Like many others here, I find that Susan's place is very helpful for me mentally, and emotionally while I am navigating these transitional waters.
I figured that it would be best to start a blog or journal of this process, as I find that it is very much therapeutic for me to write about my journey and thoughts and feelings as they happen which allows me to process them better.
I've been using my initial post kind of as my blog/journal. I won't repeat it. However you can find it in introduction under the title new here and outted. Here is the link to that.
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,248029.0.htmlI am very early on in my journey. I have always had thoughts and feelings that I wanted to be a girl/women since I was very young. I had tried a few things of my mother's clothing when I was in elementary school, as often as I found myself home alone.
As I grew these feelings and thoughts subside to an extent. They would come and go and I didn't think much of them. I was living life as many expected of me. The Traditional male role, which I had always felt didn't seem quite right or suitable for me.
As I aged these feelings became stronger and stronger, harder to ignore and repress. I was doing as many masculine things that I could do from bodybuilding and fitness, all the way to joining the military. Granted those were things I had passion about.i am still unsure if I did those things because I wanted to or if there was to an extent me trying to repress the feminine energy inside of myself. I often feel that it was both. I have been married 3 times now, and in a total of 4 serious committed relationships in my life. I often wonder if this side of myself that I was suppressing had any affect on why 3 of those relationships did not work out in the end. If that not being open and honest with them and myself and continuing to play the male role that was expected of me vs allowing myself to be my truest self had any affect on those relationships not lasting. It could have been many contributing factors to why those ended. Who knows. Just something I often think about so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future.
I am currently married, and my wife recently found out that I believe myself to be trans and wanting to explore this feminine side of myself. Again you can read all the details of that experience in the link I have provided earlier in this post.
I have scheduled a appointment with my primary care doctor through the v/a at the end of July (unfortunately that's the soonest available opening they have for a initial visit.) I plan on asking the doctor about what the v/a can do for me in terms of gender affirming care, and hopefully have a consult put in with an endocrinologist and or the local VA areas gender affirming care team, and or VA rep for getting that set up and moving. Mainly I want to ask about these service just so I have it in their notes and in their system that I am looking for those services.
I also have scheduled a video conference appointment with my VA local gender affirming care rep for later the same day, in which hopefully alot of questions will be answered and Hopefully get the ball rolling in which ever direction we ultimately decide is the best starting point for myself, and or getting the ball rolling on other things like hair removal, or voice training, etc.
I am eagerly waiting for my appointments, and as they get closes it seems to become all I can think about. Like I'm not really pressent in my day to day life. I wish I can share all these thoughts and feelings, and how much more I feel happy and less depressed as I accept who I am each day.
It's hard for me to communicate these things with my wife. I do not like confrontation, and right now I feel the best thing is to not rock the boat or make waves just yet. I am always one to put my family and spouse's needs before my own, even if it leads to some very bad bouts of depression and sadness.
I'm not sure how to share these feelings of happiness and excitement when I know they will be taken to opposite way for her. My happiness is her worst nightmare and causes her much grief, stress, pain and sadness. How can I knowingly and willingly inflict that on her? I am hoping that my therapist can help with that, however I know that there is only so much I can do to help her, and that she ultimately has to do the work for herself.
So far we've been living life as it was before she had found out that I believe myself to be trans. Things are settling down a bit. We're slowly getting our new home together and making it
more.like our home since the house fire we had in March. She is finally making some headway at work as well or at least it seems like it at the moment. Things are nice, but I still feel there the elephant in the room that were ignoring for the time being. Which is ok for now since I feel we both need a break from the constant stress and worry about what this means for our future.
I have been wearing more and more female underwear and or feminine looking underwear more openly around her and bed time, depending on the activity for the day or weekend and if we're kid free or not determines how open I am in wearing these things around the house. I have added shaving my face to my daily routine. I have been trying to focus on kneeling and sitting like a proper lady when ever I can, as well as sitting to urinate everytime I have to go no matter what. I have decided to try and let my hair grow out and see what becomes of it and how it looks even though I have a receded hairline on each side of my forehead and thinking up top and around the crown.
I plan to do a cleanse of my diet and all things I take nutritionally and supplements as well. I will revamp my workout routine so I am not training like a male body builder but rather like a woman, in hopes to ultimately lose some size and muscle mass in order to achieve a little more of a feminine frame. Granted this will take years to do safely and healthily.
I am currently sitting at a weight 208lbs at a height of 5 feet 8 in. I have a 34 in waist. Hips are 40 in, under bust is 42, chest or bust is 48 in, shoulders (measuring around outside not just straight across) is 52 in. My goal would be to have more of a healthy feminine proportional hip, waist chest ratio for my build. It will take a lot of dieting and exercise to make it a everyday life style habit. Which is nothing new to me. It will be however a lot of trial and error to figure out what works and doesn't work.
So far the next thing I have lined up is my next session with my therapist this Wednesday on the 19th of June. I know there is still much to do and that I am just starting out, but hopefully with these baby steps I will eventually be able to walk, and then run in the process of transitioning. Before you know it I will be a year down the road and I'm excited to see what kind of transformation I will have been able to achieve in that time, even though it will be an ongoing evolution of life and a ever constant transition. But if baby steps is all I can manage at this point then baby steps it will be. I know I will have to have and learn even more how to be patient, that Rome was not built in a day, but over many years. Just like I will be as long as I have a clear dream and vision of who I want to become I will eventually get there and become the woman I have always wanted and was ment to be.
Thank you for reading, I greatly value, appreciate and love you all.