One New Life to Live

[LauraE]

Hi @Lori Dee.

Kay is an extrovert, and Trinh and I (both Introverts) are the planets that rotate around her sun. Kay is wired a bit tight and her husband, Paul, is a Type B Introvert. I'm also an introvert, but definitely a type A personality.

Now, Paul and I are good, and he's definitely not part of the problem. His replies to my invitations were because Kay was refusing to text me (or talk or anything else). I know he was just trying to be nice during a difficult situation.

Laura

[TanyaG]

After way too much bullying my first year full-time, i became very cautious with people and i was certain all the women at my tennis club hated me. My first year, this hate was through their actions.

However,  last year, when i was again on the tennis team, things seem to have thawed and i thought these women had come around, that they could see my progression, that i was a different person now. Recent events this summer proved me wrong as they again began excluding me from all their play time and parties.

Hi Laura! There's a bit to disentangle here, let's have a go at pulling the ends of a few threads?

You are saying you were bullied, which you did not deserve, but at the same time, you're saying you progressed and became a different person. Yet those changes were rebuffed because they began to shut you out again.

What was the progression you made? I'm feeling you made some changes that you thought would help you fit in better? And then felt rejected because no-one picked up on those changes?

This was my trigger, as my insecurity grew, and i began to question whether anyone really liked me, even Kay.

You make it sound as if you often ask that question? If so, what are the feelings that make you ask it? You are close to the source here.

When i relayed my theory about Kay's inability to express emotions to Trinh (Kay's other close friend), and her attendance at Saturday tennis, Trinh said that perhaps just showing up was her way of thawing the ice. Kay and i may never be friends again, although the door is cracked open a bit. Trinh urged me to give her until the new year, but confirmed that it was a good thing that i'm making new friends, that it's not necessarily a good thing to have just one close friend.

Trinh sounds like a very understanding person and someone with a good understanding of people. Two things catch the eye out from exchange. First, Trinh said perhaps Kay was exploring opening up her friendship with you again and you've accepted that after your struggles with your mood. Your expectation the pair of you might never be friends again sounds as if you are insulating yourself from hope in order to prevent it overwhelming you. This works as a mechanism and many of us use it, but do I have that right?

What i've learned about being a woman is that friendship is something that must constantly be nurtured, that sharing is friendship currency, so with each new friend, i try to do the work.

You make it sound as if you worked friendships a different way before. If that's right, how?

[LauraE]

October 14, 2024

I'm up for a reply, @Tanya.

You are saying you were bullied, which you did not deserve, but at the same time, you're saying you progressed and became a different person. Yet those changes were rebuffed because they began to shut you out again.

What was the progression you made? I'm feeling you made some changes that you thought would help you fit in better? And then felt rejected because no-one picked up on those changes?


Before the season ended, i took a hard look at myself and what <deadname's> behaviors were impacting Laura's progression. One of those things was a short temper, one that quickly comes and goes. This is one of the habits of those of us with ADD, but I personally hated this behavior. After being called out on it, i made a concerted effort to find a calmness when things weren't going my way and shortly the anger dissipated.

You already know that transitions are both physical and social/emotional with the later only possible after you go full time. It takes years to progress through our second puberty and part of that process is removing some of <deadname's> behaviors and habits  and becoming more like the woman we want to be.

Around the beginning of the second season, one where I couldn't play because no one would partner with me, I decided to stop caring about the haters. They didn't change, but i decided to be happy and to begin enjoying my life not based the haters' approval. Thus began an era of growth.

You make it sound as if you often ask that question? If so, what are the feelings that make you ask it? You are close to the source here.

Well, assuming you watched Will and Harper, you certainly must be aware of our triggers. Transitioning is hard and in the purple county i live in, few days pass without my being stared at. Hate, whether active or passive, is around us, although i do my best of focus on my own happiness.However, when i figured out last summer that my friendships with the club women were just a fantasy, that while they pretended to be friendly last year, my new exclusion from their activities was a passive form of bullying. That was my trigger this time. Yes, i just should have continued thinking, "->-bleeped-<- them", but that didn't happen. I spiraled, creeping towards the rabbit hole.

Trinh sounds like a very understanding person and someone with a good understanding of people. Two things catch the eye out from exchange. First, Trinh said perhaps Kay was exploring opening up her friendship with you again and you've accepted that after your struggles with your mood. Your expectation the pair of you might never be friends again sounds as if you are insulating yourself from hope in order to prevent it overwhelming you. This works as a mechanism and many of us use it, but do I have that right?

