My life-long journey

[Sephirah]

What is the harsh truth about me? I'm here because of my selfishness. Everything that's happening to my daughter right now is my fault. I should have planned it out from the beginning and not started the transition before the relocation. I only came to this forum because I was looking for a place where no one would judge me, it's the easiest way, trying to find excuses for my own mistakes. And that's why I felt ashamed, I couldn't answer anything to @TheOccupant and silently walked away. Maybe I had no right to start the transition, and the idea that I have a better sense of my child is false, I felt it because I wanted to feel it, not because it was real. But what's done is done.

I understand your feelings, human nature is always the same only the trappings change. And I also understand the feelings of an outcast because I'm being bullied. Do you know what the very first heartbreak of my life was? There's no such thing as justice in this world because everyone has a different understanding of justice.

I don't want to drive myself into pessimism, I'm slowly climbing out of my decadent thoughts. I don't want to cry, I wanna to enjoy life. Drawing and listening to music helps me get out of a stressful situation. I have a great life, there are people much less lucky than me, I want to help others, I feel a strong sense of empathy for humanity.

No, no.. a thousand times no. This isn't about you, Whisper. It isn't. You are here because you care what she is going through. You did not cause this, and it's not on you to atone for this. To feel somehow guilty because you brought this upon your daughter.

That will honestly eat you up inside if you let it, honey. It will consume you if you let it. No, please don't feel this way. It is not the responsibility of the parent if a child is trans. It isn't. You could do no more to prevent this or encourage this than anyone else.

And... I can picture what you're feeling, and how it is tearing you apart because you feel like you should have done more. As a parent.

No. Honey, if I can offer you some advice I wish my parents had gotten... it's.. let your child(ren) come to you. Let them find their feet and if they stumble... be there for them. That's all you can do. Don't ever blame yourself that you did not do enough, okay? You are here. You are understanding what people go through. That's more than most parents these days do.

The harsh truth about you is that you love your family so much that you think nothing you do will ever be enough. And... that's as hard on you as it is on anyone. <3

[CaringWhisper]

@CaringWhisper
You have my full attention... CHOCOLATE !
I like the idea of a chocolate Christmas Tree....  when Christmas is over
the best way to dispose of the tree is to eat it!!!  A Christmas gift
to yourself that you can enjoy !!!
HUGS and my best wishes to you.
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

Yeah, of course, not life-size, of course. Last year's tree was the size of the mask in the first photo, with nuts representing toys.

I'm looking forward to the first snow, like an old friend.

Special tnaks for TanyaG and Sephirah, I'm a little sick right now, as soon as I feel better I will continue my blog and answer you in more detail.

[Sephirah]

I'm looking forward to the first snow, like an old friend.

With you 100%, although we rarely get snow in Britain anymore. Where have you been all my life?

I hope you feel better really soon, honey. <3

[CaringWhisper]

With you 100%, although we rarely get snow in Britain anymore. Where have you been all my life?

I hope you feel better really soon, honey. <3

I'm close to Finland, where there is a lot of snow in the winter. Children jumping from the roofs of garages into deep snowdrifts. My most vivid childhood memory is lying in the snow and looking up at the starry night sky, I still remember it with tears in my eyes, it was so vivid and clear, and the rest of my memory became blurred.

[Sephirah]

I'm close to Finland, where there is a lot of snow in the winter. Children jumping from the roofs of garages into deep snowdrifts. My most vivid childhood memory is lying in the snow and looking up at the starry night sky, I still remember it with tears in my eyes, it was so vivid and clear, and the rest of my memory became blurred.

Damn, girl, you live in a magical, beautiful part of the world. Probably explains part of why you are the way you are. My favourite band, Nightwish, comes from Finland. That whole part of the world is so creative, full of stories, full of wonder. I think I get you now. You are very special. You and your family. <3 I would kill to live where you do. Not even kidding. Well... maybe lol.

