wheel, it feels a bit redundant. If the car senses you're not paying attention, it first warns you and if you don't behave, it shuts off autopilot until your trip is finished.

There's so much more to say, but i've droned on long enough

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

January 29, 2021, Part II

My Name Change Complication
i'm feeling fairly frustrated and while i was going to write about the past month in another post, i need to vent.
First, as of last Friday, my legal name is now Laura, but i've also changed my middle and last names. My first and last name come from my paternal grandmother while my new middle name is from my fraternal great-grandmother.

Monday afternoon, i received one certified copy of the court order, while also mailing the court (since COVID has closed them) for five more certified copies.
From all my research, i know first step is to apply for a new/updated Social Security card. Because of COVID, SSA offices are closed so you have to either drop off your paperwork or mail it in. Following the directions, i completed SSA-5 which is the request for change and included a certified copy of my name change order as well as a copy of my driver's license.  I submitted these to their dropbox on Tuesday. In today's mail, i received a reply back with a note on my license copy saying it's not the original.

Say what? i have to give them my original driver's license? Once i do that, i have no ID if i get pulled over and no ID to show to the DMV once i go to change my driver's license. Completely perplexed, i phoned SSA for an answer. The unfortunate news is that since my passport expired last year, and i hadn't renewed it due to both COVID and my impending name change, my only picture ID is my driver's license. i'll need to resubmit my materials and license Monday morning, but am told i'll get the license back in about a week. Still not a great choice, but SS cards are a required first step before i go to the DMV.
In the meantime, i expect the five certified copies to arrive next week, so i'll need to use my ID this weekend to notarize a statement for my birth certificate change. Oh, the hassle that's just beginning.

Laura

[LauraE]

February 6, 2021

Update
Name Change
COVID thew a monkey wrench into the process for changing my name, but i'm still moving forward. On Monday, i dropped off a new application and my real driver's license to the local SSA. i've not heard back yet, but i'm hoping for my license to bounce back to me next week. The five certified copies of my name/gender court order arrived yesterday, so Friday i mailed the State to update my birth certificate as well as to order five certified copies of the new certificate. i'll need to wait for SSA to let me know all is ok before going to the DMV, my banks, etc.

Electrolysis
I began genital electrolysis last week,  and i'm pleased that sessions are two hours long with just a $5 co-pay. i've also received permission for her (the technician) to do facial electrolysis as well, so this week's session focused on my upper lip. She uses the galvanic method which is slower and while i do experience some pain at times, i'm thrilled to finally get the process going. Currently (no pun intended), i'm planning to do two facial sessions for every genital one. I can live with genital taking longer, but with 200 hours needed to complete facial work, i need to get going. i'm still planning to supplement this work with Precision in Chicago once i've had the vaccine.

Voice
I continue to have monthly online appointments with Kaiser's voice therapist. She's been quite helpful and i feel i'm making progress although i need to practice everyday. Last month, she recommended the app, Voice Tools, which is similar to Voice Analyst except it provides you real-time data about your frequency. This lets me stop and repeat a phrase if i notice my voice dropping too low so i can get it right. The only problem is that this is leading to a bit of voice dysphoria. My voice is noticeably higher now and i'm not used to it. Until recently, i hadn't even listened to my recorded voice because i was afraid of how it sounded.  My therapist pointed this dysphoria out and told me my voice is perfectly fine. I just need to keep practicing and listening to my new voice.

Life
It's hard to believe i've been full-time for more than two months now and that on the 18th, it will have been six months since my FFS. i'll provide an FFS update then.
I love flying and playing tennis as laura, practicing my voice when talking to air traffic controllers, as well as meeting new people each weekend in our Saturday group. Progress is one step at a time, and i'm pleased and thankful i'm at this point in my transition.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

February 28, 2021

Three Months FT
Today is the three month anniversary of going full time. It took me years to even be brave enough to tell one friend, and another 18 months afterwards to finally let the fear go, so i feel a bit proud I'm at this point. Many never make it here and I grieve for their pain.

