Feeling stuck and restless

[Robbyv213]

I find myself feeling restless more and more. Since coming out to my wife things have been moving very slow. She does not want to deal with it and or face facts. Life has gone on and the elephant in the room is just being ignored. I find myself needing an outlet. I find myself not being able to focus at work much at all anymore.

I use to be able to wear something feminine or under dress, or wear something that is made for women and be able to focus on work and get things done. Now I can't. I feel I need to move my transition forward even if it is super slow and baby steps. Which is prob the best way. But if I want to try and keep my marriage I can only move as fast as my wife can tolerate. And right now her answer is to ignore it, and hope for the best...

I know for a fact that she is against any transition from what our conversations have been like. I feel there is no middle ground or compromise when it comes to our marriage and a transition of any kind for me.

I feel I will have to choose between my marriage and transition. Choose to try to live life like always and hide it and be depressed till I end up doing something stupid or a cry for help attention etc, suffer in silence for as long as I can tolerate. And or being told I'm selfish and not choosing our marriage if I transition, and move forward with transition (hopefully sooner than later and not waste any more time) and see what happens good or bad.

I just feel stuck, something has got to give.

[Lori Dee]

I feel for you. That is a rough spot. Things are hard enough just trying to transition, even with support.

I don't recall if you said you were seeing a gender therapist. Is there a way to ask the spouse to attend a session with you? You could frame it as couples counseling, or that the therapist wants to answer her questions or something. Let her know that you do not have all the answers and that you want to help her understand. It would be a sad thing for her to decide to move on based on false information. Does she really want to just throw it away without trying?

The key is going to be communication. Help her understand. If she is unwilling to try, unwilling to compromise, then I would think you have done all that you can. At that point, you could proceed with your transition with a clear conscience.

BUT... if she is willing to try, then you will need to compromise. If she doesn't want to see you dressed up, that is fine for now. As long as she is making an effort, you should too. No one knows your situation better than you, so take these suggestions with a grain of salt. I am just offering alternatives.

Hang in there. Things will get better. "This too shall pass."

[Robbyv213]

Yes I have been seeing a gender therapist virtually since March. We have sessions like every other week or so. Which has helped a lot. From everything he has heard he say he has no issues writing a support letter for hormones if I ever needed/wanted one.

Our sessions have been focused on gender identity, my sexual abuse from child hood and the affect of that which caused Shane and guilt and makes me think negatively and question my sexuality. Then my wife found out and forced me out to her in April and now most of our sessions have been about that. I have suggested couples therapy or a therapist that does both couples therapy and also has experience in spouses who come out or are trans etc. but she wants nothing to do with the trans subject. She is ok with me seeing my therapist but for couples therapy she doesn't want it based off of me being trans, she thinks we have other issues as well that are just as important and doesn't want me being trans to take the spot light so to speak.

So know since I still don't have all the answers for myself I figure I can't move forward with anything until I figure it out.  Once I figure out who and what I am or truly feel I am then I will be able to make a plan to move forward.

So from now on with therapy my intention is to solely focus on that.

My wife and I have had some conversations about being trans and other woman that I had reached out to seeking advice and their first hand experience. One of which is janea Marie krok formerly know as matt krok and is a world record.power lifter and us Marine. And from our conversation about her she has some very ignorant understanding of the trans community in general, which is to be expected. And she is trying to learn. But she is a nurse and is almost always highly stressed out from work, and now here home life is turned upside down and she has no one to talk to. I have told her many times that she should get her own therapist so she can vent and talk and say what ever she needs to say in a safe place. But life happens. The daily grind gets us all down and we never get around to doing anything and we just fall into the old routines, ignoring the fact that she found out her husband wants to be a fully functional woman (as much as possible) about a month or so ago.

Time feels like it's just dragging on by slowly. Another day wasted, another week wasted. Another month wasted. I just turned 37, I'm def not getting any younger and the older one is when they transition, I feel the less likely they're able to pass as a woman, the longer testosterone has an influence on ones body before transitioning the success of hormone treatment is less and less (as in breast growth and some other feminizing things) or so i have read from a website called

https://secondtypewoman.info/index.htm

Under one of it's many sub categories.

I'd like to not waste any time, and be able to enjoy myself and my woman hood while I am still relatively young enough to.

