Me

[Gina P]

I remember thinking I had a split personality. One part wanted to please everyone and live the male role model. The other side, which I kept hidden, wanted to be a woman. The 2 were constantly at war with each other. At times I could suppress the feminine feelings, sometimes for weeks on end. Other times she would come out, and in secrete, I would dress and pretend I was a woman. This battle effected all aspects of my life. Never being happy and always being hostile even to those I loved. When I hit 60,call it a late mid life crises. I looked back on my life and my accomplishments and what I was happy for and really wanted in life. That's when I decided it was time to stop the hiding and embrace who I was. Like many I wish I had started sooner. The peace and joy I have experienced is amazing. My loved ones see a huge difference now and can't believe I'm the same person.
   My advise to you would be to do some real soul searching and find out what would make "YOU" happy. The rest will fall in place. Trust in your heart sister.
Hugs Gina

[Confused_Corgi]

... Never being happy and always being hostile even to those I loved.

This is interesting, not so much 'hostile' but very snappy, the GP keeps putting my antidepressants up every time I say I'm snapping at people.

[Lori Dee]

This is interesting, not so much 'hostile' but very snappy,

I noticed that I get that way when my hormone levels are too low. I tell my gynecologist that I am PMSing and she orders labs to see where my levels are. It is worth checking instead of just upping the meds. At Fort Meade VA Hospital Lab they have a sign at the check-in window:

"Without the labs, you're just guessing."

[BlueJaye]

As it's all in secret, I'm confused as what to do, what I should do.

Sounds to me like it's time to find a therapist and talk this out.

[Sarah B]

Hi Concerned Corgi

So, finally it comes down to the word, "Confused", yes I know how ironic that word is, it's in your title.  You are totally confused.

Let me take a step back and touch once more on the 'suppression' issue.  So let me give you something to read about if you want to.  There are 5 stories, that I have listed and links to the most pertinent sections.  They range from no suppression to full on suppression, no confusion to total confusion?   They then changed their lives around, for the better, by becoming the women they are today.

• Jessica Rose's First Story and Second Story.  For most of her life, she did not know what was wrong with her.  She mentions the darkness when they have 'hidden and suppressed their soul for so long' and in doing so, the death of four people could have happened.
• LoriDee's Story is contained in her first 4 posts, starting with: The Story of Lori.  Life was similar too Jessica's keeping things suppressed and knowing she was a girl.
• Katie Ellen's Story The Journey of Katie Ellen.  Kept her secret for pretty much her whole life as well and has changed her life around
• Gina P's Story which was just mentioned at the top of this thread.   Kept her secret for pretty much her whole life as well and how it affected others around her.  Has changed her life around
• Sarah B's Stories; "Childhood Memories", "Awakening", "Sarah's Race to SRS Part I"  and "Sarah's Race to SRS Part II preamble".  She was never confused, sacrificed everything and never suppressed anything, except telling anyone.

You might ask, why these stories?  They show confusion, keeping things suppressed and what happens when they turn their lives around, richer in so many ways.  These stories are not even the tip of the iceberg.

One can surmise from the above stories what is going to happen in your case.  Eventually it will come out now or more than likely, years in the future, but come out it will in some way.

You said in a post above;

I've always said to my therapist 'my feelings don't matter, as long as everyone else is ok'

Your feelings like Sephirah said, "With respect, sweetie, your feelings Do Matter".  No ifs or buts, because if you are not well in anyway, then how can you take care of the ones you love dearly the most?

What Sephirah said, and it is worth repeating here;

With respect, sweetie, your feelings Do Matter. You have... and deserve to have as much of a voice as anyone else. I understand what you're saying, and that's an incredibly beautiful, and noble view to hold... but please never think your own feelings, needs and wants don't matter okay? Life can sometimes be a massively hard balancing act, but it only balances when everything is given equal weight. And that applies just as much to you as it does to anyone else, okay?

I would think that your wife holds the view that your feelings do matter.

You are at the cross roads, you are in a dilemma and you don't know what to do.  No wonder why you are so confused.  In a sense you are dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.  Revealing yourself and the consequences that would ensue, would worry me no end as well.  There is a post that has just been recently added and it may provide some insight for you, click on the link if you wish to read it, its called Hypothetical Question about your MTF transition

I'm unable to predict what would happen to you if you did.  The decision is yours and yours alone, with advice from your 'therapist' and no matter what you decide, I and others here at Susan's will support you 100% in what you decide.

Unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do really, only be supportive, answer questions that you may have and listen to what you have to say.  The only other thing that I can do, from so far away and that is give you one big humongous hug:

I hope and wish that you will have the peace of mind and contentment, you so deserve.

All the best for the future.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@LoriDee
@Jessica_Rose
@Concerned_Corgi
@Katie Ellen
@Gina_P
@Sephirah

[Gina P]

   When I was seeing a therapist I told my wife it was for depression. It was, but we quickly found out why, and I was transferred to a therapist who specialized in gender care. Best thing I did.
   I can only suggest you find a therapist who you are comfortable with. Insurance covers most and you will feel a lot better in the long run.

[Lori Dee]

I totally agree with @Gina P. I started therapy because I knew something was "off" but had no clue what it was. Now, after seven years, I understand the Gender Dysphoria aspect. My psychologist has also helped me deal with other issues too. Some are transition-related, others are not. Having someone on your side who can get to know you and what you are going through is always helpful.

