New here, and outted

[Robbyv213]

So this is a long story. And I apologize, I use talk to text since I Access this forum on my Mobil phone. And I appreciate you all hanging in there and reading.

Anyways where to being. Like the headliner says I was outted by my wife. Granted she didn't know, she was expecting something very different. Anyways. Here's to full version.

I have been dealing with think and feeling that I am and want to be a woman all my life. As long as I can remember since childhood. There could be a few contributing factors to this. Maybe due to my mom and dad being divorced and only raised by the women in the family or maybe even the sexual abuse I went through as a family member used me to discover that he himself is gay. Who knows... But the fact remains. As long as I can remember I have always been envious of the female body. I've always wanted a V instead of a P. Always wanted the curves and the hips. The whole package. Sadly I was born a boy. So I figured this was never going to happen. And I was able to repress and forget about these thoughts and feelings.

As the years passed. They would come and go. I always managed to repress them. Not sure why now they're back. Not sure why I can't seem to repress them anymore. Maybe stress,.maybe too much visual stimulation from social media and you tube on how many more.people are coming out in general. Maybe it was years of porn and the slow progression of porn from soft to some.of the more extreme kinds. Who knows.

[Robbyv213]

Fact of the matter is I have always been able to repress it, and forget about it. It's always been a secret of mine. Even if it has caused a great deal of depression and even suicidal idealization.
 
So since this wasn't going away this time I decided I'd continue my research I've always looked into transitioning and everything that goes with it over the years but I've been much more actively researching and gathering information as much as I could. Started speaking with the therapist granted I've only had two sessions with him before the house fire and haven't had any sense but even he has expressed a lot of things that I was not aware of or didn't even think about. I even reached out to a few individuals who have already transitioned I'm happy they even decided to write me back since I imagine they get a lot of messages from people on social media asking questions and their advice and whatnot.

Anyways this is always been a secret of mine I've always figured it would go away to an extent maybe come back every now and again but not to this extreme as it has so I've never really felt obligated to tell anyone about it. Well with everything going on house fire wife finding out bad news about her stepdad having cancer and not sure how long he has to live our marriage being on unstable ground for a long time now people deal with things differently and my way was always to shut down and focus on the task and that's it I don't talk about things I don't share my feelings I don't do any of that. When I try people usually misunderstand me I don't know or feel that I can communicate in a way that people understand what I'm trying to say without me pissing them off for lack of a better words. So with everything going on I'm pulling away distancing myself. Not that I am doing those things on purpose but it is just what I do to deal with stress

[Robbyv213]

So 4 days ago I come home from work. It's been another late day and trying to move stuff from our three storage units to bring to our new house clean up and move it in to try and repair things and move on with life after the fire. I get in the shower and do my normal routine and about halfway through as I'm shaving my body my wife comes in and asked me what the hell this is and she's holding my phone. Granted I don't know what she's talking about initially because I can't see what's on my phone that she's ranting about. Long story short she went in my phone got on social media and started going through my conversations with people. Granted she probably thought she was going to catch me having an affair with somebody else or talking to another woman and starting a relationship behind her back. But what she found was conversations of me reaching out to individuals who have already transitioned trying to gather information and do my own research get advice anything and everything that I could possibly take away from these individuals for my benefit trying to figure out what's going on with me and why I'm having these feelings and why they're not going away this time.

Definitely not what she had expected. But as I'm standing there naked in the shower with a razor blade in my hand I'm getting the third degree feels like the Spanish Inquisition. I'm literally standing there trying to answer her questions a lot of the same questions I don't even have for myself answered standing there ashamed afraid sobbing. Not knowing where this is all going to lead now definitely not how I thought my evening was going to go.  As you can imagine I was feeling many different emotions and feelings. Most of all feeling betrayed and that my trust in my wife to not break boundaries and to not allow me my individual privacy is now gone. Everything I do is now under a microscope it feels like anything I buy on Amazon anything I bring up it doesn't matter somehow it all goes back to me keeping a secret from my wife which apparently is just as bad as me physically sticking my penis inside another woman and having sex with her.

[Robbyv213]

So finally get out of the shower and find her on the bed still reading my phone and a pretty long argument fight conversation ensues afterwards I
know I should have told.my wife when we were dating about this side of myself. I know I was wrong in withholding this from her. I felt I could deal with it like I always do.

