Kay's Path

[REM.1126]

That's awful.  I don't have any recollection of being sexually abused.  I do wonder whether I was by a particular person in a particular place.  I had the same nightmare for years.  It wasn't sexual, but it was terror, and involved that person (an adult male) and his house. 

I hated going over there.  He was a creepy man.  We lived in the country, and his kids were my and my sister's only playmates.  His daughter was my best friend.  But, every night I had night terrors about that man and his house.  I think that suggests that something happened.  I would have been about 3 years old. 

[D'Amalie]

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.  Hugs, hugs, hugs.  They really do help.  Doesn't remove what happened but is cathartic in the "now".  Recurring dreams can be disruptive.  I know.

[REM.1126]

I am not accusing the man.  I don't remember anything happening.  I only remember the nightmares.  Or more properly, the exact same nightmare every night for years.  I think that is a sign of trauma.  I can't remember the trauma, just to dream it inspired. 

Obviously, I remember every detail of the dream (nearly 60 years later).  I sure wish I knew what upset me. 

[ChrissyRyan]

I like your picture Kay.  Have a good trip.

Chrissy

[Kay226]

This realization is how I made it past the suicide, in similar circumstances later in life.  Her oldest son raped me at 8 years old. Never forgiven.  God knows how my parents never knew.  I felt If I told them, I would be blamed and punished, punished, punished.  14 years of my childhood was to Hell and Back daily.  Never knowing hour to hour moment to moment, if things were going to go bad in the next instant.  School was only safe if I stayed away from most others, living in the libraries and the stacks.

I hope that you can find healing peace.  So many of us carry terrible pain. When people talk to me or i read their stories, my heart breaks into tiny pieces. I wish that I could give magical hugs to remove people's pain and let them live a wonderful life and see the beauty in themselves.

[Kay226]

Iam on my extended business trip and completed my first week. I will be away from home for a while, there is a loose return date but that could change. I am living out of my hotel room and typing on a small keyboard attached to my tablet. And the hotel internet runs so slow. At least the coffee is good here.

One of my co-workers here, a woman, is a person who I could feel her emotional pain that she is carrying. She opened up to me and told me what was going on in her life. I really feel for her.

Today I plan to do laundry and find some stores. I can't believe that I forgot earrings and need to pick some up.

I will try checking in on this site and hopefully read and post more. I need to do that, the loneliness away from family is going to be hard.

[Brooke Renee]

Good Morning Kay,

I can sympathize with the travel and loneliness from being away from home.  I hope at least your travels will take you to some interesting places.  My travels used to take me to fun cities such as DC, SFO, or Atlanta.  Now it seems I get sent to glamorous locations like Twin Falls ID or Norman OK.  Not sure who I made mad.. 

I'm sure your co-worker felt a sense of relief in being able to open up.  Such a loving act of kindness to be available for someone like that.  Never easy but so very sweet of you to offer your shoulder.


Warmly,

Brooke

[Kay226]

Between laundry loads I found a Youtube video that I liked. Title "Unlock the Power to Transform your Destiny" with Marisa Peer and Shaman Durek. I can't figure out how to post the link with my little tablet, sorry. LOL

They start out talking about how to embrace kindness instead of being right. That so resonated with me! The world so needs that meesage like right now!!

[Jessica_Rose]

I wouldn't do this for just anyone (they would at least need to be a member of Susan's Place)...

"Unlock the Power to Transform your Destiny" with Marisa Peer and Shaman Durek

[Kay226]

So I am at a week at my business extended assignment. My anxiety is a bit of a mess today. I didn't want to give out too much info, but where I am at rain - flooding are a problem. So far, so good. Still a little worrisome. A coworker who lives a few minutes from work, showed me a picture on their phone of a local house sitting in about 4 feet of water! Several small things have gone wrong at home. Nothing serious, but enough to cause some emotional stress and here I am 1,000 miles away from home. I am wearing men's clothes to work and everyone calls me sir. Ugh! I hang my jacket in a locker of a previous employee. The name on the locker is 'Raquel.' It makes me smile every morning. 

I noticed that my anxiety is like domino's. One or two start them all falling over. Since joining and reading about others on this site, I think today with my anxiety, my imposter syndrome raised its ugly head. For a little transparency, I have a serious health condition that for now will prevent me from taking HRT or any surgeries. I know hormones and surgery do not define who we are, but I am feeling a little "less than" right now. I know that I will bounce back, but it is painful when knee deep in this negativity.

Plans tonight are a salad for dinner, relax, meditate and journal. Hopefully a good nights rest!

[Maid Marion]

One of my co-workers here, a woman, is a person who I could feel her emotional pain that she is carrying. She opened up to me and told me what was going on in her life. I really feel for her.

I'd have friends and a co-worker open up to me in private about issues in their lives.
The friends usually did that while driving me around someplace.  Harder to get more privacy than that!

I'm not on HRT either.  Two commonly reported effects are a loss of height and strength.  I really don't want to lose either!
My heath is really good right now but I don't want to upset the balance by going on HRT unless I absolutely have to.

