Robby's Journey

[Robbyv213]

Like many others here, I find that Susan's place is very helpful for me mentally, and emotionally while I am navigating these transitional waters.

I figured that it would be best to start a blog or journal of this process, as I find that it is very much therapeutic for me to write about my journey and thoughts and feelings as they happen which allows me to process them better.

I've been using my initial post kind of as my blog/journal. I won't repeat it. However you can find it in introduction under the title new here and outted. Here is the link to that.

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,248029.0.html

I am very early on in my journey. I have always had thoughts and feelings that I wanted to be a girl/women since I was very young. I had tried a few things of my mother's clothing when I was in elementary school, as often as I found myself home alone.

As I grew these feelings and thoughts subside to an extent. They would come and go and I didn't think much of them. I was living life as many expected of me. The Traditional male role, which I had always felt didn't seem quite right or suitable for me.

As I aged these feelings became stronger and stronger, harder to ignore and repress. I was doing as many masculine things that I could do from bodybuilding and fitness, all the way to joining the military. Granted those were things I had passion about.i am still unsure if I did those things because I wanted to or if there was to an extent me trying to repress the feminine energy inside of myself. I often feel that it was both. I have been married 3 times now, and in a total of 4 serious committed relationships in my life. I often wonder if this side of myself that I was suppressing had any affect on why 3 of those relationships did not work out in the end. If that not being open and honest with them and myself and continuing to play the male role that was expected of me vs allowing myself to be my truest self had any affect on those relationships not lasting. It could have been many contributing factors to why those ended. Who knows. Just something I often think about so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

I am currently married, and my wife recently found out that I believe myself to be trans and wanting to explore this feminine side of myself. Again you can read all the details of that experience in the link I have provided earlier in this post.

I have scheduled a appointment with my primary care doctor through the v/a at the end of July (unfortunately that's the soonest available opening they have for a initial visit.) I plan on asking the doctor about what the v/a can do for me in terms of gender affirming care, and hopefully have a consult put in with an endocrinologist and or the local VA areas gender affirming care team, and or VA rep for getting that set up and moving. Mainly I want to ask about these service just so I have it in their notes and in their system that I am looking for those services.

I also have scheduled a video conference appointment with my VA local gender affirming care rep for later the same day, in which hopefully alot of questions will be answered and Hopefully get the ball rolling in which ever direction we ultimately decide is the best starting point for myself, and or getting the ball rolling on other things like hair removal, or voice training, etc.

I am eagerly waiting for my appointments, and as they get closes it seems to become all I can think about. Like I'm not really pressent in my day to day life. I wish I can share all these thoughts and feelings, and how much more I feel happy and less depressed as I accept who I am each day.

It's hard for me to communicate these things with my wife. I do not like confrontation, and right now I feel the best thing is to not rock the boat or make waves just yet.  I am always one to put my family and spouse's needs before my own, even if it leads to some very bad bouts of depression and sadness.
I'm not sure how to share these feelings of happiness and excitement when I know they will be taken to opposite way for her. My happiness is her worst nightmare and causes her much grief, stress, pain and sadness. How can I knowingly and willingly inflict that on her? I am hoping that my therapist can help with that, however I know that there is only so much I can do to help her, and that she ultimately has to do the work for herself.


So far we've been living life as it was before she had found out that I believe myself to be trans. Things are settling down a bit. We're slowly getting our new home together and making it more.like our home since the house fire we had in March. She is finally making some headway at work as well or at least it seems like it at the moment. Things are nice, but I still feel there the elephant in the room that were ignoring for the time being. Which is ok for now since I feel we both need a break from the constant stress and worry about what this means for our future.

I have been wearing more and more female underwear and or feminine looking underwear more openly around her and bed time, depending on the activity for the day or weekend and if we're kid free or not determines how open I am in wearing these things around the house. I have added shaving my face to my daily routine. I have been trying to focus on kneeling and sitting like a proper lady when ever I can, as well as sitting to urinate everytime I have to go no matter what. I have decided to try and let my hair grow out and see what becomes of it and how it looks even though I have a receded hairline on each side of my forehead and thinking up top and around the crown.