After she went through my phone in April and found out that I was doing a lot of research about being trans and reaching out to anyone that was willing to talk to me about their personal experiences, our initial conversations she had said many times that she loves and cares about me and obviously we're still together and she's still there she hasn't given me any kind of ultimatums or asked me to leave or move out or vice versa but unfortunately I do believe there is a hard line that she can't pass or won't compromise on. She had said on two or three different occasions that she's not bisexual or even a lesbian. I honestly don't know if she has ever had those experiences with another woman or if she did and it was traumatizing I could see why that she would want nothing to do with it. But she has made it clear that she wouldn't be able to be with another woman she said she would be there to support me in any way she can that we'd still be friends and that she would want to continue to stay in my life but she doesn't feel she can do that as my wife or with me being her wife. I feel she has no interest in having a lesbian relationship even if I were to keep my penis and maintain and functionality even though I'd rather have a vagina but if I can get rid of my testicles and keep my penis I feel that's a fair compromise for both of us I guess but as we know transition is a very constant evolving thing and what may not cause issues now in the beginning might cause issues later during or even after transition. So who knows...

I just need to start doing something so I feel like I'm not wasting every day just waiting trying to see if today is going to be a day where we have a conversation or an argument or if we're just going to get by and ignore it and focus on the rest of life's problems. Like I feel I need to do something even if it's getting rid of all of my male underwear and replacing it with female underwear and only wearing female underwear from now on or if it's painting my toenails or learning how to be a woman how to walk like a woman starting to practice vocal techniques to sound more like a woman learning more feminine mannerisms and habits and just something I feel like I need to do something so that I'm not wasting time. But on the other hand I also want to see something tangible I also want to experience not constantly being angry all the time or Moody I want to experience what it's like to have estrogen running through my veins instead of testosterone. So I know realistically and the smart responsible thing to do would be to take things slow and try to compromise as much as possible but the other part of me wants to go as fast as humanly possible because of all the time wasted so far which will only cause more damage in the long run in terms of my marriage.

Are there any resources or I guess any kind of list or guides that are suggestions for people to try and work on the small things that make the big difference in transitioning that make it more real than just hormones and surgeries and what not.

For example I found this website that had 40 steps to becoming more elegantly feminine

https://pinkfemme.com/40-steps-to-femme-program/

They are

The 40 Steps
Your First Step To Femininity: Panties

Pairing Panties With Outer Clothes

Sitting to pee

Fabulously Femme Sleep Shorts

How to smooth your skirt under you before you sit

Take body measurements for your femme body shape

Learning How To Wear Pantyhose The Right Way

Create A Fully Femme Pinterest Profile

Keep knees together, like a girl

Care For Your Feet In A Girly Way

Tuck Arms While Walking, like a girl

Feminize your room

Create or enhance your cleavage with makeup

Your first bra and how to wear it without showing

Care for your hands in a girly way

Wrap your towels like a girl after a shower or bath

Shaving and moisturizing for soft smooth girly legs

Cross your legs like a lady and sitting with poise

Wear lip balm all day, every day

Learn to pose/stand like a lady

The rule of pink. Wear something pink every day

Climb stairs like a lady

Paint your toenails to make them pretty

Learn to enter and exit a car like a lady

Choosing an ankle bracelet and wearing eyeliner

Shopping for yoga pants and wearing your ankle bracelet

Choosing your girly-fit workouts

Feelings Journal and Perfume

Learn To Walk In Heels

Shaving legs, underarms, and whole body

Buying your first purse/handbag

Dining like a lady: Feminine table manners

Go for a professional waxing at a salon.
Plus You will be shopping for a bra including a proper fitting.

Have your nails done at a salon. Plus Beauty Counter at department store.

You are to write down a detailed description of the makeup of at least two women you interact with each day. Plus shopping for feminine trainers at a store.

Book an appointment at the hair salon and ask for the most feminine style they can give you. Plus Buy two nighties and sleep in them every day.

You're going to buy a pretty top and skirt for yourself. Choose an elegant top and skirt. Classy, not trashy.

Lipstick and mascara in public.

Book a complete makeover with a

stylist/makeover studio for the morning and remain the rest of the day en femme.

Coming out as femme.

Those were the 40 steps and each one has a link to another article or I guess task if you will and you were to perform this task through the entire week so that it becomes habit and muscle memory. I was wondering if there was anything else like this that anyone knows about or anything not on this list that could potentially be added that would also be very beneficial to people transitioning and trying to become more feminine.

I also feel that I need to start a journal and or blog since I feel it helps me tremendously.

Sorry I know this is kind of a long post. Thanks for reading and all your suggestions so far.

[ChrissyRyan]

That is quite a list.

Consider:

Making a connection with a transgender support group, perhaps at an upcoming public event, often held in June.

Watch women walk. Observe their movements. 

