Saw a therapist. Lots to think about

[FreyaLinBella]

Hi everyone,

I saw a therapist yesterday. Basically unloaded everything. She helped me put a few things into perspective. I also have more questions than I did before. I've decided to start making an outline of the steps I need to take to get to a better me.
This is step one.

I feel really, really stuck in my relationship at the moment. It's the one hurdle holding me back from everything else.

I've been doing whatever I can lately to feel better in my body, without totally giving it away. I've been regularly shaving as much of my body hair as I can with the exception of lower legs and forearms. Been cleaning up my eyebrows over time and I don't think she's noticed. I'm growing my hair out for the first time in years. She doesn't really care, but still asks why, and I tell her I'm just changing up my style. I've been wearing necklaces when it was never a thing for me before. I mentioned that I'd like to get my ears pierced. She didn't act shocked or anything, I kinda have a punk-ish style, so I don't really feel like it's out of character for me. I've also lost 40lbs in the last year. She wonders what changed, why I'm trying so hard now compared to before.

I recently shared with her that I was sexually assaulted when I was 8. She responded as I expected, she listened, was supportive and said that it explains a lot about our lack of intimacy. We've been out of sync for years and we aren't really intimate at all anymore.

I know that I was already confused about my gender before it happened. It's given me more trust issues than anything really. And anger. It took a part of me.

I feel like I'll never be able to explain it to her–the real reason for my disassociation with intimacy, because I don't think she'll understand it at all. From what I've gathered, her stance on trans people is they should just "be gay". I wish I could find support in her but I'm so afraid to try.

There's a moment or two everyday where I mouth the words to her when she's not looking, just imagining having it off my chest. The words finally entering her ears, and the repercussions that follow. But it stays in. I don't know how far her feelings will push her. We work together, she knows all my friends. She could ruin me quickly.

She said she had a dream a few nights ago where there was this unshakable feeling of something I wasn't telling her.

Two times in the last month she's said it looks like I'm wearing eyeliner. I tried a new liquid one that tends to leave a subtle shadow behind even after cleaning it off.

My eyes get irritated and discolored at times, due to seasonal allergies. So it's an easy out. But she brought it up twice.

We were watching Sons of Anarchy last weekend, a trans woman named Venus was introduced and her story unfolds throughout the season. She and Tig, one of the main characters, ultimately fall for one another.

She thought it was adorable.

Has her stance on trans people changed since noticing the changes I've been making? Maybe she's been doing her own research in private, in preparation for a discussion? Is my behavior obvious?

I am just so conflicted and filled with anxiety. Trust issues are making it really hard to move forward with this.

Does she suspect it? But wants me to feel safe telling her on my own? Give her a chance to understand? Maybe she would be supportive. Maybe she really doesn't mind trans people? Maybe she has secrets I don't know about? Maybe it would bring us closer? Maybe she'd be into it?

Am I flushing a long term relationship down the toilet because I'm afraid of being hurt? Hurt her to avoid being hurt myself? Does my sometimes distant nature contribute to her unpredictable behavior at times? Let her think our failed relationship was on her? Like she single handedly wasted her 20's in a relationship with someone that ultimately decided to leave her? When I too feel guilt for leading her down a decade-long rabbit hole?

I am so tired of living in a limbo. If anyone would like to share a similar experience I'm all ears.

Hey you, thanks for reading!
freyalin

[Faith]

If you can find my original topic of "Faith's Progress" without the 2.0 I have a lot about coming out in a long-term relationship.  Everyone's story is different yet similar. In my case, I made no changes outwardly until she knew. The nervous fear I felt prior to telling her was off the charts.

The risk of negative reaction is high, I was/am one of the lucky ones. 35+ years married at that point, I was 57. We hit 42 years married in a few months.  Struggles, oh yeah. Ups and down, lots. It's a rocky road and we still aren't 100% certain where it will lead.

Time spent well together is never wasted even though some will always perceive it that way. Wasted time is the time spent not telling when you know you should.  We can't decide that, only you can. It can absolutely be an end to everything, it can also be a beginning.

[imallie]

Hey there Freyalin -

Thanks for sharing! And I'm so happy to hear you took that first big leap into meeting with a therapist. It's such a help to have a sounding board — especially if it's someone with both professional training and experience who can guide you on your personal journey.

As for your wife, well like Faith I'm one of the lucky ones. I told my wife a few years ago and she's been my biggest supporter on this journey so far. Others, of course haven't had the same experience.

But you know what? "Luck" doesn't really have anything to do with it. Those partners who are good with it, and those who aren't... there's not judgement about either group. Some people just aren't wired to be able to handle life in that kind of partnership.  But it doesn't mean she won't be supportive of you.

There are countless possible outcomes when you do tell your wife, but the only thing you can guarantee for sure is that she probably deserves for herself the chance to make these choices as to how to react — rather than just have you guessing.

Whether or not you ultimately find you can keep this to yourself for the rest of your life or not, that's up to you and hopefully your therapist. But if you do decide to tell your wife, your therapist can be a wonderful resource as to HOW and WHEN to do it... what to say, etc...

Because one thing is true - you only get one shot at telling her, and if you do it, you want to do so with as much compassion and empathy towards what she might experience in that moment as possible.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and again... so happy to hear you took the big therapy leap!

Love,
Allie

[Jessica_K]

You can never tell with a relationship how it will go. I took the plunge over 5 years ago and was expecting support but no. Lead balloons come to mind. But with my compromises we are still together and I transitioned.

You are giving lots of hints away and I am sure it's been noticed, us women are very observant. Has your relationship changed at all, that is usually a sign that things have been noticed.

Coming out to loved ones is a very hard thing to do and as mentioned before seeing that therapist is a very good step to work things out with yourself. You need to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

But sometimes the choice is taken from us and transition is the only way to survive. It has taken the 5 years to get to a place of improved relationship with my wife. She will never accept me, but she has accepted that I am a trans woman. We still live together and have some nice times and things are improving.

Like others here I have a blog going the early posts before the crash has my story plus the first posts after the crash kinda goes through it again.

Hugs to you Freyalin
Jessica
Xxx