One New Life to Live

[LauraE]

January 19, 2024

It was quite surprising to open Susan's today to discover that my entire transition story had been erased. My entire blog, carefully crafted over the past several years,  all the amazing and kind responses, and my side threads, particularly "Should I Stay or Should I Go" are lost to the wind.

Fortunately for me, I'm a writer and nearly all my blog posts were drafted first in Google Docs.
Lucky? Hardly, but at least I can now rebuild part of the journey I've taken the past several years.
The good, bad and ugly will be reposted.

For me, writing is how I understand, and I hope the stories I'm telling are helpful.

Onward,

Laura May

[davina61]

Nice to see you back dear, I look forward to reading your new adventures.

[LauraE]

Thus begins the start of my blog reposting. Warning. My blog Google Doc runs 167 pages.

Estimated Date: August, 2020

I've been pondering about the two paths outlined in my Stay or Go thread. One path would allow me to stay in my current city, in a house and neighborhood I love, and an alternate path that would take me to a city about an hour north which is much more LGBT friendly. This is certainly a difficult decision, so I'm giving myself enough time to explore both paths.

Staying would mean several things, including coming out to my neighborhood, as I'd be leaving the house more often, if not all the time, as Laura. Taking this path, were I to go full-time, would impact, and possibly remove playing tennis at the club I belong to. My best friend, the first person I came out to and a fellow player, believes that while some people at the club will be accepting, the women will largely be critical and will tend to talk behind back. Can I handle playing as Laura when I've played as <dead name> with these same people for many years? Can I handle being rejected by my fellow players? Will I have to stay <dead name> when playing tennis, while being Laura the rest of the time? Can I handle running into one of my tennis friends at the store when I'm Laura and they're unaware of my transition?

All good questions, but ones I need to ponder if I want to stay. To explore this path, I'm taking @SarahC's advice to come out to a few people at a time to test the waters. This will allow me to take the temperature of fellow players about whether I can stay. I've asked my best friend for her advice about which
Low hanging fruit to start with.

Path Two would require me to sell my house and rentals and move to a more accepting city an hour away. I've begun to investigate this path as well, looking at current sales and new construction. I plan to drive up there today to check out a new house that has potential. I've also put one of my rentals on the market to free up cash for a sizable down payment, should I take this path. Important questions to consider: How will I feel about joining a new tennis club in my new city, where the tennis pro there previously was the pro at my local club? Can I make new friends as Laura? How will my new neighbors adjust/react to Laura? Will I be able to pass and blend in? My best friend questions whether I won't pass. She thinks I look fine now and with FFS, I could hopefully reach a tipping point in my confidence about my appearance.

I won't make a final decision for several months and might wait until after my FFS. Time, and reactions, will tell.

Laura

[LauraE]

Estimated date: August 2020

Getting a réponse from @Danielle is like finding you have one more oatmeal raisin cookie that you've forgotten about.
It's a welcome surprise.

The last few weeks I've become more aware of the emotional effects HRT has had on me. Always somewhat sensitive, I've found myself shedding a few tears when something touches me deeply, as Danielle's response to my post did today. I know how busy she is, even though tax season is finally over, so I do appreciate the time and effort she took to write a long, supportive response. I'm currently reading Catlyn Jenner's book and plan to drive an hour north to look at some new home construction in another hour or so.

In the afternoon, I drove an hour north to a bustling suburb to tour a model home I've scoped out online. I was not disappointed. In fact, touring the home only made me feel more comfortable with a possible decision to move north. Yes, there are still a variety of factors to consider: friends, a wonderful current house and neighborhood, and my tennis friends, so I'll be taking a few months to weigh both path one and path two. In the meantime, I've comforted that the development I'm interested in won't be sold out for another year. I have time, should I wish to build the model I'm in love with.
   | 

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

Estimated Date: September 2020

Sometime in the near future, I'll reach a fork in the road where I'll have to decide whether to stay in my current city or move to a new city, an hour north of here. I've scoped out a new house I'd build in a nice development, but so many variables cloud the path to the fork.