[Sephirah]

As it's all in secret, I'm confused as what to do, what I should do.

Stop making it a secret, honey. I don't mean for the people around you. I mean for you. YOU need to get what this means before you can ever attempt to explain it to other people.

You need to talk to someone about how you feel. What this actually means to you. I am not going to put words in your mouth and I don't pretend to assume this is the case for you... but I've been here long enough to see that cross dressing is a sign of a deeper issue. You don't just do it to get turned on. To wear women's panties or whatever.

It's a solution to a deeper need you don't immediately understand. To feel... like you. If you feel most like yourself, most happy when you're being a different version of you, a version you can't be in your normal everyday life... maybe that's worth exploring. Because no one is thrust into this life to be unhappy, you know?

[Confused_Corgi]

Hey all, haven't posted a thanks for a few days as needed to do some thinking.  I notice a lot had been posted and from the bottom of my heart I thank you all. 

I will of course read the stories that you have linked, I was trying to find some using the search function but it was a bit difficult.


I may have to stop seeing my 5 year therapist as she can only take me so far, this would be a big step as I have told her things that no one else knows and as such feel very close to her in a way.

I still haven't made a decision yet, but I will keep checking back here, as you have all been so kind.  I just need to think some more.

I have stopped using the gel, which I am strangely quite sad about, I was talking to a doctor last week and nearly blurted it out but I couldn't do it.

I will repeat what I said before, my wife and children are my everything and I do not want to hurt them in any way shape or form.  If this is me suppressing again, so be it.

Thank you for all your comments and patience, please keep commenting with any more views or opinions as this is the closest thing I've had to genuine help.

Thank you all.

Quick edit: I just read the two stories by Jessica Rose, heartbreaking.  I know everyone has their own problems, but with my wife surviving double mastectomy breast cancer and my son having autistic tendencies and anger issues, and my daughter being behind by about 2 years and not going school - I just can't do it to them, I just can't, they need me so much at the moment 😔

[Sephirah]

I may have to stop seeing my 5 year therapist as she can only take me so far, this would be a big step as I have told her things that no one else knows and as such feel very close to her in a way.

I still haven't made a decision yet, but I will keep checking back here, as you have all been so kind.  I just need to think some more.

If I can offer something for you to think about... it's not the job of a therapist to take you, really, anywhere. And if they do... they're not doing it right. Therapy isn't something that someone does for you. It's something you do for yourself. The job of the therapist, in my opinion, is to facilitate that. Not dictate it.

They aren't there to tell you who you are. They're there to help you figure that out for yourself. Since that's really the only way we can do this.

Can I ask what has led to this way of thinking, hon?

[Confused_Corgi]

If I can offer something for you to think about... it's not the job of a therapist to take you, really, anywhere. And if they do... they're not doing it right. Therapy isn't something that someone does for you. It's something you do for yourself. The job of the therapist, in my opinion, is to facilitate that. Not dictate it.

They aren't there to tell you who you are. They're there to help you figure that out for yourself. Since that's really the only way we can do this.

Can I ask what has led to this way of thinking, hon?

No you are absolutely right.  I was just talking to her today and she was reminding me that what she provides is a safe space for me to talk and understand myself.

I think my problem would be, she has been the one who has opened all this up for me.  So now I find myself in that 'safe zone' of it's the only place I can talk about it.  I know she won't judge or reject me, and this makes me feel close to her, maybe because she is the first person that has told me 'it's ok'. Not sure if that makes sense or even answers your question?

[Sephirah]

No you are absolutely right.  I was just talking to her today and she was reminding me that what she provides is a safe space for me to talk and understand myself.

I think my problem would be, she has been the one who has opened all this up for me.  So now I find myself in that 'safe zone' of it's the only place I can talk about it.  I know she won't judge or reject me, and this makes me feel close to her, maybe because she is the first person that has told me 'it's ok'. Not sure if that makes sense or even answers your question?

It does. It's not wrong for you to feel close to her. No one can go through any of this alone. When you're in a world where you're questioning... and feeling guilt, or shame, or even resentment because you wish it could all go away... it's natural to want to rail against this idea of a place where you can explore this. Because judging from your posts, it's something you wish you weren't dealing with and hope there is a solution to how you feel whereby no one around you would get hurt. So your therapist is someone who provides you the very thing you don't think you want.

I get that totally hon.

Changing your therapist isn't likely to help, though. At least not if they're semi-competent. Because all roads lead to Rome, as it were. It isn't anything to do with someone who gives you the space to feel, it's to do with those feelings themselves. And this is what you have to deal with.

The important thing to accept is there is no fault for any of this. It's not your fault for having these feelings. It's not your therapist's fault for allowing you to experience and try to understand these feelings. There is no blame. We just are who we are. We feel how we feel. We want what we want, you know?

Trust me, honey, so so many people have been in the same place as you. You're not alone with this. And one thing I've learned from it is that you don't solve things by running away from them. You need to tackle this head on, and by the sounds of it your therapist is one of the good people. Someone who wants you to explore this for yourself. However hard it may be. She seems to get that you need that space to explore what all this means.

In my humble opinion... you landed on your feet with this gal. And should stick with her.