Marion

[Northern Star Girl]

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I am saddened to read that you are having an "anxiety mess" today as you
are far from home during you extended business assignment.

Regarding the heavy rains and flooding conditions, this February is very stormy
all around the country, rain and floods, and even worse in various locations. 
Do your best to stay dry and warm... and safe.
    Note: Right now for me where I live it is minus -27 degrees(f) and snow on the ground.

I am sorry to read of things going wrong at your home while you are 1,000 miles
away on a business trip.  Try to do what you can to handle the issues from far away.

I know that as one is in the middle of transitioning that being in a situation
where you, for various important reasons, must appear as "dead name" and wear the
clothing of "dead name" ... that is a difficult pill to swallow, but you gotta
do what you gotta do, particularly in your employment scenario.  The bight spot is
that you are using Raquel's locker, and yes, it can be a good reason for you to smile !!!

I am saddened to read of your health condition that, for now, will interfere with
your ability to have HRT or future surgeries...  I trust that it will be a temporary
setback and that you and your doctor can get things back on track.

Regarding your comment regarding you being knee deep in negativity... please set
your mind on positive thoughts...  go to my very first posting on the
following Blog thread and read many of the encouraging postings regarding: 
                    Positive Mindset... put away negativity
  https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,238255.msg2143336.html#msg2143336 
                         
Hopefully your reported plans for tonight.... dinner, relax, meditate and journal,
and a good night's sleep happened for you.  Wake up refreshed in the morning
ready to attack the new day with a positive outlook on life and your situation.
I wish for you, success and happiness.

I will be eagerly looking for your updates as I continue to follow your journey.
Many HUGS,
Danielle  [Northern Star Girl]

So I am at a week at my business extended assignment. My anxiety is a bit of a mess today. I didn't want to give out too much info, but where I am at rain - flooding are a problem. So far, so good. Still a little worrisome. A coworker who lives a few minutes from work, showed me a picture on their phone of a local house sitting in about 4 feet of water! Several small things have gone wrong at home. Nothing serious, but enough to cause some emotional stress and here I am 1,000 miles away from home. I am wearing men's clothes to work and everyone calls me sir. Ugh! I hang my jacket in a locker of a previous employee. The name on the locker is 'Raquel.' It makes me smile every morning. 

I noticed that my anxiety is like domino's. One or two start them all falling over. Since joining and reading about others on this site, I think today with my anxiety, my imposter syndrome raised its ugly head. For a little transparency, I have a serious health condition that for now will prevent me from taking HRT or any surgeries. I know hormones and surgery do not define who we are, but I am feeling a little "less than" right now. I know that I will bounce back, but it is painful when knee deep in this negativity.

Plans tonight are a salad for dinner, relax, meditate and journal. Hopefully a good nights rest!

[Kay226]

I have not posted here in a while, and thought that I would give it another whirl. So much going on, I re-started therapy. I have my daily "go to" for help like walks and listening to my guided meditations. They all keep me going but are like band aids. Last time that I posted I was sent to our west coast office for a month. Near the end of that trip, all I could think of is wanting to go home. I wanted to be with my wife,see my dog and sleep in my own bed. I didn't think that it was fair of them to send someone over 1,000 miles away for a month, but I did it anyway.I thought it would save my job, but in the end it didn't. Recently we were told that our office is closing this fall. I am not sure what I will do.

I do struggle with some things and I am sure they contribute to me falling away from websites that I belong to. For as much as I would like to transition, I cannot right now. I cannot take HRT or have any surgeries because of health issues. Work, some family and friends would be lost if I transitioned. I am not ready for that now. Maybe I will be ok with it someday. My hair is long, ears are pierced and I have had my eyebrows waxed & tinted recently. I have gone out wearing women's clothes and light makeup. I wish that I could do that 24/7. Since I can't dress like that all the time, I get feelings of being an impostor. I look at people who have transitioned with great admiration.

[Lori Dee]

Welcome back, Kay.

Sorry to hear of the issues you are facing. Try to keep a positive attitude. You know you can always come here for support. Reach out any time, even if you just need to vent.

Hang tough, Sister.
You got this.

Hugs!

[Kay226]

To expand on what I wrote yesterday. Things going on can become overwhelming and frustrating. As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude for all the goodness in my life. I have a habit of comparing myself to others. I can see a transgender woman who is a model and half my age and go down a bad rabbit hole of why can't I look like that or why didn't start a transition long ago. The answers to that are: I didn't start a transition like that long ago because many years ago as I was raising a family and at my age trying to look like a model ain't gonna happen. Both of these are old remnants of childhood feelings. I grew up as a pleaser worried about everyone else's feelings and putting my needs last and carried feelings of not being good enough, that I have to be perfect for anything to matter. I need to embrace myself, flaws and all.

Today is going to be a self-care day for me. We have to get groceries this morning, and it is supposed to rain all afternoon. Finally some "me" time.

