Life Of Michelle K

[Michelle_K]

When the parents have no respect for their child, then the siblings will have no respect. I was the first born. I was about 2 years old when my first sister was born. She lived for about 12 hours. She was born in the farm house, but had a cleft palate. Born in December, she got pneumonia with her first breath. My mother said she was full term, but was small enough to fit in a shoe box. I suspect that there was some anger toward the older child, being that at 2 years old could not get a jacket on without help so the baby could be taken to the hospital. Within the next year, I was dropped of at an uncle's house while my parents traveled out west for several months. So, it could be said that the age of 3 years, both parents abandoned me.
At some point they return, and when I am about 4, another sister is born, this time in the hospital. My dad gets overly protective, and from someplace comes the idea that the older child will try to murder the younger child. Toys get taken away from me and given to her, the idea being she was crying because I took her toy. It seemed to become my fault if she cried.I was even accused of trying to kill her.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

I have trouble reading. Earlier this year, I had cataracts removed from my eyes, and inter ocular lenses put in. I also have astigmatism. The problem is that my eyes don't seem to want to work together, and my vision is a bit blurred. If I close one eye, it doesn't matter which one, I have a nice sharp image. I have 20/20 vision wearing glasses with each eye alone, yet together my vision is slightly blurred.
I've heard that estrogen changes the eyes, I don't need much change. Maybe change the brain so both eyes get pointed right, and I get a sharp image with both eyes together. Right now it messes with my depth perception.
Michelle

[TanyaG]

My dad gets overly protective, and from someplace comes the idea that the older child will try to murder the younger child. Toys get taken away from me and given to her, the idea being she was crying because I took her toy. It seemed to become my fault if she cried.

This sounds like classical projection by your father, bearing in mind you were both so young and because even if you were taking toys from your sister, that's one of the things children that age do, because they aren't grown up enough to have learned otherwise. Without knowing more, at face value, what he was doing was assigning adult motives (i.e. his own) to you, a four year old, when he had responsibility to care for you both along with your mother.

Do you remember this because you were told about it later? If so, by whom, and did they tell you why they told you? It's understandable it has stuck in your mind because a parent has nothing to gain by telling a child that they indulged in childish behaviour when they were younger.

[Michelle_K]

I would say that his behavior continued. Even as an adult I was told to give my wrenches to my brother-in-law for him to use, even though I was using them at the time. The reason given was because he was married to my sister. I had to wait for him to return my tools so I could finish the project on my car.
Question, What did early TV and my dad have in common? Answer, My dad had a badge and a gun.
As a ten year old, I do not realize my dad does not have the power, as he said he did, that when he felt like it, he could take me to the sheriff's office and I could spend the night in jail.
I think I had the term, my dad was not interested in the real truth, he just wanted verification that my sister was telling the truth. When my cousin was injured, I was not allowed to say anything in my defense. He told me how it happened. He told me I threw the hay fork, that if it would have been 2 inches higher, she would have died. I was practically crying because the whole story was a lie. I also had marks on my legs. I will never know if my sister told him the story, or if he came to his conclusion on his own.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

Something like 30 years ago, I decided to get parts for my Harley Sportster. My mother decided to go along, and she wanted to go to a fleet store. After driving 50 miles we get to the fleet store. We probably spent a couple hours there. The Harley dealer was all the way across St. Cloud. On the way my mother saw the Massey Ferguson dealer and had to stop there. I think she spent a couple hours talking to the owner. Anyway, it was quitting time when we left. I never did get my Harley parts. I believe she intentionally wasted time so that I could not get my parts. And I never got another opportunity to get to the Harley dealer. It has been over 30 years since I rode the Sportster. Currently it sits on a trailer in a storage unit 30 miles away, and the car I'm currently driving does not have a trailer hitch.

I was watching a video by Dr. Z, and she described a person that on the surface is ok with someone being transgender but then sets conditions. That sounds like my mother. She insisted that I needed to live there for her safety. I would be there in case there was an emergency.
Earring were ok since men did wear earrings. In fact she told everyone that I had earrings in both ears because I didn't know which ear meant straight.
There wasn't much said about women's panties in my laundry, after all they would be hidden by my clothes. The same for a bra. I even wore a tank top while working on my pickup.
Wearing women's jeans would be ok since the only difference between women's jeans and men's jeans is how they are cut. you cant tell the difference just by looking at them. I do have one pair that buttons in the opposite direction.
Shirts are the same, just a different cut, and buttons in the opposite direction.
Bumps under my shirt are ok since I had no choice, they just grew there. Although, I did cheat a bit, and was wearing breast forms in my bra.
I had started coming out at work, not much of a coming out as I did not wear any makeup or lipstick, and had clear polish on my nails. Some busy body at work started a rumor about how I had talked to her about getting a sex change. My mother heard the rumor and there was a discussion. I was told I better think about it for a long time. Not much changed until I happened to get caught wearing a woman's ring, and my mother slapped my face.
Not even the Halloween costume caused any problems, and I was wearing high heels.