Trinh is totally different from Kay, an introvert like me, and while she has trouble reaching out, she always reponds when i reach out to her. And yes, i've done my best to get to "acceptance" knowing that Kay may never return but even if she does, we may never be as close again as we were. It makes no sense to hold on, so i've been working on finding new friends. That's what my dinner party this Saturday is all about. Reconnecting with the friends i have and bringing in potential new friends.


You make it sound as if you worked friendships a different way before. If that's right, how?

<deadname>had no friends. The old me, an introvert, was quite successful in his career, but totally afraid to socialize. I always found a way to say no to invitations. It was quite a lonely life and i spent decades feeling like i was wasting my life.

So, when i decided to transition, i made a conscious effort to always say "yes" to invitations and to seek out new friends using kindness and a sense of humor as an initial filter. Best decision of my life.

Laura

[TanyaG]

Before the season ended, i took a hard look at myself and what <deadname's> behaviors were impacting Laura's progression. One of those things was a short temper, one that quickly comes and goes.

That sounds like a win. I don't have ADD but having grown up in a household where everyone thought they were right and opinions were forcefully expressed, I've learned to think first and chill second. What kind of effect did easing off on the anger have for you? For me, it avoided a lot of stress.

Well, assuming you watched Will and Harper, you certainly must be aware of our triggers.

Don't forget these are my triggers too, but it helps I live in the UK. It isn't a smooth ride here, but it definitely could be worse. One thing you've written is that people in the tennis club pretended to be friendly? What made you think they were pretending?

<deadname>had no friends. The old me, an introvert, was quite successful in his career, but totally afraid to socialize.

Somewhere in here is one of the cores that powers you. Why was deadname afraid to socialize? Maybe the easiest way into that is what emotions did deadname experience when they got an invitation? I'm picking up on deadname having identified solitude as a problem.

[LauraE]

October 15, 2024

I'm enjoying this little back and forth, @Tanya.

What kind of effect did easing off on the anger have for you? For me, it avoided a lot of stress.


The immediate reaction was that i felt a sense of calmness. Instead of getting angry at myself for the mistakes i was making on the tennis court, i'd take a deep breath and brainstorm what i needed to correct to not repeat the error. My tennis coach is been a great source of information and i've trained myself to decode what's wrong based on what happened to the ball after i hit it.  Others saw the change too.

One thing you've written is that people in the tennis club pretended to be friendly? What made you think they were pretending?

I had been convinced, or at least i had fooled myself, into thinking that these women had come around to like me for who i've become. After all, we had wonderful conversations and i was invited to play with them and attend their parties. This summer, though, all those good vibes disappeared. No invitations to play or events and none of the women wanted to play with me. This threw me off and began a spiral. Of course, now that i've had time, i can continue to say, "I don't need their approval for my own happiness."

Why was deadname afraid to socialize?

<deadname> was an introvert, but one of ADD's signatures is an immaturity and social awkwardness. I wanted friends, but i was always afraid to accept invitations, so i'd make lame excuses. Because of that, i spent decades feeling like i was wasting my life, that while i was quite successful at work, i had no social life or friends.

All that has changed now that i've accepted "yes" as a response and i've learned to reach out to people. Viva transition.

Laura

[TanyaG]

Stuff like this is always fun. Especially if you learn more about yourself. Every time I've gone through this, I've discovered something new about me I did not know.

My tennis coach is been a great source of information and i've trained myself to decode what's wrong based on what happened to the ball after i hit it.

A useful skill. You can do the same thing with relationships as long as you have a clear understanding of yourself.

I had been convinced, or at least i had fooled myself, into thinking that these women had come around to like me for who i've become. This summer, though, all those good vibes disappeared. No invitations to play or events and none of the women wanted to play with me.

Thinking back, what was the trigger or event that stopped the invitations coming? This is one of those moment when it can pay to pretend you are an outsider looking at both them and at yourself.

I wanted friends, but i was always afraid to accept invitations, so i'd make lame excuses.

This needs one of those magic mirrors that lets you look deep inside your own motives. What did you fear would happen if you accepted a social invitation?

A second thing here is that you were successful at work, so unless you worked alone, your office relationships must have worked okay?

[LauraE]

Nov 11, 2024

Thoughts and Observations about Kay
I've been debating the past few weeks whether to give up on repairing my friendship with Kay. During September, when i was most depressed, she avoided me completely, refusing to play in my Saturday group, and avoiding me on the tennis courts during her group. She made me feel invisible.

