A world of silver linings.

[Sephirah]

I hesitate to do this because I doubt it will get much traction... but...

Sometimes there is so much negativity around. The world, people's lives... you name it. There is a lot of sadness. A lot of reasons for people to feel bad. A lot of... very intense, deep, prickly emotion.

As an empath, that is like... it's like drowning in a hurricane at sea. It's overwhelming.

What I would like to do is to make a thread where people can comment on the good things about being themselves. The shining aspects of finding who they are... exploring who they are... coming to terms with themselves, their lives, and how they want to live. To add a bit more positivity into the mix.

So... if you want to, I would like you to share things that made you feel good about yourself, about your transition, and if you haven't transitioned yet... something that you found positive about discovering who you are. Doesn't have to be about how you look. Just... little things that made you feel that you were going in the right direction. Doesn't matter how small.

I'll start.

One of the scariest things about being trans is coming out to other people. After a lifetime of holding it in.. like really needing the bathroom but being unable to go (sorry for the crude analogy)... the first time I came out to someone was a milestone for me. This person wasn't judgemental. This person had literally a two hour conversation wanting to understand everything, and at the end, was massively supportive and encouraging. That was like... the best feeling ever.

Your turn.

[Lori Dee]

For me, my view of myself in this world was a culmination of esoteric study and spiritual insight. As a teenager, I had many questions that it seemed no one could answer. I firmly believe in the adage, "Seek and you shall find." The answers were never presented to me, they appeared randomly through various encounters with people who were quite wise.

In 1981, I joined a mystical fraternity where I learned how to seek the answers I felt that I needed. I kept a journal of bits and pieces of wisdom as I encountered them. I called them my "Puzzle Pieces". I knew they all fit together somehow, but I could not see the Big Picture to fully understand. As I studied more career-oriented things, some of these pieces fell into place until one day I had an "AH-Hah!" moment. The picture became clear. Not only did I understand how the world around us works, I received a very clear picture of my purpose in it. And none of this had anything to do with being trans. It was about being human.

At the very beginning of my transition, I spent a lot of time meditating on what I had learned about my place and how transitioning might change my destiny. Time and again, I kept coming back to some of my earliest learnings, that we are all just spirits in a fleshy body. Who we are is not defined by the body we inhabit. That is a temporary vessel that will eventually pass away.

Some of us experience great conflict between what we know about who we are and the body we inhabit. Some are aware of the conflict, but may not be aware of why it exists. They struggle because, like me, they cannot see the Big Picture. The secret is to see past the physical form and recognize everyone as just a fellow spirit. We are all Brothers and Sisters regardless of what form we manifest in the physical world.

My mission is to teach and heal others and hopefully bring them the same peace that I have found.

[Sephirah]

For me, my view of myself in this world was a culmination of esoteric study and spiritual insight. As a teenager, I had many questions that it seemed no one could answer. I firmly believe in the adage, "Seek and you shall find." The answers were never presented to me, they appeared randomly through various encounters with people who were quite wise.

In 1981, I joined a mystical fraternity where I learned how to seek the answers I felt that I needed. I kept a journal of bits and pieces of wisdom as I encountered them. I called them my "Puzzle Pieces". I knew they all fit together somehow, but I could not see the Big Picture to fully understand. As I studied more career-oriented things, some of these pieces fell into place until one day I had an "AH-Hah!" moment. The picture became clear. Not only did I understand how the world around us works, I received a very clear picture of my purpose in it. And none of this had anything to do with being trans. It was about being human.

At the very beginning of my transition, I spent a lot of time meditating on what I had learned about my place and how transitioning might change my destiny. Time and again, I kept coming back to some of my earliest learnings, that we are all just spirits in a fleshy body. Who we are is not defined by the body we inhabit. That is a temporary vessel that will eventually pass away.

Some of us experience great conflict between what we know about who we are and the body we inhabit. Some are aware of the conflict, but may not be aware of why it exists. They struggle because, like me, they cannot see the Big Picture. The secret is to see past the physical form and recognize everyone as just a fellow spirit. We are all Brothers and Sisters regardless of what form we manifest in the physical world.

My mission is to teach and heal others and hopefully bring them the same peace that I have found.

I wish I had such esoteric, mystical people in my life, Lori. Most of my experiences with meditation and trancework came from online guides. But I guess the result is the same.