I plan to do a cleanse of my diet and all things I take nutritionally and supplements as well. I will revamp my workout routine so I am not training like a male body builder but rather like a woman, in hopes to ultimately lose some size and muscle mass in order to achieve a little more of a feminine frame. Granted this will take years to do safely and healthily.

I am currently sitting at a weight 208lbs at a height of 5 feet 8 in. I have a 34 in waist. Hips are 40 in, under bust is 42, chest or bust is 48 in, shoulders (measuring around outside not just straight across) is 52 in. My goal would be to have more of a healthy feminine proportional hip, waist chest ratio for my build. It will take a lot of dieting and exercise to make it a everyday life style habit. Which is nothing new to me. It will be however a lot of trial and error to figure out what works and doesn't work.

So far the next thing I have lined up is my next session with my therapist this Wednesday on the 19th of June. I know there is still much to do and that I am just starting out, but hopefully with these baby steps I will eventually be able to walk, and then run in the process of transitioning. Before you know it I will be a year down the road and I'm excited to see what kind of transformation I will have been able to achieve in that time, even though it will be an ongoing evolution of life and a ever constant transition. But if baby steps is all I can manage at this point then baby steps it will be. I know I will have to have and learn even more how to be patient, that Rome was not built in a day, but over many years. Just like I will be as long as I have a clear dream and vision of who I want to become I will eventually get there and become the woman I have always wanted and was ment to be.

Thank you for reading, I greatly value, appreciate and love you all.

[Lori Dee]

Your journey is off to a great start!

It looks like you have all the right things lined up and ready to go. Now, as we learned in the military, it is "hurry up and wait" or "standby to standby". 

Something I would like to share with you since you want to change your training regimen. This article is specifically for losing belly fat in post-menopausal women, but if you take in what they are saying about High Intensity Training, cortisol, and all of the things that shape our figures, there might be some useful tips in there.

https://progressyourhealth.com/how-to-lose-belly-fat-in-perimenopause/

Your experience may be different, but it is good-to-know info anyway.

[Robbyv213]

@LoriDee thank you for the very informative article. As a male body builder I have and am guilty of still doing many of those. Lol

Unfortunately get more sleep and reduce stress is easier said than done. Lol. And I have been weight training 5-6 days a week for 24 years now, and doing cardio ( either slow steady for long duration or some sort of high intensity interval training at least 5 days a week or days I don't weight training legs.) I usually eat on average 6-7 meals a day each with a consistent amount of protein ( for example 7oz of chicken breast baked) and different amounts of veggies and or starch carbs depending on when the meal is intended to be eaten.

It will definitely be a very different approach than I am used to to say the least.

And yes. Hurry up wait. Never gets old. At least I don't have to be there an hour early for the platoon sergeant, to be 30 min early for the company first  sergeant, to be 15 min early from the original time that the commanding officer says I'm supposed to be there. Lol eventually you'll be just standing in formation from the previous evening if they had their way. Lol

[Jessica_Rose]

Relationships are often difficult to navigate, and adding a possible transition into the mix takes it to a completely different level. It is possible to keep your relationship and transition, there are a few people at Susan's who have been successful. Like just about every long-lasting relationship, the keys are: go slow, listen, communicate. It's also helpful to have a partner who is open-minded.

A few weeks ago, Susan and I celebrated our 40th anniversary. There were many times I didn't think our relationship would survive. Several times I asked Susan why she stayed with me, after all the pain I had caused her through the years. Her answer was always the same -- 'because I love you'.

Good luck, Robby.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Robbyv213]

@Jessica_Rose congratulations on your anniversary.

I hope that will be the case for me and wife one day.

[Mandy Spencer]

Hey Robby,

Great to see you've started your blog. I think you joined the forums not long before me. Honestly, I can really relate to the issues you raise and it's really helpful to read that others are going through similar things. I'll be following your entry!

Hugs
Mandy

[Robbyv213]

@Mandy Spencer yes it is very helpful to see how other navigate similar situations.

[Robbyv213]

Today I had a session with my therapist via zoom during my lunch break from work. It went ok. Nothing bad or outstandingly great. Just ok. Mainly focused on life at home and with my wife, nothing else came up in terms of transition.

Just all things I know I and we (my wife and I) need to do and talk about. Some sessions seem to go really quickly and time runs out before you know it, and other times it drags and seems to last an eternity while you wait for time to run out. Today seemed to be about half and half. Some quick and the last 30 min not so much. Lol. Funny how time is so relative.