Everything is dependent on how I feel after my FFS, which had been scheduled for June 16th. Had COVID not reared its ugly head, I'd be mostly recovered now and ready to judge whether I'd pass sufficiently to be Laura 24/7. That elective surgeries still seem to be on hold, I've no idea when this life-changing event will happen. October? December? March? It's almost too much to bear. Stay here and tough out 24/7 knowing I'll certainly be rejected by many tennis club members, or cut all ties and start over as Laura in a new city?  Stay and be Laura part time, remaining <deadname> when playing tennis? I know from others here that once the 24/7 itch happens, being just part time becomes increasingly painful.

Adding difficulty is knowing the longer I wait to make the call, the less likely that the development I've chosen will have houses left to sell. Yes, there are always more developments, but the house I've found is the best choice at a price point I'm happy with. Houses in this new community are much more expensive than in my current city, so I'd be scaling down to 1800sf. The floor plan is wonderfully open and I know I'd be happy living there.

Still, leaving behind a city where I've spent nearly 2/3 of my life is a tough call and the FFS delays are making my decision all the more difficult.

Onward,

Laura

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks for coming back Laura!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[LauraE]

September 20, 2020

One Year
Next week, I'll celebrate one year on HRT, which seems amazing to me given that fear had me starting and stopping HRT repeatedly the prior three years. That I've been able to stay on this path and make steady progress forward is a testament to the support I've felt from my friends and the Susan's community. I must say that I feel incredibly lucky and, as they say, when luck knocks at your door, let it in.

It's been a momentous year and while I'm not totally thrilled with my breast development, I have much for which to be thankful. I've come out to eight people so far, the first being during the summer of 2019. Her support and encouragement was one reason I restarted this journey last October. A separate, One-Year on HRT story will be posted next week. This summer, I came out to three more tennis friends, all whom I play doubles on Friday mornings, and two neighbors. (I figured that if Laura was going to start making appearances outside, my neighbors, most whom have children, should know.

Everyone I've told has been incredibly kind and accepting. Several told me they had trans relatives.
Laura has mostly been an indoor creature though, but being so accepted and loved by my friends helped  nudge me outside, twice this week. On Wednesday, my good friend, who was the first to learn about Laura, had her 41st birthday and while I had plans to fly her to Half Moon Bay for lunch, the weather and smoke from CA's fires forced a cancellation. Instead, we drove to a nearby town, went shopping, and had lunch together, my first time as Laura in a restaurant. We had a ball, although I did notice that several people "clocked" me. It was easy to spot, but their direct looks were of short duration and weren't repeated again during lunch. That people can be respectful helps maintain and grow my confidence about being out as Laura. My friend reminded me that the more confident I am of myself as Laura, the less people will be able to eight clock me or upset me if they do.

Today, Friday, the remainder of my close tennis friends met Laura for the first time, as we played doubles. Their love and support, as they got used to calling me Laura, made me feel SO comfortable and at ease. Two courts away was another couple who normally play singles every Friday. During our doubles match, I kept noticing stares from the woman's husband; While it was obvious that he had he clocked me, it and it didn't keep me from enjoying being Laura, it still affected me. When I told my friends about the stares, they reminded me that self-confidence will allow me to stop caring about stares. BTW, in trying on Laura's tennis clothes yesterday, I noticed that she has more tennis outfits thank <deadname>. Not just that, I also realize that I wanted MORE outfits. LOL
From here forward, Laura will play with our regular tennis group on Fridays, while <deadname> will play other days. Our Friday group doesn't play at our tennis club, making this an easy opportunity to not be outed by other members. Being out and about as Laura is an important part of my transition and while it took a long time to reach this point, I'm feeling the desire to go out more.... From other postings on Susan's, I know this is fairly normal. Would I love to be FT some day? Certainly, but I'll continue moving at my pace while HRT keeps working its magic and swelling from my FFS continues to go down.

FFS was another milestone during the past year and all my hopes and progress are noted on my FFS thread.