And your mission is one I admire, respect, love, and hope to do the same in whatever small way I can.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for being here. Healing and teaching is something this world needs more of. <3

[imallie]

"Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear" - I forget who said that, but I know the day I let that sink in, my world opened up and has gotten better and better ever since.
I lived around fear for so long - all the things that MIGHT happen if I came out and started living authentically. People I would hurt. People I would lose, all the scary monsters under the bed.
And even when I allowed myself to consider the possibility of moving forward, it was always about triage - what would be the acceptable loss I could survive.

I never allowed myself to imagine - what if overcoming my fears means I get the life I've always wanted? Once I allowed that possibility ... the ball started rolling downhill quickly. And I haven't been able to stop it since.

And it turned out it was true. Just past my fears was everything I ever wanted. 

[Oldandcreaky]

When I was a child, I played with other girls, but you reach a point in boyhood where you are now longer safe to choose girls as playmates, so then I looked to the woods and water, where no one expects you to behave in ways that don't affirm you. Well, decades later, having acquired the abilities to be in the woods and on the water, I'm happier than ever there. I took refuge there, but now it's my home and few women have the confidence and skill set to thrive yonder. In short, I fled to Heaven.

[Oldandcreaky]

Thanks for starting this thread, Sephirah.

[Sephirah]

"Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear" - I forget who said that, but I know the day I let that sink in, my world opened up and has gotten better and better ever since.
I lived around fear for so long - all the things that MIGHT happen if I came out and started living authentically. People I would hurt. People I would lose, all the scary monsters under the bed.
And even when I allowed myself to consider the possibility of moving forward, it was always about triage - what would be the acceptable loss I could survive.

I never allowed myself to imagine - what if overcoming my fears means I get the life I've always wanted? Once I allowed that possibility ... the ball started rolling downhill quickly. And I haven't been able to stop it since.

And it turned out it was true. Just past my fears was everything I ever wanted. 

To quote Frank Herbert's "Dune":

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

Thank you, Allie. I think what you've said is important. Fear is the single greatest defence mechanism we as humans have ever created. It's the biggest hormone-induced stupor we subject ourselves to, so we don't get hurt. Even if that hurt is only imagined. <3

[Sephirah]

When I was a child, I played with other girls, but you reach a point in boyhood where you are now longer safe to choose girls as playmates, so then I looked to the woods and water, where no one expects you to behave in ways that don't affirm you. Well, decades later, having acquired the abilities to be in the woods and on the water, I'm happier than ever there. I took refuge there, but now it's my home and few women have the confidence and skill set to thrive yonder. In short, I fled to Heaven.

I always knew you were secretly a Dryad. <3 Very wise, wisdom coming from the world around you. Thank you for sharing.

[Oldandcreaky]

Ahhhh, shucks, ma'am!

[SoupSarah]

Empaths feed on emotions. Most people do not get this need. It is why so many are online on forums and help groups. It is a need. Whilst it does hurt sometimes and whilst it is possible for an empath to get embroiled emotionally so much that it physically damages them, there is still that need.

That was the 'advice' my therapist gave me about my 30 year marriage. About why I selected a life partner that was a carbon copy of one of my childhood abusers. It was a shock - I always praised my daughter for being amazingly empathic.. I thought it was a good, desirable trait. I learnt that this need we have is a way that others, those with narcissistic tendencies (who also frequent places like forums to tell everyone how important they are and how great), control us.

That was the start of the end of 'him'.. He was created only to serve. 'He' was a slave. In a seminal way, 'he' killed himself and allowed 'she' to live a life that is free.

There is much talk on here about gender dysphoria. So there should be. It is the one defining trait that all transsexual people should share. Dysphoria about your gender is the very essence of what being transsexual is all about. So we embark on these journey's - these transitions. Emerging on the otherside cured of our gender dysphoria and able to live long and productive lives.

Little is said about the 'other side' - the post transition, the cure. 'Gender Euphoria' I called it. I still have it. Even though the memories of my GD are fading and only if I reminisce about years past do those horrible, pit of the stomach, feelings come back to cause pain. Today, I look in the mirror and I get a little fillip. Sometimes, I catch myself in a window reflection or a shadow and I see a woman. My heart does a little dance - I smile, I have joy. I have gender euphoria.
I think this started about 7 weeks post op. I had been living as Sarah for a couple of years then. My boyfriend was with me, helping me recover - all the 'surgery' had gone down and stopped bleeding/weeping and generally being ucky. I got out the bath and caught my image in the mirror and blammo!.. just in that instance - my body fitted my internal image - and sure, I could lose some weight, tighten up my tummy.. but oh my gosh -

I actually feel sorry for someone who is cis. They will never experience that, that affirmation of who you are and the body you are in. They just accept and criticize their bodies, abuse them and disparage them.. I love my body. A stark contrast to the years and years of hate I held against it. The despising and harming I did to it to make it go away.. Over two years later now from that GE moment.. and the feeling is not diminished. I am so thankful to be here, so thankful that my life was so interesting and so thankful I don't have to deal with that GD anymore. Amen!