On a side note work is super slow due to a cyber attack on one of the systems we use or have a subscription to that we use their programming for the dealership. It seems to be world wide in reach of how many dealerships use this companies software program. Oh well... Who doesn't like standing around at work and not getting paid lol since most technicians are not hourly employees. Oh well. Just another day.

[Robbyv213]

Updated my avatar picture. It's the only one that I have that can be resized to correct proportions and that doesn't show anything too revealing as to who I am, as well as me in female clothing. I apologize it's not more professional looking and that it's a bathroom selfie. I will try to take another that Meet the all the requirements and then some. But I feel for now at least this is a real picture of myself and not one of the generated ones to choose from.

Shirt and jean shorts are from born primitive athletic clothing company for men and woman, wig is short cut light brown and with high lights off Amazon. I am also wearing press/glue on eye lashes, light foundation, a bit of eye liner and mascara, with lip gloss that's colored. Granted you can't see it, but It was on. One of the few times that I could not help but smile when looking in the mirror, and or taking selfies.

[Mandy Spencer]

Love the pic.  I was into seriously into bodybuilding when I was younger - pre social media really - 80's and 90's. Obviously there are many powerful female bodybuilders who look awesome. Back then it was people like Cory Everson and Mary Roberts ruling the roost - powerful but seriously sexy women. When I saw your pic somehow Mary Roberts came to mind.

[Robbyv213]

@Mandy Spencer thank you. I'm finding out more and more that it's a real common thing that male athletes and bodybuilders transition. It gives me hope that I can be feminine, retain some sexy muscle and become as some say an Amazon goddess lol.

Yes I love those icon women of the 70s, 80s and 90s in bodybuilding and fitness.

[Gina P]

Love the pic.  I was into seriously into bodybuilding when I was younger - pre social media really - 80's and 90's. Obviously there are many powerful female bodybuilders who look awesome. Back then it was people like Cory Everson and Mary Roberts ruling the roost - powerful but seriously sexy women. When I saw your pic somehow Mary Roberts came to mind.

Ahh, Corry Everson! Drop dead gorgeous woman from my body building days. I haven't heard her name in 30years.

[Mandy Spencer]

Yes, time flies- I had male role models like Frank Zane, and Arnold obviously, but deep down I always wanted to look like Cory 

[Courtney G]

Hi, Robby, and welcome to the group. I read your original "blog", then got caught up here. Here are a few thoughts that came to mind as I read about your desires and concerns. Forgive me if you've moved on from some of this thinking; I wrote down my thoughts as I read from the beginning. Here they are, in no particular order:

To one of your early points: no one made you this way. It's not something "wrong' with you. CIS men don't feel this way. And it's normal to not know what you are or to think you're weird. It's especially normal to feel guilty - about everything. Unfortunate but true.

Turning to erotica is a common coping mechanism but it leads to shame and guilt. Unfortunately, that can really cloud our feelings about ourselves ("I'm not trans; I'm just a pervert"). I struggled with that for a long time and it's something I'm still working through. Meeting lots of trans people who felt the same way really helps.

Regarding her suspicion of your cheating, why do you think she feels this way? Do you see any reason for her to lose trust in you? Is there any chance she feels guilt about something and is projecting that onto you?

HRT doesn't definitely destroy function in all cases. I stopped having spontaneous erections but can still get aroused relatively easily and I'm able to reach a full level of arousal. The lack of nocturnal erections and the overall lower level of activity has resulted in a size reduction but like you, I welcome it. I'll be celebrating 2 1/2 years of pharma HRT in a couple of days and I'm fully able to perform, despite have zero sexual activity with my long-term partner.

Many partners come around. Some get closer to their partners in every way. Some become best of friends, while others split up. Giving her time and space to process always seems best. I made the mistake of trying to tell her everything up front, rather than giving her time to process the initial news. I'd had my "secret" bottled up for so long that I couldn't hold back. In retrospect, I should have taken it slower. She was stunned but has gotten used to/accepted more than I ever thought she would. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case.

Some partners are even attracted to the idea of their partner transitioning and they might feel a sexual charge from it (could be the reason for the intense lovemaking you described). But of course, they feel guilty about it, because some societal rules suggest what we are is forbidden. If you're lucky, you can both work through those feelings and your sex life might actually be *better* than before.