[CaringWhisper]

Damn, girl, you live in a magical, beautiful part of the world. Probably explains part of why you are the way you are. My favourite band, Nightwish, comes from Finland. That whole part of the world is so creative, full of stories, full of wonder. I think I get you now. You are very special. You and your family. <3 I would kill to live where you do. Not even kidding. Well... maybe lol.

My favorite band is Agalloch, Agalloch - Falling Snow is the best song. I've been favoring classical music lately, though. No need to kill, I live near Karelia and it is a tourist place, there are a lot of houses that can be rented, although people come here primarily for fishing, they say there are some special fish, but I have never been interested. I can't watch a living thing being pierced with a hook without my heart aching, to me it's cruel. I've been trying to escape cruelty (male cruelty) all my life and I don't know where to run, cold places make human hearts cold, they need it for survival it scares me. Snow has its own sacrifice.

[Sephirah]

My favorite band is Agalloch, Agalloch - Falling Snow is the best song. I've been favoring classical music lately, though. No need to kill, I live near Karelia and it is a tourist place, there are a lot of houses that can be rented, although people come here primarily for fishing, they say there are some special fish, but I have never been interested. I can't watch a living thing being pierced with a hook without my heart aching, to me it's cruel. I've been trying to escape cruelty (male cruelty) all my life and I don't know where to run, cold places make human hearts cold, they need it for survival it scares me. Snow has its own sacrifice.

You are someone very special. Someone gentle and kind. Someone who sees the beauty in all things. As I said in an earlier post, you have a crystalline beauty. Fragile and unique. Cold places also make people see the truth in survival. The truth of how brittle we are compared to the vast majesty of nature. How we do what we can to just live.

Honey... you don't need to run anymore. You just find your own beauty and your own strength and you stand up to it. Escape, sometimes, is realising you have it inside you to be better. To understand but not fall prey to something. Realise that you are worth more and that cruelty is the escape of the weak. You are not weak. I've been reading your posts and, your screen name is very apt. You are strong. Sometimes amid a hurricane of screaming hatred, we just need one caring whisper. <3

[CaringWhisper]

You are someone very special. Someone gentle and kind. Someone who sees the beauty in all things. As I said in an earlier post, you have a crystalline beauty. Fragile and unique. Cold places also make people see the truth in survival. The truth of how brittle we are compared to the vast majesty of nature. How we do what we can to just live.

Honey... you don't need to run anymore. You just find your own beauty and your own strength and you stand up to it. Escape, sometimes, is realising you have it inside you to be better. To understand but not fall prey to something. Realise that you are worth more and that cruelty is the escape of the weak. You are not weak. I've been reading your posts and, your screen name is very apt. You are strong. Sometimes amid a hurricane of screaming hatred, we just need one caring whisper. <3

You know, I'm often afraid to get to know people better to avoid being disappointed in them. This applies to me as well, don't get any supernatural images of me, you can be disappointed in me too. I'm not perfect, I'm just trying to think through my actions and analyze my inner self, to find a cure for my eternal search for something. At the moment I am fleeing the war, unfortunately for now I can't physically cross the border due to restrictions, but when I can leave it will be with the hope that heaven will triumph over hell. If we talk about pipe dreams, my dream is to defeat death and pain. I don't know about my strength, I feel like a small splinter in the raging northern sea, I always ask myself the question, does anything depend on me?

I'm grateful for your words, they helped me.

[Sephirah]

You know, I'm often afraid to get to know people better to avoid being disappointed in them.

I am very much the same. Or... disappointed in myself because people have an image of me that I can't live up to.

This applies to me as well, don't get any supernatural images of me, you can be disappointed in me too. I'm not perfect, I'm just trying to think through my actions and analyze my inner self, to find a cure for my eternal search for something.