[TanyaG]

I would say that his behavior continued.

That must have felt incredibly unfair - like whatever you did, you couldn't win. I'd hazard a guess that your father's father was difficult too?

[Michelle_K]

My Dad's Dad, I often wonder how many generations back this type of behavior goes. My dad would say he was abused, and then claim he never abused me.

I am down to a few weeks until my first endocrinologist appointment. At the moment it looks like I will have to drive for 2 hours to get there. The referral was to be at a clinic that was a hours drive away. However the doctor also works at a hospital that is 2 hours away. I am a first time patient there, and my first appointment is 1.5 hours. The benefit I get is that Veteran's health care pays for everything. I need to check if they also pay for transportation.
The thing is I also have a provider in the local clinic, and I understand I have a gender dysphoria diagnosis there.

I understand estrogen will cause a craving for pickles, so I guess I better get a couple jars of pickles when I get my estrogen. I wonder if pickled herring or pickled beets count. Then there is(are?) pickled eggs. I seem to remember pickled eggs where the outside was red. Currently I get a daily dose of 1 teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in a glass of water. Chug it down with a clean water rinse. The vinegar is part of a liver cleansing routine.
Michelle

[Lori Dee]

The benefit I get is that Veteran's health care pays for everything. I need to check if they also pay for transportation.

Yes, the VA will reimburse you for medical travel expense. I think it is a standard mileage rate. If they arranged the appointment for you, they may already have reimbursement ready for after you go to the appointment. But double-check in case they need you to fill out any forms.

[TanyaG]

My Dad's Dad, I often wonder how many generations back this type of behavior goes. My dad would say he was abused, and then claim he never abused me.

I doubt your grandfather was the origin of it because abuse often ripples through families as each generation learns subconsciously from the last - it likely goes further back, even. Each new generation of abusers 'rationalises' their behaviour by pinning the blame for their actions on their targets, usually claiming that something their target did justified the aggression. That excuses the abusers from having to confront what they have done.

Often, that 'something' is behaviour which raises the emotional temperature. That triggers the abuser, who has grown up in a situation where their parents did unpredictable things if there was a rise in emotional temperature. Since kids are all about emotions in the wild, being a normal kid in the care of a parent like that is a nightmare because the rules aren't clear and the world seems random. Responses to going through abuse can include becoming an anxious questioner of whether friendships or love are true, or at the extreme, becoming almost allergic to emotion of any description (because the subconscious is saying retribution is coming now) and avoids them for fear of the scary results.

While that's no excuse whatever for what your dad did, it will be why it happened. Understanding the mechanism and talking through it helps a lot of people to see themselves in an entirely new way and like themselves much more.

[Michelle_K]

I think both parents at some time made the statement that girls never lie and boys never tell the truth. In the case of my sister, my dad said she has no reason to lie. My dad's older brother would lie to get him into trouble, therefore, the older brother of my sister would lie to get her in trouble. It seems it never occurred to him that it was the other way around. My sister would write on walls and sign someone else's name and watch as the other person got yelled at. Like the tv shows, my sister couldn't wait to tell my dad something that would get me into trouble. And each story would increase the mistrust my dad had for me.

Oops, where did that thought come from? The idea that I should grow a pair. And he did not have the courage to tell my mother that he was the one who took her coins from her jewelry box. I did grow a pair(of breasts), and that confuses the issue. I see, or watch videos of these transgender females saying they wished the would wake up and be a girl. Yes, I know what it is like to be misgendered. Trying to live as a male and my female shape gives me away.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

There once was a time that my brother-in-law thought my dad was very honest. He told me that I had no right to treat my dad the way I did. I think he took my dad at his word, that he never abused me, like his father abused him. Not only did my dad take the coins from my mothers jewelry box, but he had also taken the coins from my jewelry box. I discovered the coins in my dad's safe after he died.
My dad had actually made the statement "What's mine is mine, what's yours is mine, what's mine is not yours."
Using that statement, by proxy he won the roller skates. By proxy his mother gave him that telephone.
I found my knife that disappeared in his desk drawer. I found my paper dolls that disappeared when I was a child, in his workshop.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