If you consider self-harm, please know there are always other options. There's us and others you can talk to but if you're really in distress, you must take advantage of help lines and chats you can use to get support when you're at a critical point.

Therapy is really important - you need someone to listen and also help you interpret your feelings and guide you to a better understanding of yourself. I'm glad you're pursuing that.

There will be cycles - of acceptance and rejection, of good moods and bad ones. Of being "ok with it" and not. HRT might increase the intensity of those cycles. Reminding yourself that there are good times to offset the downtimes and trying to retain perspective is critical.

The way I describe my current state and what I've done is this: I started this transition because I could no longer stand *not* doing anything about my feelings and desires. It has been difficult and will continue to be hard, but I've found a deep sense of self and satisfaction that I didn't think was possible. You may find that inertia takes over, that every step down this path increases your desire to proceed further. This is something you have to consider very carefully before starting HRT in particular. It's like getting poison ivy and scratching that first itch.

I started with herbal estrogen, which caused minor changes and led to a blood clot, which could have killed me. I added finasteride because I was hoping to mitigate years of hair loss. Despite being on a high dose, I didn't have any fog, depression or other mental side effects but I did have increased breast development, which was a welcomed effect. We usually hear more about the rare side effects than the numbers bear out, but I'm not telling you that you *won't* have them, just that they're not super common. Finasteride helped my hair to regrow, estradiol took it to the next level and recent hair transplant surgery seems to have gotten me across the finish line.

There's no way to predict the level of development you'll get from HRT. For certain, you'll have some sort of breast development, body fat distribution and loss of muscle mass, skin changes and more, but breast development in particular is a roll of the dice. Most end up with smaller breasts than the women on their mother's side. It's possible your breasts will become too big to hide. I'm mostly closeted and my breasts are quite big. Something you need to carefully consider - don't make the mistake of assuming you won't change in ways that are difficult to conceal.

There's a great (2017) documentary about a trans feminine bodybuilder, called "Transformer." You might enjoy it.

[Robbyv213]

@Courtney G

Thank you for the very insightful and honest response.

As for cheating or her feeling like she has reasons to think I am. I know she feels like my phone is a big issue. I'm rarely on it when I'm with her or at home. And if I am I'm finish what I'm doing so I can be present and give who ever all my attention. She has some insecurities, as I'm sure we all do. She's been cheated on before in the past and so I have I. I have even gone as far as removing all females I used to know or followed on social media to not give her any reason as to think anything. Most recently I deleted my Instagram account, now all I have is Facebook since thats how I see what goes on with family. I have often wondered if she is accusing me of something bc she feels guilty about doing it herself. But I have not found any evidence of that.

Our intimacy is few and fsr in between it seems but when it does happen it's always good. If she has some sexual charge from it she hasn't given any indication of why she is more sexual charged. But then again maybe she's getting turned on else where and engaged with me for the final end result (so to speak) but again haven't seen or found any evidence of that.

I hope we're able to work through this all. I believe she is very concerned with what social implications that could happen with me transitioning. I feel that she is almost more concerned with all the negative possibilities of me transitioning than she is the health of our relationship and to be honest my health and well-being. I know she loves me and cares about me, but when it comes to this subject as of right now I feel it's social implications, our relationship and then my health, if I were to list what I think her priorities are (on the subject of me being trans) I could be wrong tho, but we never talk about it so I don't really know where she is at or what's she's thinking and feeling.

We plan to start couples therapy here in a few weeks (but she wants it to be just about our relationship issues and not me being trans for at least the initial sessions) I'm almost positive we will have to switch to another therapist once they discover they're dealing with a trans individual. Most regular therapists have not experience in those subjects. Which I'm sure there will be resistance with that.

I feel like Im getting to the point of I need to do something more than what I'm doing. Like possibly start a herbal transition first before getting hrt. Maybe that might be a good experiment to see how my wife would react or tolerate things.  I know that route is not safe, and has its risks. I did try p.m. for about a month but stopped due to digestive issues. And then I was on b.o. for a week but I did not notice anything for either in terms of feminine affects. I was not on them long enough or at the right dose. I did buy a large quantity of b.o. and pituitary glandular if I do decide to go herbal first. Swanson's had a awesome sale so I couldn't pass on buying in bulk. Lol but now I'm just tempted everyday to start that. Lol

Yes I have seen that documentary. I have even spoke with Janae via zoom once when I was reaching out to people to ask their advice and experiences and suggestions. It was very enlightening.