[Sephirah]

Empaths feed on emotions. Most people do not get this need. It is why so many are online on forums and help groups. It is a need. Whilst it does hurt sometimes and whilst it is possible for an empath to get embroiled emotionally so much that it physically damages them, there is still that need.

Sarah I can't even begin to tell you how much I disagree with what you just said. Empaths... or, no, I won't generalise. I don't feed on anything. I take massive long breaks from this site, and people in general because emotion is like... it's like a huge thunderstorm for me. I don't feed on emotion, either positive or negative. Feeling emotion allows me to get insights into people through more than just what they say, or type. I don't just go with what someone says... I can get a "vibe" to how the person is feeling and what they're trying to say even if they can't say it.

Which, in turn, allows me to maybe suggest things they may not have thought of. I would argue that the reason empaths are around to help people is because they have something which allows them an extra layer of insight to help people. And want to do just that. Because feeling positive emotions is always better than feeling negative emotions. No one wants to feel bad. And if you do... that's something you probably need to look at.

That was the 'advice' my therapist gave me about my 30 year marriage. About why I selected a life partner that was a carbon copy of one of my childhood abusers. It was a shock - I always praised my daughter for being amazingly empathic.. I thought it was a good, desirable trait. I learnt that this need we have is a way that others, those with narcissistic tendencies (who also frequent places like forums to tell everyone how important they are and how great), control us.

Sweetie I don't even know what to say to this. Other than we are both very different people. And probably look at this a very different way. I tend to distance myself from everyone. All the time. I am so, so sorry for everything you went through and am so glad you came out the other side. *hugs*

There is much talk on here about gender dysphoria. So there should be. It is the one defining trait that all transsexual people should share. Dysphoria about your gender is the very essence of what being transsexual is all about. So we embark on these journey's - these transitions. Emerging on the otherside cured of our gender dysphoria and able to live long and productive lives.

Little is said about the 'other side' - the post transition, the cure. 'Gender Euphoria' I called it. I still have it. Even though the memories of my GD are fading and only if I reminisce about years past do those horrible, pit of the stomach, feelings come back to cause pain. Today, I look in the mirror and I get a little fillip. Sometimes, I catch myself in a window reflection or a shadow and I see a woman. My heart does a little dance - I smile, I have joy. I have gender euphoria.
I think this started about 7 weeks post op. I had been living as Sarah for a couple of years then. My boyfriend was with me, helping me recover - all the 'surgery' had gone down and stopped bleeding/weeping and generally being ucky. I got out the bath and caught my image in the mirror and blammo!.. just in that instance - my body fitted my internal image - and sure, I could lose some weight, tighten up my tummy.. but oh my gosh -

I actually feel sorry for someone who is cis. They will never experience that, that affirmation of who you are and the body you are in. They just accept and criticize their bodies, abuse them and disparage them.. I love my body. A stark contrast to the years and years of hate I held against it. The despising and harming I did to it to make it go away.. Over two years later now from that GE moment.. and the feeling is not diminished. I am so thankful to be here, so thankful that my life was so interesting and so thankful I don't have to deal with that GD anymore. Amen!

I think probably because a lot of people, once they get to the "Gender Euphoria" phase, places like this are just a reminder of what they went through to get there. And they don't come here anymore. That's why there isn't so much talk about it. The people who could talk about it... don't stay. Susan's has served its purpose for them.

I am so happy you're in that place, Sarah. You deserve it. You deserve to be you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be free. <3

[Maid Marion]

My wife was against it but I mentored a ten year old girl at her home!
Two sessions for two hours.  First time I had dinner with the mom and her two kids.
Second time she trusted me and went shopping or something.  Of course I didn't tell me wife that!

[Sephirah]

My wife was against it but I mentored a ten year old girl at her home!
Two sessions for two hours.  First time I had dinner with the mom and her two kids.
Second time she trusted me and went shopping or something.  Of course I didn't tell me wife that!

Good for you, Marion!

Mentoring is something to be very proud of. Helping people is always something to be very proud of, especially young people who have yet to find their place in the world.

That's awesome! <3

[SoupSarah]

Sarah I can't even begin to tell you how much I disagree with what you just said.