I only go on what you say here, sweetie. And no, I am not disappointed in you, and I don't think your daughter is, either. I think you are someone very brave to come here and try to understand what trans folks go through, when you aren't trans yourself. That is a big, huge, massive step. We don't get many cis people trying to understand because... to be frank, most folks think they know it all and it doesn't occur to them how anyone could be not like that. Most folks think they know it all and don't dare question. The fact that you're here at all is testament to who you are.

At the moment I am fleeing the war, unfortunately for now I can't physically cross the border due to restrictions, but when I can leave it will be with the hope that heaven will triumph over hell. If we talk about pipe dreams, my dream is to defeat death and pain. I don't know about my strength, I feel like a small splinter in the raging northern sea, I always ask myself the question, does anything depend on me?

I'm grateful for your words, they helped me.

Yes people depend on you, honey. From everything you've said here, from how you are, I think the power of kindness, love, and good is already showing the way. For your child. You are the parent a lot of us wish we could have had in our lives and you should be so, so proud of that. You don't have to defeat pain, you just have to understand it... where it comes from... and offer guidance and understanding to someone who is coping with it. And, you do that. So... yes, you are important, you are making a difference, and I kind of wish I'd had you as a mum because you get it. You are extremely nurturing. That is something to be so, so proud of. I am proud of you and I thank you for being here, to try to get this whole trans thing. When so many people don't want to.

Thank you for being you. <3

[CaringWhisper]

I am very much the same. Or... disappointed in myself because people have an image of me that I can't live up to.

I only go on what you say here, sweetie. And no, I am not disappointed in you, and I don't think your daughter is, either. I think you are someone very brave to come here and try to understand what trans folks go through, when you aren't trans yourself. That is a big, huge, massive step. We don't get many cis people trying to understand because... to be frank, most folks think they know it all and it doesn't occur to them how anyone could be not like that. Most folks think they know it all and don't dare question. The fact that you're here at all is testament to who you are.

Yes people depend on you, honey. From everything you've said here, from how you are, I think the power of kindness, love, and good is already showing the way. For your child. You are the parent a lot of us wish we could have had in our lives and you should be so, so proud of that. You don't have to defeat pain, you just have to understand it... where it comes from... and offer guidance and understanding to someone who is coping with it. And, you do that. So... yes, you are important, you are making a difference, and I kind of wish I'd had you as a mum because you get it. You are extremely nurturing. That is something to be so, so proud of. I am proud of you and I thank you for being here, to try to get this whole trans thing. When so many people don't want to.

Thank you for being you. <3

You're embarrassing me. I don't usually like compliments, compliments from men are always as primitive as if they were cheap stuff off a conveyor belt. But on this forum it's different, it's all really from feelings. It's early morning for me and late night for you. It's time for me to care my face and all skin, then cook. Thank you for your words, it's a nice surprise that I'm getting so much attention.

[Sephirah]

I don't usually like compliments, compliments from men are always as primitive as if they were cheap stuff off a conveyor belt. But on this forum it's different, it's all really from feelings.

Maybe because we aren't men. And we aren't interested in complimenting other women for some ulterior motive. We are here to support. I mean some of the guys might be like that, lol. But that's kind of the point, and you're getting why this forum is different. Why trans folks are who they are.

What on earth are you cooking this early in the morning? If your answer isn't something to do with bacon... we may have to have words

[CaringWhisper]

Maybe because we aren't men. And we aren't interested in complimenting other women for some ulterior motive. We are here to support. I mean some of the guys might be like that, lol. But that's kind of the point, and you're getting why this forum is different. Why trans folks are who they are.

What on earth are you cooking this early in the morning? If your answer isn't something to do with bacon... we may have to have words

Of course, that's exactly what I meant my sweet Lady.

I use yogurt,  banana , honey and vanilla sugar for a dink. As a salad I use a carrot-apple salad with rolled oats and prunes. It takes me a while to write down the method of making it, my english skills are not good for it.

[Sephirah]

Of course, that's exactly what I meant my sweet Lady.