We all stand on the shoulders of giants; Those MTF who have come before us, our community at Susan's, and the people who we surround ourselves with. I wouldn't be at this point in my transition without them. My thousand mile transition journey began four years ago and until a year ago, I had only taken a few steps. Now, I feel as if I'm miles down the road. Yes, I have many miles to go, but having moved this far forward makes it easier to continue to the journey.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

The first time Laura actually made her first public appearance was on Nora's birthday, September 30, 2020. At that time, I'd come out to around six people, but since my FFS in August 2020, some people were beginning to ask questions. Below is a my message to a person (name forgotten) who was suspicious and had asked Nora what was going on. She alerted me so I reached out to this person.

Estimated Date: October 4, 2020

This is Nora's friend, <deadname>. She told me yesterday that you've figured things out last weekend. She didn't respond to you because she's known for more than a year and is protecting my secret. If you pull her aside today and tell her that she was the first person, she can confirm. When you have 20 minutes or so today, please call me so I can share my story and beg you to keep my secret. I'm so afraid of this getting out of control before I'm ready.

<This person responded, but those details are lost. My reply to her is below>

You are too kind. Thank you. I appreciate knowing that someone else enjoys my writing
The funny thing, though, is that, having ADD, I never understood writing in K-12. The structure completely confused me and my essays were embarrassing. It wasn't until my junior year, when my English teacher asked us to keep a journal, that I discovered I could enjoy writing. Along the way, my writing voice began to be formed as well.

Still, I didn't become a writer until I began teaching and participated in UC Berkeley's Bay Area Writing Project, which teaches teachers how to teach writing. Not only did I become a much better teacher, I found an organizational structure that allowed me to begin loving writing. My voice, in turn, matured as well.

Around the same time (the early 80s), I became heavily involved in technology. The simple act of writing with a word processor changed my writing as well. Gone were the days when my thoughts would disappear halfway through handwriting an essay. Now I could write at the speed of my thinking. The ability to edit my work, as I'm doing right now in Evernote, made a difference too.

So, thank you.

Laura May

[LauraE]

11/1/2020

Lately, I've been contemplating when to go 24/7 and while I'd planned for a spring, 2021 reveal, I'm leaning towards doing it earlier. Much earlier. In my quest to answer the "Should I Stay, or Should I Go" conversation from another thread, the only way I'll know I can stay is by finding out what happens when I DO go full time at the tennis club.

Since I came out to myself four years ago, one of the drivers of my fear has been what would happen when i begin playing tennis as Laura at the club and I attempt to be part of the Ladies' Interclub tennis teams. I've always felt this would be good way to make other women friends, but, as my best friend has told me, there are some mean girls there who would be a problem, both to my face and behind my back.

The other day, when I was playing tennis with two friends who know Laura, we again discussed when I should reveal and go full-time. They've been encouraging me to make the jump and as we discussed my feelings, I shared that when I begin Laura full-time, I'll want to be part of the inter club. Their reactions scared me as they both cast doubts about the possibility. How could Laura, who is genetically a man, be allowed to play in the ladies team? What hurt more was that Person One, the first person who I came out to and who has been a great supporter, also echoed these doubts.
The conversation rattled me the remainder of the day.

Once rattled, I sought to find out the United States Tennis Association (USTA) regards trans players and I was pleased that they're explicit about their guidance in a document, "Transgender Inclusion Policy"; If you're trans, you've declared your new gender AND you're currently on HRT, you may play in leagues and tournaments as your new gender.   As they stated, "... transgender athletes (should not be)excluded from the opportunity to participate in sporting competitions."

I already know that the first day I go 24/7, I want to play tennis at the Club with my close friends. That way, the women of the Interclub can see that I'm surrounded by people who know about Laura and accept her. Several days before Laura appears at the club, I'll email the club tennis pro and give him the Reader's Digest version of my transition, tell him Laura will appear that Friday, and declare my intention to play in Ladies Interclub in the future. I'll also attach USTA's TG Inclusion Policy so he'll have a foundation for his replies the "mean girls."
Oh, I'm still scared, but at least I'm prepared. LOL.

Onward.

Laura May

[LauraE]

November 9, 2020
@Danielle

OK, I know I've been absent far too long, but I have good reasons that I'll explain. You all wanted updates and I'm happy to oblige now that I have a bit of time. So many topics to talk about and I'll lay them all out below. What I've written below is more of a novella than a post. My HRT update, which was due last Saturday, will come soon.

