Hi Mandy It's good to see you again and I noticed that you are finding your way around the forums.
I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you for sharing your personal story. It is very much appreciated. Please remember you only share what you are comfortable with and this is a public forum where anybody can read your postings. There are a couple of ways to have a private conversation, Private Messages (PM) here on Susan's and on Susan's Discord.
Quote from: Mandy Spencer on June 17, 2024, 12:26:01 PMI am a fifty something, M to F, Transgender Woman - although this is my secret, as I reside in the inner recesses of the closet. I have recently been exploring Susan's and been stunned by the care, compassion, human understanding; and deep insight and honesty shared on these pages. This has led to me joining and feeling able to discuss my journey here; and God knows I need to after all the years of repression. I have never before left any kind of trail - written or digital of my Transgender identity - so here goes!
I can relate to you being in the inner recesses of the closet. You have mentioned that you are still in the closet and I have just recently written a post in regards to that particular issue. If you click on the following link:
Staying in the Closet you can get to read what I wrote if you want to and the other members here on Susan's who also made a posting.
I have always been in the 'closet' so to speak, I never associated with any 'community', until I heard about 'Jazz Jennings' and as a result, I came across Susan's Place. I guess I may have lurked, but it does not matter. I joined Susan's and become involved in the 'community' and of course I kept my personal details very close.
I found Susan's to be a treasure trove of information and that allowed me to know myself a lot better and who I was and even as you say; "been stunned by the care, compassion, human understanding and deep insight and honesty shared on these pages." I left after two years and it's still the same after coming back recently.
I'm a bit more relaxed in revealing who I am now. Susan's is the only place, where the 'outside' knows about me. I have never felt I was repressed in anyway or suffered in keeping things secret about myself from everyone, including doctors unless it is absolutely necessary. My family knows and accepts me unconditionally.
Quote from: Mandy Spencer on June 17, 2024, 12:26:01 PMMy female self leapt out at a confused 13 year old, who wondered what the hell was happening, and it has been a struggle ever since. At 20, I was regularly presenting as female in public, although always terrified by the near misses- of being discovered by my brothers or male cousins and I would have been mortified to be revealed. My later 20s and 30s followed a more conventional path of marriage and family and by 40 I was perhaps relaxing into the notion that this had all been a developmental stage that I had outgrown.
In regards to myself I was about five years old, however I just accepted it, for want of a better description and of course all further thoughts on the matter. I did for some unknown reason like you, kept these thoughts and feelings to myself and I guess it forms part of my character or personality to this day.
My feelings on wanting and longing to be a female grew stronger and stronger between ages of 20 and 30 years. I would occasionally dress as a female, but the last two Christmas's of 1987 and 1988. Sarah emerged and it was full on and she could not get enough, so Feb 1989, I changed my life completely around and I have not looked back since.
Quote from: Mandy Spencer on June 17, 2024, 12:26:01 PMHow wrong I was! At 40, my female nature reasserted itself with tremendous force. I started going out in public again 'en femme' (when my wife was away on business), although still terrified of being outed, (although it's possible a neighbour saw me getting into my car in my black dress and heels!). I still convinced myself that this was something I could integrate and manage, as a part of my personality, without ever having to have the conversation with my wife, or anyone else.
There are a lot of members here on Susan's who can attest to withholding or suppressing these personal feelings and thought, only to have them come back and bite them viciously on the backside with a vengeance.
If and when you decide to reveal yourself, make sure you have a backup plan just in case something goes wrong. Because once any information is revealed, there is no way that you can control it. This is one reason why I keep things to myself and even now, I wonder if I have revealed to much information about myself.
Quote from: Mandy Spencer on June 17, 2024, 12:26:01 PMThe insights on this forum are so valuable and I can see that others have sometimes experienced their female identity coming forward even more strongly in later stages of life. I had learnt some neat psychological techniques to manage certain thoughts and emotions and keep things in a nice balance. Then, the fire breathing dragon swooped down and turned my conceipt to ashes. I am a woman, I will have to come out to family and friends, I will have to transition fully as a woman.
How you cope in regard to your situation is up to you and only you, you can have help or advice from members of Susan's or from 'therapist's', especially one that is well versed in, 'Gender Identity issues', on how to go about doing it, or how you reveal yourself to others. Ultimately it is up to you to make that final decision and you must be happy in doing so, regardless of the consequences.
Quote from: Mandy Spencer on June 17, 2024, 12:26:01 PMObviously these things come from a very deep and profound place - I have read others on the forums describing their discomfort and confusion. My self-denial is often excruciating now and I have no choice but to move forward - although with compassion for family in the approach. Hiding is no longer an option.
Unfortunately I cannot offer any advice as I was never in this particular situation so to speak. I never denied, never questioned and never doubted what I did. When I changed my life around, I did not have to contend with any relationships, I sacrificed everything, I left family, friends, my way of life at the time and that included someone I liked and loved.
Quote from: Mandy Spencer on June 17, 2024, 12:26:01 PMOne massive positive from Susan's - I had often thought that it would be great if this kind of support and awareness, alongside social media, was available when I was a teen or in my 20's but at my age it was too late. This is obviously completely wrong - I can transition into the woman I am - physically as well as inwardly - and this thought gives me a sense of joy - although I realise there will be challenges.
So now the cat is out of the 'bag' and I look forward to sharing.
Love and best wishes,
Mandy
I fixed part of your quote, it's in red! Just to be a little funny, here are a couple more:
- The truth has seen the light
- Someone spilled the beans
- It's no longer under wraps
- It's now common knowledge
- The horses have left the stables
Like you I never had the information that is around today. Even now I wonder would the information be a hindrance to me in achieving what I did so many years ago. There are members who knew about their Gender Identity, but never transitioned. No matter what you decide members here at Susan's will accept you for who you are.
Take care and if you need any help please do not hesitate to ask. Help is only a keyboard away.
Love and HugsSarah BOfficial Greeter@Mandy Spencer