I use yogurt,  banana , honey and vanilla sugar for a dink. As a salad I use a carrot-apple salad with rolled oats and prunes. It takes me a while to write down the method of making it, my english skills are not good for it.

That sounds very... healthy.

Also, your English skills are quite awesome. <3

[CaringWhisper]

That sounds very... healthy.

Also, your English skills are quite awesome. <3

Apple - 150 g, Carrot - 100 g, Prunes - 10 pieces (60 g), Flaked oats - 2 little spoons, Milk - 2 little spoons, Honey - 1 little spoon, Vegetable oil - very little. Place the oats in a skillet and stirring constantly, fry for about 3-4 minutes. Transfer the toasted rolled oats to a bowl. Set aside about 1/2 of the flakes to serve, and pour the rest over the milk and set aside for a while. Peel the carrots and grate them on a korean carrot grater. Cut the prunes into small pieces. In a deep bowl, combine the shredded carrots, apple and prunes. Drain the rest of the milk from the oats and send them to a bowl. Add honey and vegetable oil. I like this.

[Sephirah]

Apple - 150 g, Carrot - 100 g, Prunes - 10 pieces (60 g), Flaked oats - 2 little spoons, Milk - 2 little spoons, Honey - 1 little spoon, Vegetable oil - very little. Place the oats in a skillet and stirring constantly, fry for about 3-4 minutes. Transfer the toasted rolled oats to a bowl. Set aside about 1/2 of the flakes to serve, and pour the rest over the milk and set aside for a while. Peel the carrots and grate them on a korean carrot grater. Cut the prunes into small pieces. In a deep bowl, combine the shredded carrots, apple and prunes. Drain the rest of the milk from the oats and send them to a bowl. Add honey and vegetable oil. I like this.

You could market that. It sounds like something people would eat for a boost of energy, without all that fake sugary nonsense. <3 Home cooking is best cooking.

[TanyaG]

CaringWhisper, I just saw where you live, so if you like I can tell you the story one of my relatives told me when I was in a bad place. It was about a walk she did which began 250 miles south of you. It ended in Berlin, many months later, in August 1945. After hearing it, I have thought differently about what troubles mean for the rest of my life.

[MaryT]

...
What is the harsh truth about me? I'm here because of my selfishness. Everything that's happening to my daughter right now is my fault. I should have planned it out from the beginning and not started the transition before the relocation.
...

I don't see anything going wrong because of what you think is selfishness.  You are in a family situation that most parents don't have experience of dealing with, as well as living in a place where the authorities are less sympathetic to your situation than in some other countries. You sometimes cannot be sure what is the right thing to do in these circumstances, so you should not blame yourself if they don't turn out as you hoped.  You can only learn from experiences that most people do not have to go through.

[CaringWhisper]

Hello my dear friends. This thread was created as a cry for help, a beacon not to be lost unseen. You helped me a lot, I don't need any more pity for me, not need to to focus on my materinity, I plan to focus on  LGBTQIA+ community, on forum and on yours problems my friends, because I love and respect you. I don't want to be the eternal crybaby who only comes to be pitied, someone's no better off than I am. As for me and my daughter, even under the most unfavorable circumstances, we will still meet when she is an adult. You have helped me and I want to help you and the forum as much as I can.

I don't see anything going wrong because of what you think is selfishness.

It's all in the mix. I've made a mistake and I came to the forum not because I'm feeling myself as a part of LGBTQIA+ community, but because I want to cry to people who won't judge me. I realize now that your society is better than any society I've ever been in, I love you friends and want not only to receive, but to give in return.

CaringWhisper, I just saw where you live, so if you like I can tell you the story one of my relatives told me when I was in a bad place. It was about a walk she did which began 250 miles south of you. It ended in Berlin, many months later, in August 1945. After hearing it, I have thought differently about what troubles mean for the rest of my life.

