Awakening
Then all of sudden between the ages of 10 and 17, nothing, no thoughts crossed my mind, in regards to wanting or wishing I was a girl. What happened to Sarah? The main events that occurred during this time was my family moved to Australia, which I consider to be one of the best things they ever did and my father died of myocardial infraction, in Dec 1972, however he was a sick man, he already had suffered two cerebral haemorrhage's, which basically meant he had very high blood pressure which resulted in him taking 13 tablets a day, I assume to control the high blood pressure. However I digress.
Somewhere between 1973 and 1974, a couple of times I was standing in a circle with my friends and one of them who was going to find out all about me in the future. In fact she was the one I was looking at when the thought crossed my mind that I would like to wear the school dress that she was wearing.
I remember specifically that the dress code for females was a short dress and the colours where the pastel colours lilac, yellow and blue. I remember looking at my friend and I wished I could wear the lilac coloured dress. The longing knows no bounds and thinking about it, comes with a heavy heart and sigh. This is the second time in my life I wanted to wear a dress.
Other than occasionally wearing some female clothing between 1975 and 1976, there was nothing that stood out for me. I was in boarding school and going home for the holidays, there was not much opportunity to be myself.
During the years from 1977 and 1986, several thoughts, feelings and activities on being a female come to mind during these years. In the following paragraphs, I describe what was happening to me and they are mentioned in no particular order, suffice to say they happened. As mentioned these thoughts kept on growing and I guess in a sense they helped me develop as a young lady.
I had just finished high school at boarding school and I was wondering what I was going to do for the rest of my life, because one basically got a trade in those days. I eventually got a certificate in Civil Engineering. This course took 4 years part time and completed it in 1980. This certificate was going to form the basis of my success in living my life as a female.
However, at least a couple of times during those years I was laying on my bed and I was thinking about my issues and what I wanted down stairs and that was, I wanted my private parts gone or to put it in a different way. I wanted to know what it felt like not having those private parts between my legs.
I believe at the time I put my private parts between my legs (tucked away), then I felt and saw what should have been down there, and to me at the time my thoughts were this, "this is what I want, this is what it should be", or something similar. Then after a while I got up and continued with whatever I was going to do next.
One time a couple of bags of make up came into our house, not sure on the exact details but, I was able to put together a couple of bags of makeup for myself which came in handy for later on.
So how did I create my basic wardrobe? I looked at various women magazines and looking at the clothes I saw and liked, I occasionally brought some of these items. This was how I got my personal wardrobe together, in conjunction of going to shops and buying some personal items. I did buy some personal items from some shops, but it was too nerve racking to do regularly.
I was working part time cleaning while studying for my certificate and I worked full time as a government employee for 10 years. I paid for my clothes with a personal check, I had a personal mail box, so parcels could be sent to it and no one would be wiser. I never stole any clothes, because I did not want anybody to know what I was doing.
Where did I store my clothes? I stored my clothes in a specially made gun box to store my guns. I kept my guns under my bed, which were not in the gun box. This was so funny on what I did to hide myself, even then, during these years I did not want to come out.
When I was able to, I got fully dressed and spent some quality time, being myself, one important thing crossed my mind at those times and that was, it felt right, no guilt whatsoever on what I was doing crossed my mind.
However it was not long enough for me and I had to change back. I never considered that I was a cross dresser to me, that label did not suit me and with thoughts like "I like what I saw" and wearing female clothing was natural and more comfortable than wearing men's clothing.
Being able to do this and enjoy those moments were few and far between. To me dressing up as a female was never sexual thing or fetish and definitely it was never for sexual pleasure or gratification.
Funny story, I had some clothes stored on the top shelf of a cupboard and it was unlocked. Someone maybe my brothers or cousin happened to have a look inside and maybe noticed what was there, so that individual went out and told the others. Realising what was going on I took the clothes out put them in the gun box and locked the cupboard.
After I had locked the cupboard my brothers and cousin were trying to get into the cupboard, I was laying on my bed watching them which was so funny, I knew that one of them saw something and then told the others. Eventually I opened the cupboard door and hey nothing to see here, move along. What I had done was the old switcheroo trick.
Silly me or maybe subconsciously I wanted to out myself, because one time I put a nightie out on the end of the bed. I suppose I just wanted to live my life as a female. However, my inner sense of security took over and I put it away.
This is the best way that I can convey, what was going through my mind at the time, yes it was getting stronger and stronger, I suppose one could say, at the time I had gender dysphoria, but in the late 1980's this description was not around. I was for all intent and purposes my mind was stable.
Why was I not affected so much about these thoughts as other girls have suffered intensely from this, or for want of a better description 'medical condition', I really don't know and I need to find out why, probably I might visit a therapist in the future and truly unravel myself, that would certainly be interesting.
And at some stage during this period I was learning to do macho things, I did this to deflect away the attention of what I was. Other things that I did was I had a moustache (so frigging unbelievable) and maybe scuba diving, flying gliders, shooting and parachuting. Not extreme macho stuff, but just enough.
I read in a playboy or penthouse magazine an article that was several pages long and at the started of the article there was an outline of a man and several images later all outlines the man changed into a female. Revelation finally, so if one can find this particular article then one will know when I found out at the time that I was transsexual. Normally I would not use this term, however for the sake of clarity I will use the word sparingly.
Fleeting moments in time that made me very happy and contented. The only other time this feeling was exceeded was just after my operation and I woke up for the second time.
Things started to change dramatically during the years 1986 and 1987, not that I can remember any think specific, but two major turning points, or events occurred. I went on holidays in 1986 near Christmas time and I was traveling to Brisbane and I pulled into a place called Mataranka Springs a lovely place. I took care of my facial hair and somehow I got properly dressed, cannot remember if I applied makeup or not, it does not matter, finally Sarah B was free for the first time.
Breathing the fresh air for the first time in her life, she got into her car relaxed and drove off listening to John Denver, Olivia Newton John and Flashdance, I traveled across and down the east coast of Australia and I took my bloody time. Well actually it only lasted a couple of days. Satisfaction guaranteed? Absolutely, I was in my element.
Sarah B was free the second time and was more prepared to say the least. I went on holidays again in 1987 near Christmas time, basically the repeat of last years excursion. However, with a difference, I spent nights in the local YMCA hotels, went to movies, dinners and tourist attractions. I cannot remember how I presented myself, this time around, I was having the time of my life. I could not get enough of this life. So with a heavy heart and a sigh, Sarah B returned to her family and friends.
During 1988, everything in a sense got turned upside down, Sarah B wanted to be free again, the enjoyment she had from those two holidays was beyond anything she had ever encountered in her entire life up to this point in time. My uncle who said, "I should go and live my life as a female" and eventually my epiphany occurring certainly steered my thoughts in the right direction on what I should do with my future. So finally I decided to take long service leave from the government, I planned to maximize the time I could live as Sarah B and that amount of time available to me was about a year.
So early in February 1989, I got into my car, dressed casually, little makeup on and my hair in a braid, had my ears pierced for the first time. I left my family and friends behind. I did not look back in the rear view mirror so to speak. Sarah B did not know at that time, that she was never ever coming back. Sarah B was finally free forever and fully Awake.
Best Wishes and Hugs
Sarah B
