Is detransitioning always the wise decision?

[CosmicJoke]

Hi everyone. I believe it has happened where some people may have been led to believe that they are transgender and transitioning was what was right for them. Maybe they end up finding out it was something else so they detransition. In this case that was the right decision for them.
I think maybe there are other times people do it but then it turns out to be a mistake. I'm sure it has happened alot of times. Maybe when you see how you are treated as a woman you think "it's so much easier just to be a man" and vice versa.
My question is just that. Is detransitioning always the wise decision?

[Northern Star Girl]

@CosmicJoke

You are missing additional wording in the subject title of
your topic "Is detransitioning always the wise decision?"

The other question that should be stated in this topic and thread is:
      "Is transitioning always the wise decision?"

A wise decision for one person may not be a wise decision for another.

The answer that one gives is very dependent on personal desires and needs
plus the circumstances (and resultant consequences) that will involve health,
relationships, employment, finances, etc, etc.

Great question, however ... there is not an answer that fits everyone as you
so aptly stated in our original posting.

Your question is definitely food for thought and personal introspection.

Thank you for sharing and posting. 

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Hi everyone. I believe it has happened where some people may have been led to believe that they are transgender and transitioning was what was right for them. Maybe they end up finding out it was something else so they detransition. In this case that was the right decision for them.
I think maybe there are other times people do it but then it turns out to be a mistake. I'm sure it has happened alot of times. Maybe when you see how you are treated as a woman you think "it's so much easier just to be a man" and vice versa.
My question is just that. Is detransitioning always the wise decision?

[Devlyn]

Danielle hit it right on the head. I'll just add that it's never anyone else's decision whether transitioning or not is right. People get to make their own decisions. We don't make decisions for them.

[ChrissyRyan]

This is as personal decision.

I see nothing wrong for someone to voluntarily seek out professional help in regards to transitioning or detransitioning.  You should be sure about which way to go!


Chrissy

[Maid Marion]

I think I was too short to benefit from male privilege.
In any case I routinely get more respect presenting as a woman!

[Devlyn]

Hi everyone. I believe it has happened where some people may have been led to believe that they are transgender and transitioning was what was right for them. Maybe they end up finding out it was something else so they detransition. In this case that was the right decision for them.
I think maybe there are other times people do it but then it turns out to be a mistake. I'm sure it has happened alot of times. Maybe when you see how you are treated as a woman you think "it's so much easier just to be a man" and vice versa.
My question is just that. Is detransitioning always the wise decision?

Are you detransitioning, or do you think you were erroneously led to believe that you were transgender? Because otherwise you're simply asking us to judge others, and I feel that would be extremely poor form.

[Jessica_K]

This is a subject I will not comment on

Jessica

[LoriDee]

I had an Endo tell me that a patient came to an appointment with her and announced that she was no longer transgender, and left without explanation. I assumed she meant she had completed her transition, but the Endo said sometimes people change their minds.

The whole purpose of the mental health evaluation is to determine if you are experiencing Gender Dysphoria. To what extent a transition one might pursue, is definitely a personal matter. But I don't understand how someone could be misdiagnosed and the "cause" is some other condition. How is that possible? Was the diagnoser incompetent?

I can understand someone changing their mind for a variety of reasons. Pressure from family or friends that they do not want to alienate. Or maybe, as CosmicJoke stated, maybe it is easier for them to not transition. In either case, the individual decided that any dysphoria was tolerable. Again, that is their personal decision, but does that make the diagnosis wrong?

As Chrissy stated, either way, a mental health evaluation should still be in order to determine the why behind their decision, and then to offer support to help them carry out their wishes.

[Sarah B]

Hi Everyone

Transitioning or DeTransitioning if one ever considers it.  Is up to that person and only that person.  The number of people detransitioning, without quoting numbers is very small.

So is it wise for those who want to detransition? Yes, and for those who want to transition (no I did not transition) is it wise? Yes.

In my early days on Susan's for the first time, I made the following post and you can click on the following link First Mention to see that post.

Over my dead body would I ever detransition.  However, thinking about being a male, thinking about what I once had, makes me feel sick to the core and I would rather die than become a man.

Recently in another similar thread I made the following statement:

. . . .