I have a rough idea what kind of story you want to tell. Please tell it. I realize there are always worse places to be than where we are right now.

You could market that. It sounds like something people would eat for a boost of energy, without all that fake sugary nonsense. <3 Home cooking is best cooking.

I've always had trouble with marketing, no entrepreneurial spirit. I'm more about dreams and stars. You're right, my beautiful lady, home cooked food is the best. You are what you eat. Cooking is freedom of body and spirit, because the spirit is stronger in a healthy body.

It's very cold this morning, I'm freezing. My mood in a blue photo filter, I'm feeling a slight cold. The central heating has not been given yet, the first days of frost without heating are the most difficult.

I've chosen 2 songs for today:



Some news:
Google restricts creation of new accounts in Russia, news agencies report By Reuters
Sept 26 (Reuters) - Alphabet's (GOOGL.O), opens new tab Google has restricted the creation of new accounts for Russian users, state news agencies cited Russia's digital ministry as saying on Thursday.
"The ministry confirms that Google has restricted the creation of new accounts," Interfax quoted the digital ministry as saying. "Telecom operators have also recorded a significant reduction in the number of SMS messages sent by the company to Russian users."

It was quite expected, I was expecting it earlier. Google is leaving Russia. I'll adapt, it's no big deal. But everything has its advantages. If Google cannot sell my information to advertisers, it is not interested in me.

Love you ladies, your two freezing souls, far away.

[TanyaG]

I have a rough idea what kind of story you want to tell. Please tell it. I realize there are always worse places to be than where we are right now.

Like you, I had my shoulders hunched about what I expected to be a tale of hardship intended to make me feel my troubles were less than they were. But I listened because I always do. She skipped through most of her experience in a few sentences - a group of her female relatives (all the men were dead) walked to Berlin to try and escape their lives and her mother and two other close relatives died too along the way. When she made it through the lines she had become separated from the rest and she was assaulted by a soldier from her own side.

Which was where she began the story she wanted to tell me. It was that another soldier shot the one who was attacking her, took her to a refugee camp and left her there. A year later, she married that man and lived with him until she died many decades later in England. She told me, 'My mother said, I am doing this for you, never forget that'. My aunt never did forget that sacrifice because it allowed her to be who she wanted to be. The way she put it was that her mother gave her who she was, fertilising the ground beneath her feet so she could grow.

There were and are some strong women in my family and you sound like you would fit with them.

[CaringWhisper]

Like you, I had my shoulders hunched about what I expected to be a tale of hardship intended to make me feel my troubles were less than they were. But I listened because I always do. She skipped through most of her experience in a few sentences - a group of her female relatives (all the men were dead) walked to Berlin to try and escape their lives and her mother and two other close relatives died too along the way. When she made it through the lines she had become separated from the rest and she was assaulted by a soldier from her own side.

Which was where she began the story she wanted to tell me. It was that another soldier shot the one who was attacking her, took her to a refugee camp and left her there. A year later, she married that man and lived with him until she died many decades later in England. She told me, 'My mother said, I am doing this for you, never forget that'. My aunt never did forget that sacrifice because it allowed her to be who she wanted to be. The way she put it was that her mother gave her who she was, fertilising the ground beneath her feet so she could grow.

There were and are some strong women in my family and you sound like you would fit with them.

I understand you, the word "sacrifice" is familiar to my ear. For example, a diary of Tanya Savicheva, 11-year-old schoolgirl who died at the age of 14. Junky kid's handwriting, blue pencil, 42 lines. In blockaded Leningrad, cases of cannibalism were quite common, statistically, most of them were women. That's how they tried to feed their starving children. Tanya's mom fed her little sister with the flesh of her dead baby brother so that at least someone could survive. It is no longer just a metaphor, the direct meaning of sacrifice of the flesh for the sake of loved ones. In some moments, a woman becomes a biorobot, her maternal instinct pushing her to make any sacrifice to save her children.