HRT
Next week will be the 17 month mark since re-starting HRT and nothing has really changed in the past year. Yes, i'm losing muscle mass and my emotions are nicely softening.  Boobs are still an "A" cup, so sometime this summer/fall, i'll schedule a BA with Kaiser. Otherwise, i don't expect to update my HRT blog until the 18 month mark or beyond. i've recently posted a six month FFS post-op post to that thread.

Since going FT, my best friend says that i'm a different person; still funny, but more friendly and thoughtful. i'd have to agree. Those things were there before, but they're nicely enhanced now and the sharp edges of my personality have been softened. Once i learned my secret to going full-time, which is to not care what people think of my transition, i gained confidence and now carry myself happily when i'm outside. Yes, i'm certain i'm being "clocked", but living an authentic life is more important.
Every one who knew <deadname> has been gracious and accepting and while some accidentally <deadname> me while playing tennis, they always acknowledge their error. I do appreciate their efforts since some have known <deadname> for many years. I know it's an adjustment for them.

Not that i can say i've been embraced by the other women tennis players, but i have patience for that. (That is, women players haven't invited me to play in their foursomes, ut i know patience is required.) COVID has caused so many problems, tennis wise, and the tennis socials that would bring me around more people, have been canceled for the past year and beyond. I'm still hoping that when "ladies interclub" opens their try-outs in May, i'll be able to partner with another woman for the team.

Electrolysis
What a blessing that Kaiser covers electrolysis. While i met my current technician to begin GCS electrolysis, i quickly obtained permission to use her for facial work as well. While GCS is something i'd like, facial electrolysis is more important right now. I'll do my best to fit in some time for genital work, but the face takes priority.

My electrologist is a hoot. She's also transgender, so she totally gets what we MTFs are going through. I look forward to each Wednesday's two-hour session and now that the upper lip work is nearly done (thank God), we're making good progress. 

Name Change
Nothing happens quickly during transition, and the same can be said of changing your name. I'd done all the research and completed all the forms two years ago (i'm a bit of a planner).  It's hard to determine which event was happier: the day i received my name change order or the day my new driver's license arrived in the mail. There's something quite validating to having a photo ID with your new identity.

The majority of my major account name changes are either completed or in the process of being changed from my credit union and online bank, to my financial investments and birth certificate. <deadname> is slowly disappearing from my life. Strangely, the most difficult name change has been for my pilot's license, where the FAA requires me to appear in person at a local FAA office to present my new documents. Because of COVID, they currently require an appointment before arriving,  but after some nagging they finally contacted me and arranged for a Zoom meeting to complete the change. Oh, there were additional forms to fill out, scan, and send back, but i'm glad my license is updated now.
Now, I've never had to present my pilot's license since earning it more than 50 years ago, but all of us must carry it with us when we fly. Soon Laura's license will arrive in the mail.

My transition is far from over, for this is a thousand mile journey. However, since re-starting HRT in 2019, i feel like i've made steady progress towards the destination. 

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

March 7, 2021

The Mask
First, no comments please. i'm falling down a hole and have taken several steps backward, but the last thing i want/need is sympathy/empathy here. I just want a place to express what's happening. I'm a writer at heart and writing is how I truly explore and express my thoughts.
I should start out with the positive.

I'm Laura, legally and actually, a decision i don't regret. Not once. I revel in shopping for her, doing my makeup, and being authentic in public. I'm glad i found the courage to go FT 3.5 months ago. My electrolysis moves forward, one, two-hour session at a time, with another 190 hours or so remaining until my face and neck are clear and my pores have smoothed over. Transition is a process, but alas not a fast one. LOL. HRT continues and i love what it's done to my personality, taking <deadname> who was already sensitive,  but rough around the edges, to someone who is softer. I cry more easily now. The name change process continues to move forward, with many smaller accounts and my property titles still on the To Do list, but i'm chipping away at the pile. You never really grasp how many places your name is attached to until you have to change every single one of them. Got my new checks with Laura's name recently. <deadname> is slowly disappearing,

My friends, neighbors, and pilots have accepted me completely and while i have no control over what is said behind my back, Laura exists around them.