I can't imagine to understand what my wife is feeling and going through I'm sure we both are equally feeling the same amount of pain hurt anger mistrust and everything else. She's just as afraid and concerned about our future as I am what it's all going to mean to her and our family and friends and everything.

Seems like everyday we end up getting into an argument or conversation about all this and she's really just trying to figure out and ask questions but it comes off a lot differently and it definitely feels one-sided in the way she approaches the topics.

I can tell you I feel that I only have two choices that I remain the same for the sake of my wife and our family and everything and everyone that knows us and keep things as normal as possible. Or I explore this side of myself and potentially lose my wife my family friends life as I know it will never be the same. Granted life will never be the same anyways after all this I could not do anything and still lose my wife because our marriage is already been on the rocks and we have horrible communication skills.

Or I can explore this and decide to transition and have my wife and family leave me anyways at some point because this isn't what they signed up for and I did not give them any choice by keeping it a secret. So do I attempt to live life as I've always done and hope that the depression and everything else doesn't get too much to wear I ultimately take my own life. Do I decide to explore this and who knows maybe potentially transition in some form or everything under the sun that I could possibly do and I could still end up unhappy and still have lost everything either way it's a huge gamble no matter what I do.

[Robbyv213]

There is some kind of sense of relief that she knows but at the same time I feel like it's a giant elephant in the room walking on eggshells even if we aren't actively having the conversation about transition and what it all means and what I need from her and what she expects or needs from me. 

After all this has gone on she's still here she hasn't asked me for divorce or asked me to find somewhere else to live or even asked me to sleep in a different part of the house. So I guess that's a good sign for now she does love me but she is who she is and she has told me many times she's not attracted to women and if I become one she doesn't know how long she'll be able to stick around she likes men she likes having sex with men if I am not a man then our relationship and marriage especially the physical aspect will change forever and either we find a compromise and a way around it or I guess ultimately the relationship is over maybe we still be friends we still love and care about each other but a marriage is probably going to dissolve. And if I transition who knows how I may evolve and who knows what things change about me as of right now I'm still attracted to my wife and women will I be a lesbian so to speak if I become a woman or will my orientation change as I continue to take hormones and feel more feminine. As I've read a lot on the internet and again by no means these are experts saying these things but the most feminine thing a man can do is to be with another man, as in being the female or playing the female role while having sexual intercourse with a man. 

And to complicate things further my wife has children with her ex they're not too young but they're still living with us and they're still sharing custody and of course she's afraid she might lose custody if I ever come out officially in transition because there's a lot of negative stereotypes around being trans in general.

It's a very complicated matter. But like I said for now we're still married we're still talking there have been no ultimatums and she's still around. We even made love a few days later and it was intense and felt amazing but again we'll see how things develop maybe it was just make up sex who knows.

[Robbyv213]

As for now I'm going to continue or restart my therapy sessions. I'm going to continue to try and answer all these questions for myself with the help of doing research and talking to people and professionals. And we've agreed to be open and honest to be transparent to not do anything without discussing it first in terms of transitioning. Which is probably the best route. 

With all this said I'm still not so sure my marriage will survive this we're both hurt and we both lost a lot of trust and I feel like now nothing personal is off limits and that there are no personal boundaries I can't even have deep personal thoughts remain my own if she would have it her way. I feel every step I take to explore and find out who I am is a step away from her my marriage and family.

All I know is that I'm not getting any younger and I feel like owe it to myself to at least explore an experiment with this and see if it feels right or if it feels like this is been The missing Link in my life all this time or who knows I could be like what the f*** am I doing this is stupid and silly this is not for me I don't know but I feel I at least owe it to myself to explore this side of me. I wish I had done it a long time ago because if I did ultimately end up deciding to transition I'd have a whole lot more time to become the woman I meant to be. Versus trying to transition later on in life which is not impossible as I've seen many of you on this forum successfully do that but there's always that what if in the back of your head that if you did it sooner how things would have turned out would you have been more pleased with your transition and body and dysphoria versus doing it later in life.

I know life doesn't always give us the best options and timing for when things happen and there's always a great deal of things to consider in every decision we make.

