Who's a friend?

[Oldandcreaky]

I consider cyber-pals and IRL friends to be different...by a considerable degree. It is estimated that 70-93% of our communication is nonverbal. With a cyber-pal, you're making do then, with only 7-30% of the communication available with IRL friends.

Additionally, I have never been into the homes of cyber-pals. They have never visited my home. My home is my self manifested. Step into my home and you step into me.

IRL, I don't consider someone a friend until I've, at the very least, dined at a  restaurant with them. Anything less and they're an acquaintance. To be a solid friend, I have to have dined in their home and they, in my home. The shared act of eating seals the deal.

And, at some point, you have to have, as Daddy Jack Kerouac framed it, "real straight talk about souls, for life is holy and every moment is precious."

I understand that many people disagree with me. They consider people they've never met and will never meet on Facebook to be friends. Or they'll consider someone they met a few hours earlier to be a friend.

How about you? What demarcates friendship to you?

[darksou]

What makes me consider someone a friend depends a lot more on how much we match in values, how much I can trust with my troubles (for venting or advice), if they tried to help me with difficult situations and don't actively try to hurt me.

I have friends both irl and on the internet. This whole thing about non-verbal communication is something that doesn't apply much to me since I'm autistic. I put less value in tone of voice, facial expressions and gestures than most people, so even in person I rely strongly on verbal communication. If the person demands I interact with them as if I weren't autistic, then things usually won't work out for us.

Despite the distance between me and my online friends, they're generally better at emotionally supporting me than most people I've met in person. I tend to let myself be more vulnerable online for my pains, mostly to make sure it won't reach people I don't want to know I'm struggling (either some family members or acquaintances, gossiping is a thing).

This isn't to say I value more my online friendships than the irl ones, it's just that I have an easier time trusting an internet stranger than people I know in person. I don't see visiting each other's home as a requirement for considering someone a friend, but it's always nice interacting with them in such a way, just like going to a restaurant with them is. We also have the plus of being able to hug irl friends.

[Lori Dee]

With me, I have different levels of friendship. Due to a "trauma" that happened while in the military, I generally don't trust most people or even like them.

I have friends online and IRL who have been supportive and we have shared things privately. These are people that I would enjoy meeting in person. Those that I have met in person, are closer than those who I have not. Then I have the inner "Circle of Trust" of people who have been there for me when I needed it most, and for them, I am more inclined to help them as well.

My home is my sanctuary from all of the evil that goes on outside. Very few people get invited inside without a very good reason. Just hanging out is not one of those. We can do that elsewhere. Once I have been to their home, I am more inclined to invite them to mine.

It's like the old joke: "What's the difference between a toilet and a kitchen sink?"

"Don't know? You will not be invited to my place!" 

[Sephirah]

This is a good question.

Speaking personally, for me there are no hard and fast rules. I tend to go with my intuition and how I feel about someone. Whether they're on or offline. I can usually get a pretty good read on the relationship I have with a person and where it's going, and what sort of a person they are.

I will say, though, I tend to find people IRL more guarded and... tentative. And I think I probably am, too. Granted online there is a lot of written/verbal communication (but these days you can have a lot of non-verbal communication, too), I tend to find people feel freer to express themselves outside of an intimate setting.

I guess it depends how you define meeting people. I don't really differentiate between on and offline. It's one soul touching another soul. The rest is details. I find bonds to be the same either way. Just a different dynamic.

I think when it comes to the real meat and potatoes of this, though... I consider anyone a close friend who has seen my dark side and hasn't ran away screaming, lol.

[SoupSarah]

Friendship, whether online or in real life, enriches our lives with support, joy, and a sense of belonging. Reflecting on my own relationships, I've found that the essence of what makes a friend remains consistent, regardless of the medium. I do like to 'break bread' though.. that is always a good step.

In the digital age, some of my most meaningful friendships have blossomed online. I met my current husband online and I would say my 'BFF" is also online. Frequent communication through messages, video calls, and social media interactions has created deep connections. We discuss everything from our favourite TV shows to personal struggles, proving that physical distance is no barrier to closeness. When facing challenging times, my online friends offer advice and a compassionate ear, providing real comfort and strength. Shared interests, such as gaming or cooking, also help bond us. Trust and honesty are essential, as we share our lives openly and respect each other's boundaries. Regularly checking in and staying updated on life events keeps these relationships strong over time. Leaving the UK last year turned a lot of my IRL friends into Digital ones.. the bonds are still there.

However, nothing compares to the joy of spending time with friends in person. Some of my best memories come from real-life interactions, like grabbing coffee, fine dining, or simply hanging out. These moments are filled with laughter and conversation, creating a sense of togetherness. Mutual support extends to 'helping out' and 'being there', fostering a sense of reliability and deepening the trust. Consistent behaviour and transparency establish a solid foundation, while respecting each other's space ensures a balanced relationship. A true friend knows when you need them and when you don't..