Landscape Arboretum, that's where the wedding was that day. I keep saying how I got up and was told that I am driving my grandma to a wedding. What I did not mention was that I was outdoors around the trees when the bride came along. I'm sure she saw me, but she just lifted her dress and adjusted her garter. I may have been wearing a leisure suit and was clean shaven, so it might have been possible I was mistaken for a girl.
Michelle

[TanyaG]

I think both parents at some time made the statement that girls never lie and boys never tell the truth

It sounds as if you've thought about that statement a lot, reading what you've said further down. What kind of feelings does it bring up in your mind? Literall, just write them down the moment they flash into consciousness - don't give them time to blur or let yourself think around them.

[TanyaG]

There once was a time that my brother-in-law thought my dad was very honest. He told me that I had no right to treat my dad the way I did. I think he took my dad at his word, that he never abused me, like his father abused him.

Sometimes in these cases, you can get to know more about yourself by understanding how someone else was affected by similar treatment. A good starting point for this might be that your dad was victimised by his dad, repressed it and so cannot see he's done to you what was done to him.

The question is what does this mean for you?

Circles of abuse are common in families and warp relationships between siblings because the ones who aren't victimised or abused are scared it might happen to them, and so side with the abuser. This is particularly so with children because they have to cope with the idea that if they don't side with the abuser, they are rejecting a parent they depend upon. Being kids, they don't think about the effect their own actions will have on their brothers and sisters, and if they do, experience guilt, which they repress or rationalise depending on how old they are.

Having been part of a similar circle of abuse himself your dad will have spent his entire life dealing with crushing lack of self confidence despite every appearance to the contrary. At a guess he'll have put up a macho front to mask from himself and others the worm gnawing away at him and will have been very sparing with any emotions except anger. In the last season of Fargo the sheriff is a perfect depiction of a man like that. If your dad has any surviving siblings they'd be very interesting to talk to, if they were willing, but equally might have no memories except of him as a naughty child because of their own repression.

Back to the first paragraph. By understanding why your dad got how he was, it becomes possible to understand that a. you weren't responsible for anything that happened to you, and b. that any failure of confidence you experience in yourself is a consequence of the abuse and not something natural to your character. Nailing down point b is a key achievement if you can get there. It will take down a ton of scripts working against you feeling good with a single blow.

[Michelle_K]

I wish I didn't have so much trouble reading. But then, there is also the emotional pain. The bar I went to with my army buddies turned out to be a topless bar. For me it was a disaster. It is forbidden to look. I wonder if part of that may be from my mother yelling at my dad about the playboy magazines.

My dad died from drowning on mothers day, 1979. His date of death is when his body was found. His story was that he decided to help out with putting new wooden shingles on the house, as a surprise for his dad. Instead of starting at the bottom, he started at the top. It was done all wrong, and for punishment his dad locked him in the smokehouse. Both his parents were in their forties when he was born, and my dad claimed he wasn't loved because his dad was hoping for a girl.
His dad lost some fingers in an accident, My dad got his fingers smashed when someone moved the tractor while he put the belt on the thrashing machine. My dad claimed he couldn't work due to the smashed fingers. This is at a time when the only electricity on the farm is from the wind charger, and only for lights and the radio. Cows were milked by hand. My hand went through the wringer while I was helping my grandma wash clothes. My dad never did find out who got the hand in the wringer, his comment about me continuing to crank the wringer would cause nightmares later.

I think the deal with the coins shows that he would watch me get punished when he was the one who took the coins.
How much could he get away with by blaming me. I wonder how much planning went into putting the microphone in the kitchen. He had me drill the hole in the wall. I was given a radio, and a set of headphones. I was told to put the antenna out the window to get better reception. And my mother believed the radio was connected to the microphone and I was forced to take the radio to my dad's workshop. The decision was made to leave the microphone on the shelf as a reminder. Wires ran from the microphone to my dad's workshop where it connected to an amplifier, and he could hear everything that was said in the house.
Michelle

[Michelle_K]

There may have been an assumption made. My mother was not afraid to come up behind me and slap my face. In fact my sister knew just what to say to get my face slapped. When my sister made the comment, "don't look at me like that," my mother was behind me and my face was immediately slapped. We were at my grandma's when my sister said "Don't talk like that." Grandma was at the open window. I got called into the house and my mouth washed out with soap. Being a christian woman, she could not say what words were banned, but if she heard me use them, the soap is still here.
Another one was the yanking of my hair to made me sit upright. My sisters got verbal reminders.