Observe women and what they wear.  See what looks good for their age and body. 

These last two can often be done at a shopping area.

Chrissy

[Lori Dee]

she wants nothing to do with the trans subject. She is ok with me seeing my therapist but for couples therapy she doesn't want it based off of me being trans, she thinks we have other issues as well that are just as important and doesn't want me being trans to take the spot light so to speak.

OK, so does that mean she would go to couples counseling with you to work on other issues?

That's a start. Maybe leave the trans topic at the door so she can address the other issues. At least get her to talk so you can work on communicating with each other. Let her bring up the trans issue with the therapist when she is ready to discuss it.

Keep looking for a middle ground.

There are tons of articles right here, covering everything from coming out, beauty tips, "how to" and advice. Even a sub-forum for Significant Others. You are not the first to be dealing with an unsupportive spouse. And you won't be the last. Maybe read their stories and see how they dealt with the issue.

 

[Robbyv213]

Yes I feel she is open the reg couples therapy which is good. And when the trans issue subject comes up then we will cross the bridge when we get to it.

I have been reading the sub forums for our spouses here on the site. And to be honest I don't know if it is from how negatively my coming out was, or what but I can't help feeling angry, and then depressed and extremely sad. Like we had a choice in the matter of how we feel internally about our genders. It takes me back to when my wife outted me by breaking my privacy before I was ready to tell her and then her yelling and making me feel like crap for it all.

So I really do try to read the experience people share in the spouse section, I want to relate and understand them and their side but I can't and all it does is trigger me, and makes me upset to say the least.

I will have to spend even more time on this forum looking through the articles here. Im sure I haven't even uncovered 1/4 of what is even on here.

[Iztaccihuatl]

Hi Robby,

I totally understand your feelings and share your frustration as my situation is pretty much exactly like yours.

Here is a quick summary of my situation: I came out to my wife during the fall of 2018. It took her a while to get over the initial shock and when she did she decided pretty unilaterally that nobody outside the house can know and no use of female clothing items or female behavior outside the four walls of the house, otherwise she would ask for a divorce.

Since I work from home I wear female clothing while at work, primarily bottoms, however no makeup or definitively female tops. I did set up my web cam so only my head is visible during video calls, so I can wear bras and breast forms during the day.

Like you, this elephant in the room is mostly ignored and not spoken about, which is fine with her, but increasingly frustrating for me. Sometimes my wife is semi-supportive on a superficial level, at other times I am getting lectures on how I damaged the marriage and how I impacted her life and often there are microagressions included in day-to-day conversations. And using my female name or pronouns is a strong no-no.

Similar to you I also feel like being locked up in a prison, I absolutely loathe having to change clothes each time I want to set foot outside the house. What really kills me is that there is absolutely no long-term perspective of change in the direction I would like to go.

However, you also have some advantages. In my case I have been the sole breadwinner for the last 27 years, which makes a divorce financially disastrous for both of us, more so for my wife, but we both would find it hurtful. You on the other hand seem to be about 20 years younger than me and you both appear to be in the workforce, so the impact of a divorce is less and you will be able to recover from it more easily. Not sure if you have children, though. Ours are off to college.

I wish I had a solution handy for folks in our situation, but I don't. As others have pointed out, couples therapy might help to at least start talking in a civilized manner about the elephant in the room.

I am not sure if all the above is helpful, but I wanted to let you know that you are not the only one dealing with a situation like this.

Some things that helped me so far were:

• Look and wear androgynous clothing designed for women, such as jeans, polo shirts, fitted turtle necks, shorts, loafers. Some pajamas can also be very similar between men's and women's (only the buttons are a telltale)
• Get some jewelry. I always wear a necklace, a ring and a bracelet and never had any bad reactions, au contraire, often women approached me and mentioned that they liked my necklace.
• Paint the nails with clear top coat. Especially matte is practically invisible. A semi transparent nude tone is difficult to detect as well.
• Wear a sports bra that does not have any hooks or adjusters that could be spotted under a shirt.
• Sit down to pee
• Try out transparent mascara or transparent or slightly colored lipgloss
• Let the hair grow out

Hugs,

Heidemarie

[imallie]

Hey Robby - first of all, PLEASE do not try to claim that 37 is getting late to start your transition... makes me feel even worse about starting mine in my mid 50's 😉

Secondly, and in all seriousness, you've been dealing with this (I presume) for most of your 37 years. Your wife has had just barely that many days. As Lori mentioned, she just needs time.