A few weeks ago, she began returning to my group, a small sign of change, so i began to try engaging her in conversations to break the ice. She would reply, but never in detail and she never engaged me in any way, never asking me to do things, nor starting conversations with me. I also tried giving her samples of food i was cooking to ask for her opinion, anything to get her to talk to me.

Still, i felt invisible when around her. She treated strangers nicer than me and i felt i was doing all the work to repair our friendship without any effort from her. When i shared my thoughts with Trinh, she admitted that she admired my resilience but that she would have walked away from Kay long ago. We both know how toxic Kay's behavior is. Because of this, i had previously written my goodbye text, knowing i'd reach a point where i would have to give up, that i didn't deserve to be treated like a stranger.

That point arrived quickly and during Trinh's Friendsgiving last Saturday.

I arrived early to help Trinh with the preparations, giving us time to share. Trinh has been my rock these past few months. After Kay walked away from me, I wondered whether i was a good person. I reflected about the other people who walked away from me, particularly my father and son, and wondered whether I deserved to lose people because, in fact, i'm a bad person. These are depressing thoughts, but when i lose people who are important to me, i have to ask myself this hard question, "Am i unlovable? Am I unworthy of close friendships?"

Early after "the event", Trinh reminded me that she's still my friend and that, indeed, i'm a good person and her advice and comfort these past two months are probably why i've held on so long, hoping for signs from Kay that things could return to normal. Increasingly though, I reached a point where i was no longer willing to be treated badly.

Kay arrived an hour after me to also help Trinh prepare and during that time, i tried initiating conversations with her. These have been attempts to engage her and to show her why we were friends, that i was easy to be around and could make her laugh. At no point did she start a conversation with me.

Once guests arrived and the party got underway, i again felt like a stranger. My seat at the long dinner table was the furthest from her and at no time did she even talk to me The hurt i've been feeling increased and i ended up leaving the party early because it was too difficult being around someone who acts like I'm invisible.

I sent the following text the next morning.

Goodby Text to Kay
I will always value the close friendship we had, all the times we got together to share, and all our adventures. It was the best year of my life.  These past months have been painful for me. You hurt me deeply when you ended our friendship. I forgave you long ago, and even gave you my complete and sincere apology for hurting you. I so wished we could have been friends again.

I've been patient these past months as i've explored new friendships, while reaching out to you in various ways, hoping things would improve between us. I've lost hope and it hurts too much to keep trying, to feel like i'm a stranger when i'm around you. I miss our friendship, but it's too painful to be around you, hoping for you to reach out..

I've not been invited to Sam's party, but it would hurt too much to be there anyway, and my own Friendsgiving is canceled.

If, sometime in the future,  you decide you'd like to reconnect, you know where to find me.

My Thoughts
Walking away is hard for me. I don't like to give up on people i care about, whether it's a friend or a spouse, but at some point, when you realize you have no hope that things will improve, walking away is the only way to reclaim your self-respect and your sanity. 

To my surprise, Kay responded.

Kay Responds
i'm so sorry you feel this way.  I, too have been trying to repair this friendship and I am gradually getting there. But seems like you're upset about me being me for now. Last night, my interaction with you was genuinely where I am comfortable with. I was looking forward to getting together and begin to get back to "normal" at your Friendsgiving. please please don't cancel the party because everyone I've talked to is looking forward to it.  as for Sam's party, he himself doesn't even know when it will be because Trinh and IB  will not be here on the dates that he has selected.

My Thoughts
Kay's text was a mixed message. On one hand she's saying, "give me a bit more time. I think i'll get there." On the other hand, she's making excuses for her bad behavior. She's saying, "Treating you like a stranger is who I am. I'm not ready to treat you better than a stranger."

So, "give me time" on one hand, and "I make no apologies for treating you like this." on the other.  She literally said, "i'm sorry you feel this way" and NOT, "I'm sorry I made you feel this way."  She's making an excuse for her bad behavior, just "me being me."

But, in the spirit of hopefulness, I ignored her excuse and gave her space and time to come around

My Text Back to Kay
I'm sorry this is long.
I appreciate your writing back. I've tried hard to be a better person and to seek out new friends and I've been so patient waiting for some sign from you. I know actions are how you speak, and I did notice you returning to my Saturday group and your offer to cook for my Friendsgiving. I wanted to think that was progress, but what I NEEDED, or what I'm desperately hoping for, is for you to initiate conversations with me. There have been so many times these past months I wanted to call you and ask for advice or share something with you, and I was always hoping we'd be further along than we are right now. 