First, my nose.
Hard to believe it's been a month since the incident where I was standing at the net while my partner served and my opponent hit the ball incredibly hard and fast that I couldn't react before it hit me squarely on the nose, causing immediate bleeding and sending me to the emergency room. I was truly scared that all the hard work from my FFS had been ruined. My nose was fairly numb the first two weeks and I returned to trying to sleep on my back and taping my classes to my forehead. I can't tell you how often I looked in the mirror and ran my fingers up and down the sides to see if there was any damage. To date, things seem to be better and while I'm still taping my glasses when I'm in the house, the numbness is gone. I'm hoping my nose is ok, but I'll continue being paranoid about it for another month or so. Thank you all for asking.

My Rentals
This is where much of my time as been spent. I have, or had, two rentals: a nice 3br/2ba house my first wife and I bought in 1979 and has been a rental since 1981. I've done my best to modernize whenever renters move out to keep the house compeitive when looking for new tenants. However, five years ago, when my second marriage blew up, which was during the year I spent in therapy where Laura would eventually appear, I decided that it would be more convenient for my soon-to-be ex move into that rental. When the old rentals moved out (I had evicted them so the ex could move in), discovered that the house, both inside and outside, needed extensive work. For five months, I toiled every day to bring the house and the landscape back to life, including replacing some of the decorative wood on the outside which had rot.

Now, five years later, I've been spending the last several, and the next several, working on the remaining wood, peeling the paint, applying wood hardener and filler, and then repainting. It's laborious but I'm making good progress.
My other rental, located less than a mile from my main house, is a townhouse I bought in 1986 as a rental. This has consumed a fair amount of time lately and recently some anxiety as I ponder hiring a CPA. I'll explain.

First, I just completed the sale of this rental, which was part of my initial planning in the Should I Stay or Should I Go thread. If I decide to move north to the Sacramento area, I'll need to sell all my properties and since the townhouse is the least profitable, that had to go first. Now, I've not decided to move yet, but I want to be prepared in case my coming out doesn't go as I hoped (more about coming out later). If I decided to stay here, I'd be just as content since most of the process from the sale are going to pay off the loan for my current house. It's really win win in my book.
Now, here's the problem where I'm going to need a talented CPA.

When I bought the house in 1986, I began depreciating in on a 19 year schedule, which as the trend then. However, in 1999, I moved into the townhouse when my first marriage ended. I stayed there until 2009 when my ex and I bought the house I'm in now (I got it in the divorce while she got an equally valued house we owned in China.) When the townhouse became a rental again, I did not resume the depreciation schedule, which had about another five years to go. My reasoning was that Uncle Sam was just going to get back what refund I was getting for depreciation when I sold the house so why bother?
I figured out "why bother" this weekend when the sale proceeds were transferred to my bank account and I began the process to pay my estimated tax to the IRS. What I discovered was that the IRS doesn't care if you didn't depreciate it. They're going to tax me as IF I HAD depreciated it and, from what I've been reading, fixing this situation is not for the faint of heart. So, part of my time this week is to find a tax CPA who can lead me down the correct path.

CATs
I got a new cat yesterday. My first cat, really the first pet I've ever had, has been with me since February and I've sensed the last few months that he'd really like a friend to play with. To that end, I adopted a 3 1/2 month old tabby yesterday and have been spending time with him to help him adjust to his new home. My primary cat, Cessna, is a bit jealous, or threatened, and he's been hissing through the door at RV (my new cat). From my research, I know this is fairly normal, so I'm taking a fairly logical path before beginning to introduce them, making sure I continue to play and give affection to Cessna so he doesn't feel left out.

Going Full Time
This has been on the agenda for about a month now, as I continue to venture outdoors as Laura, often shopping as her.