My mother told me her dad made her angry when he would not allow her to wear short - shorts like her cousin. Then there was the time he said she would look like a boy if her hair was cut. And her dad was drunk and got her black ringworm ointment all over the place, and she had to clean it up.
Michelle

[TanyaG]

I wonder how much planning went into putting the microphone in the kitchen. He had me drill the hole in the wall. I was given a radio, and a set of headphones. I was told to put the antenna out the window to get better reception. And my mother believed the radio was connected to the microphone and I was forced to take the radio to my dad's workshop. The decision was made to leave the microphone on the shelf as a reminder. Wires ran from the microphone to my dad's workshop where it connected to an amplifier, and he could hear everything that was said in the house.

I don't think you have to look very much further into your parent's relationship issues than this. And if your mother was that free with her hand then I'd guess she didn't have a fairytale childhood either. You found yourself in a situation where you couldn't win with either parent and it hammers a child's self confidence every time.

Did your mother show you much love? Somewhere in you you found the resources to get where you are today, which sounds like exceptional strength of character is involved somewhere!

[Michelle_K]

First of all, I have been in and out of therapy for years. I also have a history of running away from home. When I was 18, I accidentally got hit over the head, and I'm sure there was a concussion. I was missing for over a week, and after returning home was put in psychiatric therapy. Not one of the family members knew about the concussion. 50 years later I fall down with roller skates, I get a ct scan in the emergency room, and if I read the report right, there is evidence of the concussion.

There was a rumor about why my parents went out west. According to the rumor, my mother ran off with my dad's partner, and I got dropped off at my uncle's while he went to get her back. I only heard the rumor after my dad died and 20+ years later the partner returns. It took a while to connect his return with me waking during the night with pain in my head.
If the rumor is true then everything changes. It raises the possibility that my sister is my half sister. That her real father is my dad's partner. It would be ironic that my dad's favorite daughter was not his. Or did he know and she was a reminder of what my mother had done.
Maybe the idea of me trying to kill my sister was wishful thinking by my dad.
I had my DNA done through Ancestry DNA, and then I find out that she did hers through the 21 and me. The discrepancy is attributed to being done by two different companies.
The fact that he returned meant that she kept in contact with him, and knew where he lived. What he said to me showed he had something to hide. Like maybe an arrest warrant for sexually abusing his own daughter.
He became my step father 20+ years after he sexually abused me.
Michelle

[TanyaG]

There's a ton of stuff to unpack in there. You must have felt overwhelmed as a kid. I take it you have had some successes with the therapy? With so many strands to untie a childhood like that must have felt like you were in the center of an enormous knot.

[Michelle_K]

My mother told me that after the death of the baby, my dad went looking for answers. My dad's partner would be around our house while my dad was not there. My mother said her dad could look out his window and see his car in our driveway, and would come over and chase him off the property. She did say that her dad came over one day only to find it was her brother visiting.

Does any of this really matter, other than the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, while wearing dresses.

I saw a girl at the store today, and the thought went through my mind, wondering if I could ever look like that. It was years ago that I rode a bicycle past a beach, and put my hand up to block the view of the women in bikinis. Must not look.Must not desire. No thought about the kind of desire, that I may want to look like them. Autism, too much input, confusion about why I can't look. There has been no diagnosis, so no medication.
It looks like a 2 hour drive for my first appointment with the endocrinologist, so I need to made sure I have my fidget toys with me, especially the stress ball. I still haven't figured out how to use the navigation in my car, so it won't tell me when I have to turn.
I've been waiting for the new patient questionnaire from doctor, so I can put the proper information in the paperwork. I'm thinking I can make a list of the side effects of estrogen, and show how I'm already affected by the side effects.
A 2 hour drive there, get there early, 1.5 hour appointment, and a 2 hour drive back home. At this time I don't know if my anxiety will be so bad that I can't eat. Maybe take some acetaminophen before I start my drive. I could take some boiled eggs and eat on the way. The chewing motion is also a stress reliever.
I suspect that they want to do some testing once I get there. I just recently did a testosterone test and found my level was at 379, about the same as it was 20 years ago. I'm still going to call it low normal. I wonder if it is low enough not to need a t blocker.
Just remembered I have a Sony microcassette-corder. It has been 30 years or so since I used it last. I had used it to take notes while I was driving. I can find out what I sounded like back then. Maybe put it to use again.
I think I should get detailed driving instructions, including where I might stop to eat. If I read it enough times or look at the map enough times, I should know where to turn once I get there.
Michelle