BTW,, I didn't play the name game because I was afraid I'd start crying when I wrote on your card. I was quietly sad in the other room, although Aaron (Kay's son) read me completely. Something he said started me crying and I was a mess the rest of the evening. Not his fault.

My pain has been increasing lately, although the election and  trans hate coming from the GOP has something to do with it. I've genuinely been trying to become the Laura version of Kay, someone who is thoughtful to her friends and pulls people together for parties. Bringing you food was not just my asking for your opinion; it was a gift offering of friendship, in hopes that you''d reach out in return.

My first party was a risk, but successful, and my next one in two weeks will bring together two potential new friends, along with their spouses.  It takes a long time to find people worthy of friendship and a longer time to see if those friendships develop into something meaningful. I'm trying my best.

I'm not mad at you and never was these past months. I was hurt. I know you slowly deliberate. Can i ask you to at least initiate conversations with me? It doesn't matter whether it's by text or in person. Conversations don't mean we're totally back, but they're part of the road we must travel if we're going to find our way. As long as we're conversing, the time it takes to return doesn't matter. At least we'll be taking the journey together.

Her Reply
One day at a time.

My Thoughts
This is classic Kay, completely ignoring this most important part of a text.

On one hand, I finally reached my breaking point with Kay and gathered the courage to walk away from what felt like a toxic situation. On the other, i've granted her another month to see she can come around.

The difference, though, is that i'm not sure if i care we are friends again. I tire of excuses for bad behavior and avoidance for her role in this, that it's other people who must change, not her. I've seen this in action with her husband, Paul, after a fight last summer that is the subject of several posts in my thread.

He said something in anger after feeling ignored for too long and she exploded. For a week, she contemplated ending her marriage. My conversations with her at the time focused on helping her understand that Paul's need for a minimal amount of attention wasn't being met, building up until they burst out.  He certainly could have handled things better, but Kay's exploding happened because i've discovered she has a trigger. Let's talk about it.

I like to think i'm an observant person, and because Kay was a close friend, i've done my best to both share my stories and hear hers so i could understand her better. As our friendship grew, the picture i had of Kay was complex and there were several data points that were confusing, that didn't seem to fit with the other behaviors from her. During "the event", after she exploded, she briefly alluded to a few things with me, an excuse for her behavior but telling.

Kay's trigger is being unfairly accused of something and i'm certain there are a few stories from her past i've not heard, that will explain why she erupts so violently when she thinks she's being accused. Once that trigger is pulled, even inadvertently, she loses all ability to listen to understand. She, instead, goes on the attack. So, i get this part of her now. I don't think less of her and it's not a reason to walk away from her. I just understand her more completely.

I want to hear the stories some day.

However, i'm also not sure if I want to be friends with her again. I've given her time, but i'm tired of how she's treating me. I haven't deserved to be treated this way and part of me doesn't accept that all this has been my fault, that i'm the only one who must acknowledge they were wrong and change.

I will continue to observe her behavior the next month and I'll l reach out, trying to initiate conversations. I'll also be looking to see if she will initiate conversations. If she continues to treat me like a stranger and make me feel invisible, I don't know if i'lll care that she thinks she's trying her best or that she may come around during Friendsgiving. It takes two and she's not doing enough on her end, even though she thinks she is.

Onward,

Laura

[davina61]

We are all different dear, no one thinks the same way. What feels right for some is wrong for others and can have no malicious intensions, just the way their brain is wired.

[LauraE]

March 28, 2025

Transgender Day of Visibility
I have mixed feelings about Trans Day of Visibility which is next Monday. While i feel that more of us who are "out" and proudly living our lives will eventually bring understanding and tolerance from society, it's not exactly safe to be trans today. Not that i've always felt safe, even in a purple county, but the hateful rhetoric that's been directed towards us the past few years, and especially the last two months, has been frightening. I worry when using the women's bathroom, wondering if i'll be accosted or accused. Even playing my beloved game of tennis is blacklisted by women at my tennis club, even though i'm far weaker now than i was before and my testosterone level is nearly zero, below that of the majority of women who play.

The luckiest of us are those who are "stealth". Fortunate enough to have transitioned when they were younger, these transwomen completely pass and no one would ever suspect they weren't "born" women, not even the friends they've not told. Yes, there are plenty of us who are stealth and for their own self-protection, not even their friends know they used to be someone else.