If I'm going to do my full diligence on the Should I Stay, or Should I Go decision, I'm going to have to come out now to see how it goes. I've told enough people, including four tennis friends, my neighbors, and two weeks ago, my sister. When I do come out, it will probably be more 24/5 than 24/7. Why? This is more a practical decision than full-time decision. You see, 18 months ago the last time I stopped HRT, I also purged an extensive wardrobe. Since (well before actually) restarting HRT, I've amassed a large wardrobe and I've not stopped acquiring pieces that I think will look good on me. However, I don't want to ruin any of these fairly new clothes when I work at my rental, paint, or do yard work. My wigs aren't old enough yet for these situations either.

Finally there's electrolysis. When I first came out four years ago, I did about 16 hours with a local technician but really didn't like her work. After I restarted HRT last year, my intention was to fly to Chicago every few months for their mass-electrolysis. Then, COVID struck and I'd rather not fly commercial during a pandemic. So, once I do feel comfortable flying, I'll need to have four day's growth to my before flying and Laura does NOT want to be public with a beard showing. LOL. Oh, what a sight. So, there will be times when Laura has to be <deadname>.
 
However, that's not going to stop me from changing my name. All the paperwork has been filled out for months, just waiting for the day I go full-time.

When is full-time? I'm currently waiting for that too. The first day I'm public full-time, I want to be with my tennis friends at the tennis club, because I want to be surrounded by my supporters when other players meet Laura. That day, and the weeks that follow, will instruct me whether I can stay. However, one friend has tennis elbow and may not return for several weeks. Another has been setting up a business with her husband and has a more limited schedule. The final friend is a personal trainer and his schedule has gotten busier lately. So, it may be early December when Laura reveals to everyone.

Onward,

Laura May

[LauraE]

November 12, 2020

There's a fine line between being brave or being delusional.
I've felt both and fear is certainly part of both. How?
All actors are afraid right before they go on stage, including professional actors. We call it stage fright. It's just part of human nature to fear the unknown. Will I remember my lines and my blocking? Will the audience react positively? That fear of failure permeates all of us right before we go onstage. So what happens? How do actors survive this fear?

Simply, preparation. To be an actor means to immerse yourself in the character you're portraying. You know their back story, identify with their emotions, and have your lines deeply memorized. To be in character on stage is to assume the body and emotions of the character you're portraying. Fear still exists, though, right before they go onstage. Actors survive this period because they know once they're on stage, the character (and the preparation) takes over. The character is on stage, not the actor. You might say they are brave for exposing themselves before hundreds of people who will be judging them, or they might be delusional for thinking they can convincingly portray them. I know because as a theatre major, I've been both an actor and a director. (Directing is much more fun because it's so much like teaching with a heavy thread of creativity.)

Transitioning is a lot like that. Fear can permeate our lives and we can waver between feeling delusional and being brave. I'd say that the reason I stopped HRT so many times the first three years is that my fear convinced me I was being delusional that I could pass as a woman and feel accepted by my peers.
I've only reached the point where I'm beginning to feel ready to go onstage, stage fright and all, is because of the preparation I've done the past 18 months. That includes staying on HRT, coming out to a variety of close friends, acquiring a wardrobe I feel comfortable in, getting my make-up skills in order, working on my voice, and, in my case, getting FFS. Once I had all that down, I began to feel more comfortable appearing in public as Laura in front of my friends. It helped me feel I'd done enough preparation to be Laura on stage. Will I have stage fright in the beginning?

Most likely.

The day I reveal myself to all, during a Friday playing tennis at the club, is nearing. I've told 11 people about Laura, not a large number, but, as they say, it gets easier. My best tennis friends, neighbors and my sister knows and today, while playing tennis with a person whose reaction I'm fearful of, I came out to him too. He wasn't all loving, as the others were, but he took it in stride. Another step forward.

Onward.

Laura May

[LauraE]

November 20, 2020

I'm rattled. Today is not a good day.

Friday mornings is doubles with a group i've played with for many years. (this includes Person One but they all know about Laura.) Today, because our normal fourth, a woman, is still recovering from tennis elbow, the man i shared Laura's story with last week got to meet Laura for the first time. As i shared before, he was someone i was afraid to tell because of his background in law enforcement and his very conservative politics. He was fine today and eventually was able to call me Laura during the match.
Still, i felt off, awkward. i had trouble finding Laura's voice in the beginning so i was quieter than normal, when, normally i'd be participating in the banter. I also discovered that in my rush to get dressed after putting on my make-up, that i'd put on my top backwards.