While i came out to myself nearly five years ago, my journey was greatly slowed by my fears. Would my friends accept me? Could i ever be passable? Will people stare at me in pubic or would they perceive me as a woman and leave me alone? Would i ever see Laura in the mirror?

I was never brave enough to not care about these fears and just move forward. Each time i took a step forward, these fears eventually pulled me back. It was, and often still is, a lonely existence. It just that i cry more easily now when my fears pull me backwards.

I've taken so many steps forward the past 20 months since coming out to a good friend. During that time, i began to learn how my close friends didn't care about my transition, accepting me unconditionally and cheering me to keep moving forward. I restarted HRT, had FFS, changed my name, and eventually decided to not  care what others thought; to carry myself proudly and authentically when out as Laura. Being accepted and being passable are two different things though.

In some ways, i wear a mask. From the beginning, i've been terrified that i'd never be passable, that people would clock me easily and whisper behind my back. That fear didn't completely disappear when i went FT. I primarily decided to put on a mask and believe i didn't care what they thought. That's what gave me the energy/courage to carry myself proudly as Laura.

The mask is cracking though and has been for several weeks.

FSS was a critical step for me and while i know it doesn't work miracles, i was happy that it softened some of <deadname's> rough edges. Six weeks after surgery, i began to see parts of Laura in the mirror, more so after i'd dressed, done my makeup, and put on my wig. That's when i gathered the courage to be Laura outside with the friend's who i'd come out to. In most of the pictures i've taken and posted here, i was beginning to see Laura and believe she could blend in.

However, without these accessories, it's largely <deadname> i see in the mirror, not Laura, and that's the main source of my pain. I was able to not care for 3.5 + months,  but with the mask cracking, it's harder to hide my pain and fear, at least inside the house. Outside, the mask is still working, for now.
And it's more than not seeing Laura in the mirror before putting on my make-up and accessories; it's that i'm having a much harder time seeing her afterwards. My perception of what/who i look like shapes my reality. A while back, i wondered if i was brave or delusional for moving so far forward in my journey. Perhaps is been both.

Now 6.5 months post FFS, the face i have is the face i've gotten; HRT and FFS have taken me as far as they can.  Electrolysis will help just a bit, but i'm not going to become more passable from this point forward.

And so the mask begins to crack.

Again, no comments please.

Thank you for reading and for being here. Susan's has always been a safe space where i can bare my soul as i trudge the path forward.
Another post immediately follows.

Laura May

[LauraE]

March 9, 2021

Act vs. Act
30 years ago, i was in the middle of team that was writing its first technology plan for our district. I'd  finished my Masters in Educational Technology at USF and was regarded as one of the tech leaders in my district. The writing team was led by our Director of Curriculum, Marilyn H, who turned out to be one of my first mentors.

There was conflict though. Our plan was being heavily influenced by the district superintendent, who had connections with a technology company who promoted a very early version of what would evolve to be e-learning programs, but what we teachers had nicknamed as "drill and kill programs." I was fighting what was turning out to be a losing battle and had become frustrated that our plan would not be more student centric.

Eventually, i met personally with Marilyn H about my concerns, knowing the battle was lost. It was that day, 30 years ago, that she told me this, "Faced with a situation, if you can make a difference, Act (as in take action). If you can't, Act (as in perform as if everything is all right.)" Those words have stayed with me all this time, though many battles, some that i was able to act on, and some that i had to perform through.

That's where i am today too.