I'd say they are the lucky ones, but they also do us a disservice. We're only one percent of the population, so the more of us who are out and proudly living our lives will demonstrate to society that all we want is to live our lives in peace, to be happy, and to be our true selves. Bullying our small population is a great way to make quick political progress, but those who do forget our found father's words, "... that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

All means everyone. We are ALL equal.

I am a transwoman who loves to fly, to play tennis, and who revels in spending time with her best gal pals. Transitioning, essentially my second puberty, has helped me become the best version of myself, and haters can't take that away. If they were actually paying attention, they'd see that we're just trying to become who we know we've always been. Our founding fathers want us, all of us, to be free to pursue happiness.

[Jessica_Rose]

March 28, 2025

Transgender Day of Visibility
The luckiest of us are those who are "stealth". Fortunate enough to have transitioned when they were younger, these transwomen completely pass and no one would ever suspect they weren't "born" women, not even the friends they've not told. Yes, there are plenty of us who are stealth and for their own self-protection, not even their friends know they used to be someone else.

I'd say they are the lucky ones, but they also do us a disservice. We're only one percent of the population, so the more of us who are out and proudly living our lives will demonstrate to society that all we want is to live our lives in peace, to be happy, and to be our true selves.

@LauraE , I must disagree with you on a few points.

First, I was AMAB. However, that doesn't mean I was not born as a woman. Our mind is what makes us who we are, not our visible body parts. I was born a woman, with some unfortunate birth anomalies which made everyone classify me incorrectly and forced me to live as they saw fit. Once I realized why I felt the way I did, I took corrective steps. Now my 'parts' match my mind, and people can more easily see me for who I am.

Second, those who have transitioned and are quietly living their lives have no obligation to tell others their story, or to make their past public. They have fought their battles, and they have earned the right to live as they wish, like everyone else. While we can thank those who fight for our community openly, there are many battles which go on behind closed doors. Like other 'underground' movements, there are many of us whose works may never be celebrated, or widely known. Even those simply living their life are role models. After all, isn't that what we all strive for? We all know they exist, even if we have never met them. For many of us, that life seems a distant, impossible dream. Knowing that others have reached that point gives us hope.

There is no 'one' way, no 'right' way. We all need to fight in our own way.

For those who are 'out and proud', thank you.

For those living the quiet life they have always dreamed of, thank you.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

I understand that visibility is important for those who choose to be part of a community or movement, but not everyone sees themselves in the same way.

I do not identify as transgender and have never considered myself part of the transgender community.  My life has always been private and I have no interest in being visible or "out" in any way because it simply does not apply to me.  Since childhood, I have never expressed my gender, at least not that I am aware of.

Even today, I do not consciously express it, or if I do, it is extremely rare.  I simply live my life as myself.  When I changed my life in February 1989, I did so by changing my clothes, went back to work, sought medical care for my condition.  Two years later, I had surgery to reflect my true nature.

I never thought of it in terms of gender identity, just as something that needed to be done.  However, it was not until I encountered Susan's Place at the age of 51 that I fully realized I had always been female.  Before that, I had simply lived my life without deeply questioning or analyzing it in those terms.

I fully understand the negative consequences of being female in society and I am also aware of the compounded stigma and negative factors that come with being labelled as transgender.  This is another reason why I do not associate with being transgender, not that I am.  It is also a matter of safety and ensures that I am not treated differently because of my medical condition.

If I were to tell others about my condition, it would be like branding my forehead with the word "trans" and people would undoubtedly treat me differently.  That is not something I am willing to subject myself to.

The idea that those who are private about their past are doing a disservice is something I completely disagree with.  No one owes their personal history to the public and privacy is a fundamental right.  I am not in "stealth or passing", I simply live my life as myself and I do not see any reason why that should change.

If someone else finds meaning in visibility, that is their choice but it is not mine.  That being said, I am still active in my own way, just behind the scenes.  As a teacher and a human being, I provide support in an indirect manner without revealing who I am.

My actions speak for themselves and I do not need to publicly declare anything for my presence and efforts to make a difference.  My way of helping the community is through Susan's Place, offering insight and guidance to those who need it.

I support Susan's Place because it provides information I never had access to when I changed my life around.  But beyond that, I have no interest in engaging with groups or participating in events centered around transgender activism.  I live in a binary world and that is how I prefer it.

In short, I will never "out" myself because there is nothing to out.  I am simply a woman living her life and that is all there is to it.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator