I hate going through this

[treeseeds]

Hi everyone,

I am a 44 year old person who is married with two beautiful children. My whole life I have been questioning my gender. In my early 30's I was actually living part time as a woman and going through counseling. This was interesting because I actually had men flirting with me, and approaching me. I actually sent a picture of me as a woman to a friend and she actually said "why are they sending me a picture of some chick? Wait!!! Oh my god!!!" So I guess I was passing...lol My face was fully visible in the photo.  I stopped this when I had to move back in with my parents due to losing my housing.

I would say that this is my third time going through a deep time of questioning my gender. And I can honestly say I dislike this! I am bald and I do not want to go through my life wearing wigs. I don't want to wake up every morning to put myself together...it sounds very stressful and it was stressful and took up a lot of time when I was going through this before. I don't want to go through the possibility of losing my family, friends, and birth family. Part of me thinks that I can just suck it up for the rest of my life to give my kids a "normal" father figure.

I am starting counseling again. And I just met with a psychiatrist and left nothing out when I was talking to her. 

[Lori Dee]

Hello treeseeds,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for your introduction. It does get tough sometimes. We all go through the same things, but we experience them differently. You are wise to start counseling again. Mental Health professionals can be very helpful when experiencing tough times.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments. We have members here with a wide range of experiences from all over the world. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

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~ Lori Dee
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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

[Gina P]

  You have a choice to make as we all do/did. For me it was keep dying a little each day or start living. I choose life! Each year the gender dysphoria grew worse until at 60 years old I started my journey. Life is so much more fun now. Instead of hiding in the shadows I can be out and social, living as God intended.
  Many cis women deal with wigs and its no big deal. If its what you want and need, I'm sure you will find a way. Here at Susan's we are all here to help each other and I look forward to hearing more of your journey.
Hugs Gina

[ChrissyRyan]

Welcome Treeseeds!

Chrissy

[Sarah B]

Hello Treeseeds

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

I'm happy that you have found your way here.  It takes immense courage to explore your feelings and experiences, and you're not alone on this journey.  Many of us have faced similar questions about identity, and this community is here to support you through the highs and lows.  It's perfectly okay to take your time and figure things out at your own pace.

Seeking counselling is an important step and you have done the best thing that you can do for yourself and that is to find out exactly who you are and what you want for the rest of your life.

Remember, this is a safe space to share, reflect, and connect with others who understand what you're going through.  We're here for you every step of the way.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.   I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee
@Northern Star Girl
@treeseeds

[Lilis]

Hi treeseeds, welcome to Susan's.

[TanyaG]

Welcome, Treeseeds. Your story has similarities with so many here that we can all see some of ourselves in you. As you will see reflections of yourself in us.

You've identified your ambivalence about your gender and what you gained from living part of your time as a woman in your thirties, as well as distress it is causing you at times. It sounds like your bonds with your children and partner are strong, and your family too.

The best move any of us make is beginning counselling, and you've begun that already, which is fantastic. Counselling is a great way of walking into the forest of your own mind and learning to see the wood for the trees. With a counsellor's help you'll be able to clarify your path through the wood and - regardless of which way it takes you, get moving again and find a solution you can be happy with. Which maybe everyone you love can get behind too.

There are lots of empathic people here, so if you want to blow off steam, ask us about our triumphs and our failures or just discuss movies you enjoyed, its a good place.