Despite different interaction mediums, the core of friendship remains unchanged. Trust, honesty, communication, support, and shared interests are paramount. Reflecting on my friendships, I see that these principles are timeless and universal. Whether online or in real life, these relationships enrich our lives in countless ways, transcending boundaries of medium and distance.

[Karen_A]

A few times I let myself feel close to people I only knew on line and eventually got hurt pretty badly... So now I try not to get too emotionally invested in people I only know on-line.

Having only this type the of interactions makes it hard to really know someone.

- Karen

[ChrissyRyan]

Facebook "friends" are not necessarily friends!

Maybe they should be called "followers."

[Sephirah]

A few times I let myself feel close to people I only knew on line and eventually got hurt pretty badly... So now I try not to get too emotionally invested in people I only know on-line.

Having only this type the of interactions makes it hard to really know someone.

- Karen

I would argue it doesn't really matter where the interaction springs from. Anyone is capable of this, and I sometimes think it cuts deeper when you let someone into your close personal space and they hurt you pretty badly. Most of the people I thought I knew but didn't, were offline people. People I've known for years. People I've gone on holiday with. People around me. Which seems counterintuitive. But yeah. So I've kind of come to the conclusion that it's about the individual, not the medium.

Some of the better friendships I've had have germinated online. Mostly because you tend to meet people from all over the world. People you'd never meet from your little corner of it. You get different viewpoints, different cultures, different... ways of seeing things. I've found that people in my particular corner of the world tend to have views, beliefs and attitudes that I don't really gel with. It feels like being trapped in a little box. Some of the best friendships I've had are with people who opened my eyes to just how big the world is, and how different people are.

You can't really do that IRL. Not to the same extent.

This begs an interesting question though. How close do you get to people before your relationship goes beyond friendship, and into something else? What do you even consider friendship to be?

[Mariah]

I have always tended to keep most at arms reach, but some of my online friends I am closer to. I have in several cases meant them eventually in person. My spouse included.

I trust my intuition and feel very strongly. It is nice to meet people in person, but don't need that for me to become a friend of someone or for someone to become my friend. Anyways, just my two cents. Hugs

Mariah

[Northern Star Girl]

@Oldandcreaky  @darksou  @LoriDee  @Sephirah 
    @SoupSarah  @Karen_A  @ChrissyRyan  @Mariah

People most often have many acquaintances, neighbors, at work, at social events,
businesses, etc.

An older gentleman and businessman that I know told me that as time has gone
on with him, he has many so called friends, and as he get older he can count
his really good and trusted friends using only the fingers on one hand.

Trusted, loyal, and supportive friends are usually few in number.
Those are the kind of friendships that are developed over time and through
sometimes good circumstances and sometimes difficult and trying circumstances.

The old adage is true: Trust is earned and not given.
  Trust isn't something that just happens in a relationship.
    Trust cannot be demanded, it has to be earned by proving character over and over.

HUGS, Danielle   [Northern Star Girl]

[Sephirah]

Trusted, loyal, and supportive friends are usually few in number.
Those are the kind of friendships that are developed over time and through
sometimes good circumstances and sometimes difficult and trying circumstances.

Yeah that's actually a good point. Doesn't matter where you meet someone. When someone sees you at your worst, and helps you get through it... that's the mark of a strong relationship with that person. When it's so easy to just... not do that.

[Mariah]

@Oldandcreaky  @darksou  @LoriDee  @Sephirah 
    @SoupSarah  @Karen_A  @ChrissyRyan  @Mariah

People most often have many acquaintances, neighbors, at work, at social events,
businesses, etc.

An older gentleman and businessman that I know told me that as time has gone
on with him, he has many so called friends, and as he get older he can count
his really good and trusted friends using only the fingers on one hand.

Trusted, loyal, and supportive friends are usually few in number.
Those are the kind of friendships that are developed over time and through
sometimes good circumstances and sometimes difficult and trying circumstances.

The old adage is true: Trust is earned and not given.
  Trust isn't something that just happens in a relationship.
    Trust cannot be demanded, it has to be earned by proving character over and over.

HUGS, Danielle   [Northern Star Girl]

So very true. Trust is very much earned. Hugs
Mariah

[Karen_A]

This begs an interesting question though. How close do you get to people before your relationship goes beyond friendship, and into something else? What do you even consider friendship to be?

In my case I considered them good friends and trusted confidants whom I opened up to  (i don't do that easily) and thus let myself be emotionally vulnerable.

- Karen