Stuck in the closet

[Oliviassecret2020]

Hey everyone. I'm 30, married with a little girl, and stuck in the closet. I've been out to my wife in the past but she believes that I'm not actually transgender and that I'm actually just confused due to my poor mental health. For the longest time I've needed to transition. I sleepwalk through life and have such an awful amount of pain. I've spent the last couple of years slowly peeling back the layers of internalised transphobia and unravelling the knots of my brain. I've realised that I'm stuck in the closet purely due to anxiety. I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder so this shouldn't exactly surprise me. I'm anxious about retelling my wife and being steadfast in my conviction (she's told me that she would divorce me if I transitioned), anxious about having to talk to my wife about coparenting if we separated, anxious about the logistics of selling the house and splitting our assets. If I came out to my wife she would tell her family and friends and it would essentially mean that I would have to come out immediately. So I'm working on confronting these fears. I've also uncovered that I'm attracted to men and not women, so I really don't want to save the marriage anyway, but I'm terrified to lose it nonetheless. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Am I blowing this all out of proportion?

[Lori Dee]

@Oliviassecret2020

Hello Olivia,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

It looks like you are a new member here and this is your first post. Thank you for contributing to the discussion. First, let me state that you are not alone. We have many members who have been exactly where you are. Some have managed to make their relationships work, others have found ways to get past it. I think that as you read the stories of other members, you will find some that really resonate with how you feel.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments. We all come from different backgrounds and represent a wide range of experiences. No matter who you may be, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

We would like to get to know you. Once you feel comfortable here, please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum and introduce yourself and tell us something about you.

Please review the links at the end of this message, they include information that will help you navigate the site and use the available features. Please pay particular attention to the links marked in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile. Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee

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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Sarah B]

Hello Olivia

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that Lori has also welcomed you to Susan's Place, also you have chosen a very famous name and you have and of course a strong one as well.  The most famous Olivia's that come to my mind are Olivia Newton-John, Olivia de Havilland and Olivia Wilde.

Hey everyone. I'm 30, married with a little girl, and stuck in the closet. I've been out to my wife in the past but she believes that I'm not actually transgender and that I'm actually just confused due to my poor mental health.

As Lori mentioned, you are not alone in this and that there are other members who are in very similar situations.  Unfortunately your wife no matter what she believes, only you can say whether you are 'transgender' or not.  If you are confused about what gender you are.  Then you need to see a 'therapist' psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor  who specializes in Gender Identity issues. To help you find out who you are.

For the longest time I've needed to transition. I sleepwalk through life and have such an awful amount of pain. I've spent the last couple of years slowly peeling back the layers of internalised transphobia and unravelling the knots of my brain. I've realised that I'm stuck in the closet purely due to anxiety. I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder so this shouldn't exactly surprise me

A lot of members go through life, wondering and burying those feelings, until again and again those thoughts resurface.  This is were I will repeat myself and what you need to do is see a 'therapist' in regards to 'transitioning' especially one who is versed in Gender Identity Issues.  Instead of taking years to solve your problem you will be able to more than likely resolve it within a couple of sessions.

You have mentioned that you are still in the closet and I have just recently written a post in regards to that particular issue.  If you click on the following link: Staying in the closet you can get to read what I wrote if you want to and the other members here on Susan's who also made a posting.

It is possible that your anxiety is also related to your Gender Dysphoria and solving your Gender problem you may as well resolve the anxiety you suffer in your present day life, but only a 'therapist' will only be able to help you on this issue alone.

I'm anxious about retelling my wife and being steadfast in my conviction (she's told me that she would divorce me if I transitioned), anxious about having to talk to my wife about coparenting if we separated, anxious about the logistics of selling the house and splitting our assets. If I came out to my wife she would tell her family and friends and it would essentially mean that I would have to come out immediately.

I mention in this post that you should read "the ballad of Lurkin Liz", there is a link below and this might help you decide on what needs to be done.  Please, do yourself a favour and have a backup plan, in other words should the proverbial hit the fan.  Then you have something to fall back on and not ending up on the streets.

So I'm working on confronting these fears. I've also uncovered that I'm attracted to men and not women, so I really don't want to save the marriage anyway, but I'm terrified to lose it nonetheless. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Am I blowing this all out of proportion?