OK to be brutally honest there were two instances where I paused and considered what I was doing with my life, one was the consideration of de-transitioning. However, that was never going to fly in the face of it.  Why? I was standing in the middle of George Street, Sydney and I was thinking about others, that were considering reversing what they were doing and I thought what I had to do to achieve this, breast removal was one of the thoughts racing through my mind at the time. 

However, thinking about this, 30 seconds at most or a very short period of time, a sickening feeling came over me and I immediately and emphatically said no to myself about this.   There was no chance in hell, I was ever going back to the way that I lived and to this day thinking about how I lived makes me sick to the stomach, in other words it makes me very nauseous.

The other time where I considered the ramifications of what I was doing and possibly could of ended up not going ahead with the surgery, was on the day of my surgery. My friend at the time was driving my car and we arrived at the hospital and I sat there thinking about what lay ahead and realized that if I went ahead there was no turning back, but I only dwelt on these thoughts only for about a minute or so.

Actually my mind was basically blank at the time.  I already knew with out fear, what I was going to do, I did not know what the future was going to hold for me, not that I thought about that at the time, so I got out of the car and walked into the hospital and as they say, the rest is history. . . . .

You can click on the following link Second Mention to see that post.

As an aside.  Did I need 'therapy'?  No, although I had to do 'therapy' to get my letters. I had no gender or body dysphoria. Not that these two issues were ever discussed in my 'therapy' sessions.  I had no problems whatsoever.

I was living my life as a female, had my head screwed on correctly and that if I made a wrong decision then I was totally responsible for my actions.  That is what I believe my psychiatrists saw and why I got my surgery letters.

Finally as I always have said, "I have never regretted what I have done" and "I will always be eternally grateful for my surgeon" and the part where he states in a letter; "that the surgery is irreversible".  I always say, "Thank god for that."

Take care and all the best for the future.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

[Maid Marion]

Men and women are judged differently.  When you are a guy it is very helpful to be a tall rich guy.  Not so much for women, who are judged more on how you look. If you look good as a women, you not only get the benefit of the doubt, but some folks will show obvious favoritism toward you.  Sometimes I think that if the "Karens" of the world got treated as nicely as I did, they wouldn't have to be "Karens!"

This is why the beauty industry is huge.  Women work at looking good because they get treated better if they are successful at looking good.

What can happen is that men who get the lucky breaks that allow them to become women may discover that they are now "fish out of water."  They no longer get the lucky breaks because the rules have changed.

But, stealing from the story in "Charley Wilson's War," you never know whether a major event is really lucky or unlucky.
How can breaking your leg be a lucky break?  It may be if it keeps you from being drafted into a war!

[SoupSarah]

Men and women are judged differently.  When you are a guy it is very helpful to be a tall rich guy.  Not so much for women, who are judged more on how you look. If you look good as a women, you not only get the benefit of the doubt, but some folks will show obvious favoritism toward you.  Sometimes I think that if the "Karens" of the world got treated as nicely as I did, they wouldn't have to be "Karens!"

This is why the beauty industry is huge.  Women work at looking good because they get treated better if they are successful at looking good.

What can happen is that men who get the lucky breaks that allow them to become women may discover that they are now "fish out of water."  They no longer get the lucky breaks because the rules have changed.

But, stealing from the story in "Charley Wilson's War," you never know whether a major event is really lucky or unlucky.
How can breaking your leg be a lucky break?  It may be if it keeps you from being drafted into a war!

I am so glad the real world is nothing like the fantasy you describe here Marion.

Interestingly the draft in the USA is as follows: The Selective Service System, or the draft, requires registration by law for nearly all male US citizens and male immigrants between the ages of 18 and 25. This includes US citizens born in the country, dual citizens, naturalized citizens, legal permanent residents, undocumented immigrants, refugees, asylum seekers, transgender people assigned male at birth, and people with disabilities. So there are no 'breaks' for transgender women if it comes to war!

[Maid Marion]

That was an ancient Chinese proverb!
The "lucky break" was breaking your leg, keeping you home!
For some, being drafted could be a "lucky break"
How so?  Some girls are born into bad economic situations.  Surgery may not be an option.
Being drafted may allow you medical benefits!
Maybe you lose your manhood from a grenade?
The doctor sees you have already signed all the papers indicating what to do.
When you finally regain consciousness you are greeted by your best buddy, who gives you pink panties!
You are delighted to find out that he survived the blast without a scratch!  You caught all the shrapnel and saved him!
You find out that he knew  all along and loves the new you!