Shame, examining why you are an empath and what it means was the single most important aspect of my healing. Yes, you absorb (or feed!) on emotions of others.. it is not a conscious decision, but still, others emotions are yours for that taking. It is a gift and a curse. It was evident when my daughter was around 7 or 8 that she was a gifted empath. She could 'read' teachers and other adults - and she used this information to her gain. Empath is as much an ability and curse as psychopathy is. Both have their advantages and detriments.

Narcissism is the other end of empathy. In today's world there is a lot of narcissists.. They are not people who 'love themselves' as the name would suggest. Instead, Narcissists are people who construct a world view around them, with them centre stage and everything works according to their rules. People will love them and adore them or those people are bad or wrong.. if you don't fit into the narcissists world view then your world view will be modified by them.. Narcissists love empaths.. Narcissists actively recruit empathic people to re-enforce their world views and to empower themselves. By absorbing and understanding the narcissist, the empath is given the role they want. The support, the confidence builder and the ally..

Empaths have a greater risk of taking on others' problems. Even when an empath knows they should allow others to solve their own problems, the urge to help can be strong. Helping others, even against one's own judgment, can mean getting relief from the painful feelings of others' suffering, which makes it hard to resist.

The Challenges of Being an Empath - Psychology today

I have spent the last 10 years, teaching my daughter how to protect herself from her empathic gift. I read many psychology text books on the subject and applied my own experiences. She recently started dating (she's 18 now) and has already been 'hurt' once. Momma's instinct on that one was spot on.. She now is clearer now on the signs and understands the damage that can be caused if you are not careful in looking after yourself. In essence, empaths need to get a little more narcissistic - Narcs need a little more empathy.. It is about balance .. and peace, understanding and happiness, I believe, come from such balances.

[Sephirah]

You've been through very different experiences in your life to me, Sarah.

I didn't marry someone who was akin to an abuser. I don't have a daughter. Please... don't assert the findings you've got for yourself onto everyone else, okay? That's one of the biggest failings of the world these days. To think how one person feels should apply to everyone else. That's why we're in a lot of the mess we're in.

I am not like you. I don't feel the same as you. I don't view the way I am as the same as you. And that's okay. I don't have to. What you've figured out for you.. only applies to you. That's the whole point. Don't try and attribute it to everyone else, okay? Because if you do, I promise you that you're wrong.

[SoupSarah]

Thanks for the chastisement, but if you actually read what I wrote, I think you will find I was talking about my experiences and not advocating they were yours in the slightest. I do, however, detest the superior than though attitude some people have about their life story and how they insist it is paraded at any opportunity.

I am not here to make friends, I actively like people disagreeing with me - But, Seph, hey, you do you okay - and maybe leave the 'telling off' out of it, as it makes a unpleasant read for others and comes over as petty.

[Sephirah]

Thanks for the chastisement, but if you actually read what I wrote, I think you will find I was talking about my experiences and not advocating they were yours in the slightest. I do, however, detest the superior than though attitude some people have about their life story and how they insist it is paraded at any opportunity.

I am not here to make friends, I actively like people disagreeing with me - But, Seph, hey, you do you okay - and maybe leave the 'telling off' out of it, as it makes a unpleasant read for others and comes over as petty.

Don't generalise then, honey. Don't say "A group of people do this". I did read what you wrote. And what you wrote was a blanket statement, supported by your own experiences to support it. You literally said "Empaths feed on emotions". Like we're some kind of vampire.

Yeah I did take a bit of an affront to that. Because if that's what you've experienced, that's what you've experienced. But it doesn't apply to me. So don't try to make it apply to me, okay? I won't apologise for standing up for myself.

[SoupSarah]

Don't generalise then, honey. Don't say "A group of people do this". I did read what you wrote. And what you wrote was a blanket statement, supported by your own experiences to support it. You literally said "Empaths feed on emotions". Like we're some kind of vampire.

Yeah I did take a bit of an affront to that. Because if that's what you've experienced, that's what you've experienced. But it doesn't apply to me. So don't try to make it apply to me, okay? I won't apologise for standing up for myself.

Well, it was a shock to me when I discovered this.. I too thought empathy was some gift and was something you needed to protect and shy away. You may feel that this is not what you do - but most (and note I say most, not you or picking on anyone imparticular - most) empaths will have issues if they are isolated from people. The usual type of empath wants to be involved with people and wants to help them.. they can read their emotions to the extent that we actually feel them for ourselves... but isolate that empath away from contact and they get skittish.. well, at least I do. I need people - feed is a word I use to provoke a statement - to kill the notion that empathy is something to be cherished. Many people spout that they are empaths without actually understanding what it means and the double edged sword that this curse brings.