And yes, I know it seems like there are hard lines she would never cross at this point. But funny thing about those lines, over long periods of time sometimes they move a bit, or fad away altogether. And while your wife cannot imagine herself in a lesbian relationship - she is, it seems from everything you've presented, in love with you. She doesn't need to be attracted to women all of a sudden, but so long as you remain the love of her life... why does it need a label?

But I'm getting way ahead of things. Let me share something. When I came out to my wife, not quite three years ago, the thing I said that first night was "I'd rather go slowly together than quickly on my own". And that's been our North Star.

In the beginning did it feel like nothing was happening for a few months? Very much so. I mean, other than her being supportive and understanding and wanting to learn more...no steps were taken.

But then one day she suggested I start electrolysis... then she started slowly buying pieces to change my wardrobe... and so on and so. Fast forward to this weekend -we are headed for a vacation where I'm probably going to spend nearly the entire trip in "girl mode" and we've got a date on the calendar in July when we're going full-time. Oh, and our relationship is the strongest it's ever been after 32 years of marriage.

You and your wife will tell your own story, of course, but it's just really important that you try to see the world through her eyes right now. Hope that helps and things work out!

Love,
Allie

[Robbyv213]

@ Iztaccihuatl

I know I am not the only one in this type of situation. And I know many others have it far worse. So I am grateful for the small victory's. I am sorry that your wife is not as accepting or supportive as I have read how some others are.

I just love how being trans is our fault and caused all the problems in the relationship or marriage. Not like there are usually other issues that were pre existing before we came out, nope everything's our fault because we apparently chose this... 🤦�♂️ I hope you can detect the sarcasm... That's what makes me angry and upset the most. There could be a whole bucket full of issues and problems in the relationship or marriage but as soon as I came out, nope it's all my fault for everything and that being trans is the root cause of everything that's gone wrong, nothing she did or does or doesn't do, nope just all me... I know I'm not perfect and I make mistakes but I can take ownership of it and try to do better.

I really feel that she thinks this is just a phase or something that will pass with time, even tho I told her I have had these feelings all my life.

Yes we both work. She's a high paid nurse and I'm an auto mechanic. We can def be ok on our own. It would just a process of doing all the legal stuff to separate bills debt etc.

I have a daughter from a previous marriage that doesn't live with us, and she has two daughters, one is move out and the other is starting high school. She has mentioned that she doesn't want anything to happen til her youngest is 18. She fears she could lose custody of her even though there is no history or evidence of her being in danger.

Things I do to try to help are that I usually wear fem underwear, sometimes sports bras, I sit to pee, I try to walk feminine, I try to keep my legs shut when I am sitting, I wear gender neutral silkie running shorts most of the time for lounging around or sleeping.  I want to try nail polish, and I usually try to wear lip balm or moisturizer daily.

I need to get a better hygiene regimen that's for sure.

And again I know I am not in the best case situation, but I know it's not the worst either. And the fact that she's still around and hasn't asked me to leave either and she talks about a future (a normal one where I am a guy) I guess is good and gives me hope. I just hope she can eventually come to compromise on some things.

[Robbyv213]

@ imallie

I am not trying to claim anything about it being too late. Just saying that everyday nothing happens or changes it feels like a wasted day and a day later than it should. I did not intend to make you feel worse about when you started your transition. I am sure we can all agree that we wished we started sooner. And most research and statistics do support that the sooner one starts transitioning ( even better if you can get on puberty blockers at a younger age, not sure what age would be considered morally and ethically correct) but the sooner one starts the better chance one has of passing due to the longer time they will have been on hormones, giving better chances for breathing development, better over all feminizing affects of hormones, and they have more time to financially recover and start a new life. We're as most of us are already average to decently off in our lives and financially ok. But to start over now and try to recover again is way harder than it would have been if we did it sooner.

That's all. It just feels like every day is a day too late for me. Just in the feels alot right now and again my intentions are not to offend or trigger anyone else yet alone make anyone feel worse about themselves.

Your words give me hope. And youre right with time things may change. Her views and things she thought she can't tolerate may shift or fade. I feel the biggest thing for her is how it would impact her socially with her family and friends. Her parents are super old school and would disown her. Some family might understand but she feels most wouldn't. As for friends I'm not sure how accepting or not they will be. I know some are liberal and some are super conservative so it's a mix bag.

I think I will use what you said to your wife as a guide for me. Slowly together over fast on my own. Again I just hope she is ok and can accept that I do want to transition, and again I'd prefer sooner than later, but if it means saving our marriage than at what ever pace we can together I am all for.

[ChrissyRyan]

There is almost always some hope. 

Wishing you the best.

Chrissy