When i came out as Laura to Person One, i began to gather the courage to Act (take action), which led me to assemble a new wardrobe, re-start HRT, complete my FFS, work on my female voice with a voice therapist and change my name. Going full time, though, was more of an Act (performance). With encouragement from my good friends, becoming Laura 24/7 was part action and part performance. Then, and now, i love assembling costumes, applying my make-up, and doing my best to perform as Laura when outside. Because i had trouble seeing her in the mirror, Laura was, and still is, performing. yes, she has the costume down pat and her voice seems authentic, but she's quite insecure about whether people see her as female and not someone just dressing the part. The mask has been an important shield for me these past 3.5 months, protecting me from my own insecurities. Up until now, i've had no clue whether my performances were believable or whether the audience has seen through my disguise. In many pictures i've taken, I see her clearly, even though the mirror tells me otherwise. As the mask began to crack, it's become much harder to see her, even after she's dressed for her performance.

i am still down but the performance will continue because Laura can not return to the beginning. I am her.  Laura spent three years living in fear, always returning to before the first step. Regardless of whether my performance is believable, i am a better/happier person as Laura than as <deadname.>
And so, i'll continue to Act (take action) where i can; electrolysis continues, breast augmentation is in the future, and i've arranged an appointment with my FFS surgeon both for a follow-up and for his advice for revisions and a face-lift, which he'd recommended during our first consult. I will take action where i can and until Laura reappears in the mirror, i'll continue to perform, doing my best to hide my pain and insecurities.

I want to personally thank Person One, who is reading this post. She's not a member here, but i share links to some of my posts so she can continue to learn what's in my head. She knows all my stories about why i feel insecure at times, but it's her friendship and encouragement that have helped me the most. It's why i chose her as Person One and i'll be forever thankful both for her friendship and for the times she whacks me on the side of the head when i'm wrong. That's what friends do.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

March 20, 2021

The First Day of Spring
I've continued to buy clothes and now that spring and summer are upon us, i thought a few hats were necessary. I do like the look and i'm looking forward to more of the clothe i ordered from Alex Mills
It's completely perplexing to me, too, that they'd accept my evidence a month ago and then change my name back. it feels fairly bothersome.

i've hunkered down and have sent them a formal letter with more than ample evidence, so hopefully we can correct that mistake.

Name changes seem to have some problems. For example, i changed my name with AAA and a few weeks i received snailmail addressed to Laura with my new AAA card, which had <DEADNAME>'s name on it. oh, just another day in paradise.

After crashing hard for three days, i'm trying to slowly dig my way out of the hole. Of coruse, it didn't help that one of my friends <deadnamed> me twice within several minutes when were talking on the phone. I completely lost it emotionally at that point and had to bury myself under the covers.
Today, at least i was able to play tennis with a 12-person group that has all accepted Laura, so while my mood began fairly somber, three hours of tennis helps tremendously. So did listening to music at home afterwards. I was going to finally get back to catching up on yard work, but sitting on the couch listening to Harry Styles album helped more.

Thank you all for helping.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

March 26, 2021

Person One
I've begun noticing a few friends that have slipped away. Originally supportive and nice, i find myself now excluded from their weekly doubles group, replaced with someone else.
My one steady friend, one i confide to, is Person One, and so as not to push her away, i purposefully limit my chats with her to every few weeks. This story is about our chat last week.

My Costco Story
Last week, i arrived at my local Costco and put my COVID mask on before leaving the car, which was parked close to the cart bin. In front of the bin was a family of four: a grandmother, what i assumed was her daughter, a small child, and a teenage boy. As i approached the bin, they were in front of it, in the process of putting the small child in the cart. I stood at a social distance for about 30 seconds, waiting for them to move so i could get my cart.

Finally, the grandmother, sensing my waiting, began turning towards me as she said, "there's a guy..." and stopped mid-sentence as she saw me. The family quickly departed towards the store. I got my cart and followed after them. During this time, the grandmother was chatting with her family when the teenager turned around and stared directly at me.

I'd been clocked.

While wearing a mask. Now, i didn't show my discomfort, although i felt uneasy inside.
When i shared this story with Person One, she was frank and said i needed to be prepared that i may never be passable. Believe me, this has been one of my triggers since i still can't see Laura in the mirror, with or without make-up. I know things will improve slightly after i've completed electrolysis and gotten a facelift or any revision FFS procedures.

My friend accepts me completely and encouraged me to carry myself proudly. As she talked, i heard echoes of Danielle speaking. She's right, of course.