So for now I am still me I'm still a male and presenting as a male I'm questioning my gender, and what it all means and what are all the possible outcomes good and bad but it's hard to see the good when initially all you're going to see and deal with is the negative consequences. I am hopeful which is weird because I am a very typically pessimistic and negative person and personality. I just usually always prepare for the worst and I'm usually right in doing so. But I just feel like I can't continue living life the way I'm living it I need to finally resolve this issue versus trying to repress it.

So far 2024 has been one hell of a roller coaster ride.

[Robbyv213]

Sorry it's so long. It would only let me type so much at a time.

It's a month or so now since all this happened and nothing's changed. It's the elephant in the room that we ignore. It has been swept under the rug. Life is ok. We aren't fighting and we make love occasionally so that's good, but it's eatting me up inside. It's not going away and I feel the longer I try to ignore it the more dramatic ways it will lash out

[BlueJaye]

Hi, Robby,
Your story is somewhat similar to mine in that I always knew I was a girl since my earliest childhood memories. Though the sexual abuse and pron stuff you mentioned was never a part of my life. And that is what I often tell people about that kind of stuff. I don't believe any amount of sexual abuse or porn or social media makes somebody transgender. I grew up in the absence of all that stuff and here I am, in the same boat. Just as transgender as you.

Did that stuff have an impact on your life? I'm sure it did, and therapy is the venue for addressing those issues. But there is nothing you can point your finger at and say "that's the reason why I am how I am" when it comes to gender identity.

I'm sorry that your wife ambushed you and attacked you in such a vulnerable moment. Nobody should be ambushed while naked in a shower. That was entirely uncalled for, and I honestly don't think I would be able to ever trust her again had I been in your shoes in that situation. Since she had been reading your messages, she would have already understood that this was a very painful and confusing portion of your life and to treat you in that way was intentionally cruel and demeaning.

I guess I am hopeful to some degree, since she didn't immediately leave you or file for divorce. But given how she treated you, I wouldn't be super surprised if she is making an exit plan and just waiting until she feels like she has a plan in place before she ends the marriage.

But, who knows. I went through a two year separation from my wife, and even after all that, we're still together and our marriage is better than it has been in a long time.

[LoriDee]

Hi Robby,

I understand what you are going through and it is rough. I strongly feel that therapy is going to help you here. If you decide to transition or not. The turmoil you are experiencing is exactly the kind of thing a therapist can guide you through.

I can also understand your wife's being shocked, as she was expecting something totally different. Would she be open to going to therapy with you as a couple? The therapist can help you work on your issues, help her with her issues, and work with both of you to sort things out.

I think it is a very good sign that she did not ask for a divorce, or kick you out. The fact that you are still together could indicate that she is at least willing to try to understand. You said you have poor communication skills. This could be why you and she are misunderstanding each other and having difficulty discussing this very important issue. Again, a therapist can help both of you to express yourselves to each other.

Even if things don't work out between you, the therapist can help you get through that too. You have had it rough and you deserve to live your life as you wish. Not everyone will be on board and it will be painful. But the result is a happier you and you will make new friends.

You are not alone in this. As you know, we have a ton of information and experience right here. Perhaps you could find a story that you relate to and share that with your wife. Maybe that will help her understand. We have a Significant Others sub-forum here. She is welcome to join and ask questions and get advice, same as you. We are here to help in any way we can.

My psychologist said something that has stuck with me over the years:

"It should not be difficult for you to be yourself."

[Robbyv213]

Thank you everyone. Just trying to get through life day by day. I have been finding it harder to concentrate on anything but this. Work is suffering, and I'm sure I'm not all their on my family and husband duties as well.

[LoriDee]

Thank you everyone. Just trying to get through life day by day. I have been finding it harder to concentrate on anything but this. Work is suffering, and I'm sure I'm not all their on my family and husband duties as well.

That is certainly understandable. Dysphoria affects people differently, from mild to severe. If you are being strongly affected, please make therapy a priority. Things don't get better without it. The longer you put it off, the worse your problems can get. Please do this so that you, your work, and those around you do not suffer. Your life is important. Please take care of yourself.

Hugs!