If I am in the house for a couple of days, alone, or just with hubby - I get what I call 'stir crazy'.. it is a need to meet other people. In fact, I do get a lot out of chat's online. I have a lot of friends online and get engaged in some great conversations - I also advocate trans issues on much larger platforms than here. But still- a couple of days is my limit, maybe three. Then I need to get out and actually talk to someone. Even if its' the cashier at the local grocery store. 'Tough day?' I enquire - I get a shrug or a smile - and off we go.. the person infront of me is giving me all this body language and all this emotional communication. I try and make them feel good about themselves.. 'how much longer have you got left on your shift?' usually starts it off.  I kid myself that I am doing this to make them feel better, smile or even forget their situation for a moment. I mean, that is true, it does - but that knowledge of making someone feel better - or even heard or understood - that knowledge that you did something 'good'.. is the reason I do it. it is my food... vampiric for emotions? maybe it is.. certainly not all empaths in history have been good people - there is a whole slew of psychology on 'Dark Empaths' which is worth an afternoon of googling for anyone..

You feel them - the ability to understand and share the feelings, experiences, and emotions of another person. It involves seeing things from another person's perspective and feeling their emotions as if you were them. Empathy can lead to compassionate actions to improve someone's situation and reduce their distress. It also gives you something. If it did not, you would not be an empath - there is a reward.. and so, I use the word feed to shock me into realising that I am this way because that is who I am. It is not someone elses fault for unloading their anxiety on me - in my own way, I actively am encouraging it. As I said, finding this out, realising this is how a lot (not all, a lot!) of empaths function was eye opening.

I don't need you to agree - I don't really care - if you can take something from what I say then good - if not.. no big deal. I certainly am not advocating a way of thinking. Just merely showing what helped me in the hope it will make someone else go 'hmmmm maybe she has a point'..

just to add another thing about empaths that I learnt about myself - It seems that my empathy comes from my childhood trauma - having to be able to read the 'state of mind' that my primary care-giver was in at any moment was critical to my survival. Whilst most kids are learning ABC's I was understanding when the volcano was going to erupt and making contingency plans. That said, my daughter had a stress free childhood (so she tells me!) and me and my therapist theorised that she learnt my empathic ways from seeing how I deal with other people. For a while, my daughter used her empathic skills for her own gain - she would manipulate my dad, her granddad, by using clever schemes to get her own way. I am sure all kids go through this to some extent (not saying mine is particularly special, just, again, my own experience here) but she maybe picked up the clues from her primary care giver.. today she is a wonderful, generous and empathic individual whom I worry about more than ever.

[Sephirah]

Yeah... Sarah I am not like you. Like... at all. I can go weeks without any human contact. When I come to places like Susan's, it's like... it's like being thrown into an ocean during a hurricane. 50 foot waves. And you only have a life ring next to you to hold on to.

I don't crave it. Whatsoever. I keep coming back here because this place has done so much for me in my life. And I feel a need to pay it forward. To help other people. I need time to centre myself when it all gets too much, but yeah... I keep coming back because I believe that there is a lot of confusion, pain and sadness here. And these are emotions I can do something about. To try to guide people towards not feeling that way. Not because I thrive on it, but because I've been through it. I know how it feels. I recognise how it feels. And I know it took me a lot of hurt, a lot of heartache, and a lot of stubborn determination to get past it.

If you can save someone from putting their hand into a fire because you know how much it burns... you do it.

I think you're right... it makes me smile to see someone else smile. But what's wrong with that? Who wouldn't want that? Empath or not?

[SoupSarah]

Yeah... Sarah I am not like you. Like... at all. I can go weeks without any human contact. When I come to places like Susan's, it's like... it's like being thrown into an ocean during a hurricane. 50 foot waves. And you only have a life ring next to you to hold on to.

Not here to diagnose, but that sounds more akin to social anxiety than cognitive empathy.  2018 study found support for a negative correlation between social anxiety and cognitive empathy. Participants with lower cognitive empathy were more likely to have higher levels of social anxiety. high affective empathy typically means you experience emotions along with others. But with low cognitive empathy, you have a harder time understanding what people feel, so you might struggle to make sense of what those emotions actually mean. This can easily become confusing and overwhelming, especially when it comes to unpleasant emotions.

But here's an interesting thing: Authors from a smaller 2011 study compared participants with high and low social anxiety and found that people with high social anxiety had more accurate affective empathy and less accurate cognitive empathy.