[ChrissyRyan]

Gender therapy to seek out clarification as needed makes sense to me.

I simply want be a good person who lives out her life as a responsible woman.
I try to do that each day.  I try to be kind and understanding. 

Some days are better or worse than others but that is part of life.

Chrissy

[D'Amalie]

My goodness! "Wisdom?"  My overwrought psyche lashes out.  "Wisdom?"  Really?  We'd better decide what wisdom means in this context and quickly! 

What does wisdom have to do with the way individuals feel and experience LIFE itself!  Wisdom results most often from experience, reflection, and learning.  Like a well of knowledge deepening over time, shaped by encounters with life's challenges and opportunities.  Is it wise to de-transition?  For some it my be pragmatic, prudent, fiscally sound, or however you'd care to bucketize the motivations driving to such an action or categorize the events leading to such a decision.  But, "Wise?"  Best for your social game or maybe self identification?

This discussion harkens to the infinite variations in human self identity.  There are so many iterations of transition that where we/you fall on the spectrum is a fascinating study.  Human sexuality plays its role within its own complexity and expressionism.  Perhaps there are those where the dysphoria could/would never be satisfied and transition has not succeeded for them, or the societal price was/is too high to bear, or maybe the cost in financial resources was/is too high to achieve.  False starts or incomplete transition drive the decision.  Wisdom is likely  not the best word to use in this context.  De-transitioning sounds like a knee jerk reaction rather than a calmly rationalized decision based on "wisdom."  How do I know.

My own story includes varying degrees of mental health services expertise.  I was so disheartened that I took on a psychology degree to see what the hubbub was all about.  I knew "Me".  I didn't need some one else to tell me.  What I saw was mostly where the whole question of "trans-ness" and what to do about it evolved so fast in the last 40 years, those under 45-50 years old are benefiting from the pain, struggles, medical quackery, scientific successes and societal confusion of their seniors (at least in the western culture) AND the situation remains as chaotic as ever.  Just like the chaotic lives of each of us.

For every success story like Danielle/Northern Girl, who is great support and a leading example of achievement, to  those of us who occasionally are correctly gendered or as frequently misgendered, there are unnamed lives churning. Wisdom has little to do with it.

Again, For some it my be pragmatic, prudent, fiscally sound, or however you'd care to decide how to live.  But, "Wise?"

[Paulie]

wise /wīz/
adjective
1.   Having the ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; sagacious.
"a wise leader."
2.   Exhibiting common sense; prudent.
"a wise decision."
3.   Shrewd; crafty.
"made a wise move selling the house when he did."
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition 


I think anytime you realize you made a wrong decision; it would be a wise decision to do damage control and to try and undo what you can.    I used the term "Damage Control" because you'll need to weigh cost of undoing vs. stopping vs. continuing.   

This would be like buying a car you can't afford.  Do you sell it and cut your losses, trade it in on something more in line with what you can afford and take some loss, or stick it out and eat a lot of Top Ramen for a few years? 

The most important factor in making a wise decision to detransition would be knowing for sure that you made the wrong decision in the first place.   Not nearly as simple as knowing you bought the wrong car.

Warm Regards,

Paulie.

[Asche]

Based on my own experience (which applies to everyone, of course! ), I would say that the most important thing to do before taking any steps toward transition -- or detransition -- is to find out who you really are.  The point of seeing a therapist isn't to be told whether you are trans or cis or something else, it's to help you find out who you really are, underneath all the manure that people have piled on top of you.  Most of us have had a lifetime of Authorities telling us who we are, mostly regardless of who we are inside, and you need help getting past that.

In my own case, I spent 25 years with one therapist before I even thought about whether I might be trans, and all of that was spent undoing the kinks in my psyche caused by all that "upbringing."  And when I divorced and started living on my own, I realized that if I was going to be alive in 10 years, I would have to find out who I really was, as opposed to what everyone was telling me I had to be.  And that's a large part of what I've spent the last 20 years doing.  Being trans was just one of the things that popped out during that process.

Actually, the first "gender counsellor" I saw saw me twice and then announced that I wasn't trans.  I went away thinking, well, that was a waste of two good hours of my life.

[Putting on my Wise Guru hat:]

Transition shouldn't be about becoming a woman or becoming a man.  It should be about becoming yourself.