Still, i don't like to be stared at. This journey is hard enough without knowing friends will drift away and people may be mean. I'll keep the mask on, though, and live my authentic life. i've come too far to give up.

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

April 9, 2021

Updates (This will be long, as usual). LOL
At 18 months on HRT, nearly eight months post FFS, and 4.5 months full time, every day is a new adventure. Having friends that accept me and having Susan's as a forum to express myself, i am content with who i am. Certainly, i'd love to have been free enough to transition when i was young, but here in 2021, we all stand on the shoulders of those who blazed the trail for us. Our community still faces hurdles put up by lawmakers, but our progress forward continues to inspire.

FFS
One of my challenges has been the difficulty in seeing Laura in the mirror, and that put me in a hole for a bit. When i look at the whole picture though, i'm proud of the progress i've made, and i take joy in so many little things, like buying new clothes, meeting new people during tennis, and the absolute acceptance i've received from my neighbors.

Still, it's better to take action if you see a hurdle, so next Friday i'll be meeting with my FFS surgeon to review my progress and ask for any revision work that he recommends. I know he had recommended a face lift during our initial consultation two years ago, so that's in my future too.
Figuring out how to go around a problem is how i determine what actions are possible. i've used this model for other obstacles as well

HRT
At 18 months on HRT, i know a BA is in my future too. While my Kaiser doc shared that i could consider a BA last fall during out last appointment and noted that the waiting time is about four months, i've learned recently that the waiting list is closer to one year. i'll be contacting her to obtain a consult for BA so i can get in line.

Electrolysis
Thinking of the race between the tortoise and the hare, electrolysis can be done quickly at a mass electrolysis site, like Precision in Chicago, or done more slowly with a local technician.
I finally began electrolysis two months ago, driving the 65 miles from my home into the Bay Area for a two-hour appointment each Wednesday. the work is slow, but i really like my technician who is also trans. she's really thorough and while i could be "under the needle" for two years, i'm content that we're making progress. i'm also fortunate that she only needs two day's growth, so i'm not experiencing the amount of dysphoria i had anticipated. i'm also content that i'm able to shave those areas on my face that aren't being worked on.

Tennis
This has been an area of concern the past month for two reasons.
First, because of COVID, i'm not playing as often as i like. Pre-COVID, i was playing four to five days each week, including my Monday Singles' match and a Friday foursome that i'd been part of for six years.
Then, one of our foursome got a tennis injury that kept her from playing for two months. During many of those Friday's, we brought in an alternate player to take her place, but around the holiday's, the group stopped meeting, with the leader saying he was busy....

For a time, i took the initiative to reach out to people to create a friday foursome, but even after our injured player returned, both she and the leader were always busy each Friday (they both still work). Eventually, i found out that the leader had reconstituted the group, excluding myself and Person One. I have to say that this felt very hurtful. The Friday group kept me going during my three-year divorce (oh, that's a whole story) and they were the first people who learned about Laura. Knowing that i'm no longer included stings.

Oh, i'm still taking part in the 12 member Saturday group, also organized by the leader, but for too many months, i was only playing twice each week.
It wasn't enough, both because my skills were getting rusty, but more importantly, because i sorely missed being around people.

So, i decided to go around.

In this case, i joined a public tennis club that's 30 minutes way. Dues are quite cheap, but they also have a separate women's group that puts on monthly women's tennis socials. This is the same group that organizes an Interclub team for their club that i'll talk about next. My first social with them is next Friday morning, after which i'll drive to the Bay Area for my FFS follow-up. The best thing about joining this group is that no one there knew <deadname> so even if they clock me, they'll have no institutional memory of who i used to be. i'm hoping that by meeting new people, i can both find new playing opportunities and make new friends.

Secondly, Interclub
Ladies Interclub is a competitive league where players from your club play other clubs in your region. In my club's case, six clubs participate with most clubs fielding two "A", two "B" and once "C" team, with each team consisting of 10 players or five double's teams. Playing in Interclub has been a desire since i first came out five years ago, partially because i'd be playing regularly but mostly because it's a way to make friends.