No you are not "blowing this all out of proportion", you have a legitimate concerns and you want to resolve the current issues that surround your life.  Take me for instance.  I changed my life around and that meant, I sacrificed everything in my life at the time so that I could live the life I wanted and nobody else's.

As for being attracted to men.  Take me for instance again, before I changed my life around I liked women, but not in that sense, but I did not like men either.   After I turned my life around,  I realised I was attracted to men and I still liked women.  It was not until after surgery that I was able to live my life as a female completely and that means, I was only intimate with men only.

So your thoughts on this issue alone are not unique.

In regards to your partners issues then you need to read the following story.  The Ballad of Lurkin Liz.  This will give you some food for thought.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Oliviassecret2020

[Maid Marion]

My wife would see a therapist about her issues.  Insurance didn't cover it so it was a big expense but she needed it.
We both agreed that I didn't need to see a therapist, though she said she had no issues if I ever wanted to see one.  This is highly unusual for someone here. I'm used to being different.

She had a compound bow and liked archery but expressed no interest the entire time we were together.
I found out why with some limited range arrows I bought on Amazon.  I'm a natural at archery and stuck an arrow in a tree at 100ft on my very first try!
I placed two arrows exactly where I wanted at shorter distances as a warm up.  Her ego couldn't handle that.

[Sephirah]

Hey everyone. I'm 30, married with a little girl, and stuck in the closet. I've been out to my wife in the past but she believes that I'm not actually transgender and that I'm actually just confused due to my poor mental health. For the longest time I've needed to transition. I sleepwalk through life and have such an awful amount of pain. I've spent the last couple of years slowly peeling back the layers of internalised transphobia and unravelling the knots of my brain. I've realised that I'm stuck in the closet purely due to anxiety. I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder so this shouldn't exactly surprise me. I'm anxious about retelling my wife and being steadfast in my conviction (she's told me that she would divorce me if I transitioned), anxious about having to talk to my wife about coparenting if we separated, anxious about the logistics of selling the house and splitting our assets. If I came out to my wife she would tell her family and friends and it would essentially mean that I would have to come out immediately. So I'm working on confronting these fears. I've also uncovered that I'm attracted to men and not women, so I really don't want to save the marriage anyway, but I'm terrified to lose it nonetheless. Has anyone else gone through something similar? Am I blowing this all out of proportion?

First of all, honey... a LOT of people have gone through something similar. You are not alone, okay? You've come to the right place to get help with this.

Trust me I know all about anxiety. How it can be a sledgehammer to everything you want to achieve. I know exactly what you're going through, and how nasty this all feels. You feel like moving forward is this great big, black nothingness with things trying to reach out and grab you.

Are you actively working with a therapist right now, honey? They are the single best source for allowing you to work through these issues, and try to get past them. Mental health is a literal minefield. One you really should not try to navigate alone. I was going to ask you some questions but honestly I think if you aren't already, you should seek out a good therapist because they will likely ask you the same ones.

One thing I want to stress to you, though, is... you're not blowing it all out of proportion. Anxiety issues are a very real thing. They stem from a very real thing. And working that out is the first step towards working out everything else, okay? If you aren't, seek out a therapist. Anxiety stems from deeper things, and dealing with that will allow you to deal with everything else.

You can do this, honey. I believe in you. *massive hugs*

[Oldandcreaky]

It's great to have Sephirah back at Susan's.

[Sephirah]

It's great to have Sephirah back at Susan's.

Awww you're a sweetheart. To be fair though, you've been doing a great job yourself! <3

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Olivia.

I have not been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and I don't have kids to worry about, but still, your post sounded very familiar to me.  I think you will find that a lot of us can relate.

Once I realized (at age 61) that I was indeed trans and I needed to transition, I knew that the next step was to tell my wife.  I was so anxious about doing so that it took me six months from the time I decided to do it until I was actually able to.  Many times in that period, I would have it all worked out in my head what I was going to say, I'd draw a breath to say it, and then chicken out.

As part of that process, I had to come to terms with the possibility that she might leave me because of it.  Luckily for me, she was made of stronger stuff and we are still together.  But I had to be ready for the other possibility, too.

So you are definitely in good company here.  I wish you good luck in finding your path forward.  I second the recommendation to talk to a good gender therapist.