What happened during the final set is what has brought me down the rabbit hole.  I must preface that two courts away was a male player, late 20s, who was teaching a student. ill call him Bruce. He's been club member for many years and while he was a fairly strong player, he's also fairly irresponsible.

While the four of us were at the net between games, my friend, the fourth person i came out to, told me that i should go down and introduce myself to Bruce since "He already knows." Now, I've not come out to Bruce  and don't really consider him an acquaintance. The assumption was that since it's too obvious that Bruce had clocked me and knew I was <deadname> dressing up as a woman, i might as well share.

I told him i wouldn't, that i wanted to control my coming out to others, and that i had plans for my "coming out to everyone" day.  Underneath, i was upset the remainder of the set. I know i'm not passable. I know i'm getting clocked. i try my best to dress well, to have the right clothes and to get my make-up right, but if it's that easy for others to identify Laura as <deadname>, then am i fooling myself that i can ever blend in? I was on the verge of tears the remainder of the set.

While we were playing a tie-breaker at the end, since the score was tied 6-6, i looked over at Bruce and found him staring at me. It was obvious he knew i was <deadname> and that he now knows my secret. i felt outed, feeling that i've lost control of my own narrative. It broke me. Once the set was over, i collected my things and hurried away since the tears were now flowing.

Now, i don't really care if Bruce approves of my transition and while i might have had some control of how and whether he shares with others, i felt uncomfortable doing so. I care more more about how the women of the club react to Laura.

As i conclude this seven hours later, i've calmed down a bit. Time and two napping cats by my side have a positive effect. If i could go back, i would have approached Bruce, confirmed that i AM transgender, and asked him to keep this to himself since i'm not out to everyone yet.  I was NOT brave today. Instead, I was incredibly scared that i'd lost control of my coming out.
And so it goes.

I'm currently considering coming out before my friend recovers from her tennis elbow, asking her instead to at least be present when i play at the club. I want, and need, my friends' support when everyone learns about Laura.

Onward

Laura

[LauraE]

November 21, 2020

I learned last night that my father died.

More than a month ago apparently. He was 95 and living in a rest home at the time, having lost his final wife to cancer and suffering from dementia.

First, a history lesson. 

My parents, who divorced when i was 11, had three children, of which i'm the middle. I have an older brother who is bi-polar and a younger sister. She's the only relative i've come out to (and will be the only one.) After my parents divorced, mom quickly remarried an incredibly selfish jerk and had two more children who are amazingly spoiled and selfish in their own ways. They are the sole recipients of my mother and step-father's estate.

Dad remarried two more times, but the final marriage was a keeper. His wife was a fun, intelligent woman who had two children. They, and my first wife and i, would regularly spend Thanksgiving at a destination. Dad would rent a cottage somewhere (the coast or the mountains), we'd arrive on Wednesday and stay until Sunday. In between were games, food and exploring.

Dad's love for his children was always conditional and never deep. Over my lifetime, my brother and sister each disappointed him in some way that would cause him to stop all contact. i was the last to fall when i left my first wife. i remember him calling me to tell me that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. That event was cause of much thought for many years as i wondered, "How can a parent not love their children unconditionally?" It took many years to conclude that dad never had the capacity to love completely. Either that, or he never really loved his children.

After i divorced my first wife, she kept in contact with both my mother and father,  and i'm aware that she calls mom weekly.  Now, my sister still tried to stay in contact with dad and he tolerated her questions about family history, which was her primary reason for trying to talk to him. Even when he entered the rest home, she continued to call him every few weeks to check in on him.
When she called recently, the rest home wouldn't tell her about dad or about his death. That was for "relatives." Really? His own daughter wasn't considered important enough to contact? So, my sister contacted his late wife's children to find out what they knew. It turns out that they were informed of his death, but nothing more. Since one is a CPA, he shared that he had helped my father with his will and that the entire estate would be going to my ex-wife.