Most teams have tryouts in May for a team that will play from September until April.
About a month ago, the sign-up sheet for tryouts was posted at our club, so i placed my name on it and waited. After a few weeks, no other single players added their names although many two-member teams had added their names. Feeling frustrated because i had no way to find out who was in need of a partner, i began contacting some of the team captains to see if they knew of women who were looking. Several didn't respond and those that did were't helpful. It's hard to know at this point which is harder: breaking into Ladies Interclub or breaking into Fort Knox. That latter is probably easier.

So, i decided to go around.

After reasearching the other clubs that were part of the league i found that one of the clubs, located 30 minutes away, also had a team as well as monthly women's socials. So, i joined their club, signed up for their April social, and inquired about playing on their team. Next monday, their club pro will evaluate my skills so the league leaders will know where i should be placed, IF they can find me a partner. Yes, i know there's no guarantee that i'll be able to play with their team, but at least i was proactive. In addition, they'll know i exist since i'll be participating in their monthly socials.

One step forward at a time.

Onward.

[Northern Star Girl]

@LauraE
Dear Laura:
I am enjoying reading your resurrected pre-site crash postings... lots of fond memories
for you and certainly for me as one of your avid followers.

I will be eagerly checking your Blog thread and elsewhere around the Forum for your
future postings...
... and keep digging up and posting your pre-crash posts as you find them.

Many HUGS,
Danielle

[LauraE]

January 20, 2024

What Was Lost Has Been Found

At some point after I joined Susan's, I began crafting all my postings in Evernote, with separate notebooks for each of my topics. I'm able to reconstruct my blog because all my original writings were still available to me in Evernote. Now, I'd moved all of my blogs postings to Google Drive some time ago, as the medium was a bit easier, so I'm currently in the process of copying and pasting three years of posts back to Susans.

Now, today I found that the initial postings about my side thread, Laura's FFS Journey, are still posted at Susans, but because the January 1 crash erased more than three years of posts, most of that thread is missing.

Until now.

While poking around Evernote today, to see if any of my threads were there, I found both my FFS and Breast Augmentation posts. Not everything is included, but there is enough to reconstruct both threads, which I'll do after I complete my blog entries.

Good News, indeed.

Laura May

[Northern Star Girl]

@LauraE
Dear Laura:
Yes indeed, very good news that you reported regarding your efforts to
re-issue your pre-crash threads... Laura's FFS Journey and your
Breast Augmentation thread. 

I am glad that you were able to dig them up from your records and previous
saving of your files on Evernote.

I will be looking forward to reading your reconstructed threads.
HUGS,
Danielle

[LauraE]

April 16, 2021

A Surprise Story

While i have two other stories i want to share with you, including my follow-up FFS visit, i wanted to share this short story that touches my heart.

First history
I spent my career in education, with my first 20 years in the classroom. It was during this time that i became an early adopter of using technology to teach, which led to many wonderful leadership opportunities in my district. Eventually, i moved up the food chaing and to the county office of education where, eventually, i led a state-funded educational technology project.

All along, I was a member of Computer Using Educators, a CA group that put on two conferences a year and was mecca for us ed techies. After i joined the county office, i ran for and became a member of the CUE Board of Directors and after two years, became board president. To my surprise, after i retired, the Board awarded me their Platinum Award, the highest award granted by CUE. That plaque is displayed on a shelf in my family room, even though it shows Dead Name.

Well, tonight i received a text fro a current board member, one of the many people who were friends on <deadname's> FB profile and who came over to Laura's profile on the Day of Visibility. In her text, she mentioned that she knew i had won the Platinum award and would like to ask the board to reissue it in Laura's name. Now, the award is roughly 8x10 and is granite, so it's fairly hefty. But to be acknowledge as Laura on the award and in CUE's archives is most touching.

More stories later. It's been a busy week playing tennis, including two matches Saturday. Sunday, i' hoping to fly out to Half Moon bay for lunch.

Laura May