So confused

[Helen994]

Hey everyone

So erm not really sure how to write this so I'll try put it the best way I can. I'm so confused about these feeling I'm having about my gender identity and I just don't understand what's going on in my head.

For context I'm male at birth but I don't feel it all the while only very little. I wish I was born female, like I don't hate my body but it's just like meh. I don't care about the clothes on my back (unless it's like a nerd thing thing like a lord of the rings or metallica T-shirt), I wish my hair was longer and could style it and go to the salon like a woman's and if you were to look at my videos that come up automatically on my fb it would be all about dyeing and styling hairs and bridal hairs etc (I do like my hair but oddly only when I cut it and spike it), when I'm in the gym I feel like I should be more happier about my progress like I've got a mate and he's always complementing about how far I've come along and getting bigger muscles, but when I look in the mirror I just like yeah it's good but still meh.

Hobbies wise I've always tried to push away from things that may sound gay, like pretending I don't like or sing along to chick flicks, that I don't like Taylor swift (who I refused to listen to be begin with but actually realised she's >-bleeped-<ing awesome) and kesha for example just simply cause of the stereotypes associated with it.

I've just come out as bi to a few friends but thst still feels wrong to me, like im attracted to straight guys (and women) and don't really find gay guys that attractive but its feels wrong me saying that i just want to let them be a 'top' like in my head it feels like it should be the front not the back. I've enjoyed sex with women but I've always much preferred it when my "friend" isn't being touched but I'll still do it and feel ok about it I just don't prefer it and that feels like it's messed up cause surely I shouldn't be enjoying it if I would rather it be replaced??

Like I said I'm so messed up and confused I don't even know what's going on anymore.

If you've read this far thank you for putting up with it and dealing with it and any advice would be greatly appreciated x

Helen x

[Jessica_Rose]

Hello Helen,

I'm Jessica Rose. Welcome to Susan's Place!

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[Devlyn]

Hi Helen, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm confused, are you saying you do or don't like
the Metallica and LOTR T-shirts? 

Working through the bit about who we are, what we want, and how to get there is the
difficult part of our journey. But there will always be people on this site ready
and willing to help you find your path. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Lilis]

Hi Helen and welcome,

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now, and it's totally okay to feel confused. There's no right or wrong answer when it comes to figuring out your gender identity or sexuality.

You are not alone in this. There are many people who experience similar feelings on this forums, and there are shared experiences available on this forums written by those before you to help you explore them. Many will listen and support you in any way they can when they read this message.

Be patient with yourself, exploring gender identity and sexuality can take time.

[imallie]

Hey there Helen - and welcome!

You've found a good place to meet like-minded people who will understand what you're going through, and be able to tell you about their journeys... which, while they will be unique to them, will give you some ideas maybe as to questions to ask and how to look at your own situation going forward.

Everyone here is always really willing to listen, and offer advice if you that's what you want... or just tell you all the millions of things we've done wrong or dozens of things we did ok on our paths, so maybe those will help you on yours. 😘

One thing I would definitely recommend? I can't tell you how many of us have really found it helpful to speak to a qualified gender therapist. Hopefully you have access to one or more in your area... otherwise there are some who are available via zoom.. it's all about who works for you, if you can get your insurance to cover (most can), etc.. etc..

But it's really something worth looking into.  If you go to psycologytoday dot com they will have a list of therapists, and you can search by area, and speciality, insurance, etc... and that's a really good starting point.

Either way, glad to have you here and hope you find being a part of this community helpful!

Love,
Allie

[Helen994]

Hey lovelies thank you for the really warm welcome ☺️

Haha yeah I love the Metallica and Lord of the rings tops and will literally always be my go to without my even realising.

I am 100% going to be going counselling because even if I am wrong I want to understand the way I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it, like this has been happening for the years and I keep pushing it aways but it always comes back no matter what.

I downloaded an app called FaceApp last night and all day I've been changing my pictures to a gendered swapped version and I nearly wept. It's going to sound silly but when I looked at them I finally felt like I was actually looking back at me, as opposed to when I look at the original pics or me in the mirror where i just see this random guy I've come to know.

[Devlyn]

Faceapp can be fun, but there are concerns about their data privacy policies. Use it at your own risk.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Helen.  Welcome!

I am glad that you are planning to see a counsellor / therapist.  That is definitely the best way to work through confusion.  Just make sure that they are well-versed in gender issues.

Most of us have been in similar positions as we started to become aware of the conflict between our inner identity and the dictates of society.  You have definitely come to the right place to seek advice and opinions.

[LoriDee]

Hi, Helen!

Welcome to Susan's Place.
Take your time to figure things out. You probably won't get instant answers. Be patient. The answers you get may raise more questions. There are no right or wrong answers. It is your path to discover. Everyone else is just a guide to show you where they have been.

Hope to see you around.

[Helen994]

Hey everyone I'm really sorry for the slow replies just life has been crazy with work.

I am 100% going to be going to a gender therapist at the end of the month (or at least booking in for an appointment)

I'm just started to get even more scared now because I'm assuming they'll be talking about my past and when I first started noticing things. And my issues is like there's always been signs but a lot of my childhood and definitely teen years I can't remember cause I've blacked it out from abuse I got from my mums ex husband but it's like the stuff that does appear most prominent is always related to issues about gender identity, and I'm just scared if this is normal or not?

[Northern Star Girl]

@Helen994
Dear Helen:
Thank you for sharing regarding your plans to make an appointment to see a Gender Therapist.
It is important that you follow through and do this. 

My unsolicited advice for you is to NOT hold back any information or details during  your discussions
with your therapist... they can only help you if you are candid with them and you share your genuine
feelings and thoughts.

I am eagerly looking forward to reading your updates and any additional sharing that you
feel comfortable posting here on the Forum.

Wishing you well in your continuing journey.
HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Hey everyone I'm really sorry for the slow replies just life has been crazy with work.

I am 100% going to be going to a gender therapist at the end of the month (or at least booking in for an appointment)

I'm just started to get even more scared now because I'm assuming they'll be talking about my past and when I first started noticing things. And my issues is like there's always been signs but a lot of my childhood and definitely teen years I can't remember cause I've blacked it out from abuse I got from my mums ex husband but it's like the stuff that does appear most prominent is always related to issues about gender identity, and I'm just scared if this is normal or not?

[LoriDee]

Helen,

I had similar experiences. The key is to have a therapist that you trust enough to open up to. Everything you discuss is confidential and will not be shared with anyone. Any notes entered into your records are discussed in a very clinical manner without describing details.

You must be able to explore these things for a number of reasons. The therapist needs to understand what happened and how it affected you then and how it affects you now. There were things that I discussed with my psychologist that enabled him to confirm gender dysphoria. It also helps them plan what types of counseling will help you move past any traumas.

It is difficult and even embarrassing, but no less important. They will not be interested in recording the details, instead, they are listening for what generally happened that may have caused your reaction. The details are important but only so that the therapist will have a context of the situations you are dealing with.

I wish you the best of luck.