So, my ex-wife, who lives two blocks away from me, knew for several weeks about dad's death and chose not to tell anyone in the family, or even to tell my mom during her weekly calls.
Incredible.

Welcome to my life.

Onward,

Laura

[LauraE]

November 23, 2020

Coming Out

I came across an interesting coming out story on the LGBTQNation site about an ABC correspondent who described is coming out process. Advice to His Younger, Closeted Self. While he's much younger than i am, he still felt the same confusion when he was 12 and felt the need to hide his truth from others.

I connected with thiis final advice to his 12 year-old self,
"Don't rush it, kid. You don't need to reveal your secret just yet, if you don't want to. You're only 12. Just know that you're special, and someday you'll feel that too, and everything will be OK."
"When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."

Onward,

Laura

[Northern Star Girl]

@LauraE 
Dear Laura:
I am so very glad to see that you have successfully been able to
get back onto the Forum.

Yes indeed, the big New Year's Day site crash took out many of our
member accounts, postings, private messages, etc... 

You will notice that the Forum is not quite the same as it was. 
Navigating around the site will take some time to get used to.
The site came back as it was 3 or 4 years earlier so many of the piece by piece
improvements and updates that our staff had performed in the last few years
were also missing.

The staff has been working overtime to put the pieces back together but
that will be an ongoing task for a while longer.
I advise you to find your way to  ANNOUNCEMENTS
                            https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,2.0.html
You will be able to read what went on before and after the crash .... and some
of the changes that are taking place with the Forum.

Well, the GOOD NEWS and a positive way to look at all of this is that we all
got a "Do-Over" button ... so, for many that means a fresh start.

AGAIN, WELCOME BACK,
HUGS, Danielle

[LauraE]

Thank you, @Danielle. I see that you've been knocked back to your old profile too.

It really is a tragedy for all of us, including those new members who will miss out on all the adventures and stories that have been told the past four years. What's interesting is that I'd deleted this account during one of my two purges, but now that it's been rediscovered, it's nice to remember that I came to Susan's only a few days after coming out to my therapist 7 1/2 years ago.

It's going to take time to rebuild my blog, but at least I was lucky enough to draft all my posts before placing them here. Looking forward to your adventures.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 27, 2020

Fulltime

I'm reminded of the quote i used in my last post, "When you're ready, start living your truth. That's when the magic happens."I'm ready for Laura to begin living authentically,

About half the time Laura presents, she's playing tennis with a group of friends on Friday mornings. Over the past several months, I've gradually come out to more people including more tennis friends and my regular singles partner whom I play every Monday. Because of all the love and acceptance i've received, I've felt more comfortable and confident being Laura on and off the court, despite being clocked.

Saturday tennis is always a group of 12 players, organized by one of the friends I'm out to. It's a rotating group of people with many playing every Saturday and some rotating in and out. Tomorrow, though, five people who know Laura will be playing so i'll be surrounded by a fair number of friends to support my first day living authentically.

I'll  update tomorrow after I play, but I'm feeling fairly positive about this next step in Laura's life.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 28, 2020

Full Time, Day 1

Today, i started living Laura's life authentically (well, mostly). The platform was a Saturday doubles group that alternates in attendees, but has a fairly stable core each week. Of the 12 players there, five already knew about Laura and had played with her. The remainder have only known of and have played with <deadname>.

As I arrived, about half the group had arrived and were warming up. Person 4, who organizes the group, noticed Laura and welcomed her.  Since two other women had just arrived before me, i went up to them and introduced myself as Laura and they greeted me back. Such as it went with the remainder of the players.
Laura had a good time. The entire morning, from the moment i began putting on my makeup to my arrival at the courts, i felt not an ounce of fear. A year ago, i couldn't imagine doing this, out of fear of rejection. What i'm certain of is that, on the surface, people are polite to your face and while some may be overtly welcoming, it's what happens behind the scenes and the next day that has a greater effect. As more people learn about Laura, particularly the women of Ladies Interclub, i'll find out who my new allies are.