[ChrissyRyan]

To expand on what I wrote yesterday. Things going on can become overwhelming and frustrating. As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude for all the goodness in my life. I have a habit of comparing myself to others. I can see a transgender woman who is a model and half my age and go down a bad rabbit hole of why can't I look like that or why didn't start a transition long ago. The answers to that are: I didn't start a transition like that long ago because many years ago as I was raising a family and at my age trying to look like a model ain't gonna happen. Both of these are old remnants of childhood feelings. I grew up as a pleaser worried about everyone else's feelings and putting my needs last and carried feelings of not being good enough, that I have to be perfect for anything to matter. I need to embrace myself, flaws and all.

Today is going to be a self-care day for me. We have to get groceries this morning, and it is supposed to rain all afternoon. Finally some "me" time.

Content is a state of mind worth pursuing.

Do get some self care in today.  It can do wonders.

Chrissy

[ChrissyRyan]

I have not posted here in a while, and thought that I would give it another whirl. So much going on, I re-started therapy. I have my daily "go to" for help like walks and listening to my guided meditations. They all keep me going but are like band aids. Last time that I posted I was sent to our west coast office for a month. Near the end of that trip, all I could think of is wanting to go home. I wanted to be with my wife,see my dog and sleep in my own bed. I didn't think that it was fair of them to send someone over 1,000 miles away for a month, but I did it anyway.I thought it would save my job, but in the end it didn't. Recently we were told that our office is closing this fall. I am not sure what I will do.

I do struggle with some things and I am sure they contribute to me falling away from websites that I belong to. For as much as I would like to transition, I cannot right now. I cannot take HRT or have any surgeries because of health issues. Work, some family and friends would be lost if I transitioned. I am not ready for that now. Maybe I will be ok with it someday. My hair is long, ears are pierced and I have had my eyebrows waxed & tinted recently. I have gone out wearing women's clothes and light makeup. I wish that I could do that 24/7. Since I can't dress like that all the time, I get feelings of being an impostor. I look at people who have transitioned with great admiration.

I can appreciate your feelings Kay.

I too have sometimes when it is not wise for me to be out as myself, which means I can still pass as a man.  Things may differ if I was male fail about all the time in male clothing.  Nevertheless, it is uneasy for me to be out as male as that is not me.  Fortunately I can work as myself.

Try to make each day a good one.  I am sorry you are losing your job, that is a tough situation.
Try to keep. Positive mindset. 

Chrissy

[Northern Star Girl]

@Kay226
Dear Kay:
I am so very glad to see that you are updating and posting on your Blog thread. 

Your Blog thread is your HOME here on the Forum where all of your friends, readers, and
followers can find you and keep up with your life endeavors.

In my opinion what you stated is exactly correct...
                "I need to embrace myself, flaws and all."

If I may, I would like to add my thought for you:
    "How can you expect others to accept you if you do not accept yourself?"

When you report successes and good news, we will all rejoice with you....
          and
when you report failures and not-so-good news, we will lend your our shoulders
for you to lean on, and our ears to listen...

Each of us are our own biggest critics... it is important to not be consumed with
any kind of self-criticism or criticism and non-acceptance from others.

    "You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get
      caught up in either one." – John Wooden (American head coach at UCLA)

Continue on with your positive mindset that you stated regarding dealing with your problems:
        "As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to
        minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude
        for all the goodness in my life."

Negative thoughts usually produce negative results...
... conversely, positive thoughts can produce positive results.

Check out this helpful Topic that I had posted back in 2018:
                  Positive Mindset... put away negativity
click link -->    https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,238255.msg2143336.html#msg2143336   

Along with your other followers I will be eagerly looking for and reading your
future updates on your Blog thread and your postings around the Forum.

HUGS, and my best wishes to you as you continue on.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl] 
           

To expand on what I wrote yesterday. Things going on can become overwhelming and frustrating. As I read on this site and others, many people have it so worse than I do. I don't mean to minimize my problems. They are painful at times but I do have to remember to give gratitude for all the goodness in my life. I have a habit of comparing myself to others. I can see a transgender woman who is a model and half my age and go down a bad rabbit hole of why can't I look like that or why didn't start a transition long ago. The answers to that are: I didn't start a transition like that long ago because many years ago as I was raising a family and at my age trying to look like a model ain't gonna happen. Both of these are old remnants of childhood feelings. I grew up as a pleaser worried about everyone else's feelings and putting my needs last and carried feelings of not being good enough, that I have to be perfect for anything to matter. I need to embrace myself, flaws and all.

Today is going to be a self-care day for me. We have to get groceries this morning, and it is supposed to rain all afternoon. Finally some "me" time.

[Kay226]

I am extremely thankful for the support here!!! Thank you and hugs!!!
Early start today. I listened to a guided meditation on self love. It is one of my favorites then I wrote in my journal. We are meeting friends for breakfast. After that we are headed to a local flea market. Yesterday it rained all day, it is supposed to be partly sunny today! At flea markets I look for old vintage pocket knives. It's my thing. Hope that everyone has a beautiful day!

[Gina P]

Collecting old pocket knives sounds interesting. I have few of the swiss army knives and always found them fascinating. Meditation can be a great tool as long as you don't meditate on your problems.  It's great when you can clear your mind. I haven't been to a flee market in some time, I always come home with more stuff! Hugs Gina