[Gina P]

Olivia, 
   First I need to say I love your name! Next I can only relate to my story and how difficult those early times of discovery and coming out were. At 60, I with the help of a therapist came to the conclusion that I was trans. Not that this was a huge revelation as I knew I felt like this my whole life but struggled with denial which caused a lot of anger and depression issues. Long story short My wife of 38 years and I own our home which I built and many toys as well as my own business. I contemplated the decision for many weeks then decided that I wanted (needed) to transition and I didn't care if I lost my marriage, home , business, just as long as I could have the body I needed. 
  Over 2 years since I made that decision and I have had my bottom surgery, Wife is still with me, business is doing well and feel I am a better person now. Met a lot of great people along this journey
   Never be afraid to follow your dreams! They might come true. I can't promise every thing will work out great but I can say if you don't find a way to conquer your GD it will eat you up. Good luck Olivia.
Hugs Gina

[Oliviassecret2020]

Hey Lori thanks for the welcome ❤️
I might have to drop by that forum soon

[Oliviassecret2020]

Hello Olivia

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that Lori has also welcomed you to Susan's Place, also you have chosen a very famous name and you have and of course a strong one as well.  The most famous Olivia's that come to my mind are Olivia Newton-John, Olivia de Havilland and Olivia Wilde.

As Lori mentioned, you are not alone in this and that there are other members who are in very similar situations.  Unfortunately your wife no matter what she believes, only you can say whether you are 'transgender' or not.  If you are confused about what gender you are.  Then you need to see a 'therapist' psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor  who specializes in Gender Identity issues. To help you find out who you are.

A lot of members go through life, wondering and burying those feelings, until again and again those thoughts resurface.  This is were I will repeat myself and what you need to do is see a 'therapist' in regards to 'transitioning' especially one who is versed in Gender Identity Issues.  Instead of taking years to solve your problem you will be able to more than likely resolve it within a couple of sessions.

You have mentioned that you are still in the closet and I have just recently written a post in regards to that particular issue.  If you click on the following link: Staying in the closet you can get to read what I wrote if you want to and the other members here on Susan's who also made a posting.

It is possible that your anxiety is also related to your Gender Dysphoria and solving your Gender problem you may as well resolve the anxiety you suffer in your present day life, but only a 'therapist' will only be able to help you on this issue alone.

I mention in this post that you should read "the ballad of Lurkin Liz", there is a link below and this might help you decide on what needs to be done.  Please, do yourself a favour and have a backup plan, in other words should the proverbial hit the fan.  Then you have something to fall back on and not ending up on the streets.

No you are not "blowing this all out of proportion", you have a legitimate concerns and you want to resolve the current issues that surround your life.  Take me for instance.  I changed my life around and that meant, I sacrificed everything in my life at the time so that I could live the life I wanted and nobody else's.

As for being attracted to men.  Take me for instance again, before I changed my life around I liked women, but not in that sense, but I did not like men either.  After I turned my life around,  I realised I was attracted to men and I still liked women.  It was not until after surgery that I was able to live my life as a female completely and that means, I was only intimate with men only.

So your thoughts on this issue alone are not unique.

In regards to your partners issues then you need to read the following story.  The Ballad of Lurkin Liz.  This will give you some food for thought.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Oliviassecret2020

Hey Sarah,

Thanks for the welcome. I read your story and it really resonated with me, It really was powerful!

[Oliviassecret2020]

First of all, honey... a LOT of people have gone through something similar. You are not alone, okay? You've come to the right place to get help with this.

Trust me I know all about anxiety. How it can be a sledgehammer to everything you want to achieve. I know exactly what you're going through, and how nasty this all feels. You feel like moving forward is this great big, black nothingness with things trying to reach out and grab you.

Are you actively working with a therapist right now, honey? They are the single best source for allowing you to work through these issues, and try to get past them. Mental health is a literal minefield. One you really should not try to navigate alone. I was going to ask you some questions but honestly I think if you aren't already, you should seek out a good therapist because they will likely ask you the same ones.

One thing I want to stress to you, though, is... you're not blowing it all out of proportion. Anxiety issues are a very real thing. They stem from a very real thing. And working that out is the first step towards working out everything else, okay? If you aren't, seek out a therapist. Anxiety stems from deeper things, and dealing with that will allow you to deal with everything else.