One woman, while we were on a break between sets, asked about my transition and whether it was something i do on and off. I explained that today was my first day full time and i gave her a shortened history of my transition and coming out. She seemed accepting, as did most of the other players, many whom remembered to call me Laura instead of <deadname>.

Now, about that asterisk behind going full time.

Because i've regularly purged clothes during the first three years of Laura's life, i have no old clothes or wigs to use while working on my rental, painting, or doing yardwork. For those times, i'll be <deadname>. I suspect that within several months, i'll be able to rotate in an old pair of pants and an older wig for this work. However, today i came out to the world, releasing my friends from their confidentiality bond. People will talk and share now and in the near future, more players will meet Laura for the first time.

And i'm not worried.

oh, i used to be terrified of this moment and while it's possible i'm deluding myself, knowing i'm not yet passable, living my authentic life is more important that living a lie. For that, i've received much love from my friends today.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 30,2020

The whole process of coming out 24/7 is a slow reveal as more people meet Laura for the first time. Saturday, the day i started fulltime, six new tennis players met Laura. They had all known <deadname> so i'm certain this was the subject of conversation afterwards as they discussed this among themselves and shared with others.

Last weekend, I emailed the club tennis pro, announcing my transition with the Reader's Digest version, asking him to create a new account for Laura on the court reservation system, and telling him i was hoping to play with the Ladies' Interclub. He replied respectfully and encouraged me to give the ladies the benefit of the doubt, saying that many would be accepting and friendly

Today, Monday, my singles partner from the last 15 years, met Laura. I had only shared my story with him a few weeks ago, so we'll see how it goes. This will be my first time at the club as Laura, so whoever is there will also be curious.

And i'm not worried.

<coda> I had no idea the darkness that was coming for me.

Onward.

Laura

[LauraE]

November 30, 2020, Part II

Laura Plays at the Tennis Club

Days like last Saturday, when i went 24/7 and played tennis with several people who knew <deadname> but were new to Laura, and today, when i played singles with my long term singles partner, were the primary reasons I stopped HRT and purged clothes the first three years of my transition.

Instead, i've embraced each new opportunity to be authentic. It's all between the ears.
What i hadn't realized before is that once i went 24/7, there would be a window with many firsts; the first time with others, the first time at the club,  etc. Today, was my first time at the tennis club as Laura and i was certain others would be there.

There were. As i arrived, four men were playing doubles on the court next to us. Now, these guys are a level up from me, being 4.0-4.5 players where i'm a 3.5 player. I've played with all of them at times, but very rarely not for awhile. They know <deadname>. Whereas i went up to each of the New To Laura people on Saturday, i went about my business playing tennis for the first time as Laura with my friend. Now, as i've explained before, he's been neutral about my transition, not saying anything positive or negative and today was about the same. We talked as we have when i was <deadname> but he never addressed me as Laura. I know i still need to give him time to adjust.'

i'm certain several of the men clocked me, although they were respectful not to stare. At one point, where i was retrieving a ball near the fence that separated us, I met the eyes of one of the players. We nodded to each other and i continued playing.

Part of the journey to be Laura has been to accepted at the club as her, particularly with he women of the Interclub. Several of the women i had shared Laura's story with over the summer are members of the team, so at least i'll have allies. However, i've now entered the territory where people are learning about Laura for the first time, and i'm fairly certain some of then will be confused, will share this info with others, and will gossip a bit. i can not expect that people who weren't friendly with <deadname> will instantly want to be friends with Laura. i'll need to give everyone time.

Now, i do understand why some people move in order to begin a new life where no one knows of their past and while i've prepared myself incase i choose that path, i'm doing my best to see if i can make it work here. That means knowing that everyone knows i used to be <deadnane> and now that i'm Laura. That whole concept caused me much stress and fear in the past and while i may be fooling myself, i've reached the point where i don't care if they don't accept me. What i know i'll discover during the next few months is who my real friends are and who aren't. The men today aren't friends with Laura, only people who are familiar with <deadname>. They can't hurt me.

So, for the next few weeks an increasing circle of players will meet Laura for the first time and i'll do my best to be friendly with them. As they say, If you Want a Friend, Be a Friend.
It's all between the ears.

Onward,

Laura