[Robbyv213]

So we have a vacation coming up here in a few weeks. We will be going back to the east coast to visit her family. Recently I have been letting my hair grow out for almost a month and half now, which the top even tho it's thin I feel it's about 3-4 inches long and the sides are around a 1 inch or so.  I've been shaving my face daily even sometimes twice a day.

I feel torn. I want to continue to grow my hair and shave but I also feel I owe her a good vacation with her husband as she knows him. It could very well be our last vacation before I transition and things change. I know my hair will grow back and what not and it's not hard to shave again. I just wanted to get my hair growing since I know it takes a really long time to get any real length.

Granted I don't care for how much it shows off my thinning and receeding hair. I feel I look better with trimmed facial hair and skin faded shorter hair cut for me as a guy.

So I'll be getting a hair cut and letting my facial hair grow back out for this vacation and we will see how things are.

[Gina P]

Hair does grow slow. A hair stylist friend of mine said 4-6 inches a year. I haven't cut mine in 2 years and it just now creeping down my back. As far as HRT, i would suggest go with the real E and forget those herbals. If you like there are places like Plume on line and very discreet. Usually they start you at a very low dose and slowly increase it over a year or more. Gives you and your body time to get used to it and see if this is what you really want to do. Have a nice time on vacation.

[Robbyv213]

@Gina P

Yes I have considered plume and folx and I think there is another place that's more local that I could go in person.

I am just very torn. I feel every step I take towards transitioning I take as many steps away from my marriage and everything I hold dear. But at the same time I know I can't keep living my life playing this role that everyone expects of me.

I know the herbal stuff is a waste of time and is hit or miss. Mind as well use that time on herbals just being on HRT. I just know hrt is a big deal for my wife. I feel herbals.would be not as big of a deal, like a entry level stuff to transition which might help it be easier for her when I say I want to switch from herbals to hrt, especially if she feels the changes are positive ones.

[Robbyv213]

I really hate these slow days in between all the mile marker days so to speak. Just living the daily grind, Continuing to play the role expected of me just really drags me down, and over time makes me feel unsure and doubt myself even still.

Even after all the very positive days of affirmation, of being a woman seems to come and go in waves. Right now I feel as if the tide is receeding back into the ocean, which is where I find my lows, and lack of motivation and even doubt in myself in who I think i am.

I'm sure I'm not the only one that has ever had these feelings and issues of feeling and knowing so strongly that I'm a woman one and and then over the course of a week or doubt starts to creep in.

How do you cope or deal with it. Obviously if I still have days of doubt then I'm definitely not ready to do anything life altering obviously.i just don't know if it's real doubt or lack of progress causing this feelings and thoughts of what if...

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Lori Dee]

Hi Robby,

First off, that is perfectly natural. It doesn't just apply to transitioning. Think of preparing for a competition. The doubt creeps in. Am I good enough to compete with these experts? Can I win?

Even in healthcare I sometimes wonder if I need that drug/surgery/medication. What if I don't? Maybe there is a better way to do it.

When I first got my diagnosis, I did not accept it because I did not thoroughly understand it. Then as I accepted it, it still took me two years in therapy questioning every aspect of it. I kept asking the psychologist, "How do you know _________ is about me?" Then he would refer to a previous discussion we had that addressed that issue. With my questions answered, I was ready to begin.

My psychologist told me to just trust the process. It is slow for a reason. Not everyone transitions at the same speed or to the same extent. As you stated, this is your life, so it is prudent to be cautious. Human beings suffer from homeostasis; they resist change. This is why weight loss is difficult for many people. But perseverance gets them through it.

Continue talking with the therapist, continue on your path, and do what you know is right for you. At some point, you will decide that you have reached the "enough" stage, where you are comfortable in your own skin and there is little more to do. It might happen with as little as occasional underdressing, or it might happen after you have had all the surgeries. Everyone needs something a little different. That is what makes us individuals.

Hang in there, Sis. You got this.