You can do this, honey. I believe in you. *massive hugs*

Hey thanks for the reply. Yeah I'm working with a psychologist. It's hard because it's not just the gender dysphoria and anxiety, I also have severe ocd, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, some pretty serious depression, and I'm seriously repressed. There's just so many layers to me that I don't know what's holding me back 😭

[Maid Marion]

Hey thanks for the reply. Yeah I'm working with a psychologist. It's hard because it's not just the gender dysphoria and anxiety, I also have severe ocd, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, some pretty serious depression, and I'm seriously repressed. There's just so many layers to me that I don't know what's holding me back 😭

You do what you can to reduce your stress.
I'm lucky enough to have the financial means to make life simpler.
I recently had a flat tire.  I looked at my tires and figure out that while most people would replace two of the tires, I could afford to have all four replaced!  The tires I have are of an odd size and need to be special ordered.  Less stress in the long run!

Start with simple things.
Lots of us get stressed out with shopping.  Walmart is cheap but is the low price worth the stress?
Sometimes paying a little more is better for our health.
Similarly, I'll buy stuff in the smallest quantity available.  Or buy a multi-pack so I can eat a little at a time.  I've gotten away with having a lot of food in the refrigerator.  Instead, I have canned foods like SPAM if we have an emergency and I can't get more food for a week or more.

Can you shop when the stores are less crowded.  I've learned times when I can zip in and out of stores.
If I guess wrong I'll turn around and come back later!

Get more sleep!  I find that helps!
Figure out a pre-sleep routine that allows you to fall asleep quickly.

I find it helps to run an air cleaner as the noise it makes covers up the noise from passing cars!  Makes it easier to sleep!

Marion

[imallie]

Hi Olivia - welcome!

As people have mentioned, oh gosh, so many people here understand and relate to your story. I think the only reason that should matter to you is that there are some people who, facing those same odds, have found true happiness. But in every case it is unique. This is your song to sing, no one else's.

I was in my 50's, married, with a child.. and terrified of losing everything just like you. The difference was that neither my wife nor anyone knew anything. So I had no idea how anyone would react. You have your wife's words (I don't like calling it a threat) which are certainly causing you stress and anxiety.

I can only offer two pieces of advice - one, as Sephirah (and others) have mentioned, engaging with a therapist you like is really such an important first step. That was, for me, the day my world started to change. It was when I started to understand myself, and worked so hard to prepare — along with my therapist — for the most difficult conversation I would ever have in my life, telling my wife.

We worked for six months to build up to that. And after that conversation — which was nearly two years ago now? Every single day of my life has gotten better and better. My wife was amazing, our son too... as have been friends and family when we told them. Working with my docs, etc... everything. But that's MY story, you know?

But when I said I had two pieces of advice, the second is really just a quote that I think about often — and that I wish I'd heard earlier in my life:

"Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear."

Working past your fears and anxiety are what keep all of us from getting to all the things we hope for ourselves and from our lives. And while there are no guarantees, you can guarantee that you have no shot at getting the life you want if you do not try to move past them.

That's all I've got... other than to say I'm glad you're here, and there are lots of people here who will have your back when you need us, so please stay around and use this place as a resource and a safe space.

Love,
Allie

[Sephirah]

Hey thanks for the reply. Yeah I'm working with a psychologist. It's hard because it's not just the gender dysphoria and anxiety, I also have severe ocd, rejection sensitivity dysphoria, some pretty serious depression, and I'm seriously repressed. There's just so many layers to me that I don't know what's holding me back 😭

Sweetie, if you're working with someone to try to understand yourself... there's nothing holding you back, okay? Likely you have things you have to deal with, and work out... but you're being proactive and taking steps to understand what they are. It's hard to do all of this alone. Thankfully, we don't have to.

So be proud of yourself that you're moving forward. That's actually a really big thing. Something you'd be surprised how many people put off doing. Looking inside is far, far harder than looking outside. But you're doing it. I'm proud of you.

One thing I just wanted to say that might help you a little bit on top of that. Click the link in my signature. I decided to put it there instead of having to trawl through the forums every time I wanted to find it, lol. It might help you to deal with some of the things you're facing, in some small way. But every little helps, right?

You can do this. I know you can. You're already on the right path. Keep going. <3