[Sarah B]

Hello Robby

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

Where to begin?  That is the question in beginning your journey, if one wants to call it that or in my case how do I help you in some small way.

I have never heard the raw emotions of one letting out how they feel in an introduction post.  It has touched me very much so.  I say to new members, I'm always learning something new and I have certainly have, with the pain you are going to through.

In regards to your posts, I will answer some of the more salient points.  However, I noticed that you have been looking around Susan's Place and I noticed that you came across one of my posts called 'Future me'.

Yes, inspirational in the sense that a journey of a thousand miles, begins with just one step, a very small step or in my case big steps.  It is up to each and every individual to determine how fast or slow they go in achieving their dreams.

In your post that you wrote about in 'Future Me' you said:

Thank you for writing this. It is very inspiring and gives me hope.

I am 37 and for many reasons I feel I can transition for at least 4 years. There is so much wasted time. I don't know if I can wait 4 years, ignoring and repressing her.

Thank you again for your inspirational post

I thank you for your kind words and I wrote this post so that others can have the hope that it is possible to realize their dreams regardless of what happens around them.  Your age should be no barrier as there are children and adults in their 70's changing their lives around.  So age is no reason for you not to start.

As they say; "it's better late than never".  I was 30 years old when I changed my life around and 2 years later I had my surgery.  Although this is not the shortest, I believe the shortest time to change is one year and this is because of the SOC and WPATH guidelines.

There is no point trying to suppressing these feelings, it has never worked and there is to my knowledge, that no one has succeeded in suppressing these feelings.  If suppressed long enough and hard enough these feelings will come back to bite you even harder on the backside.  There are members here on Susan's who can attest to this.

In my blog called Sarah B's Story.  I give a short description and a long winded version of what I did to change my life around, you find it my clicking on the following links.

• Sarah's Race to SRS Part I
• Sarah's Race to SRS Part II preamble

There are other stories by various members and I would suggest, when you get the chance to sit down alone, with a cup of 'coffee' and read that; "you are not alone", in what you are experiencing at this moment in time.

I cannot help, you in regards to your wife and the children, as I never married and I did not have children.  BlueJaye and LoriDee have provided their perspective views in response to your postings.  There are other members were their wives and children have stayed and those that have not.

In my case, I left my family and friends behind and I was prepared never to see them ever again.  They did not know that I was going to change my life around.  I was prepared to sacrifice everything so that I could live my life as a female.

I also suggest that you continue with your 'therapy' whether it is a psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor that specializes in the area of gender therapy, to help you with your current issues.  Please understand that neither your parents divorce, or the abuse you have suffered or what you have done in your life has contributed the way you feel and want to be.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the various forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most members have experienced these as well.

You have mentioned in your very first post that you served in the Marines.  I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your service.

Take care of yourself first and foremost, because if you do not, then how can you care for others as well.  Please ask for help if you need it.  Members will try there utmost to help you and if they are unable to, they usually can point you in the direction that you need to go.  If you need any help then the following link Transgender Help will provide you with contacts, that will enable you to do so.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Robbyv213

[Gina P]

Hello Robby,
   I read your intro posts, yes all of it and am very touched by it. Much of it is very similar to my life. First I would like to say suicide is NOT AN OPTION! Nor will it fix anything.
  Growing up I also felt the want/need to be a woman. repressed these feelings by crossdressing occasionally, porn, stories, fantasy's, church/prayer, working, you name it. Married had a son. But was a miserable SOB. GD does not get easier as we age. I came out to my wife of 35 years. We had the "I'm not a lesbian, not what I signed up for talk. She agreed to stick it out for a while and see where it leads. I told her we could always go our separate ways. I feel our relationship has become stronger and better as i become more intuned with my feelings and less hostile. We shop, dine out, and spend time together without many fights. Sex has become a thing of the past thanks to HRT but I find I don't miss it that much. Being 'out' and expressing female has taken such a lode off my shoulders. I am due to have my SRS next month and she says she will be there for me.
  Find a 'good' therapist who you feel comfortable with. This can help immensely. Explain to the wife that you are trying to figure this out as you go and that you never meant to deceive her. Give her time to digest all this. It may takes months, years, or it might never happen. You must be happy in what ever place you are in. Be brave sister! We are here for you.
Hugs Gina