Quote from: Sephirah on August 02, 2024, 02:48:10 PMIn keeping with the theme of having thread titles that give you no idea what is in it without clicking on it... (not done on purpose, honest... 
) this is about tipping points.
I am interested in whether you had a single event, or moment in your life which set you on the path to discovering, accepting, or actively working towards being yourself. If there was one thing you can put your finger on which you can say "This was what tipped the scales I'd been trying to balance!"
Or... conversely, whether you were literally just waiting for the time people listened to something you were telling them since the minute you could form words.
For me, it was a dream. One dream, one night. The most vivid dream I've ever had. And I still remember the details to this day, nearly 20 years on. It wasn't quite lucid, but it felt like it. I tend to have vivid dreams most times... my subconscious seems to have the idea that it can invite all the exotic dancers and stockpile copious amounts of alcohol when my conscious self is not around to stop it... but this was on a whole other level. It was like living a version of my life which was the past, present and future rolled into one. I saw with a clarity I never had before, and have rarely had since.
What was it like for you?
I've been close several times, but never transitioned. Even after nearly half a century, I'm still figuring myself out. I do know I have never been happy physically being a man, I have always wished I were a woman, but then all of the social expectations with gender have never sat right with me.
I think I probably would have transitioned twenty five years ago, if the requirements for transitioning were different. Back then, they wanted you to live as a woman for a year before you could even be placed on HRT. I was not interested in living as a woman, I just wanted to physically be one, if that makes any sense. I still feel bitter about that, all of these years later. Many people have in the past told me, it made sense, if you want to be a woman, you have to live as one - that never made sense to me. Why must I accommodate a role, that shouldn't exist in the first place?
The problem with being myself, is that I can't be myself so long as society has expectations on people, so long as we continue to define one another, and try to place each other in boxes. I think I am coming to that realization now, more so than ever before. I don't want to live as a man, I don't want to live as a woman, I don't want to live in a predefined role. I just wan to feel happy with my body, I want to be happy with my voice, I want to be "me".
One of the reasons I never transitioned, is because of that demand people put on one another, to live a specific way based upon what is between their legs. I just never wanted to do that, further, the fear of repercussions of a vengeful society had left me avoiding any transition to begin with, it would be a double whammy, on one side I would have opposed my birth gender, on the second side I would have broken gender roles assigned to us.
I think society is finally coming around to my way of thinking, at least a lot of society is. It only took the majority of my life for them to 🤣 Gender roles are slowly vanishing, thankfully, at least in my mind thankfully. Still, there is the demand by some to keep people in their "place" by gender, but it seems to be dwindling and hopefully will be gone entirely in another couple of decades.
I just want to be in the body I would feel most comfortable in, and spend most of my time away from people in general. Anyway, getting back to the point of the thread, I think this is probably the closest I am to accepting myself, as well as clarity as to who I am. If I am to transition, it is going to be for me, not to fill in some gender role for other people.
Unfortunately, at this time, even though I do have that clarity, it is not an easy path to follow. If I were to pursue it at this time, I would probably end up homeless, and to be honest, I don't have the resources to ever feel comfortable in my own body regardless.
